Vampire: The Dark Ages Quotes

"What's your species again?"


"It's a one-night thing to see who can run the fastest and suck the most."


"I pet the stags and give them some lovin'."


"It's a werewolf dance party!"


“Let me talk to them!  I’ve got a 3 in Acting and a 5 in Charisma!”

“Do you speak Gaelic?”



"You can't dodge seduction!"


"Highlander!  Born to be lunch!"


"I'm gonna pet the guy's horse."

"Oh, is that what we call it."


"What the thud, I'm a vampire!"


"He beats you with his magical vampire stick!"


By far our group's most commonly uttered phrase, spoken in a freaky Dracula accent:

"Bloooooood!  Blooooooood!"


"Does he have nice boots?"

"Hey!  Leave the dead man's boots!"


Conversation between the Grey King and Raeli:

"Dost thou have any questions to ask of me?"

"Yeah.  Do those doorknobs unscrew?"


Paul's reply to Raeli stealing a doorknob:

"Well, that's negative experience points."


"Pup-py.  (slurp)  Pup-py.  (slurp)  Pup-py.  (crunch)"


"Can I sire you?"


"Everybody here is undead."


Spoken by Laurel while holding another vampire's severed head in one hand and his entrails in the other:

"Some people say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.  Actually, it's through his backbone."


"So let me get this straight.  I have two stakes sticking out of my back?"


"You can't suck through Conrad!"


"I will eat you.  I mean that literally."


"So is he gonna try and stake me with my own arm?"


"If I'm in the guy and I frenzy, I'm just gonna keep sucking."


"That is...SO...wrong."


"Holy...That's a lot of sheep."


"Stake Owain with a cold one!"


"Every human is a sixth-generation vampire?"


"My knowledge is frickin' tight."


"The militia is maliciously delicious!"


"Who wants to shred some fleshies?"


J'oa's interesting use for Celerity:

"I wonder how many bodies I can suck dry in one turn."


"Humping my leg is not part of the blood bond."


"And before you know it, Raeli and Laurel are off blowing blood points in the forest somewhere."


"No self-respecting paranoid delusional would be blood bonded to the person who killed her kid!"


"We're just going to have to accept the fact that we're blood bonded to an idiot and move on!"


"So if I see him getting slaughtered inside, can I just stay outside and roast some weenies?"


"Let's're in the forest, you're at the safehouse, you're a squashed bug..."


"You can't diablerize a seventh-generation bug!"


"This campaign is, like, Sabbat party zone."


Repeated by Tamar after every nice thing she says about Laurel:

"Oops, sorry, that's the blood bond talking."


"Since a bat's concept of Big Nasty might be different than our concept of Big Nasty..."


"You just told someone that an animal identified him as a Big Nasty!  Don't you see anything wrong with that?"


"You've opened up a can of worms, Mike.  Let's hope it's tasty."


Interesting 3 am explanations for noisy heaters:

"They trapped the Nosferatu in the basement because he's an excellent dehumidifier.  They just squeeze him out every couple of days.  Meanwhile, he hangs out in the furnace shouting "Blooooood!" and banging on the pipes with a spoon."


"We have to gross out the Nosferatu?"


Regnant and thrall pillow talk:

"We're just like the Three Musketeers.  Laurel, Raeli, and Tamar."

"Yeah, except we're, like, a thousand years too early."

"And a thousand years too old."

"And I dunno how many years too female."


Campaign motto:



"Wake up, continue the eternal struggle..."


"Make him realize that he's still being sucked upon!"


Laurel and a Nosferatu are feeding on one another...

"He's just kissing.  He never penetrates."

"Well, there's an image I didn't need."


"We took on some axe-wielding nutcases who didn't like forestry..."


"Why not, I diablerize him!"


"Has it been another day yet?  'Cause I'd really like to frenzy."


"The idea here is to be subtle.  Except for the angry part."


"That, and they liquefy Nosferatu for our pleasure."


In the Famous Last Words department...

"Teach me, I can regenerate!"


"Where is this mage, that I might grope him?"


"3 out of 2 princes require Owain's death."


"I think that guy who just froze you with a wave of his hand is a mage."

"Very good!  Did you use Auspex to figure that out?"


"So much for the Masquerade, eh there, comrade?"


"I knew that conversation was STUPID!  God would not have let me botch that roll otherwise!"


"I don't want anything to do with a guy who can bitch-slap me without touching me."


"I smell toasty vampire coming up here..."


"We're all corpses.  You two are just the less mobile ones."


"Yes, technically the horse would have a Faith rating of 5..."


"It does this kind of happy wolf thing..."


"I wasn't questioning his motive!  I was questioning what he was gonna do with it!"


Coversation between Kaitlen (my Euthanatos mage) and Laurel:

"So you guys are dead, huh?"


"What's it like?"

"It's very cold."

"Thanks."  (walks away)


"We're dead, damn it!  Give us some stuff!"


"Is it a holy artifact?"

", it's just some guy dancing in a corner."


"I'd like to lasso the feeling."


"Roll initiative versus the cup of Christ."


The story of our campaign:

"That is so unlikely that it's probably gonna happen now."

"The camel just peed on you.  Soak.  Just soak."


"No one touches the Holy Camel!"


"It all comes back to the Holy Camel, doesn't it?"


"I ask the Holy Camel if it would politely kick anyone but us..."


"It's dark...and you're in there...and you've got lots of tentacles...lots of tentacles, baby!"


"It's 5 in the morning and Laurel has tentacles."


"I am not a hardy Norwegian vampire."


"He would do that!  He would nap in torpor!"


"You and your little seventh-generation corpse pizza..."


