“In the corner of the room you see several tanks filled with a clear liquid.”
“Sweet! I’m gonna shoot the guy and then get in the tank.”
[Blank stares. It turns out the GM meant bacta tanks, and the player thought they were military tanks.]
“Dude, didn’t the fact that they were filled with a clear liquid tip you off at all?”
“I just thought they were some kind of crazy space tanks!”
“So, where are you?”
“Well, I guess I’m on Corellia…”
“In a Jedi death camp!”
“Wait a second. Do you have morals?”
“What do you call this?”
“Urine.”
“Do you think there’s some sort of secret Rebel handshake?”
“We don’t need your character. We have guns.”
“It’s the us squad and you over there. That’s the name of this game.”
“She does have a lightsaber.”
“I have a lightsaber – in my pants!”
(in reference to the 15-year-old Jedi Knight) “There’s no ‘legal’ in Star Wars, is there?”
“I just had an interesting thought. You were telling a young girl about your disease and everything, and it convinced her to spend the night in your hotel room. Doesn’t that usually work the other way around?”
“We should just start calling him Svem. He’s like a space-age Norwegian.”
“Psst! I’ll give you a buck if you use the Force.”
“When someone uses the Force and you’re Force-sensitive, can you tell?”
“Yeah. You get a boner.”
“What have you done?”
“I don’t know. But it’s not as bad as shooting some random guy in broad daylight. I think.”
“I have it on good authority from my Jedi friend that we’re looking for Rebels.”
“If I was a fucking Wookie or something, you’d all be dead right now.”
“If you were a fucking Wookie, you wouldn’t do this shit.”
“The Rebels suck. I hate them.”
“At least they didn’t disease you.”
“Yeah, well, when he says ‘we’ he means ‘me.’”
“That’s right. I have six months to live.”
“It’s all for a good cause.”
“The cause of my ass. Saving it, that is.”
“Dude, Vem’s going to be so pissed. He’s a gambler who’s about to wake up without any money.”
“It’s okay. We have more guns than he does.”
“Go down, conquer them, and set yourselves up as gods. That’s our Prime Directive.”
“Dude, I think you can have the Rebel Alliance if you bring them Darth Vader.”
“Yeah. If we don’t quit blocking this canyon they’re going to put the boot on our starship.”
“Woohoo, Jedi boobs!”
(flat, disgusted tone) “This is the best session ever.”
“What’s your name?”
“Aspree.”
“All right, Saspree.”
“Haven’t we shot enough people already today?”
(glaring at the Jedi) “See, this is what my manacles are for.”
“Where’s G4?”
“Piloting one of the other ships, I think. Why?”
“I was just wondering if he might have a sensor array, a communications array, or random wiring. Because if he doesn’t, I’m going to take them out of his body.”
“Bet you didn’t know Hoth is like the Mayo Clinic of the Rebels.”
“Well, if he dies, he dies a space-age Norwegian.”
“Yeah, the Rebels are flying high right now. Chewie’s on the cover of PlayRebel and everything.”
“Here on Hoth, we can give you anything you want! As long as it’s snow.”
“Well, looks like we have to improvise a navigation buoy.”
“Okay. Can I borrow your cloud car?”
“No.”
“Oh, it’s okay. Sima’s just drinking blood.”
“Ventral! I said engage the ventral thrusters, you damn gambler!”
“Oh, you mean ventral means bottom?”
“Somehow I think a spacesuit and a lightsaber are a bad combination, but okay.”
“Everyone put your hands up.”
“No response.”
“Okay. Simon says everyone put your hands up.”
“…So right now, he’s humping G4.”
“That’s really arcane.”
“Oh, I’d say it’s more divine than arcane.”
“I don’t know what’s going on, but my name’s Greg!”
“Hey, guys. I’ve got a great idea. Why don’t we all go to Stuttgart, Germany?”
“If I squint my eye just so, I can make pus shoot out of it!”
“I wanna figure out a way to make my tauntaun fly.”
“That would be a heroic feat.”
[rolls dice] “75!”
“Okay, it sprouts wings. Erase ‘tauntaun’ on your equipment sheet and replace it with ‘supertauntaun.’”
“Are you sure Sima can be trusted?”
“No. But he is a fairly level-headed fellow who works well with others.”
“Sima Dun IS the Terminator.”
“Dear God! What happened in here?”
“Oh, nothing. A small technical accident.”
“Technical? Sima, that looks like blood.”
“Oh, it is. But it’s all right. He’s dead now.”
“All right, guys. Keep an eye out, because something might happen. And then I’m using projective telepathy to send out, like, BWAH!”
“Little did we know that in spider language, ‘crush, kill, destroy’ actually means ‘love, hug, and kiss.’”
“You see, ‘sleep’ is a code word for ‘kill the other guys.’”
The Players and Characters:
Aspree, an alien freighter pilot. Played by Nikki.
G4-3PO, a Shard who everyone thinks is a simple protocol droid. Played by Iain.
Sidda Ry’ahl Karoly, a young Jedi from an isolated planet. Think Luke Skywalker only less cool. Played by Beth.
Sima Dun, a quick-draw master, ex-Imperial spy (or is he?), and all-around amoral scoundrel. Played by Paul.
Simon Lynfreed, another bounty hunter with minor Force powers. Played by Jake.
Vem, an alien gambler and the owner of the pleasure cruiser Iron Maiden. Played by Noel.
ST: Ernst.