Mage: The Awakening (Buffalo's Unfortunate) Quotes
"So, what were you doing when aliens showed up?"
"Are you a grey?"
"No, she just said her last name was James, you fucking moron."
"You didn't want me to worry, so you didn't call me?"
"Do you people ever do anything except go to meetings and form committees?"
"No, of course not."
"21 XP to get it up? That's even worse than spending blood points."
"Bill has a weird thought process."
"And by 'weird' you mean 'superficial.'"
"Ye Olde Generic Cola."
"Leviathan McGee? Oh wait, that's your real name."
"Fuck this! I second that! Aaaargh! Grandpa!"
"There were centaurs at yours? What the fuck was it, a Renaissance Festival?"
"You guys are like a pack of ravening wolves. Soon you'll be fighting
to see who's the alpha."
"Oh, I think we already know."
"And we all have a different answer."
"...the cold, prolonged anal silence..."
"The test just says, 'Take me now.'"
"We've secretly replaced his coffee with mage piss. Let's see if he notices."
"If they give me a packet, I'm gonna poop on it."
"'All right, let's get started!' And she closes the blinds and starts
taking off her clothes."
"My mentor wins."
"Shall we begin with the Art of Unveiling?"
"Looks like we already did."
"I don't think you need Space to figure out where the salami is hidden."
"So I'm gonna go into his garden and..."
"Furiously, over his plants."
"And everybody frolics together in a magical meadow with rainbows and
"Some of the secrets we possess could summon powers that could cause massive
"Sign me up!"
[lisping] "Super! Time to die!"
"How did your session with Justice go?"
"I learned some things I didn't know before."
"She has a tattoo."
"Most of it is inside her."
"See, this way the first time we walk into one of the Supernal Realms, there won't be a truck with a gigantic club waiting there to kill us all."
"You guys are all like, 'Free Council ftw!' and I'm like, 'paperwork wtf?'"
"Oh, grandma! I mean..."
"You know whose car you're driving? Grandpa's car."
"Okay, poison gas contingent..."
"The guy didn't seem to care that much, but he told us that the Oxen Clan was gonna kill us anyway."
"And what Path do you follow?"
"Um, we're undeclared Paths. The Watchtower of the Fifth-Year Freshman."
"The ruling Arcana of that Realm are Booze and Laziness."
"What's the inferior Arcanum?"
[Ashe tells us what he's good for:]
"Um...I have some money and I'm really good at lying?"
"What's the penalty for not being able to get down?"
"That's better than not being able to get it up."
"Ashe Nastyghost, please."
"Oh, did we Grandpa?"
"Well, you went to business school, so of course they had a major in whoring."
"Yes! I don't have to go to school today! I think I'll go to school."
"Wait, her name is Mouth? She's a chick and her name is Mouth?"
"As in the mouth of a river."
"Like that's what I'm going to think when a woman comes up to me and says, 'Hi, my name's Mouth.'"
"And then takes off her clothes."
"After Mouth comes Magnum..."
"Mouth is very fond of Hancock."
"Okay, you spend the night trying to get rabbits to stop humping your leg."
"I guess that's not too unusual."
"For a truck to have a battle-axe?"
"Specifically, the law firm's name is Jameson, Guinness, Bailey, and Harp."
"They'd rather have the Free Council in charge because then they can have
"...Long live our corrupt dictatorship!"
"We built this city to draw mana."
[sings quietly] "We built this city on rock 'n' roll..."
"Arrogance is for winners!"
"I'm sorry, but I have to kick over your sand castle now."
"...And then the frog will kill us all and light our house on fire."
"Phenomenal cosmic power..."
"...Faaaaaaabulous living space!"
"What he's trying to say is you're about to get sent to gay deprogramming camp."
[about dedicating ritual tools] "What if you just got a ring that came
out of a gumball machine?"
"Let me just get my 25-cent ritual tool..."
"For fall, skirt lengths are shorter and hot wax is in!"
"...A crotchless pink ascot."
"I couldn't help but notice that your ascot has no crotch."
"Dude, I just got boned up the ass by my chair."
"It's like Musical Chairs with buggery."
"Or homosexual chair roulette. [sings] One of these chairs is not like the others..."
"...And they said it just like that, and then they did some interior decorating."
"There's a guy who is..."
"For all I know, I would be diarrhea-ing all over the backseat."
"That's what I thought when I heard 'gig'. I figured, yeah, Cello's gone to kill someone."
"I am servicing the frog."
"No, seriously, I think that he actually needs to go to hell."
"Well, I don't have any grand desire to go to hell..."
