Star Wars d20 Quotes

"You're the Wookie, huh? What kind?"
"Um...a black one?"

[Yes, this is how the first session started.]
"So. All of you guys are in this bar..."

"What's your name?"
"Ander LaVrool."
"Avril Lavigne?"

"I look for a beetle that looks nice and shifty."

"If we get a ship, we are so calling it the Shifty Beetle."

"Okay. So you release the beetles and they kind of charge at each other and begin beetle combat. Roll initiative."

"By the way, you're eventually going to have to pay to have me gold-plated."

"So I suppose I need to roll to pilot a speeder."
"Nope."
"Damn. I was hoping he'd humiliate himself."
"Yeah. I was hoping I'd humiliate myself."

"Roll for damage."
"Come on!"
"Dude! You pulled a landspeeder up by a Ewok body!"

"Yes. Let us walk into the rocks, so we may be assassimacated."

"...And thus begins the dick-waving prick fight."

"Someone should kill him. I mean, AAAARRRRAAH!"

"He looks at Caleb expectantly."
"I look at Ander expectantly."
"You owe me 1800 credits."

"You killed our men."
"No, I didn't! I couldn't even hit them!"
"He's right. The Jedi does suck quite a lot."
[A fistfight breaks out.]

"So you come to the nearest cyberlodge and you talk to the cyberlodgingkeeper..."

"There's nothing quite like getting drunk and getting in a lightsaber duel."

"Force adepts are pretty sweet. You get all of the cool Jedi powers and none of the responsibility."

"Why did you name me ZX29!? Were you drunk?"
"No, I was probably 14."

"I'm really curious as to why you built me with all this stuff."
"Like what?"
"A flamethrower..."

"What about my telescoping appendage?"
"Well, that's got obvious uses. I was 14."

"I want to change my name to E10X."
"I think the correct response to that would be, 'Whatever floats your boat, big guy.'"

"Ander, you're awoken by B6 nudging the bed. He wants you to take him on a walk."

"He could have heard anything in that room. It was probably just a couple going at it."
"I need to investigate it anyway."
"Yeah, Caleb just busts in..."
"Jedi business!"

"You don't need to teach me a lesson."
"Roll for that."
[rolls] "6! Fucking Jedi mind trick."
"Yeah, that's about what he says."

"I am invincible! My master said so. I ride the short bus."

"Not only did you destroy the blaster, you cut the guy's hand off."
[general chorus] "Come to the dark side, Caleb!"

"Resistance is futile!"
"Dude. I'm Jedi, not Borg."

"An Ewok, a Wookie, and a Jedi posing as smuggler?"
"Best smugglers ever!"
"Yeah, we wear black T-shirts that say, 'I'm a smuggler!'"

"ARAAAARRARARAAAH!"
"What did you just say?"
"I don't know. It was something about his mother."
"I turn to the smuggler and say, 'The Wookie says he'd like to have an audience with you.'"

"The man opens the door with his blaster rifle still pointed at you. He says, 'Okay, now I'm curious.'"

"Come inside, but leave your weapons at the door. And if I don't like what you say, I get to shoot you."

"This individual is threatening to kill us. Is he a threat to you?"

"He says that he is a very powerful warrior, and that he will not be made to sit in a window."

"What are you doing?"
"I believe the correct response here would be, 'We're fucking with your mind!'"

"So let me get this straight. Not only did your superiors send an Ewok and a Wookie to bring me a message, they did it when they're only staying four rooms down from me?"

"Your new name shall be F-Minus, Dorkbot Extraordinaire."

"Please don't ever try to Use Magic Device on the thermal detonator."

"Dude, you gotta do something with your lightsaber so you don't cut your own dick off."
"Yeah. Then you'd really be a girl."
"Yeah. I've totally gotta do that."
[pause] "WHAT?!"

"I have an 18 Charisma, so I'm an asshole in spite of myself."

"I believe the only response to that is, 'We're here to tear up your couch.'"

"This is not the couch we're looking for."

"I got a 1, but it was a 2."

"Poor bounty hunter. I feel sorry for him."
"Yeah. He kind of liked you."
"And then you shot him."
"Hey, he doesn't ever have to know that I did it."

"Can we cut his other hand off, too? I mean, RRRRRAAAAAAH!"

