Vampire: The Masquerade Quotes

“Sticky research issues while organizing the papers, eh?”

“Car hits carriage, car drives off laughing, carriage busts open, vampire DIES!”

“I’m pretty sure you guys would notice if Siegfried had a bazooka on him.”

“Oh my God!  I’m certainly not bad at killing my own people.”

“Sweet!  I’ve got to go find some really aristocratic-looking homeless people who no one will miss.”

“Well, if you’re both wearing purple and you say that you know each other, I won’t express any surprise then.”

“You have the merit ‘sexy syringe.’”

“No, we all cram in the back and I drive with a broomstick and tweezers!”

“Sam, you wake up one night and you’re in torpor!”

“Cinder’s a loser.  You don’t want him to know you.  He has a sword up his ass.”

“Okay, you print it in color.  The black letters are very colorful.”

“Siegfried wrapped his mind around that notion and shat it right out.  Just like an amoeba barfing.”

"The opposite of 7 is 14?"
"It is now."

“Hey, that’s how we took down that Defender.  I hit him with a table and then a fruit bowl.”

“Tell him to poop!  It won’t work, but tell him to poop!”

"Dude, how long have you been dead?  Does a nice ass even matter to you anymore?"
"Well…actually, yes, it does."

"Luna, you get back to the library.  What are you doing?"
"Probably having an argument with myself."
"Who wins?"
"I do!"

“Heh.  Lestat’s biological clock is ticking.”

“Yeah, Luna, you wake up with your head shoved up your own ass.”

“…And if he doesn’t let go of me, I start yelling rape.”

"I yell, ‘Fucker!  Put me down!’ and claw him in the hand."
"He yells, ‘Fucker!’ and puts a sword in your eye."

“So Cinder lives in a French trailer park?”

"As I speak to you, I have a very intense expression of distaste on my face."
"That’s okay.  I’ve got pretty much the same expression as I’m looking around your store."

"Anything you guys want to do before 11:30?"
"I practice walking around in my dress."
"Anything else you want to do?"
"Yeah!  Runway walking!"
"You guys suck.  Okay, it’s 11:30."

"Sonja, what are you doing?"
"Well…I do like to eat small children.  Sometimes I like to converse with stray dogs and convince them to hunt down the small children for me.  That’s fun.  I think I’ll do that."
[Long, long silence.]
"Wow.  I’m no longer the most evil person in this coterie.”

"Wow, look at the dog go ballistic and turn on all the onlookers."
"Go dog go!"
"Dude, what’s your Humanity at?"
"We’ll see, after this is over."

“Dude, my dog rules.  It’s got blood all in its foof.”

“What are the repercussions of leaving people alive?”

“Ooh, blood hunt!  We’re good at those.”

“That’s what I said.  We should cash him in for another progeny boon, and then he could play Luna’s childe.”

"You look around the corner and see a woman standing in the middle of the street, brandishing a flaming sword."
"Figures.  Okay, it’s definitely time to go."

"Is it possible to get Humanity back?"
"Yeah, but it’s a bitch."
"Yeah.  You have to, like, sleep with hunters."

"My background is full of academic backstabbing and betrayal and torture and revenge and stuff."
"My background is full of animal attacks."

"Cinder has a sword that’s Jake-proof."
"No such sword exists."

"Damn it.  I just ate people, and now I have to go eat people again."
"I could find you a nice, yummy child."
"No, if I do that, it hangs out in my head for all eternity."
"Dude.  I’m sorry."

“I love how you make drinking blood look like eating corn on the cob.”

“Look, it’s VenTremere!”

"You soak."
"Yeah, it goes straight into your mouth."
"It pleasures you!”

"Can I transform into Charlie?  I’d actually get suckier."
"You’ll transform into Charlie if the Toreador Embrace you."
"Yeah, your gender will just change.  Just like that."
"Actually, I don’t think it would really be that big of a difference."

“No, I’m just saying, the Tzimisce can turn any part of your body into a weapon.  And I know what part of my body I’d most want to be a weapon.”

“I’m sorry, man.  I just can’t seem to picture you as a woman.”

