Unknown Armies Quotes
"Rachel, just go to the bathroom!"
"I will! But first I have to get over Jake!"
"What does picking up chicks entail for you?"
"I don't know. I'm a girl."
"No, I'm sorry. Tanks is not a major."
"I don't know! Why should I be pointing a gun at you?"
"You notice that both of your mouths are kind of sore."
"Are they stuck like this?" [wide open O]
"Why does everything always have to be about cocksucking in this group."
"Well, it would hurt! We both have tens!"
"Hi, I think I just sucked your dick. It's nice to meet you."
"I'm missing some teeth."
"I've come to get them back!"
"Are my teeth in here by any chance?"
[Annakie's reaction to seeing a bleeding, gunshot stranger in the hallway.]
"Ugh, whoa, that's kind of nasty. Excuse me, lady, do you know where the kitchen is?"
"Is the note in my handwriting?"
"Okay. That makes it make a lot less sense."
"Shouldn't you use black instead of white in your meditation room, so if you see an angel it doesn't blend in?"
"Do you live here, or do you know the drunk guy?"
"Where the hell am I?"
"Well, I think that answers the first question."
"Who would dig around in their closet and come up with a gun that shoots giggles?"
"The guy who was dying isn't dying anymore!"
"And you have a stripper wrapped around your legs!"
"Either I was at a wedding this weekend, or I lied to them!"
"Whoa, the car works? Is that an Unnatural check?"
"So ["I Touch Myself" by the Divinyls] is the song that plays
every time that your memory breaks up with you?"
"I'd suggest burning down the building, but somehow I don't think that
would accomplish anything."
"Dude, I think my noble stimulus might have a thing or two to say about that."
"Why would I pull out their teeth?"
"Maybe you collect them when you're evil."
"Yeah, check your pockets."
"It's the X-rated version of the Necronomicon."
"Failed Helplessness check? Okay. Panic, paralysis, or frenzy?"
"Frenzy! Frenzy and take your house back!"
"Do you know anything about my father?"
"Darth Vader killed him."
"No, I have my nutsack in my off hand. I have two-weapon fighting."
"Does Sam wear red lipstick?"
"Ew! No! That's slutty."
"Says the prostitute!"
[about the fact that everyone keeps hearing the song "I Touch Myself"
playing everywhere they go]
"Hmm, I wonder what that song means."
"So what you're saying is that she's a philosophical hooker."
"Ooh, non-lesbian roommate bondage."
"I don't shit out an entire bum."
"Bums go in the bum hole!"
"Or come out of it, apparently."
"Guys? Can we please roleplay now and quit yanking on other people's lollipops?"
"This is just a psychiatric nightmare."
"Where houses disappear?"
"...But the guy who jumped naked out of my 12th-story window remembers me. Which means I exist, unlike some people."
"But Ezekyul! When you mix up the letters in the name Ralph Anderson,
you can spell Randolph Nears with them!"
"So what? You can also spell Dolan Repshnar!"
"Who's YOUR evil person?
"That's funny. I've never heard of such jingly, metallic belly hair before."
"That's because I'm a manly man."
"Stupid girl. She sucks."
"Though you'll never know for sure, since you never got a date with her."
"Thursday is the new Tuesday!"
"Whorehouse, youth center...basically the same thing sometimes."
"It's probably really unprofessional of me to say this, but...I want you."
"Oh yeah! I forgot I'm a lesbian!"
"Tasty babies, repair me?"
"Dude, your mom leaves some fucked up messages."
"Was that your mom?"
"Insignificant, if Beth doesn't know her last name."
"Her middle name must be Ezequiel!"
[High-priced call girl PC speaking to Alex Abel.]
"Sure, I'll come along with you. But what do you say that later on we ditch Eponymous and really get to know each other?"
"Okay, now that I don't exist anymore, there's something I want to do."
"You named the dog Baptist? You sick fuck!"
"That's what you get for giving me a dog."
"Whatever. I've been in more compromising positions with men in recent days."
"If you peed out a quarter, that would fucking hurt!"
"Yeah, tell me about it."