"Tell me there's a gazebra in one of these cages."
"Life is for licking."
"Now I have to make a character named Dick Gobbler."
"Hey, my dick isn't a funeral, it's a party."
"Speaking of little people and sex..."
"Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal financial advisor?"
"I'm looking around for my Elvis impersonator suit."
"It's right next to your Bigfoot suit. The crotchless one."
"Goddammit, Ashe, it looks like a Hot Topic exploded on this guy's house."
"...I like Hot Topic."
"Now I am a poser with magic. And a gun."
"Sarcophagus, coffin, or rack?"
"Well, I've always liked a nice rack, so I'll take that one."
"You're about to find the most diabolical washer/dryer combo that man
has ever seen."
"His dryer has fangs."
[Needs context, but whatever:]
"What is that song? It's just the song that everyone who plays a pipe organ plays."
"It's the Toccata & Fugue in D Minor by Johann Sebastian Bach."
"There's a package on your doorstep..."
"Do not open until Christmas."
"Signed, Ezekiel Sardis."
"Can we get a summary of the last session?"
"Well, you guys were railroaded - I mean, you hijacked the plot..."
"Who you gonna call?"
"In Soviet Russia, darkness attacks you!"
"Wow, my mentor's pre-digesting my food."
"I better not talk right now, I'm trying to cast a spell and drive."
"Which of these frogs looks the sexiest to you?"
"How do you know if your spirit frog is homosexual? Maybe the Internet can tell us."
"Well, hey, let's go back and get some frogs that aren't dudes."
"See Spot run. See Spot breach the Gauntlet. Die, Spot, die."
"We don't know a damn thing about the guy. We just looked up 'Dick Gobbler' on the Internet."
"I think there's a lesson in this, and it's definitely not 'With great power comes great responsibility.'"
"Don't ever try to outrun the afterburner hellhounds."
"He said something about watering the earth when within in are planted
the seeds of destruction."
"What the hell does that mean? It sounds like a Metallica song."
"I've already installed my personal god in your basement."
"P.S. I'll find my voice."
"First Violin in the closet with the candlestick."
"I'm not pimping a frog. Honest. And I'm not buying slaves either."
"We've got a plot coming up that requires your family to be Republicans."
"What, they're going to start a war and then lie about it?"
"No, I'm going to get an abortion."
"He's going to grow you a mangina so you can have assbabies."
"Faith's homebase is the crisis center."
"The crisis pregnancy center?"
"I feel like a young, Goth, James Bond. Only less English."
"Ghostbusters, we're ready to believe you."
"Uhh...this is Mulder."
"The Silver Ladder isn't about politics per se. It's about..."
"Every month, he gets a new puppy and names it Monica Lewinsky."
"You know when you roll Stamina + Politics? During a filibuster."
"We're gonna go have a tea party! On a roller coaster!"
"To Stuttgart, and its roller coaster tea parties!"
"Cronos was mostly into castration, which doesn't really say 'growth' to me."
"Magnum and Mouth are both at the meeting."
"But never the twain shall meet."
"It's like, just because you call yourself a Seer of the Throne doesn't
mean you speak for all Seers of the Throne."
"I speak for all Chronagos."
"Until next month."
"What would it be like if your ass had a tongue?"
"No more ass-lickery, all right?"
[Darth Vader voice] "Use the Teleprompter, Luke."
"Fate's a stoner."
"Okay, we've got 38 votes for guilty, 42 votes for innocent, and 5 votes for pizza."
"My die came up trout."
"Fate is easily distracted by shiny objects and just wants to get back to its bong."
"We are the kid who eats paste."
"Smoked by fate, fucked in the ass by a meeting!"
"A headsfrog. You know, a frog that decapitates other frogs."
"Dude, someday other frogs are gonna come in and depose the tyrant, and
then you'll be made to answer for your crimes."
"...Rule friggin' zero!"
"Basement-Land fuckin' sucks."
"I don't even know what 'levy the frogs' means! What am I supposed to levy?"
"You've gotta do something, like an oblatron."
"What the fuck is that, a Transformer?"
"Halibutron says take a bite."
"Please don't say 'make my fingers be the flappers' ever again."
"Why does my hand smell like nut sweat?"
"If the crack fits, smoke it!"
"Dude, that's what happened to Bigfoot. He's a mute in a fursuit and the zipper broke."
"We're totally teabagging your plot, man."
"What's teabagging? Well, when one guy pwns another guy really, really hard..."
"Please don't say 'getting it from two angles' anymore."
"Crotchless people suit!"