"We’ll totally have girl time sometime."
"Yeah.  That would be vicious."

“You need at least Appearance 2 to hang out with this group.  That is the bare-ass ugly minimum.”

“Second thing you notice, the wall is looking at you.”

“When did this group become retarded?  We were so smart last session!  And now we’re just stupid!”

“Okay, I activate Celerity and go to town with the shovel.”

“We should get that bronzed for you.”

“No, rats taste bad.  It’s like eating bad oatmeal that came off the bottom of someone’s shoe after they’d been walking through the sewer.”

"Sam, you wake up in a gutter and your liver’s missing."
"Good thing I don’t really need a liver."

“It’s okay.  He took the Shameless Baby-Killer merit.”

“You have Intelligence 5, dude.  I’m sure you can remember the word ‘evangelical.’”

"In this group, ‘You smell’ means, ‘You don’t wear perfume.’"
"And ‘You’re ugly’ means, ‘You have Appearance 3 or lower.’"

“My sense of style is greatly violated.”

“Roll Manipulation + Retarded.”

“That’s it.  Go to Stuttgart, get me an estate.”

“It’s funny because they’re all about to pee, too.”

“You can’t just tell the body that it has diarrhea.  That would be like saying ‘Polio!’ and everyone else is like, ‘Oh, shit.’”

“Oh, God, the Sabbat.  You won’t find a single Conscience roll in there.”

“Ah, Stuttgart.  That haven of evil.”

“Heh.  Piss-drunk Gangrel.”

"You’re a little kid starting a bar fight?"
"I’m not a little kid.  I’m 15."

“Okay.  I’m gonna split my die pool, dodge his swing, and kick him in the junk.”

“I rekindled my love for the blade by beating things with a shovel.”

“I go to the Stuttgart 7-11…”

“Oh, I could totally do her.  I have Humanity 8.”

“Hello.  I may not look like it, but I have two arms.”

“I turn around and say, ‘Jean, the Sabbat wishes to speak with us.’”

“If there’s an intelligent way to say, ‘Fuck the Sabbat,’ Sam says it.”

“Hey, I’ve got a leg up in the Sabbat already, seeing as how I can still get a hard-on.”

“Meanwhile, Luna is thinking, ‘Fuck you, Toreador man-bitch.’”

"That’s all been taken care of.  You see, the professor is quite dead."
"How long has he been dead?"
"Ever since he got Embraced.  Heh, heh, heh.”

"Marco, do you even know what the Sabbat is?"
"Meh.  It doesn’t really matter, so long as I can do what I do, which is suck blood."

“You’re throwing down Camarilla gang signs?”

“What are you doing with your unlife?  You’re not actually unliving.”

“You know, for my lesson, I should’ve just written, ‘I am fucked.  Fucked fucked fucked,’ and left it at that.”

“Whatever.  Evening is just vampire morning.”

“Don’t mind me.  I’m just trying to think of uses for a mummified heart that I can make beat on command.”

“Jake, is my ghoul defective?”

"The big guy is going to give you a big whack…"
"Whatever.  I can take it.  Science rules!"

“If there’s an aura color for ‘scheming and conniving,’ Luna has it.”

"Your herd got eaten.  That makes me laugh."
"Meh.  They were just mortals."
"Dude, what’s your Humanity?"
"Well, right now it’s six, but…"

“I’m getting my former enemy to dial the phone for me!  It’s sweet, sweet vengeance!”

“Cinder, can you leade the way?  Perhaps find a less violent path?  No?  Okay, you better get your sword out, then.”

"Soak one."
"Okay, the gargoyle takes all of it."
"YES!  I am better than Cinder!"

[the Tremere says]  “Fucking Tremere.”

"If guys try and hit me, I’m gonna try and parry with Sam."
"What?!  Thanks a lot, cock-knocker."

“He’s JEAN-JACQUES!  JEAN-JACQUES!  Progenating the countryside!  Progenating the peasants!”

“He’s not a fop.  He’s more of a dandy.”

“Hey, I just wanna go to a club so I can find some women, take them on a walk, and suck their blood.  That’s all I’m asking.”

“Sorry, only ugly German chicks at this party.”