"There's people in your house. They don't exist."
"Well, maybe you've been foundering in some academic funk..."
"You guys know that one movie with the potter's wheel and Whoopi Goldberg?"
"I was raised by fundamentalist Rastafarians, which is basically the same as being raised by wolves."
"...To optimize your baby-stapling experience."
"I definitely wouldn't want to carry a placenta that far."
"Did you just tell the pagans that your name is Ezekiel Oreo?"
"Too many Cairos in my week."
"I lean in really close to him and ask, 'What do you know about the butterfly?'"
"It would be good to know if I'm being followed by a hellhound."
"Yeah, because it you are, it would definitely be a good idea to get it neutered right away."
"Sure, guys. Go back to the real estate office. You might have missed a spot on that there dead horse."
"Do you have a bed?"
"No, I have a couch."
"Do you have a bed-shaped floor?"
"I would definitely keep the mattress that I lost my virginity on. I'm weird about things like that."
"Congratulations. You now have a 7 dick and you can be a Chippendales dancer."
"...And you're all like, 'Whoa, white dude in our house where black dude was before. Insert your own Michael Jackson joke here.'"
[Annakie and Shane debate whether to carjack two Sleeper agents.]
"Do it! You're bound to get some useful information out of these two."
"Either that or a new SUV."
"Nothing says postmodern magick quite like exploding heads."
"How does it make the world better if you get a lot of money?"
"You know! I get the bling bling!"
"Jesus took away my Christmas."
"Annakie! You're black again!"
"I second that motion."
"It's not like Alex Abel is going to make us do nasty things if we work for him. I mean, probably not."
"Anybody want to go to a lesbian bar with me?"
"I do! Oh wait, but I have to go to the demon house instead."
"I'm sure that Sam knows some sort of boob crunches to keep them in good shape."
"Well it's not like we can just walk into Knocking Box 'R' Us and pick one up for them."
"I have a dick in my brain!"
"Thankfully, my matched-failed Chronological Alignment check somehow got you a chick."
"Our first real combat: Riemer gets his ass kicked in a gay bar."
"C'mon baby. Daddy needs a new pair of...nose."
"You just lost half your hit points in a bar fight!"
"Stop giving yourself ideas, Eric."
"Roll a major Notice check, Sarah."
"Please don't tell me he has an erection. That would just be gross."
"So he's an adept of Spidermanomancy?"
"Oh man. I've gotta stop thinking."
"Well, do we at least agree that the Virgil Corporation is bad?"
"I guess we'll find out, won't we?"
[Discussing factions in Mage: The Ascension.]
"No, the Marauders are actually the ones who make sense. They make sense all around them."
"Eat these warts!"
"I could do that with Epideromancy! I could rib my penis for her pleasure!"
"I'm a sex hunter."
"Yeah, just go back to beating your dead horse...your dead horse filled with incredible, exploding fire ants."
"I already did. I thought it would be funny."
"The trouble with Emily is that she would never, ever do you unless you dressed up like David Duchovny first."
"I don't need you and your friends coming into my office and grabbing me!"
"You gotta come over here right away."
"Why? What happened?"
"Aphrodite had a nice day."
"I will cut...me."
"So basically he just rubbed his hands all over my body, and now I have to take my clothes off because it hurts?"
"You could use Epideromancy to write things in Braille on your dick. Like 'suck me, beautiful.'"
"You guys never know about these rituals. I might come back in the morning
with peacock feathers on my head."
"That or you might come back and tell us, 'Why yes, my penis is doing very well in the underworld.'"
"Ephemeral is not a letter."
"It's a Greek letter!"
[video game announcer voice] "Tina has joined your party!"
"Poor, poor Tina."
"Wow, I haven't reached that far up the butthole to get an NPC for quite some time."
"Sorry I'm late. I was having a little problem with an evil book."
"What did you do this time, Sardis?"
"Well, I basically went to the spirit world and put up a big sign that said, 'Eat me, Cthulhu.'"
[Riemer learns that Sardis's ritual requires three fresh human tracheas.]