"Or it could be a people suit made entirely out of crotches."
"Anything called Celestial Fire is probably not going to be coincidental."
"Except in the south!"
"And here you thought this game was gonna be about magic."
"No, we thought this game was gonna be about meetings."
"So far, you've been right."
"Clearly everything I know about the spy industry comes from James Bond."
"What, we're accustomed to using the back door when it comes to sorority
"No, it's when we're dealing with frat boys."
"I don't know what your kindergarten was like..."
"But apparently it was full of closets."
"She's maybe not too churchy for one night."
"Here is the church, here is the steeple. Open the doors, see all the people."
"Do you know the question I'm gonna ask? It's really important."
"Is she hot?"
"Does your dick hang low, can you wank it to and fro?"
"Who's got Correspondence? Sorority girls in the shower! Let's find out if she's a natural redhead."
"You're on a never-ending quest to F in the A."
"I think it would be a mistake not to hit on her a little bit."
[sings] "B-E-S-P-E-K-T. Find out what it means to me."
"Find out what it means!"
"We'll find out."
"It's a good thing she doesn't have any Arcana at 5, or else she'd be a Master Beta."
"Does anybody else smoke up with Grandma?"
"It's always fun fighting a demon of small breasts."
"Looks like you won."
"So what am I going to do next?"
"You are going to suck my cock. [horrified pause] What, that's what I would have said."
"She clearly knew her way around the legal system."
"The executive branch goes into the executive suite to visit the judicial system."
"This sounds like a porno of School House Rock."
"It has lots of layers and folds..."
"Okay, okay, just...stop describing vaginas."
"Not a combat combat, you know, the kind of combat you would think of as a combat..."
[on what a Japanese combat entails] "They power up until one person is more powerful, and then everybody goes home."
"I could level accusations of ass-banditry against the both of you."
"Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Wood, Wood, Wood..."
"Look at the positioning of the trout, and how its hole is shaped..."
"Aren't we joining, like, the psycho church of squandering money?"
"I didn't mean to make boobs when I said that."
"Yes, you did!"
"Well, yes, but not with my hands."
"Morals? I had mine removed when I was nine. Too many cavities."
"Twice as large, twice as wrinkly."
"From now on, your name will be Wrinkledick."
"Once you go cold turkey, you never go back."
"Gives a whole new meaning to 'stuffing.'"
"Homosexual necrophiliac bestiality. That's a new one."
"Well, maybe for you..."
"It appears that the family pet is a furry turkey."
"You had to suck a lot of dick in your day to get to where you are."
"And that, too, is well-documented."
"Do not invoke the trout."
"I'm not afraid of the tarantula."
"Would it make you more afraid of it if it had a crown?"
"Roleplaying: most of it is porn."
"What's so artistic about bleeping in the bleep?"
"One could argue that we're still talking about furry turkeys."
"Did I just say 'sneak the snake?'"
"Your bishie quotient is high."
"For an encore, he does a couple of straw men and a slippery slope."
"He does a couple of straw men?"
"Right there on the stage in front of everyone."
"Is that a straw-way or a strawsome or..."
"Straw is not a number."
[both Erics sing] "Straw is the loneliest number that you'll ever do..."
[sings] "That's the way it became the evil brunch!"
"Bishies in disguise!"
"See, I think that 'Kwitsatz Haderach' sounds like the chorus to a foreign pop song." [This quote won the Spilled Milk Award.]
"What's the name of the restaurant, the Quickie Nooner Cafe?"
"Mandatory Bonus Spiky Buttplug."
"Nice loafers. They'd look even better on the floor next to my bed."
"I'd rather summon a demon than have sex with a guy."
"So it's an Order of Hermes teddy bear."
"When being arrested, make sure to swallow live bees first."
"The typical prisoner's walk: back against the wall with my hands covering my ass."
"I totally heard 'semen in bushes.'"
"Symphony of bugstruction."
"I got three points of Fate!"
"But only one tooth!"
"You know what an am-some is? Everybody gets in a pyramid..."
"And then they fuck the person below them."
"The Church of Plenty: Classy ho's welcome."
"Set 14-year-old to 'stalker'."
"What the hell is a lindjob?"
"It's probably a lot like a funger."
"I'm fungry for a lindjob!"
"No, Fistory is the original porn. Firstory Repeats Itself is the sequel."
"Fistory 101: The only required text is a rubber glove."
[sings] "Good Christians don't stay out that late..."
"Sraddor is surrounded by hot frogs."
"No, I'm an official citizen of Basement-Land."