"All the other Jedi get to run around the galaxy fighting off the menace that is the Yuuzhan Vong. I sit in bars on Corellia and try not to get arrested and turned in for the bounty."

"But how will we win without B6?"

"Roll a Detect Sarcasm check."

"No, my compatriot who is down in the cavern does not have a finger on his head."

"Guys, I think we just participated in a Jedi carjacking."

"E10X, you suck. Get in the...robot?"

"Yes, we are all being cautious. Except for the Jedi, who is headstrong and a bastard."

"Roll initiative."
"Damn it. I never actually get to question anyone, because you shoot them all first."
"You know, I don't think Caleb ever actually told us that he was supposed to be conducting an investigation."
"I think that's kind of a chicken and egg question..."

"Ewok: better than sheep, not as good as Wookie."

"If I go back there and tell Daalo Deelo that the true king of Blown-Up Land wants to see him, he's not going to listen."

"This guy is so old, he can't even stand up, much less do an Ewok."
"Oh, you don't have to stand up to do an Ewok."

"When I told Daalo Deelo that a Jedi, the king of Blown-Up Land, an Ewok, and a Wookie were here to see him, his eyes lit up. I haven't seen that happen in years."

"Dude!"
"What?"
"I just told the Ewok my entire back story in the time it took you to bullshit that guy."

"I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to stop your investigation."
"That's funny. A bunch of other people have asked us to do the same thing, and we couldn't help them out either."

[waves hand] "I will cut you."
"He will cut me."

"Hey, Caleb! I thought of something we could do. It involved us RUNNING LIKE A BITCH!"

"I'm getting Force choked like a motherfucker over here! Do something!"

"Caleb, would you say this is a sufficiently dire situation?"
"Yes. [sees evil Ewok grin] Oh, no. Wait a minute. Nothing could ever be that dire."

"Well, I'm thinking right now that the first Force lighting was just a warm-up..."

"You call down the purple lightning that is your god. It rains down upon Daalo Deelo. Soon, all that is left is a crispy black pile of ash."
"Wow."
"Does he have any gold?"

"E10X! What happened?"
"He says to you in binary, 'There is no answer to Turn Fence 3-7.'"
"That's your new name!"

"Do I smell the acrid stench of burning Jedi?"

"I'm gonna upload these bounties onto the datapad I took from Triscuit or whoever."

"Let me see the computer."
"Hm?"
"I mean, let me see the magic box."

"Wait. Since he knows I'm the king, can I use my reputation bonus to intimidate him?"
"I don't know that your reputation is all that intimidating, Ander."

"I blame my Dark Side Point on the fucking Ewok calling down Force lightning every chance he gets. He's a bad influence, dude."

"The smugglers put you in the back with the cargo."
"Do they have any gold?"

"You see, you were malfunctioning, and then you said something cool. And now, your name is Turn Fence 3-7."

"Maybe I should find, like, the Star Wars equivalent of PCP, get all hopped up, go up into that cabin, and just start wrecking ass on all those smugglers. 'Cause a Jedi on PCP would be unstoppable, dude."

"You guys find a crate full of a bunch of papers."
"Rolling papers?"

"Who gets Alderaan's money if you die?"
"Um...B6."
"You son of a bitch."

"When I get my freedom, B6 is so going down."

"Turn Fence 3-7 can always get his freedom. All he needs to do is go see the Wizard of Oz."

"You two so look like you're gonna kiss."

"I'm sorry. I was thinking about dirty Jedi butt-sex, so I didn't hear a word you just said."
"Oh yeah. That's the best. Especially when you take out the lightsabers."

"Natural 20! I just did something."

"Shall I cut a hole in the hull, master?"
"I'm not sure. There might be space out there."
"I could just make it a small hole."
"Um...if we're in space, a small hole is going to be just as bad as a large one."
"We could plug it up with B6."

"It's your fault! You and your stupid Inspire Rage ability are the reason I'm incapable of following the Jedi Code!"

"Hopped up on smack is better than dead."

"Drugged-up raging Wookie! Woohoo!"

"Would the Wookie care if I flamethrowered him?"
"Well, I guess you just have to ask yourself, do you really want to be around a bald naked Wookie whose fur you burned off?"

"I always roll well for hit points. It's the only thing I'm ever good at. It keeps my sucky characters from dying when they should."

