"You definitely don’t want a girlfriend who thinks she’s God."
" I dunno, man. It’d be pretty sweet if your girlfriend was God."
"So you were saved by Sailor Moon and her buddies?"
"…And then Sailor Moon takes a hit off her joint and, like, just starts knifing this guy."
"Oh, how sweet. It’s darkness."
“Dude, if the Master Chief is in the game, you should never have named your mentor Johnny. That’s just asking for him to get punched in the back of the head and killed for ammunition.”
"How was South America?"
"It was good. They thought I was Jesus."
"Jesus never needed day-care."
"He was day-care! Day-care for the world!"
"I botch. I buy an anti-guitar."
"Jesus wants a necklace!"
"Jesus the klepto!"
[Nester, about Lafayette speaking French.]
"Um…I’m pretty sure those aren’t words."
"It’s a Christian variant on the Jedi mind trick?"
"Jesus says, give me a cookie."
“You see, when two astral bowling balls love each other very much, you get a crazy Frenchman.”
[Maggie, about Lafayette.]
“He’s either from Canada, France, or outer space. I’m not sure which yet.”
"You’re dating Nester whether you want to or not. And you’re also Jesus."
"Great, so I’m dating Jesus."
“Wait. So the nun is suspicious and that guy is Jesus?”
“Dude. You could play Halo with the Master Chief.”
"I wonder if Jesus likes firearms."
"If Jesus wants to pass the Master Chief’s test, Jesus needs to."
"You’d better not mean that your child molester NPC wants to boink me."
"Dude, he’s not the one stealing young boys away to small, dark pockets in the Umbra."
“So the 13-year-old drug dealers are friends of God?”
"So is there really a such thing as, like, Covenant, and Flood, and all
[the Master Chief says] "No, it’s just a video game."
“I want tentacles! I need them!”
"Jesus wakes up…takes a crap…"
“We should call home. That way our parents don’t, like, think we died or anything. My mom’s kinda worried about that.”
"They said they were looking for someone called the Master Chief."
"I don’t think he’s gonna be back for awhile."
"He got killed. He’s waiting to respawn."
“Well, it’s not my fault people told me I was a god.”
“Maybe you like having little kids’ hands shoved up inside you, Maggie, but I sure don’t.”
“I think the correct response here is, ‘Aah! Get it off me!’”
“Dude, you should totally wave your arms over your head as you run away. Maybe if you do, the Master Chief will get a point of Quintessence.”
“The little fat kid’s all oily and stuff.”
[Gabriella, to the pot-smoking Cultists.]
“You smell like Colombia.”
"Is there a computer around here?"
"Are you going to do what I think you’re going to do?"
"Yes. I’m going to play Diablo.”
"Hee hee hee! Sweet! I go to the armory."
"Wow. Better watch out for those invisible Flood."
"I pick up a pistol and an assault rifle."
"Do they have any plasma weapons?"
"No, you have to pick those up along the way."
“It sucks being a blind marine.”
“She may be ungodly, but that doesn’t mean we should shoot her!”
“I look at Lafayette and think, ‘Hmm. God doesn’t like him right now.’”
“From now on, I pee before all missions.”
“Okay. Lafayette, you’re still rubbing your bones?”
“Wow, it sure is good you got an adult to do all of that complicated button-pressing.”
“Welcome back, sir. You didn’t miss too much, except for scary mountain men wanting to have orgies with scientists.”
“Banking on the hope that there’s no problem in this room that can’t be fixed with heavy weapons, I take out my assault rifle.”
“Saria: hamster of the gods.”
“…And Jesus’s parents do not care.”
"What are your parents’ names, Gabriella?"
"God the Father and the Holy Spirit."
“Food: tastes great, less filling.”
"Tikiman thinks Kevin Wilson is a dirty liar."
"Tikiman talks like a pro wrestler!"
“Tikiman no like Kevin Wilson foolin’ around with the white woman.”
“Do you smell what Tikiman is cooking?”
“Great. Now look. Now you got a Technocratic white woman in yo’ house.”
“See, that’s how you’re one step better than Jesus. You’re, like, Jesus 2.0.”
“Yeah, I’m sure they’re gonna buy that. ‘No, really! The 10-year-old molested
"'He was asking for it! Did you see the clothes he was wearing?'"