"The Great Wall of Basement-Land."
[Microsoft Office Assistant voice] "It looks like you're trying to dig yourself a hole."
"Oh great, it's going to be like Spirit Idol."
"Supernal Idol, actually."
[to the gas log elemental] "With some guidance, you could learn to use matches?!"
"I'm a gentle soul."
"And that's why he has his fingers crammed into your asscrack."
[frog voice] "Eat your soul."
"What's going on?"
"He doesn't need resistance to mind control. He already does whatever they ask."
"Show us on the screen what you're doing."
"Show me on the diagram where he touched you."
"From now on, his name will be Hookdick."
"Dude, if anyone sodomized you, that is really not my issue."
"I call Ashe."
"I don't pick up."
"But your phone has three lines!"
"But it's 8 a.m.!"
"Whatever happens to you, with the naked and the anal, isn't my business."
[sings] "I can do anything..."
"Take a look, my dick's a hook. Buffalo's Unfortunate!"
"Is Plum the one who got assfucked?"
"No, that's Mr. Mustard."
"She looks sad in the back? Did she get cornholed too?"
"Two words: Tape, kielbasa."
"Zombie apocalypse on line 2."
"Mulder is picking the back door."
"I know just the person to fuck you right in the ass..."
"Is that a club now?"
"Yes. The Invade Mulder's Ass Club."
"I think all the Ghostbusters are members."
"Surprise! You're the guest of honor at an ass-fuck-a-thon."
"Mulder Does Denver."
"No, Denver does Mulder."
"The orgasmic shield: People can't hit you because they're too busy coming."
"Cornhole and Mulder."
"Sitting in a tree. F-U-C-K-I-N-G."
"Ass and you shall receive."
"I can out-stealth the Christ."
"Three of wands, seven of pentacles, Tower...throw 'em in a blender and
"With 17 vitamins and minerals!"
"Take that, Fate magic!"
"Could we say that they are, in fact, beef curtains?"
"I hope for your sake that this actually is magic."
"What other choice do I have?"
"Walk around in circles for a while and then die?"
"I can't be tabooed! I've never seen a naked boy!"
"...And then I fought the z-o-m-b-i-e-s."
"A person made up entirely of boob? Sounds like that's right up our alley."
"They taught us well: Always get paperwork, and always move with your ass to the wall."
"I have athlete's dick."
"What, you spend a lot of time rubbing your penis on locker room floors?"
"I'm sorry, your crotch is not a rainforest."
"But it's got its own water supply!"
"And as we all know, the man is keeping us down."
[makes ball-squeezing gesture]
"No, no, the man is keeping us up."
"This tea brought to you by zombie incest."
"Speaking of paternity suits, I just got off the phone with mom..."
"Big Gay Al's Big Gay Hunting Club."
"Handel's Water Music is like the soundtrack to inappropriate punching."
"You're not going to bow down to the Guardians. You're going to suck their dick."
"Pogrom is a four-letter word in the basement."
"I'm confused. How can you have a ho-bag large enough to encompass an
"Well, when your vagina is large enough to encompass an infinite number of dicks, it helps."
"...And everyone's smackin' each other with steaks. And salami."
"It's the bicycle kick of penis death!"
"Putting the salami past the beef curtains..."
"Pay no attention to the gaping, cavernous hole behind the curtains."
"Grading papers is like anal sex: You keep doing it in the hopes that someday, you'll learn to enjoy it."
"I go to work."
"You go to work."
"Get a job!"
"Your cult a splode."
"All girls look beautiful in a fursuit."
"Crotching tiger, hidden Bigfoot."
"If you leave your name and number, we'll come over and fuck you later!"
"On the penalty side, the Chrises are our peeps. On the plus side, the Ghostbusters are all murdered."
"I go to the hotel and get a big suite for everyone."
[posh maitre d' voice] "Yeeeeeeeees?"
"Wait, do I have to roleplay this?"
[posh maitre d' voice] "Not really."
"Then I guess I must not have seen what you think I saw."
"Good. Then somebody else can be her mentor. I'll take the chick with no soul."
"The hubris of drinking more than one beer at a time!"
"This could be your new hobby!"
"What, staying alive?"
"...Because Scarlet is evil and a man-sucker."
"She sucks it all out. Both ends."
"I took the guided tour of crazy! And I was guided by Satan!"
[sings] "Fuck you, I'm from Korea..."
"We have to stop the city from fucking itself to death."
"This jizz tastes like betrayal!"
"If you find an unexpected hole in your partner, do not fuck it."
"DFA: Designated fucking area."