"Oh, I can definitely help you with that. All I have to do is grow some more tracheas. On the outside."
"So Sardis is stupid because Sam is a bitch, but Sam is only a bitch because Sardis is stupid. It's like one of those causal loop things. Stupid and bitchy and stupid and bitchy..."
"They're not really demons. They're just misunderstood."
"We're going to go commune with some demons...in the most intellectual sense of the word."
"That's it. Steal your own wallet."
"You're in the perfect position right now to be taken advantage of by
"Or a walrus!"
"You get to be the baby Jesus!"
"What did you do, staple him to the manger?"
"No, his wallet is gone."
"No minor charge for you!"
[Sardis lists off a whole bunch of different avatars.]
"You sounded so much like you were ordering fast food when you said that."
"Yeah, give me two Messengers, a Pilgrim, and a large cheeseburger..."
"Throw in a Masterless Man..."
"Warrior size it!"
"I open the binder with my pecs!"
"Roll me a Mind check."
"The only night you ever saw Amanda in person was the night you were crazy. So shut up."
"There are plenty of potential babysitters in this group."
"Yeah. The stripper, the masochistic fireman, the hobo, the Chippendales dancer, and the crazy man."
"So Riemer busts in the front door with a crumpled-up piece of paper in
one hand and the DVD of Excalibur in the other."
"What's that in your hand, Fireman?"
"I have corn. Is it edible?"
"Is any of your face in this popcorn, Riemer?"
"You realize that this isn't human corn, right?"
"Well, it is now."
"...So in essence, today was Meet Randolph Nears And Get Cow Corn Day."
"So you picked the cow corn because you were hungry, and then brought it back here where there was food to eat it?"
"...Meaning I'm not actually shaking my head, but inside my head I'm shaking it."
"Though full plate mail is really cool, it would not be good for fighting fires."
"I've gotta cut off my testicles, get a major charge, and become a sexy eunuch firefighter."
"I'll trade you this Xbox for those tomes of magick!"
"If you're drinking with the voices in your head, you definitely need some help."
"Anderson, you wake up in a park naked and crazy."
"I feel kind of violated, Anna."
"I kind of know how you feel."
"It's a male-virgin-popping male demon!"
"You guys look like shit."
"I was up late."
"The popcorn bit me."
"Yes. I was possessed by a demon called my dick."
"You guys should all get together and have a jack-off party."
"Dude! You should totally use Epideromancy to grow a helper brain in your ass."
"Where were you planning to find a quart of semen tonight?"
"Ah yes, Ezekial Sardis - the demonic masturbator of the occult underground."
"No, I'm sorry. This is the roleplaying game of power and consequences, not the roleplaying game of power and tanks."
"How many opera houses do you think there are in Chicago?"
"I guess I just don't see how being a fireman is essentially gay."
"You should definitely do a cross-dressing singing strip-o-gram."
"Good morning, Ezekiel. It's nice to see you looking again."
"Why would anyone ever want a formula spell that fuses your own eyelids shut?"
"Don't mind me. I'm just a suck."
"We're talking about pickle masturbation right now, thank you very much."
"Wait, Alex Abel is black? How could I not have noticed that before?"
"Maybe it's because you fused your own eyelids shut?"
"I used to have Trustworthy as a Soul skill. I traded it for Pathetic."
"I promised the Goddess of Love that I would babysit her child tonight while she goes out and fucks a woman."
"I've eaten nothing but wintergreen Tic Tacs for a week straight! My shit looks like an Everlasting Gobstopper!"
"Wait a minute. You have voices in your head that talk to you?"
"Yes. I scrape them out with a spoon."
"What would a New Inquisition postcard look like anyway? A rack and chains and the words 'Wish You Were Here?'"
"What kind of person do you people think I am?"
"I don't know. A butt-feeding child molester?"
"Crazy Uncle Bible."
"Drunk Uncle Fireman."
"Anyway, Tina hasn't reached the age of majority yet, so I wouldn't be able to induct her into my religion even if it were Christmas."
"Lesbian Child Pimps, Incorporated."