“Go back to sleep, kids. Mommy and invisible daddy are making shadow puppets in the living room.”
“The ghost was in your head and it was sucking your brains, man. I shit you not.”
“The Ascension broke my home.”
“I think somebody needs to start a reality insurance company. I want my old reality back.”
“You guys are the best bad influences ever!”
“…And I’m smelling these things and I’m thinking, ‘Man, I really wanna put something in my mouth right about now.’”
“Jesus don’t need no stinkin’ hot tub.”
“I guess it’s time to consult the authorities on this one. I take out Donkey Kong.”
“Heh. Soak Nester.”
“Now, can we please just go see if my parents are dead?”
“What? I’m just being practical for once in my fucking life. Quit looking at me like I just fucking killed your baby.”
“I’m going to go fix myself something to eat. I’ve never done that before.”
“Okay, don’t read anything into this, but Diane found bodies.”
"Maggie? How can you not read into that?"
“Okay. I found some information, but now you gotta make a choice. Either I can tell you when you’re a teenager, and you’ll always hate me, or I can tell you now, and you’ll be messed up for the rest of your life.”
“Could you be my sister for a second? Thanks.”
“I’m thinking, pain didn’t work, so now it’s time to break out the sex magic.”
“What kind of fucking vigilante are you?”
"Um…the homeless kind?”
“I’m going to be amazed by the graphics that are the Oregon Trail.”
“Lesbian incest: it rules.”
“Maggie is so naked, you can hear it.”
"Yeah, that’s all you need down here…an aroused caveman."
"I should just kill him and bury him in the backyard."
"That’s not what a Euthanatos would do to a caveman, dude."
"Meh. I’m sure I could excuse it with something."
"2 out of 7 countries thus far have proclaimed me as a god. I mean, continents.”
“Look! It’s a big hairy man in a blue shirt and sweatpants! And he’s taking a shit on our front lawn!”
“And now, singing ‘Highway to Hell’…the Jesus twins!”
“No, really. It’s a long-held custom of my family members to save our vomit.”
“Sweet! I know how to deal with squirrels: a fusion pistol.”
“Ooh…I get to watch your data stream.”
“I don’t know! I’m one big ball of hurt!”
“What I need you to do is go up there and pretend to be bereaved. I mean, we are extremely bereaved, but…”
“Wow. You’ve got some great vomit.”
"This is Dr. Abdul-Muhyi Carlson…"
"Carlson again? Fuck you, Iain."
"What? I ran out of good last names."
"Apparently, Jesus now has tentacles."
"But I’m an octopus monster of God!"
"Eew! Maybe I don’t want to go into his pocket."
"God is love. Love is blind. Rebecca is blind. Therefore, Rebecca is
"I think your logic is broken. Or maybe your brain."
“I’m not a dirty Dreamspeaker. You’re just an annoying Chorister.”
"Quiet, or I’ll make Lafayette put you in his pocket."
"Hey, Nester? Where did your vomit tree go? Did the squirrels eat it?"
"Hey, I've seen movies. I know what's up here."
"Let's feed peyote to the Christ child!"
"...In which case if I recognized them, I would fucking take out my Glop, I mean Glock, and fucking put a cap in their asses."
"Hey! I am two nearly 13-year-old girls whose parents have been beheaded. I can be difficult right now if I want to."
"I want Jesus to pop my cherry!"
"Your birthday, huh? So how old are you girls now?"
"God, can you turn off the faucet on this Node?"
"Bless me, Father, for I have Paradox."
"[A giant murderous bird] is just God's creation. Gone horribly, horribly wrong."
"Our mantra has now become, 'We'll just dig the Technocratic implants out later.'"
"Fine then! So we've been carjacked by Michael Clarke Duncan!"
"You have broken Random Technocratic Rule Number A."
"His badge says 'Detective Munchkin?'"
"It was an uncontrolled act of psychology."
"I go into the kitchen and make bombs. I mean, breakfast."
"It's acid. You should try some."
"No, thanks. I've got mirrors."
"What the hell are you guys doing?"
"We're setting the snake on fire!"
"Dude! It's eating me!"
"Well, if we start burning its tail, maybe it will let go of you."
"Or maybe it will swallow me because it decides it wants a last meal!"
"My sister and I are knifed. We are devengers."
"Heh. Eat my toaster."