"This guy isn't median life."
"He's a hunchback, does that count?"
"Control mean life. I can only control life if it's mean."
"Bees, poodles, and high school girls."
"Stab wounds are not for fucking."
"In Soviet Russia, grass heals you!"
"Man, I wish I had my Segway."
"Now, the first year was learning. The second year is fighting. It's like an anime."
"Okay, you find it. It was buried on page two."
"Dude, if you don't buy an ass, you can't get fucked in it."
"Speaking of a Segway, let's play the game."
"Inferno-brand evidence disposal unit!"
"I forgot he even had a gun."
"So did I, until I saw it on my character sheet."
"I think you've mixed up a vagina and a shoggoth."
"Did you just say 'Violate my Fate hole?'"
"I guess that's better than 'Violate my Death hole.'"
"Spirits don't go in the Spirit hole."
"Is that a soul in your pocket, or does your wang just glow like that naturally?"
"It's a domesticated pygmy bear!"
"Mulder, lord of the jungle!"
"Wow, I sure hope nobody saw me tear that gaping hole in reality."
"We should all have a tag line. Mulder's is 'Because I can.' Mine is 'Because
it's not fair.' What's Ptoncia's?"
"'Because I don't know what else to do.'"
"I may have to break out a Prime bolt."
[sings] "Anything you can do, I can make vulgar..."
"No, it's one for your Vice, full for your Virtue."
"I thought it was the other way around."
"...That would make for a much darker game."
"No, not my ass virginity!"
"He lost that already when he moved to Buffalo."
"We're our own Path cocks."
"Let's see, is there anything else that Mulder needs to do?"
"Get a life!"
"I don't need a life. I have a girlfriend with huge tits."
"I make dead people."
"I said urine, not semen."
"No, there was urine in every other tank. There was semen in every tank."
"That's what makes the engine go!"
"The Church of Holy Stuttgart."
"I'm going to have a hard time from now on separating Catholicism and goose-fucking in my mind."
"He got a demerit for leaving the goose alone."
"They're playing Duck Duck Goose."
"Goose stays after class."
"Satanism and the goose-fuckers who perpetuate it."
[sings] "Then fuck the goose with your left hand."
"When in Buffalo, do as the buffalo do."
"And fuck a goose?"
"Take some fatting damage."
"We tell the tourists that it's hydroelectric, but really it might be just some guy wanking."
"What's going on?"
"I wonder if apprentices count as median life."
"My mage wang has stiffened?"
"So that's why you wear a kilt. So the kilt store owner won't PK you."
"It's Sraddor's basement now?"
"My Coca-Cola shower disagrees."
"When you get above Gnosis 6, everyone's password is 'god.'"
"I would guess that Washington found a way to cross the Abyss. Fight the
"Kill his sensei in a duel."
"Let's go shit on their grave."
"Looks like we've got a meeting. And we're late already."
"So which is it? 'Fuck yeah' or 'maybe?'"
"Well, yeah maybe fuck yeah there's a crisis."
"Hell if I can see the Super Bowl, but we know the world is going to end someday."
"The new World of Darkness is like the Hermetics bred like rabbits."
"And then licked some batteries."
"We're the SBD Police. We liken ourselves to juicy farts."
"We are the hair-bringers of death."
"I will make a wig out of my chest hair."
"She probably thought you were interdimensional rapists."
"That sounds like the title of a hentai."
"Marco, you have ruined porn forever."
"I didn't go through seven years of purple medical school to be called mister."
[still talking about purple medical school] "No, it's a medical school where the dean of medicine is Prince."
"I wonder what the Clued are like in Madrid. They're probably all smoking and peeing on walls."
"...And then somebody jizzes rainbows and everyone beats him up."
"No, that's the one who has to eat it."
"Tell you what, Eric. You try existing on a steady diet of your own sperm and tell us how that works out for you."
"And meanwhile, in splitscreen, there's another Mulder with an evil twin goatee..."
"Wow, that was easy. I didn't get fucked in the ass one time!"
"...Because as we soon found out, the building inspectors have their own gods to appease."
"The snakes in Spain fly mainly on a plane."
"It's like we have carte blanche. Don't ask, don't tell."
"...That's not what carte blanche means."
"The Boob Fairy? Is that where you cut off a boob and put it under your pillow?"
"Eww, it's all covered in Fate."
"I'm like a chiropractor for your destiny."
"Just aligning some stars here..."
"Loch Ness Monster's grandpa also sighted."
"Does anybody else live in your closet?"
"I live in my closet."
"Mustard lives in your closet."