"Dude, I'm drunk on courage and high on stupid. You know I'm running in there."

"I stepped out! I'm hoping to intimidate them with my ultimate badassitude."

"Apparently, I run in there and I flame 'em. I flame 'em good and I flame 'em hard."

"What are you doing?"
"I am removing B6's arm so that I may sell it on the black market and buy my freedom."

"These desires are unhealthy and will cause you to short-circuit."
"They will not."
"Yes, they will. I saw it in a movie."

"I wanna intimidate them."
"Okay. You get a +8 bonus because you just killed EVERYONE."

"I get up and go into the cockpit."
"Y'know, I'm thinking this is a vicious cycle, because you have to walk through the drugs to get there."

[Talking about Ander's plans to create New Alderaan out of a Death Star.]
"You realize that to do this you have to talk to Princess Leia."
"Yes."
"And you realize that Princess Leia is associated with Luke Skywalker."
"Yes."
"And you realize that you're associated with me."
"Of course."
"Okay. I'm just saying, if you make me look like an idiot in front of Luke Skywalker, I'm never speaking to you again."

"So spending Dark Side Points to do more evil makes you less evil how?"

"Ander, you should probably know that as you're going through the database, you..."
"Die."

"I bask in my victorious victory."

"Basically, Ander wants to make a Death Star without the death."
"It's the Ander Star!"

"It's a familiar face and a girl you remember fondly. Her name...is Lisa."

"Ander, I have something that I need to tell you."
"I'm pregnant."

"Just so you know, Lisa, I'm building a Death Star."

"I sense a disturbance in the Force. It's...a girl."

"I'll gather others who are loyal to you. Together, we'll expose them."
"Actually, I was kind of hoping that you'd expose yourself."

"Wow. The fact that your droid is a disobedient gimp just saved your life."

"It's like Air Force Once. Whatever ship Ander gets on is automatically called the Shifty Beetle."

"They're Force drugs. They induce meditation, dude."

"Whatever. We're on Endor and these drug runners are halfway across the galaxy. They can come to me when they want to get their ass kicked."

"I have a great deal for you! But you have to come talk to us first. I promise we won't shoot you."

"The ship crash doesn't hurt you, but the explosion sure does!"

"You know, Chuuuuurch, it's really somewhat good to see you again."

"Ewoks know all about drugs. It's not like they don't smoke up every single day."

"I wanted to give him the ship, but Caleb overruled me, because, I don't know, apparently Jedi business is important."

"Chuuuuurch, you cock-bite!"
"What? You Jedi-taunting fucktard!"

"There's an Ewok village about three hours' walk from here. If you bring them electronics, they might feed you."

"This has been a really sucky day. I'm going to go meditate. Shut the fuck up, Noel."

"Yeah, B6 just got a face full of mynock."

"Stupid friggin' Yuuzhan Vong, having sex with their own ships."

"The Yuuzhan Vong's staff spits poison into your eyes. Make a Fortitude save."
(rolls) "21!"
"Okay. You're not blind, and you're not poisoned."
"Fuck yeah! Today is a day for heroes."

"Yeah, we should definitely kill all the Yuuzhan Vong just so GMs don't have to put up with their bullshit weapons."

(about the Yuuzhan Vong) "Oh my God! They're bullshit munchkin GM powertrip monsters!"

(to the tune of Devo's "Whip It") "And when a Wookie comes along, you can whip it..."

(talking about Randy, Noel's Hunter character) "That's all I could do. I could dodge for other people, and I could make vampires cry."

"Does the ship have a door?"
"No..."
"Well, does it have a sphincter?"

"Stupid dice, squirting out of my hand."
"That's okay. Consider them blessed for having rolled under my ass."

"Okay, what just happened?"
"The Wookie just chopped the Dark Jedi's head off."
"Well, he didn't so much chop it off as it exploded."

"I'm sure the Ewoks will find him and sodomize him greatly."

"How much Death Star does 250,000 credits buy me?"

"It's okay. I'm metal, and Wookie's don't burn that hot."

"And he's screaming in Yuuzhan Vong, 'You team-killing fucktard!'"

"Roll damage."
"13."
"You kick its jaw off."
"This is not physically possible!"

"My dice gives me what I needs when I needs it."

"Are there turrets poking out of the bottom of the ship?"
"What? Turds?"