"Cleaning up the dead vampires is pretty easy if you use a vacuum..."
"Using your remote-controlled...um...Insecticle..."
"Feed me two stray twin God children."
"Dear Diary...today I felt like I was only 70% charged."
"I'm looking for a file titled, 'Why We Are Screwing You Over, by Us.'"
"It's the big drawer of plot revealing! Take it! Take it now!"
"Insecticle strikes again!"
"Roll your Perception plus Alertness, difficulty NO."
"Well, do you just have a 3-year-old handy that you're sticking this into?"
"How can we help you today? Do you need your lollipops blessed?"
"Oh no. Jailbait Jesus children."
"They go out and buy some Lolita-brand bathing suits..."
"Well, I'll have to make sure I don't step on your feet then, because I'm wearing spurs."
"Jesus shows no mercy!"
"Roll Dex plus Burning The Heretics."
"Are you sure you don't have anyone here who is a..."
"Wait a minute, did you just say the bush is full of back hair?"
"Is this going to be another thing like the fingerprint thing where you look at it and say, yep, it's definitely hair?"
"Eve, you puke all over the table."
"But there's nothing in my stomach!"
"You puke up motor oil!"
"She just puked up the T-1000!"
"That's a lot of blood during sex."
"I don't understand it, man. I guess that now having sex makes you pop out with stigmata."
"Who wants to go clubbing?"
"What are we going to hit?"
"ANDROIDS DEMAND PENIS!"
[Diane tries to teach Eve how to dance.]
"Now just let the music in. It should be pretty natural..."
[snort] "She does the Robot naturally."
"He's a real goth, you know. He was born in darkness."
"Hi, I'm Tiff. What's your name?"
"I am Galstaff, sorcerer of light!"
"You feel a chill run down your sides and terminate in your groin."
"Lafayette? What's wrong?"
"Um...I felt something. It passed."
"I look at you and I'm completely enthralled."
"I bet you say that to all of the androids you meet."
"She's going to attempt to have sex with you now. Is that okay with you?"
"Ooh. The lovers do hookah and a great bird of fire springs forth."
"...And by herbs I apparently mean LSD."
"You guys are evil Jesus."
"I don't know. Are you guys tear-away-from-video-games-able?"
"Wow, Beth. That was Marco cool."
"My sexuality is confusing me. I'm attracted to goat-men and not to beautiful women."
"Lafayette is almost 300 years old and he'd never had sex before?!"
"I live alone! In space!"
"A man built your vagina. You can't be a virgin."
"Well he may have had to use Life magic to jump-start your uterus..."
"Memorizing stuff for that long is always kind of mind-numbing, even if it is something as interesting as the Bible."
"Do you think Eve really has a blood type?"
"You're in trouble now! You're flirting with him with, like, whatchamawhoozits!"
"OCJ: Obsessive-Compulsive Jesus."
"Oh, it's that guy. Eve likes to pull his encyclopedias."
"According to the Gospel of Balychynus, Jesus was most definitely a man-slut."
"Well, we don't need to blow anything up yet, since we don't know what the Lyssis Cosmetics plant is yet. Or if we have to blow it up. Or if we have to blow it up. Or if we have to blow it up."
"He trades me meat for ice cream, and I'm too scared to say no!"
[Making fun of Gabriella's efforts to pick up boys.]
"Hi, I'm Jesus. Worship me!"
"The whole building starts dancing?!"
"It's Baba Yaga's nightclub!"
"So this is song number two. Are you still trying to attract guys, Jesus?"
"Just FYI, Cho, this is vulgar without witnesses."
"Well, so is he."
"So when he has sex, he screams his own name?"
"Did you just say you want to lick that guy clean?"
"Wow, I didn't know that White Wolf ever made a Nephandi character sheet."
"Ah yes. Nephandus: The Destruction."
"Diane understands human psychology very well."
"Also, she cut off his dick."
"They're obviously going to end up with Jesus in a celestial menage a trois."
"Suitcase 2, Technocracy 0."
"Her swimsuit could have a little lifeguard symbol on it and say, 'Jesus Saves.'"
"If I had my computer, I'd flip you off."
"Hey! Dwarfs need tender loving buttsex too!"
"It's the first ever gay strip club in an astral bowling ball!"
"You see, when a man loves another man very much..."
"God is against it."