"...And then, I gesture vaguely. In directions."
[Jeremy fails a Rank 3 Self check while dancing with his (male) date and tries
"I'm sorry. I liked it, and it kind of scared me."
"...So I'm just going to chill out here until I resolve my latent homosexual
"All over the shower curtain."
"Sure, I sneak in the back sometimes, but I make a donation whenever I can. It's like an honor system they don't know about."
"That's one good thing about joining TNI. They hand out vehicles like fuckin' Halloween candy."
"Hi, Jeremy. How's being gay treating you?"
"Are you okay, Sam? You look more pissed off than usual."
"You know librarians..."
"They don't put out."
"I used to do guys, until one of them jumped out my window."
"So, anybody have any questions?"
"I do! What will happen if I stick this cyanide capsule in my ear?"
"We should call ourself the Cyanide Suppositories!"
"The New Inquisition is sticking us right up the Order of Virgil's ass!"
"Just out of curiosity, were you really playing with it all night?"
"Only a little."
"...Wait, are you still talking about your high-quality halogen penlight?"
"I don't know if I really want an ass around my neck."
"When it comes to violence, I have a hardened crotch."
"I volunteer to have sex with her!"
"You still have all your equipment. [Blank stares] Um, I mean your social worker ID didn't disappear just because everyone forgot you worked there. Sorry, D&D took over my brain for a minute there."
"This pawnshop sells nothing but illegal weapons and Precious Moments figurines!"
"It's been a very long time since I've had to handle a woman in a public setting."
"Which one is on our team again? They all have boobs."
"We're a walking bar joke. So this fireman, this prostitute, this fundamentalist Christian, and this hobo walk into a bar..."
"Plutomancy could probably help me with getting on Orlando Bloom."
"Yeah, it's too bad you can only call objects into your possession and not people."
"What if you objectify men?"
"It can't poo. It's a worthless frickin' monkey if it can't poo."
"Okay, for some reason I totally thought you were going to say 'shafted by mayonnaise' just now."
"Body skill: Resisting all the horrible things I do to myself."
"I'm an avatar of the Scholar, for God's sake. So please don't make my character taste his own semen."
"Aphrodite told me you were paying people to do research for you."
"Why would I want to pay you to do something I obviously enjoy?"
"What? You enjoy eating your own sperm?"
"Yes, my penis is a Pez dispenser."
"They all look like foreskin!"
"Yeah, that would be a great way to make friends with a Bibliomancer: to go and get spooge all over his books."
"I just can't believe how erotic the Necronomicon is..."
"We among Bibliomancers do not have a sex drive that we are aware of, sir."
"It tastes like mint! As does everything that I jizz on."
"I'm sure Alex Abel would get someone to lob long-distance blasts at all
of this guy's proxies if you gave him a good enough reason to do it. There's
a reason that TNI is feared all across America, you know."
"Yeah. It's because people like us are allowed to give them reasons to do things."
"So tell me about this church."
"Um, typical Unitarian church. About 150 members. Services on Sunday morning. Fellowship and a discussion group for religious seekers after that. They have interpretive dance therapy on Wednesday nights."
"I dunno, Beth. That last part sounded a bit smelly to me. Where did you pull that out of?"
"I'm a nice person, and Bloody Mary isn't going to eat me, so fuck you."
"Mrs. Claus is just Santa's current extramarital love slave."
"The two of you have a lot in common in that you like men, and he likes women."
"I was straight. Once."
"Little do you know, Sardis, that I've actually made you a proxy to Lucifer."
"Well, I'd certainly like to think that the Clockwork Knights would want me!"
"If I was sitting in a guard tower with a gun, I definitely wouldn't shoot at a hut on chicken legs."
"Wait a minute, all of you know this OOC? [Everyone nods.] I'm sorry, but who the fuck is Baba Yaga?"
"I'm not entirely sure how a clockwork knight would piss on your corpse, but okay."
"There aren't any socks over by you, are there?"
"You never know, man. Someday it may come in handy to have a gorilla in your trunk."