"You don't think that was a coincidence?"
"Hot chicks, hot cars, legal problems: Buffalo's Unfortunate."
"I give my plants eyes so they can watch for frogs."
"For us, plot is like Morrowind: Totally optional and you can kill all the NPCs."
"Your game cannot be completed as dialed."
"Bat Boy finds man-love."
"Bat Boy finds man-love with his grandpa?"
"Where am I? Where am I? Oh, I'm up your butt!"
"You don't wanna use Destiny to pick up chicks. That's how you get icepicked."
"His name is Barrel In The Peter?"
"He put his dick in the bunghole?"
"Before I die, I'm going to seal my asshole with Life magic."
"Well, they weren't like elaborate fuck-me-in-the-ass backgrounds."
"It's a lubricated wishing well!"
"Okay, there's the Roomba and the furry turkey."
"Are you just trying to collect all the derangements?"
"Gotta catch 'em all!"
"I've got fucking laryngitis. I talk like Megatron."
"The pool is actually a toilet, and if he makes us mad, we flush it."
"Yeah, Sam's hot, but I picture her with an icepick in her hand."
"She was born with it."
"You wake up next to a 90-year-old nun."
[sings] "Nun nun NUN!"
"It could be sex education."
"Lesson one: The final lesson."
"See, last week, when I said that Bat Boy finds man-love, it was wrong. He was really just being used for his body."
"The poodle tastes like Snausages!"
[sings] "Poodle goose, poodle goose, it's not your fault..."
"Now you know what you're eating, and not knowing is half the battle."
"I had sex with a girl who turned into a goose and then became breakfast."
"You should've eaten her. It would've been all Biblical and shit."
"You levied the fuck out of those frogs."
"Is that digging? What the fuck are they digging? I hope it's a mass grave."
"Well...that's probably what it will become eventually."
"I made you fuck a goose, though, and that's all that matters."
"It's not the poop that you have to worry about."
"It's the tentacles in the poop."
[sings] "I've got a lovely bunch of diagogonuts, deedle-dee-dee. Here they are a-swimming in the poo."
"I'm so vulgar. I'm such a bad boy. I need to be punished."
"That's not vulgar, it's just creepy."
"It's a poop hive?"
[sings] "Spirit magic, you're the one..."
"Gonna scourge me just for fun..."
"Where's your sense of adventure?"
"In the bottle with Mary-Sue."
"Fuck probability, I'm a Time mage!"
"You know what the funniest thing about this is? If we do nothing, the metaplot will die."
"Ashe, I see that if you go in there, Jameson is there, and he kneels
down and starts kissing your hand."
"Yay, mommy got me coal for Christmas! No, honey, it's not coal, it's abyssal Tass!"
"...dragon poop collecting patrol..."
"In Soviet Russia, news reports you!"
"Your mop came back. It's got, like, dragon funk on it."
"...Garbage disposals do not go into the basement."
"What do you think a garbage disposal is? A hole in the floor?"
"Well, this is fucking ominous."
"Better than ominous fucking. (pelvic thrusts) Dun dun DUN!"
"We'll know how to find you by the smell of your decaying corpse."
"I don't think there's anything Biblical about sticking your head up somebody's butt."
"Love nature, fuck a tree?"
"Tap the sap!"
"Eric, only you could make maple syrup farming into some sort of sexual nightmare."
"I like to taste the children."
"I'm going to summon up the spirit of American electrical consumption."
"You go stick a flashlight up your ass."
"I don't need to. I have a girlfriend who does that stuff for me."
"Is the tree lying?"
"...That's one you don't hear very often."
"Just because you can't hear the tree doesn't mean it isn't still lusting after you."
"Dude, I don't know. Maybe all trees are gay."
"On the bright side, when you wake up, all your clocks and appliances
are flashing 12:00."
"Twelve o'clock flasher! Twelve o'clock flasher!"
"Does that mean there's a flasher right in front of you?"
"I'm not going through puberty again."
"You're not done yet."
"One of the skeletons winks at you."
"I'm not going to tip these strippers with my teeth."
"In the meantime, you guys are watching pole-dancing skeletons."
(about Lingaj) "He's a fucker. You don't want him to be free."
"I think Mulder will probably garbage-disposal any spies."
"Nothing worse than a dirty anal probe."
"I'm like a trouble piñata. You hit me and it all comes flying out."
"What do rectal exams have to do with the Fourth of July?"
"Dude, down there it's like frog Rwanda. It's like frog Nazi Germany."
"One of the things on this list is Urza's Gas."