"Mark my words. Hell will be full of vampires and gay people."
"If it's male, it's good enough!"
"Hey! Male or female! I didn't specify!"
"I hate all of you. I hate you more, because you have a lot of NPCs. And you too, because you have a brother."
"I smell hormones! This way!"
"I want to stay a holy virgin! I just want to have fun!"
"Six hours?! I can't die in six hours! I have way too much shit that I
still need to do!"
"Then maybe you should work on that."
"...And Eve discovers the wonders of pooing."
"Well, you didn't get her last name. It was probably, like, Tiff Dreadful."
[Gabriella describes the Cabal of Good Intentions to her crush.]
"It's an interesting family. It's kind of a bunch of people together like yeah."
"When is it gonna be, like, stuff day?"
"We share everything, including our vagina!"
"So Nikki wants to have phone sex with the Master Chief?"
"I'm taking off my power armor..."
"This guy's Shadow has got to be happier than a pig in shit right now."
"She's going to get her Avatar its first kiss in over 3,000 years of existence."
"Are you drunk? I'm gonna tell Jesus!"
"This is the worst lie ever."
"You told them I was new at this when I have the name of the movie studio tattooed on my arm!"
"Elisa looks like she's..."
"It looks like OK Cola...which once again is something that existed before your time."
"He's my Gary Magdalene!"
"I've been rolling the Staminas here in this boat."
"No, really, Maggie's not so bad. She hasn't killed anybody yet. On purpose, that is."
"Wow. The fact that he was wearing swim trunks the whole time adds a whole new dimension of ick to what just happened."
"So the door goes squeeeeeeeelllllllo Maggie."
"I want to wach Office Space. I also want to watch The Nightmare Before
"Because those two movies have so much to do with each other."
"Yes, because I went shopping."
"Don't take this the wrong way, but I need you to get in the shower and
take off all of your clothes."
"Ah, I've been here before with other members of this cabal."
"I know you're kind of a loosey-lou when it comes to drinking..."
"She pulls out katanas and kills people."
"They're going to go have dirty robot-Avatar sex."
"Once a Cultist, always a Cultist! Well, also, once killing a lot of people, always killing a lot of people, I suppose."
"Quick, the RA's coming! Hide the foci!"
"Aren't there any outlets in your dark place?"
"Well, maybe if you could get an extension cord from, like, NSP to the Umbra..."
"Hey, Maggie? I mean, Beth? Tell Tony..."
"Hey, Andy? I mean, Cho? I mean, Andy? I mean, Iain?"
"We've got more spirit here than you can stake a shick at."
"I'm very suspicious of anyone who wants to know anything about Kevin Wilson who isn't me."
"...But I do want to know all the dirt you can find about Sister Charity, because I think she's a backstabbing ho."
"Well, it's my opinion that we've spent this entire week being magic's prison bitch, so I vote that we should do this the old-fashioned way."
"My monocle is pretty shitty."
"I am like the deer. You cannot see me."
"Oh no! How are we going to get out of this?"
"I could throw a rock at her and see if I can get her to chase me."
[shrugs] "You're the Master."
"Something smells like horrible ass in this corner, and it's totally not
"It's my farting!"
"Mirror, mirror, in the forest..."
"Tell us how to fuck up the Celestial Chorus."
"I am the essence of food poisoning."
"I'm blind! I can't talk to fungus!"
"So he was wearing vinyl board shorts?"
"Either we're going to need a ride to the mall, or we're going to need
"Why can't you just do the loaves and fishes thing?"
"What? Break a Micro Machine in half and make two taxis?"
"Iain, can I buy a growth spurt?"
"I don't know exactly how water will work. And by work I mean ruin things."
"One person's being authoritative, and the other one's being a Cultist. Not a good combo."
"Oh, dance floor. You're not creepy, dance floor."
"I suffocate in my own skin!"
"I am da master of da wang."
"I believe that Maggie tried to make a connection with Master Wang once.
There was some sort of miscommunication, and it didn't work out."
"Oh, that's right. She stepped in his Zen garden."
"Hey, Rebecca, feel my skin. I had an accident in a dark place."
"Maggie's Supervirus 1, Evil Lighting Dude -1."
"Does he have a golden rod?"
"I intend not to find out!"
"Your savior smells like vomit!"