"...Most of which are old with age. [pause] Wow, that wasn't much of a sentence."
"Hey, I'm not the one who told your dice to be sexist."
[Anna finds out that his girlfriend is an automaton.]
"She was programmed to react favorably to your pick-up lines. That should've been a big tip-off right there."
[Anna and Sardis discover the Ritual of Union.]
"Dude! I think your proxy was trying to eat my proxy!"
"I want to be a mystic hermaphrodite! Let's go find somebody to eat!"
"It's 4:30 in the morning, you know."
"Yes, I know, but there's a ghost in our car."
"You tried to steal my creation."
"Dude, I'm sorry, but you were dead."
"I built her. She was still mine."
"Well, maybe it's your fault for making her so well!"
"You want me to help you? What can I do? I can't even kick over a plant!"
"What if I want to keep my head lice?"
"Well, as long as you play nicely and don't pass them along to the rest of the children in Mr. Alex Abel's second grade class, then that's probably okay."
"I don't think that Band-Aids usually leave behind a trail of ectoplasmic slime."
"I didn't do it! The demon did it!"
"Do you have the Necronomicon on tape, by any chance? I have a ghost following me and he can't turn the pages."
"I don't know, but it looks a little like it's going to burn me from the inside out in horrible, horrible death."
"So, the three of you are going to go see his automaton girlfriend that he stole from a ghost."
[Talking about how best to get rid of Amanda.]
"Give her a big ass. Destroy her from the inside."
"The good news is that if we can somehow get [Amanda] to fall in love with one of us, she's powerless."
"Hey, that's okay. If only the mundanes see us doing it, at least it's only the Sleepers who will come after us."
"She's a lesbian slut!"
"Come on, I'm just flirting."
"Any kind of carpet goes in her apartment."
"She's got whole piles of carpet squares down in the basement, I'd say."
"You should wait to kill [Amanda] until after she inseminates the body.
You know, until after she fertilizes it."
"She's an amoromancer!"
"That's dirty even for an amoromancer."
"Well, you guys wake up and the city isn't in flames..."
"I'm going over to Clifton's house. If I'm not back in two hours, come looking for my corpse."
"Now that you two are done playing Santa Claus to the entire occult underground..."
"I feel so good now that I just gave away a major charge."
"Now we have to find $100 million for Jeremy."
"And an extra gonad for you, Riemer."
"Go do it! Masturbate in ghost space!"
"...Wait, why am I whispering? I'm a ghost. No one can hear me anyway."
"She follows the path of the White Trash avatar."
"I'm gonna go visit my psychic kid."
"We need an expert opinion on this."
"Yes. The kind that only a 10-year-old can provide."
"Setting up an appointment with [Lorna] might be inviting disaster, but it would only be polite."
"What would Mulder do? You should get a bracelet."
"I'm good at being a lesbian, but not much else."
"It's all true? Even the part about how the Virgil Corporation ran over
all those kittens for fun?"
"I wouldn't put it past them."
"I got a double zero, guys. What does that mean?"
"I don't do sausage. Mostly because of how it's shaped."
"So is that the child-killing one or...wait, which demon are we talking about here?"
"Get Sardis on the phone right now, you guys. If Cthulhu is real, I would like to fucking know about it."
"Is there anything else you guys should tell me?"
"Sardis has a gorilla in the trunk of his car."
"Why is your supervisor dead? [shrugs] I don't know, there was a gorilla in my trunk."
"Oh, yummy. I love Helplessness."
"Noel, tell Riemer he's been acting strangely."
"Eric! What are you doing? Those are my campaign notes!"
"I'm sorry. I guess my notes sort of spilled over onto them."
"Maybe they'll make baby notes."
"Or maybe you could diablerize her notes. But then Lucifer would just come back and kick your ass anyway."
"I'd mess with a lot of animals before I messed with an elephant. I'd even mess with weasels and squirrels, because at least I could deal with the diseases."
[right after Jeremy is found dead in his bed] "Dibs on his cyanide capsule."
"Slash slash, I was taking a bath..."
"That's right, I just drop the Necronomicon in a blender..."