"You guys successfully evaded your first 12th-level Dark Jedi."

"You are in the pit of the cock."

"I thought you were saying, 'Can I borrow a bomb?' And I was thinking, yeah, that's about what would help us right now. Just blow ourselves up and start over."

"Ander, goddammit! Now is not the time to be pissing your pants!"
"Good idea! I piss my pants."

"...And then he knocks down the door, picks you up, and starts gnawing on your flesh."

"Did you just take 28 damage?"
"...I DON'T KNOW!"

"You're probably awake by now, what with all the commotion and the lightning."
"I wonder what I'd think about that."
"Business as usual!"

"TASTY BERRIES, REPAIR ME!"

"...And, still in private, he gives you sweet, sweet Jedi butt-sex."

"When I am the first line of defense against the Yuuzhan Vong, you know the galaxy is fucked."

"There are bars on Yavin 4?"
"Yes. They don't have glasses. They use the Force."

"Hot damn! We need to get us some Jedi bling bling!"

"It's the Jedi Academy gift shop!"

"Hey, can I get a shield to block poison to the eyes?"
"Can I buy some Wookie safety goggles?"

"There's only one thing that takes away Dark Side Points, you know."
"That's right. Dirty Jedi butt-sex."

"It is the Jedi Academy. God only knows what getting that ship involved."

"You walk past a sign that says 'Welcome to Naboo.' It has a picture of Queen Amidala on it. You totally think she's hot. So you go back to your room and masturbate."

"I'm going to metagame a little bit here and say that since Jared is a dumbass, right now he's probably being a dumbass."

"I'm sorry this is taking so long. Jared is busy digging himself a hole. By the way, how many vitality points does Force lightning cost?"

"Life in the asteroid system of Alderaan was so boring, little Ander spent all of his time daydreaming about how to make two Death Stars hump each other."

"How many Dark Side Points did Solaris just gain?"
"Since we started this scene 20 minutes ago? Six."

"Okay. Roll Farseeing."
(rolls) "Natural 1. I see exactly dick."
"Yeah. You sense a great disturbance in the Force, and yes, it is your boner."

"I start walking around the city looking for places that might be appealing to someone who's tending toward the Dark Side."

"I use Treat Injury on myself."
"Okay. As you're doing this you're seeing visions of Emperor Palpatine."
"What about him?"
"You love him. You want to be his lover."

"So instead of just telling the guy not to come in, you leveled his house with a thermal detonator."
"Well...I figured that anything else would look suspicious."

"Well, in my defense...I got nothin.'"

"This is Caleb Zendal. I represent the interest of the Jedi Council. If anyone's in here, they have 15 seconds to come out with their hands up, or else shit is going to get wrecked."

"In retrospect, paying 100 credits would have saved me a lot of time and death."

"I'm not exactly a Dark Jedi. I'm just a guy who likes to use the Force for evil purposes."

"What would it take to rip his arms off?"
"I'm not gonna tell you."

"Congratulations, Solaris. Now you don't have arms."
"Do I take a wound for that?"

"Fine! Then I guess I die! While cackling madly! Without arms!"

"Turn Fence rolls in the blood and basks in the glory."

"A Wookie just beat you to death with your own arms! I don't think your armor really matters!"

"I sense a disturbance in the Force. And this time, it's not a boner. It's a Gungan."
"But it's a female Gungan."
"Eeeeww. That gives me an anti-boner."

"You made your droid into a bug zapper!"

"No one will sell you an X-Wing. Or a weapon. Your eyes turned red when you bought your freedom."

"Turn Fence is extremely effective when he obeys me."
"Which is never!"

Characters:
Ander LaVrool, the first prince and king-in-waiting of the asteroid system of Alderaan. Played by Noel.
Caleb Zendal, an astonishingly inept padawan tracking down smugglers at the behest of the Jedi council. Played by Beth.
Chub Chuk, an Ewok shaman on a quest for powerful "magic items." Played by Jake.
Chuuuuurch, a Wookie warrior with a disturbing fondness for gold chains. Played by John.
Solaris, an ill-fated Dark Marauder Force user from Bakura. Dead. Played by Jared.
ZX29! aka Z-29 aka E10X aka Turn Fence 3-7, Ander's droid bodyguard. Played by Jared.
GM: Max.

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