"Yes, he was extremely active before his conception."
"She's usually there 50 percent of the time."
"In other words, is there a Tradition singles night we can go to?"
"Easy-Bake Master Chief."
"Perhaps you could find some other cabals in the area and aid them in
"Go play outside!"
"So all of the Masters are either sucky or condescending? Great set of NPCs, Iain."
"June 22: Drink virgin blood."
"And in case you're hungry and like explosions..."
"Maybe someday my Jeep will come back. But the universe ate it, so I don't have high hopes."
"Wal-Mart is evil, but unfortunately convenient."
"Happy Fourth of July! We bring death and questions!"
"Steve, this is Caly, Rebecca's player...I'm calling on her behalf..."
"Are you feeling happy? Let me rub my ball on you!"
"Wait, you guys, Skipper with a bag of poo. I think you're looking at the good options right now."
"I offer some beer and hamburgers to the cult of death."
"They're never happy unless they're being persecuted."
"Sounds like the Hollow Ones have a Jesus complex, too."
"We shouldn't tell anyone, or else Maggie will want to go do something all...stupid."
"It sure is a good thing I carry soil with me at all times."
[Discussing the purpose and usefulness of alcohol in the original Deus Ex.]
"It heals you!"
"But you're an alcoholic!"
"But you're a cyborg!"
"An alcoholic cyborg!"
"And then, I write down some Navajo..."
"Oops, there goes my skin again."
"What's his name?"
"How the hell do I spell that?"
"Why do you need to know who owns this car?"
"Because it's been sitting in our driveway."
"What's wrong, kid?"
"They're under the Humm-Vee."
"Well, it looks like Miss Crystal Shaniqua is gonna have to pay up some money."
"I start laughing 'cause the big moth has dandruff."
"Does anybody else find it really fucked up that the Master Chief was created on Valentine's Day?"
"What files did we get this time?"
"Wang and the Master Chief."
"Sounds kinda like a porno."
"That Nikki would really like to watch."
"Looks like your typical urine?"
"So did you manage to pee?"
"I got a trickle!"
"Wits + Medicine to pee in a cup?"
"What's the movie that we were all in called, again?"
"Cliff Bracer's Big Seaside Adventure!"
"Um...no. It's called...um...El Fuego Terrifico."
"Cliff Bracer is a great action star."
"I met his son. He was an ass."
"You're just saying that because he wouldn't sleep with you."
"Or your Avatar."
"It's a 1-point flaw. Cliff Bracer Fan. Minus one to any rolls made against people who've seen movies."
"What? The gant and the asshopper?"
"The building next to mine almost blew up last night."
"Really? That's strange. Because it wasn't me. Or my friend over here with the crowbar."
"Well, we look at all of the Cliff Bracer toys and think about how much we never said goodbye to our boyfriends."
"Yeah, instead of saying goodbye to him you were trying to figure out how to murder somebody in his sleep."
"Do you guys want to go see Sixteen and a Half? It's that new movie starring...um...Zoe. Lush...ten...teen. Zoe Lushtenteen. She's the latest teen sensation that Disney popped out."
"You guys, I just realized that I'm in the men's bathroom looking for Master John Wang."
"I'm working magic! Magic in my pants!"
"Most of the DVDs he has laid out have Cliff Bracer shirtless or semi-shirtless
on the front cover."
"I'm beginning to wonder about this encyclopedia guy."
"I don't know, but all I heard were the words 'love sausage.'"
"Take 3 lethal from reading the synopsis."
"...Including the new promotional Cliff Bracer Choc-A-Mundo."
"I don't know, man. I feel kind of bad about stealing your line."
"What? Does not compute?"
"Shut up. I'm drunk and full of paradox."
"Yeah, Jesus is a dick sometimes."
"We can look for spiritual in a tree too."
"I'm sorry, sir, but my robot friend just exploded on your car."
"Jesus is now two cats."
"He's looking pretty good for a big blue monster."
"I always imagine Eve as being like a unicorn."
"What, you mean that only virgins can interact with her?"
"Or that she's big, white, and horny?"
"Look at my erection! It reaches my chin! I can pick my nose with it!"
"And then, um, I don't know how to say it...'I hope that I am pregnant now.'"
"This is like the Deus Ex of tabletop RPGs."
"There's a point A and a point B, and in between you can get all the drugs and kill all the people you want."