“I don’t remember my mom so well, but I sure remember yours.”

“Insert name of weekday here.”

"Allow me to introduce you to insert name of woman here."
"This is degenerating, guys."
"Insert name of my character here."
"Insert emotional response here."
"Insert idle banter here.  Then, roll some dice.”

"What sort of ritual is this?"
"It’s not a ritual.  He’s just an idiot."

"Did you say there was going to be a celebration?"
"Yes.  The Tzimisce made us some piñatas."

"Ha ha.  Luna’s got a boyfriend."
"This is not a boyfriend.  This is a loose end I neglected to tie up as well as I should have."
"Ha ha.  Luna’s got a dead body.”

“Wait a minute.  Is she being evil?”

"Is the voice mocking me?"
"Hmm…roll your Perception plus Alertness.  Difficulty FOUR!"

"We ditched you.  Sam tried to set the house on fire.  Phil stopped him."
"Hey.  I had a plan with that fire.  It’s just that no one bothered to ask me what I was going to do with it."

"What exactly did you do to Gilbert?"
"I simply put him in a form that would be more useful to me."
"I put his penis on his forehead.”

"Quick!  Fleshcraft it!"
"But what is it?"
"I don’t care!  Just spin its face around and let it suffocate!"

“No, go ahead and quote Hamlet if you want to.  It's basically what you're doing in character.  There goes Sam, wandering the halls of Elsinore, talking about how when the wind is southerly he can tell a hawk from a handsaw.  Jeez, the only thing missing is your father's ghost.  I guess that means I'm stuck being Ophelia, and pretty soon I'll be going mad too and throwing flowers at everyone and going off to drown myself.  Only it won't work, because I'm a vampire and I don't have to breathe. Thanks a lot, Jake.”

“So I was thinking about buying off my character concept…”

“Can I spend my XP to buy eight levels of aggravated damage?”

“The book is called ‘Soak 5 Agg?’”

"Sam, are you aware that there is some sort of spell on this book?"
"Do you know what it is?"

"Break her neck!"
"You’re a terrible vampire."
"That’s kind of the point of the Path of Humanity."

“Don’t frenzy on me.  I’m not in the mood.”

“It’s a German drive-by Toreador stabbing!”

“It’s okay.  I’m just making sure your ghouls don’t set the house on fire.”

“I came home and my house was wrecked, and now the ghoul tried on my dress.  It’s been a rough night.”

“This dress is so good, it achieved sentience!”

“Luna, it appears that THE HUNTER HAS NOW BECOME THE HUNTED!  I mean…”

“Although I’d like to think that Alanna and I have an understanding now, I still don’t really want to talk to her, since she does have tentacles growing off of her face.”

“He has a Tzimisce face-cock?”

"The dress doesn't so much talk to you as just put sentences into your head."
"Yeah, dresses will do that. Wait, no, they don't."

"Take a long, hard look at the tentacles growing out of her face and think very carefully before you answer that."

"The Messengers say, IT DOES NOT WEAR MAKEUP."

"I can't believe I just told you that I had a fully stocked library of ancient Tremere thaumaturgical knowledge at my disposal, and you were disappointed because it didn't have any fashion magazines."

"She's going to fleshcraft your pubes onto your bald spot?"

"I got fleshcrafted? Well, do I still have my Tom Cruise good looks?"
"No, sorry, man. Now you look more like Brad Pitt."
"That's weird. Now instead of being Lestat, I look like Louis. Oh. I go back to my room and have a memory."

"Oh, did Sam turn into the placenta pillar?"

"Quick, guys! Emergency Vinculum meeting!"

"Luna, what's your alias?"
"It's Etienne."
"ETN? What does that stand for?"
[Many, many minutes of laughter.]
"No, seriously, I think ETN stands for 'I will cut you.'"
"Noel, that doesn't have an E, a T, or an N in it."
"In French it might!"
"It could stand for 'Eat this knife.'"

"That's what we could say to the people who ask us what Etienne stands for! 'Eat this knife!' And then we stab them a lot! And then as they're lying on the floor bleeding to death, they somehow manage to choke out, 'But knife doesn't start with an N!'"