"That's what happens after you eat Urza's Beans."
"Well, he's the fighter of the group."
"Which means I should clearly be abandoned to my fate."
"Can you like imagine smoking someone's finger?"
"What are you doing?"
"Okay, I guess that's better than exsanguination."
"He was swimming in poop, I've decided."
"If you would be a cocaine mule, that would be great."
"...And that's why we're building a frog murder machine."
"...And then fate comes in and goes wha-BAM-o!"
"Big money, no wha-bam-o!"
"How serious are we about a frog death machine?"
"No, there's a rote for Create Frog Death Contraption. Didn't you know?"
"I'm gonna go play Mind games with my girlfriend."
"Hey, come over here and roll your Morality."
"Will you push this button not knowing what it does? Now will you push it again? Will you push it again for a Klondike bar?"
"1 2 3 4, I declare a summon war."
"So. Crotchless Bigfoot Suit."
"CBS for short."
"Killing you makes me so horny!"
"I just figured out how I can catch them all!"
"I've come out of the closet and am now signing autographs."
"Yeah, there was an outpouring of fan support when you came out of the closet."
[sings to the tune of "Pussy Control"] "Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, pussy
[sings to the tune of "Chinese Ninja Warrior"] "With your heart so cold!"
"There's so many good derangements."
"Gotta catch 'em all!"
"I wonder why Hancock is willing to sacrifice his own people. I mean,
I understand the moral implications of it..."
"I understand them clinically, but..."
"Who's White again?"
"The Clued that didn't clue."
"Anything you need me to do?"
"Shut your Fate hole."
"Mulder, what the hell is your problem?"
"Well, maybe I'll be extra-relevant the next time I'm on the shitter."
"I forgot what I was going to say so I just said 'forty goddamn dicks' instead."
"So as we're in the bar bathroom shitting all over the place, we're talking about our plans."
"Zombie ownage. Zombownage."
"Then again, Lamer11 could probably tell us flamewar stories?"
"I was in the shit back on Usenet."
"I was there the first time someone called somebody a Nazi on the Internet."
"That's when I was born."
"So you were doing Trogdor, he was doing the Terminator, and I was doing a Dalek. Right there in front of everybody."
"Can you just take my dick and rub it against a television?"
"No, Ground Zero for Republicans would be the White House this term."
"The cameras are always rolling, especially when we're on the shitter."
"Brunelleschi, I choose you to wipe my ass!"
"It involved a chili dog and buggery."
"Not unlike tonight's session."
"We're going to name all of our chimeras after the first words they speak! Uh, why do you have so many pets named Kill Me?"
"I don't know if that's an insult."
"Looks like I failed. Come on, ass!"
"Somebody called me up last night and got really gay..."
"I should sabotage your mask so you can only be a little girl."
"Remember, if it's a kid, it's a cop."
"Jameson's tent has plenty of beer. It has, like, three different flavors."
"Do they have grape?"
"So bored that I'm affixing this potato chip clip to my nipple."
"Is the ice sculpture of a screaming person?"
"No, a screaming George Washington."
"Ow, my dicks!"
"Is that the graveyard that Jesus came out of?"
[talking about Republican politicians]
"Can I overhear what they're talking about?"
"You're a black guy, they don't let you in."
"THE CAKE IS A LIE!...I've been waiting like 10 minutes to say that."
"No, a tree is going to pop out of it wearing nothing but some strategically placed pinecones. Birch!"
"By the way, it's harder than you would think to render 'Let's Get It On' in bee buzzing."
"Jameson cuts into the cake without it exploding."
"...That kinda sucks."
"We go into the Porta-Potty."
"Stretching it. Goatse portal."
"He gets hit with a flaming slice of cake..."
"Cake shrapnel? Cakenel?"
"It's a fat shark with a toupee."
"You might want to watch out for the frogolution."
"It's the Frogolutionary War now."
"Yeah, so, about that bomb..."
"Dude, now I smell like lizard for nothing."
"...And then I was pissing his Resonance into their faces."
"She's trying to dual-boot with Windows Vista on one partition and Linux
on the other."
"That's like two small children trying to sit in the same chair."
"I'm not sharing a bed with these guys."
"That would either be really creepy or really illegal or both."
"Transformers. Fuck you in disguise."
"Scarlet is kind of the tool whisperer."
"You're a tool whisperer."
"See, that's the thing. The assholes are always in charge."
"Killing your doppelganger is probably a rank 9 Self check."
"But if you hate yourself it's only a 5."
"Those douchebags up and died and that made our life a whole lot easier."