"Now we've found a Retarded Hero avatar!"
"Sam is really into Alex Abel. I guess she's got a thing for rich and powerful men that are still attractive and can give her their full attention while running their own evil empire."
"I'd like to dye my hair ho-bag brown, please."
"I don't know what's with me and butts tonight."
"Do you think there's a TNI singles night?"
"Lock the door and fill the room with tear gas. Then carry out your choice."
"Will eat for knowledge."
"It was just, like, raining paperback book on this guy's town."
"Wait a minute. When did you guys get chummy with my bitch-ass proxy?"
"I say knock their heads together and eat them."
"What's the difference between panic and frenzy again?"
"Panic, you run away screaming at top speed. Frenzy, you beat up Anna."
"Hmm. I'm going to have to go with 'beat up Anna,' Alex."
"I would believe in aliens before God."
"I didn't know you were such a geek, Sam."
"Creating your own hell? Somehow that doesn't really seem like his bag of worms."
"Why don't we make our own hell and send the Order of Virgil there?"
"I call dibs on demon lord!"
"I will rog you in the rasslin' match!"
"Sardis is the lord of Anal Tic-Tac Hell."
"It's my opinion that the world needs more vagina-shaped novelty items."
"Stop wearing a stick up your ass."
[After learning about a formal banquet being hosted by the Order of Virgil.]
"I say you streak it with your face on backwards, and woohoo! Riot rules!"
"So you light up your bioluminescent nipples..."
"Will something scream deep in the recesses of his house if I start pulling the skin off his floor?"
"But what if your carpet gets ebola?"
"I love how you're all like, 'Oh, don't hurt my carpet!'"
"But what if it has sensitive skin?"
"I tickle the carpet."
"The skin begins to vibrate and ripple near where you tickled it."
"Whoa. Easy there, fella."
"So this one time, Riemer turned my carpet into skin. And that was the end of language."
"So I think we need to name our carpet..."
"Riemer, can you put one of these in my apartment?"
"Um...I would have to stab myself a lot before I could even think about doing that."
"Can you stab me instead? I really want a living carpet."
"What can you possibly do for me?"
"I give good head."
"We'll buy you a giant shoe to keep all of your babies in. And Riemer can carpet it for you."
"Dude, I'm black, which means I can't even have white babies and sell
them to people."
"Riemer can help you with that!"
"So you can get hooked up with a baby Voltron..."
"Everyone in that house is insane. In fact, I'd say that right now, Sardis
is the most sane of those three."
"Wow, Eric. I think the universe owes you a dollar."
"I bet it would really mess a Terminator up if you fed it caramel."
"Poo jokes are always funny."
"Old people poo jokes are even funnier."
"I think this exceeds my anal circumference, right here."
"What kind of game is it if you don't start at first level?"
"Final Fantasy 7!"
"You find a spell called magic missle."
"Wait, don't cast it! You don't know what that ritual's going to do."
"I watch for invisible people."
"This is my cousin Eli. You know, the one who ascended."
"Hey, I know just what Riemer's defining moment is. It's that one time I stuck my ass in that hole that one time."
"...So I'm just going to stick it where we found that memory thing. If she doesn't look, she'll never miss it."
"Once you go 'bot, you never go back!"
"A husband and wife Mechanomancer team? That's interesting. I bet they'd have a great night every so often and in the morning neither of them would remember it. It'd be just like the first time every time, complete with fumbling."
"TNI is so not Batman."
"Sardis is going to start up a trachea farm!"
"...And thus, the game ended, and the limericks began."
"I didn't manage to get another switchblade from the Beast, but he sure
gave me another cyanide capsule!"
"Think he's trying to send you a message, there, Anna?"
"Wait, I've got it! What if the Sleepers put the Knocking Box up on Ebay themselves, so they could see who'd bid on it and then have an excuse to go out and kick their ass?"
"Okay. If I'm ever missing for a week again, I give you permission to unlock my door and answer my phone, because you never know. It might be me."
"Do you have something in the armory that's good for giant squid?"