"...And for the next few pages he's calling them, like, backstabbing team-killing fucktards in high Enochian."
"...And, in conclusion, the world is a fluffy bunny."
"I don't want to go to the Catholic church. I'm not Catholic. Can't we
find a non-denominational church?"
"Come on, Jesus. You are a non-denominational church."
"Pronunciation won't be a problem, as few people speak Enochian anymore."
"Except for Ripple, of course. And that's only on TV anyway."
"Can't I just pray to God to give me some fireballs?"
"Do you want me to bring anything to the concert?"
"Yes, Diane. You should definitely bring a hot dish."
"Eliblimating vampires is the best way to get rid of them."
"Mario writes in very nice cursive."
"If you look closely, can you see pickles?"
"I'll agree with that, dude. [Samson Strongarm the Technocrat] seemed real approachable when he was arresting me."
"Can I have 30 experience?"
"I'd have to be all insecure if I had sex with Lafayette anyway, since
he's prettier than I am."
"You'd better never have sex with Eve, then."
"I'd do Eve."
"Yes, but you're a confused 13-year-old girl."
"Two of them."
"That's something we definitely haven't done yet."
"Bye, guys! Have fun at the orgy! I packed you a lunch and some extra condoms!"
"None of what just happened was vulgar."
"None of the magic, that is. The foci are another story."
"I don't wanna sleep with the boys. You're a man."
"I'd like to divorce my brain..."
"Wits plus something to zip it up."
"...Oh, the tent."
"It's the naked morning ritual! Now give us the camera!"
"Guys, please don't have an orgy right now. We still need to go into a lair."
"I begin trying to soothe the savage chicken beast."
"You open up the crates and see a lot of mold and decay and little skeletons growing in piles."
"I'm going to find point of weakness. I'm going to watch-tricorder-size-it."
"Somebody scry this room or something."
"I take a great big whiff."
"I love the smell of manticore poop in the morning!"
"It's similar to something you might have seen in Predator..."
"Oh, just what I love to hear in gaming."
"What does it take to turn a Life pattern into a Matter pattern?"
"Eat my N! I mean, eat this knife."
"She's like a person who doesn't know how to wield a knife stabbing wildly at a giant maggot."
"In the darkness, I scream out for the chicken...and Maggie...and you guys...and my mom and dad...and God..."
"God has heard your request, and he's turning you down. So he's sent his two rejected daughters to pull your legs apart."
"They're in a kind of shabby-looking motel room..."
"Maggie! Do you recognize it?"
"I put the book in my blouse."
"I say to her, 'That's quite a little slot you've got there.'"
"So there's poo everywhere?"
"Can I tell where it came from?"
"Well, you've got points in Anatomy, so you can probably make a guess."
"No, I don't miss my monkey, because it was never important."
"This whole subplot is just Iain jerking off. At least, it feels that way."
"Did you just say, 'Oh my gosh, have sex with me?'"
"No. She said, 'Oh, I botched. No sex for me,' which is arguably worse."
"Did you just tell me to get back into the whore line?"
"Please don't put these images in my head that involve tiny shriveled Hermetic dick."
"Oh, God. He was trying to start a Hermetic petting zoo?."
"Pet the fireball! It's warm!"
"Where did you say you found this?"
"I talked to Maggie and Skipper about human relationships for like two
and a half hours."
"Yes, but we also talked about other stuff. Like the Pact of Draconis and my creeping sense of life's meaninglessness."
"You should get a robotic hand, Maggie." [Makes robot hand noises
that come out sounding like duck noises.]
"Yes. One that goes 'quack, quack, quack.'"
"We might have to bring Cho along on this one, since she is the handler of the rubber-eating chicken thing."
"It'd be like the 'are these people having sex?' test."
"...So that means Santa is a virgin."
"See, I'm serious! You kill the chicken, tell Nester it went to live on a nice farm in the Umbra, and then Thanksgiving dinner floats!"
"Oh, gaping milky sockets are such a turn-on."
"On my lunch break I'm going to take a nice meditation."
"And by meditation I mean dump!"
"Skipper is one of those people who's born without a virginity."
"For that quote I'm just going to write down 'His name is Chance Skipper Adams,' and leave it at that."