"Yeah, a mortal smacked you upside your dead head!"


"Hey, aren't you dead?  (slurp)  Hey, aren't you dead?  (slurp)  Who are you?"


"Where's what's-his-name?  You know, the guy I had dealings with?"


"We're looking for a camel about yay big and holy..."


"He's the vampire formerly known as Set!"


"No, the library does not have Playsnake."

"Ooh, baby!  I'd love to get a piece of that asp!"  (groans at bad pun, sound of dice being chucked at Mike)


"My only goal in unlife right now is to pleasure you.  I'll even supply the blood points."


"Hi, I'm an Assamite!  Shake my hand so I can kill you!"


"We killed your buddies!  Wanna go out with me?"

“Someone in Perception-land is trying to beat my ass in.”


“You are such an assumption-mite!”


“We had the Grail...”

“Had, past tense?”


“The Grail was taken by a superior force?”

“Yes.  It has two humps, four legs, and spits.”


“I do not drink...Mountain Dew.”


Laurel’s theme song, sung to the tune of the “Sailor Moon” theme:

“Being evil by moonlight.  In the ground by daylight.  Always causing lots of real fights.  She is the one who’ll crush your balls!”


“If wishes were horses, Mike would never be lonely.”


“Hey, spiritual STDs!”


“You, a bishop, 15 paladins, and a ghoul...”

“Walk into a bar?”

“Back at the library, the other 15 paladins duck.”


While on a recon mission, Tamar learns that J’oa can’t see in the dark, heighten his senses, or Obfuscate:

“Why did we take you?  You are UNDEAD WEIGHT!”


“Apparently there’s nothing down here, but we didn’t get a huge chance to check before a severed head whizzed into the pit...”


“First, I’ll make it so I look like Jesus...”


A giant snake interrogates Tamar:

“Why are you here?”

“We were...sssssssssent.”

“Why were you sssssssssssent?”


“What are you exsssssssploring?”

“Apparently, your houssssssssse.”

“Who sssssssssent you?”


“Who isssssssssss Laurel?”

“Sssssssshe’ssssss mine, you can’t have her.”

(GM)  “Damn it, Beth!”

(me, OOC)  “That’ll teach the freakin’ snake to question a Malkavian, eh?”


“Would you like your martini with eyeteeth?”


“Hello.  My name is Natalie the Tzimisce.  You killed my camel.  Prepare to die.”


“He left me my dirt.  That’s all I care about.”


“All I have to do is be blood bonded to somebody I trust—and then kill them!”


“So they’re greeting us by making the fire larger?”


“I want a copy of the Laurel cookbook!”


“Since when does beef come from a fox?”


“Sponsor a thoughtless peasant for only pennies a day!”


“Have you tried vivisecting him yet?”


“What’s her name?”

“Experiment 356, if she gets close to Laurel.”


“Well, I shove its head under my cloak and begin the dominating process.”


“How many werewolves have you vivisected lately?”




“So the Big Nasty is now the Big Tasty?”


“Oh, by the way, you were diablerized!”


“We’ll have six Big McTasties to go, please.”


“You can tell that it’s a supernatural being.”

“What?  A supernatural bean?”

“Yes.  It stalks you.”  (groans at Joe’s dreadful pun)


“They’re human, and they’re not bitchcakes.”


Laurel toasts the Mongol hordes with lava:

“Then, I open up my book and list it as kine/lava experiment number three.”


J’oa attempts to question a peasant as Laurel anticipates “studying” him:

“Do not open up the food book just yet!”


“Okay, mage casserole number one...”


“Is that what happens to vampires on caffeine?”

“Yep.  We don’t inter well.”


“It’s not a horde, it’s more like a hordelet.”


“I am so much more big than you!”


“Well, why don’t you just get Auspex so you can Auspex the cow?”


Referring  to how our coterie can no longer seem to find a common goal:

“We don’t have sticky anymore.”


“Well, I don’t know about you, but I know how to catch squirrels.”


 “Joe, you’re awesome!  You got mauled in a barroom brawl!”  (Sad but true.)


“800 years, and she still doesn’t know what happens when you hit a guy over the head with a table?”


“You haven’t met the Mother Horde yet.”


“I’m an Assamite!  I’m stealthy!  Ooooooooh...”


“We can always get the two Gangrel.  Unless they’re, like, Gangrel.”

(These last two really lose something without the hand gestures...oh well.)


Laurel talks to Crazy Ivan, the Russian Malkavian:

“Do you like my armor?”

“I like your armor.”

“Then what would you have me do?”


“No, when I go to the east, I will go west, for west is east in my place.”


“Do I know what’s going on?”


“Then I know what’s going on.  Good.”


“The mage was tooling around in Europe Town for awhile...”


“Does anything strike you as ludicrous about this plan?”

“Well...yes, of course.”


“Hey, I have the power of Obvious-cate!”


The story of our campaign (version 2):

“We have this strange tendency to be sent on missions we know nothing about, where we meet people we don’t know but are supposed to meet anyway.”


“Dabu pythons do not grow in Japan!”


“I usher him out of bed with a liberal use of Dominate...”


“They will know my presence and my wrath!”


“There’s just no way I’m calling you a god.”


The Nosferatu in the basement gets a name:

“Well, if he doesn’t rattle-wheeze pretty frickin’ soon, he’s gonna end up being named Marcus whether he likes it or not.”


“I’m licking the darkness!”


“He has anti-Presence!”


“Chickens.  Chickens at the north gate.  Bearing many, many torches.  Beware the fat man, for the fat man walks alone.”


“Lava is the creamy filling of the world!”