[Discussing how to get rid of a greater Unspeakable Servant.]
"We could just kill its master so it won't have to take orders anymore."
"Yeah, but then we'd have a horse-sized Cthulhu running around that was invulnerable to all physical harm."
"Sounds to me like a classic case of the Sleepers' problem!"
"I'm sorry. My cell phone got lost in another dimension."
"You should cancel payments on that."
"We then saw a monster ranging in description from tentacle horse to giant Cthulhu..."
"I wonder if you can form a mother-child bond with an animal. Of course,
that begs the question of whether animals can blow stress checks."
"It also begs the question of whether you can form a mother-child bond with an animal you've never seen that's spent its entire life cramped up in a trunk."
"I would like a bionic womb!"
"Oh wise and powerful Kwik-E-Mart..."
"He could put places all sorts of shit."
"Magic 8-Ball, active. Pocket maglite, on."
"...Sardis, can you pretend you're not with me?"
[Riemer falls onto the electrified third rail in the Chicago subway.]
"Beth! Do I get a major charge?"
"It looks like you're going to have a lot of permanent scarring on your
"Eh, I was going to put it there anyway."
"I was going to create a nice Victorian motif, but this will do."
"Looks like the crazy cleared your heads, girls!"
[Anna and Sam accost a crazy street preacher.]
"I seen a demon once."
"Really? Which one?"
"I don't whether them two was sent by God or the Devil, but I know I got to find me a new corner."
"One benefit of Riemer faceplanting on the third rail earlier is that now you know where not to step."
"He has a private room for a reason, you know."
"I'd say a coffin is a pretty good reason!"
"Dude, Shane and Kate are going to go do something really dumb, and it's kind of my fault."
"I'm sorry. I've been drugged."
"Yes. We can tell."
"I'M A BAD MAN!"
"There's a boner over in that corner. Watch out."
"I carefully collect the stray vertebrae."
"Things are getting better in the orphanage. We've only had three cases of stigmata in the last four weeks."
"I'm going to hang out by Roland's school like a scary child molestor."
"I don't see much of Eli anymore."
"Well, that's not really surprising, since he's ascended and all."
"I find it so hilarious that Riemer carries a gun not because he might have to shoot the other guy, but because he might have to shoot himself."
"They're Sleepers, right? Maybe we should bring them some sort of gift. Like a leprechaun."
"Maybe I could give [the Sleepers] back their car antenna."
"Smoker. Big turn-off."
"Yes. Wait, I'm gay."
"Well, I'm checking him out, and I'm straight."
"And I'm keeping my mouth shut."
"Where's Sam when you need her? She can seduce the scum out of a bathtub."
"What an ass!"
"Oh, you're saying he's a jerk. At first I thought you were marveling at his ass."
"Before we get on the bus, I ask, 'So, you think we should make out?'"
"Wallet-eating is kind of a standard operating procedure where we come from."
"Remember back when we were naked?"
"Do you mind having an ugly-ass body?"
"You're feeling okay, Riemer. Lucky for you, your head kind of cushioned the fall."
"Do it, or I'll be forced to kill all of you."
"Starting with Sardis."
"But first, I'll make an example out of Riemer."
"...And Riemer gets his ass kicked by Chronological Alignment again."
"Hey, at least this time it advances the plot, and it wasn't just some random gay guy in a bar."
"Fortunately, I have a soft spot for clockworks."
"And a hard spot, too."
"Maybe clockworks get off on ruining women's lives."
"I suppose that when we do get to Christmas, we'll be opening a whole different Easter egg."
"Now, who's the glutton for punishment who gets to test out this device?"
"Ooh, me! I'm the test pilot for stupid."
[Making a trade: The Knocking Box in exchange for a woman willing to do the Ritual of Union with Tanaka.]
"It's another quest for the willing wench!"
"Hey, Riemer! You could turn into a woman and CHAAAAARGE!"
"Excuse me, guys. I've gotta go cut myself for awhile."
"Riemer comes out with bandages on his arms..."
"...And a spring in his stumble."
"I'm going to go hatred-fishing. Anyone wanna come along?"