"I'm going to kill Diane. Of course, if I'm really going to do it, I should probably not be sitting here telling all of my devious plans to the Storyteller and being like, 'Yeah, try to stop me, motherfucker!'"
"I found the perfect model for a drawing of Cho! And she was even wearing the clothes that I told Cho to wear!"
"Oops, my face just got in the way of your vagina!"
"They're our brothers! And our underlings!"
"Yeah, God told us we weren't supposed to sleep with the help."
"Rebecca is a Virgo."
[snort] "Yeah, right."
"I guess it wouldn't be a trinity."
"No. It would be an orgy."
"Maggie, do you have any tongue skills?"
"Hey B...aggie? I mean, Maggie?"
"Hey, Beth? Call Skipper..."
"Wait. You three had a foursome?"
"You're a Cultist. Isn't that your specialty sphere?"
"Plucking your eyebrows?"
"Eve, what's one thing you haven't done yet that you'd still like to do?"
"Kiss me, you fool!"
"That's not a truth or a dare!"
"So he could turn out to be one of those nice, big, black rappers. Except that he's not black. Or a rapper."
"Sweet! We got the Technocrats to dance!"
"Well, there goes the fabric of reality."
"Yes. The future is doomed because the Jesus twins cooked."
"Whoa! That would be really cool if your dark place was inside Eve."
"Have you seen Diane around?"
"No, she had to stop on the way and torture a squirrel."
"Yeah! Burn stuff for the Democrats!"
"Samson, you know that goldfish we were babysitting for you? Well, he drowned."
"Jesus twins, you hear about the after-school special...I mean, the after party..."
"Do you have a playing card? Ha! Now it's a dollar! Ha! Now it's a dick! Dick in your wine! Surprised you!"
"I'd like my leg attached to my other leg, please."
"Jesus the goat succubus!"
"Follow the arrows to the clitoris!"
"Steven May really needs a Technocratic sex manual."
"Before insertion, prime your partner by..."
"That's so funny, I had to jerk off!"
[about Maggie] "She's always having sex in the room next to mine. Sometimes I wake up crying and I don't know why."
"I don't think I'd really want a Marauder's dick in my hand."
"Neither of us has been entirely truthful with the other."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you're a Technocrat and I'm a robot."
"You Technocrat. Me robot. Us sex."
"May I please scan your dick?"
"...But what a way to go, with your prostate being so joyously stimulated."
"Oh no, our hookah is out of coal. Quick, guys! Let's go kill a phoenix!"
"We must either do this before or after Thursday..."
"...And then you'll be sorry that you fucked with my amygdala, bitches!"
"What's Eve's work number?"
"Didn't anyone answer at Maize Inc.?"
"Well, no, because Iain is still rolling dice."
"You got put on GM hold!"
"You guys, when this is over, let's all just walk into a closet and backlash together."
"So, hypothetically speaking, if there was a giant cord hooked into the back of our friend's brain..."
"My brain is the star of hentai. Terrific."
"Watch! It's a robot that botches on command!"
"At least there are none like Nester. He's drawn to gayness, you know."
"Dude! You run the world!"
"Yeah, Rebecca rolls around in some mud and then runs around naked and
"That would piss Caly off so bad."
"Yeah. Especially if I had her paint a face around her vagina and run toward the kids."
"I named her Alice!"
"And she's huuuuuuuun-gry!"
"Dude, that would suck if your vagina was the Caul. You'd have to, like, run around and jump on top of people cramming them into your vagina."
"Should we go check it out?"
"Well, I hope so. Otherwise we just wasted our cab fare."
"Can't you use Correspondence to just make the lock go away?"
"Nester! You could send it under the cornfield!"
"I'm imagining that could be useful if you were ever captured by evil
"Hey! We already know one of those!"
"I pray to God for stronger hair."
"You are such a teenager!"
"Rachel, have you done your paper yet?"
"No. I'm going to look at the huge wooden box."
"Can't you just reach up and grab it?"
"It's seven feet above my head!"
"Well, go go gadget arm!"
"...Or you could use a tool, like humans do."
"She has a bunch of the kind of books you'd buy at a grocery store..."
"Yes. They all have the word 'Love,' 'Passion,' or 'Seduction' in the title. And sometimes, all three at once."
"And also, The Pact of Draconis."
"No, the passion of Draconis!"
"Is that anything like The Passion of the Christ?"