"They're connected on the level that having a connection to your hair is not."
"I just had the idears."
"Sounds like a disease."
"Maybe your mom has some kind of incubation."
"Like a baby?"
"You see this? This is my not caring face."
"Mind 4/Life 4 really gives the shits."
"Guess what? I don't give a shit."
"Hey guys, hide your Whites."
"I wouldn't put it past Mulder to grow an extra-long tongue just so he could stick it up somebody's butt."
"What if he turns you into a rabbit and then has sex with you at night?"
"Does the word 'frogolution' mean anything to you?"
"How about the word 'frolocaust?'"
"When spirits decide that something is their job, they don't stop. And this one's job is to fuck rabbits."
"What's the bunny version of 'Eat your soul?'"
"Mnaaaaah...eat your soul, doc."
"I'm hitting a lot of girls today!"
"Ban me once, shame on you. Ban me twice, shame on me."
"Bunny nut shot time."
"Somebody's nibbling on my nipple, but your call totally matters."
"Spirits clean up after themselves, even when they're in you."
"I got magic to fix those weak women and their problems."
"They're all covered in tasty hubris."
"We can end the game as a free action by dropping our spell. It's like conceding in Magic."
"I don't think you wanna wear that thing anymore. It's got blood all up in its crotchless."
"No, it's not like shooting your siblings. It's like, your siblings are trying to take over the world. Are you in?"
"Well, I trust him, but I don't know him. Washington was a good leader. [pause] He'll save children, but not the British children."
"I don't trust him but I think we should bring him anyway."
"To keep our options open."
"So if we need to stab somebody, he's there."
"I don't think that counts as a sacrifice."
"Going to Canada is kind of like going into the Abyss, right?"
"So, we should fake the moon landing?"
"You're going to have to do like a Thelma and Louise car chase."
"Yeah, I'm not cross-dressing again."
"We'll call this rote Make Rocket Go."
"So really it's three stages: car engine, jet engine, rocket engine."
"Yeah, the Matter mage is going to do your laundry for you."
"Where did you get this furniture?"
"From a gentleman having a garage sale."
"Whose was it, Jeffrey Dahmer's?"
"No, I couldn't get my hands on any of his."
"I'm gonna go leave a nameless gift on her lawn."
[after rolling 10 successes on a Drive roll] "I don't think there's any way I didn't just blast a car into orbit."
"So instead of Knight Rider it will be Ghost Rider."
"Tell him his mother was a snowblower!"
"Go, beaver truck! Restrain that foul demon!"
"Do you have the time to whoop that beaver?"
"I want to try the 'assimilate' function."
"Roll your Morality."
"So is a vagina-shaped shoggoth a shaggoth?"
"Sorry, I'm envisioning what a beaver dump truck would look like..."
"Can we just start burrowing to the center of the earth from here? [cracking up] I can't believe I just had to say that."
"What's the Necronomicon?"
"It's kind of like a harmonica."
"We did have a space car, it was just not really spaceworthy."
[scoffs] "Space wasn't worthy of it."
"The map is a little out of date."
"We're a little out of date."
"How do we need to roll Morality for running over Hitler?"
"What's Hitler's Resistance, Z?"
"While he's sucking on Hitler, I'm gonna pee."
"You ran over Hitler and sucked his soul out, and then you lost Morality for it. I can't imagine why."
"That was a really bad idea, guys. We're totally never running over Hitler again."
"Ward his asshole with a wood ward!"
"You all see a large tree with breasts."
"Why does everything in your watchtower land want to cornhole us?"
"You tell me, you're running this scene."
"They don't exactly say 'hung like a human,' you know."
"Did you just say 'Don't knock it until you've dryad?'"
"I go first so I don't have to look at anybody's dong."
"If there was one thing that Hitler fuckin' loved, it was Russia."
"My first action is to dodge elephants. My second action is to fight fires."
"I don't think there's a shield against 'I jumped in front of a falling elephant.'"
"DONKEY TRAIN! It makes perfect sense."
The Characters and Players (Cabal name Buffalo's Unfortunate, order Guardians
of the Veil):
Bill Blair (Mulder), a tabloid reporter. His Path is called Chronagos and focuses on Life and Time. Played by Eric O.
Justin DeFazio (Ptoncia), a mechanic and occasional petty criminal. His Path is called Stramna and focuses on Fate and Matter. Played by Beth.
Samson Jacobson, Jr. (Ashe Kyram), an angry goth high school student. His Path is called Styrsoros and focuses on Space and Spirit. Played by Noel.
ST: Eric Z.