"I would, but I'm supposed to go give something to a robot who is going to kill me and everyone else if I don't."
"Okay, Danny. If she flips out, just..."
"Be a ghost?"
"You have this ferocious hate-on for Amanda."
"It's like a strap-on hate."
"It sounds like the extensive reprogramming may have affected his ethical
cortex. I mean, if he was throwing Riemer up against a wall..."
"Yeah, well, a lot of people do that."
"My rage increases every time I look that way."
"That can't be good for your heart."
"I should start carrying my cyanide capsule."
"You walk up to the elementary school with your hooker in tow..."
"I've been in another dimension. Give me a break."
"Aphrodite is turning into Gendo Ikari. She only visits her kids when she has a use for them."
"If I were still a social worker, I'd have to take my kid away from myself."
"She's a high-class prostitute, not a high-class pedophile."
"I stop talking to Sardis, because he's being a minor prick."
"Hey, he's got a 10 dick. There's nothing minor about that prick."
"You can't step on moist dead babies."
"I KILLED ALL THE BABIES!"
"...Wow, great thing to yell in an orphanage."
"That was where they were building the baby tower. Euuuuuugh."
"Are you going to do the child molester thing again?"
"Do you think Sister Mary Agnes would let us borrow a kid? We need an excuse to get a prophetic 10-year-old away from his foster parents for the evening."
"I've got it! We grab Roland, kill a pig in their living room, and leave. Problem solved."
"I love the fact that Riemer carries a gun not in case he has to shoot the other guy, but in case he has to shoot himself."
"If you put an eye on the end of your dick, when someone was giving you a blow job you could look down their throat!"
"Yes, but how do you know you wouldn't be pissing off Thor by sticking your dick in his butt?"
"You've got a 10 dick. Why do you even need a gun?"
"Because we're fighting a little girl."
"Did you just match-fail a Firearms check with me in front of you?"
"Make an example of him! Then, next turn, double zero and kill Sardis!"
"It's all right. Sardis has a shotgun."
"Say that a little louder, why don't you?"
"Dear Nightmare Critter, I am sorry that I beat you with a flashlight."
"Society has taught Aphrodite that she should fear anteaters."
"It's getting pretty bad when I can't even perform oral sex without a Hail Mary."
"How do you want to do this?"
"Sneak in, kidnap the kid, kill a pig..."
"The more we know, the less masturbation will be involved."
"Hell has just frozen over. Sardis conceded a point to Sam."
"If she wants to be a little white girl, I can make it be that way."
"But then how will she pay for college?"
"Wow. We haven't been this racist since Hunter."
"He's like a loyal dog: always at your side, though he never says anything."
"We'll shave the top of his head. You know, it's like a bowl cut, but gone horribly, horribly wrong."
"You put the 'romance' back in 'necromancy.'"
"You could give a hand job with your feet!"
"Just how do you bend a firepole into the shape of friendship, anyway?"
"The last time demons were around when we did a ritual, we happened."
"...And Sam pops out of the clouds and says, 'Morning quickie!'"
Additional Game Material
Check out our fantastic collection of player-generated limericks inspired by the doings of PCs and NPCs alike.
The Cyanide Suppositories (Player Characters):
Samantha Gavel, a high-class stripper and escort who moonlights as an existentialist philosopher. Played by Nikki.
Aphrodite Jambon, a lesbian social worker and Mother avatar originally from Ethiopia. Played by Sarah.
Annakie Nanansie, a friendly Jamaican bum and wandering storyteller now learning the fine art of being a spy. Played by Iain.
Ezekiel Riemer, a none-too-bright firefighter turned Epideromancer with a bit of a martyr complex. Played by Noel.
Ezekial Sardis, a religion professor, Scholar avatar, budding ritualist, and inventor of his own religion. Played by Eric.
Ezekyul Anderson, a high school student with a shadowy past. Dead; body taken over by his proxy. Played by Jake.
Jeremy Erickson, a college student, Plutomancer, and closeted stripper. Dead; death dumped by his proxy. Played by Rachel.