"She works at a department store in Paris. She works France."

"Next time we should be sure to take a ride on the Aristocratic Strippers and Ho's Train."

"Noel, I love how you roll so well when it's completely meaningless."

"The Vinculum compels me to participate in this fashion show."

"That's what Vicissitude is. It's vampire AIDS. Except instead of wrecking your immune system, it makes you all powerful and stuff."

"When the Sabbat rule the city, we'll be able to do anything we want. We can even boil mortals in hot tubs."

"Dude, how much would it suck to have to puke blood out of your eyeballs?"

"Luna means sock. It has the same number of letters and vowels."

"We're drunk on Potence and high on stupid."

"I like to eat, eat, eat, aristocratic hookers..."

"I don't know what sex was like. You remember my sexual experiences."
"Well, yeah."

"Now when a vampire falls in love, it's usually with power or money. That's where you come in."

"I didn't kill all of the other people in my life. Some of them were dead already."

"It's worse than ropes. It's a blood bond."

"I don't really have a smell."
"Yes, you do. You have a girly smell. A dead girly smell."

"Is she still going after him?"
"Well, her last action was sucking."
"But Jake, I thought all of your NPCs' actions were sucking."

"Worst use of Potence ever: Doing somebody in the butt."

"No way! I'm following the Path of I'm Crazy!"

"...Until finally you're just running around like a psycho. But that's okay, because it means that you've reached Golconda."

"I'm gonna go around and make sucking."

"I don't really need to hunt, but I think I'll do it anyway, because it's fun."
"Dude, I think you should roll your Conscience just for saying that."

"Y'know, come to think of it, I don't know if I've felt bad yet."

"Well, you succeeded, but you definitely get the feeling that you suck at this."

"What? Ass handguns?"

"Who's Phil?"
"He used to be married. I drank his wife."

"Eduardo was Jean's Toreador suck buddy."

"Okay, out of character, I don't have any idea what this guy is talking about."
"No, you sure don't."

"The Prince just wants to kill two birds with one stone. You're one bird, and we're the other bird. And we're also the stone."

"Yeah, that's what I've been saving my 9 success Splinter Servant for, you tubby bitch. I'm gonna fuck you up."

"Roll Stamina plus Technology to eat your meal."

"I poke Luna awake, because I'm probably sharing a bed with her."
"Damn it."

"Oh, I forgot my lesson from last time. 'Stupid Charise sucks fat donkey wang.'"

"Marco, does your lesson say 'whateverness?'"

"I'm thinking that this might be our ticket back into the city."
"What? Killing the Prince?"

"Why are you talking to Swedish metallurgists?"
"Duh! So we can design a battle corset!"

"...And we had that other Tremere, too, but we don't talk about her."

"Leave me alone! I'm old and deranged!"

"Why in the world would a bunch of Ventrue and Toreador want to meet us at Hooters?"
"Because it was the first restaurant I could think of on short notice."

"I finally came up with a French name. Don't fuck with me."

"Yes, but if I ask Gavroche to pull Frieda's tongue out..."

"Gavroche is, like, one of those people you keep around just in case you ever need a suicide bomber."

"...And then Caine is like, 'Goddammit, Jake rolls my Stamina.'"

The Characters and Players:
Jean-Jacques Lefleur, a Toreador dressmaker and the pack’s leader for whatever random reason.  Played by Noel.
Katariah Topovsky, a Toreador runway model who started out as Jean-Jacques’s ghoul.  Played by Iain.
Lestat (a.k.a. Gavroche Tenardier)
, a Ventrue, former nightclub owner, and all-around heartless bastard.  Played by Marco.
Tristan van Doorn, a Nosferatu information broker obsessed with taking the moral high road. Played by Beth.
ST: Jake.

Fallen Comrades:
Luna, a deranged Tremere problem solver. Betrayed the coterie, then got betrayed in turn by her clan.  Played by Beth.
Sam Dell, a Tremere researcher and former mage. He disappeared one day. Played by Paul.
, an astonishingly evil and apparently 15-year-old Gangrel. Currently chilling in the Black Forest. Played by Ernst.