"What I heard was a pack of Draconis."
"And that sounds like a brand of cigarettes."
"I'll have a pack of Draconis...unfiltered..."
"Light, please. I'm trying to quit."
"The mirror got sucked into the Umbra. You know, it's out by where Ganondorf lives."
"I go find Cho for some lovin'. (pause) Of the motherly kind, that is."
"Her tattoo is, like, a spirit that's been ensquelched..."
"At least this way we can break it to her easy. The good news is, you didn't miss the council meeting. The bad news is, there are Technocratic spies and we lost the mirror."
"...And by strong coffee I mean peyote."
"Dude. You're going to be Mrs. Rebecca Mothberry."
"Dude, two hot chicks giving away free booze? We could be getting so much
tail if we wanted to!"
"You'd get even more if you made out."
"Yeah. One dollar to join in!"
"Increased discipline and harsher penalties for Bozo?"
"If they kick us out, we'll just start our own Tradition with Diane and torture all who oppose us."
"We could let the caveman be our leader and run around naked in the woods
hitting things with clubs."
"Yes. But then we'd be Verbena."
"He shakes your hands, and heads off."
"Wait a minute. Did you just say he shakes our hands and heads off?"
"The V stands for vivisection!"
"If you guys are planning to get mad at me for blowing your cover on the horrible lie you just told, just think of all the other things I could have said to them. 'By the way, we know where the Hub is. We've partied with it. A lot of us have slept with it.'"
"The only werewolf hunters I know are out of it now."
"Out of it like dead? Out of it like missing limbs?"
"A little of both."
"I like you guys. You blow up buildings for me. But that can only take us so far."
"We're sorry. The party you have called says to fuck off."
"We should make Maggie's club into a bondage religious club."
[Very long pause.]
"The look that's on Iain's face right now is the same look that's in my soul."
"God's gonna kill me through the window for saying that."
"Hey, if you shut the window, God can't get you."
[The ST reaches over and opens the window wider.]
"Hey, Skipper, if your talk with Diane doesn't go as planned, keep in mind that I have a nice vagina for you to cry into."
"I feel like the guy who came down and told Jesus he was the son of God."
"Skipper, you are definitely not a Christ figure."
"No, I'll tell you what this is like. It's like coming out of the closet."
"Only instead of telling everyone you're gay, someone else is telling you that you've actually been gay all along and you've just never realized it."
"Skipper, have you tried not being the Hub?"
"You'll notice that everything on my list is divisible by two. Except for the things that are one."
"Skipper, you're inane! Amuse them! Do something!"
"Of all the ways I pictured this session going, us magically building a washer and dryer for a crazy old Umbral cat lady so we could trade them for the mirror was definitely not one of them."
"Dear Rachel, you are stupid. Love, Rebecca."
"Skipper also has 10. But you go first, since he's under the Ripper."
"Under the Ripper?"
[sings] "Under the Ripper and through the woods..."
"It fucked with your hair! Frenzy!"
"I don't have a pipe bomb, because nobody trusts me with explosives for some reason. Funny, that."
"Heh. It didn't soak no damage."
"Terrific. Now, not only is everything else in the universe stacked against me, I've suddenly become allergic to my love interest."
"All this because I gave you one little cosmic wedgie?"
"I spy with my little eye something beginning with F."
"Is it alive?"
"For now? Yes."
"I spy with my little eye something beginning with T. Give up? It's 'two huge morons who don't know when to leave a motherfucking carnivorous plant the hell alone.'"
"Is it holding me menacingly?"
"Um...it's a pretty big flower."
"The flower sent you emoticons!"
"Age: Jailbait. Sex: Gay, please. Location: Unconscious in front of you."
"I spy with my little eye something beginning with S."
[sigh] "For the fifth time, it's Skipper."
"Um...Maggie? I spy with my little eye something beginning with F."
[looks back, sees giant flower] "Fucking A!"
"Well, actually, I was thinking flower. But I guess that works too."
"We don't throw our bombs without seeing what's coming first."
"Says the blind lady!"
"What I wouldn't give for some katanas right now..."
"There's an awful lot of hucking going on in this game tonight."
"Why are you attacking us? Speak, infidel!"
"Do you really say that?"
"No. I'm not Maggie."
"Dude, I'm sure I don't even know the word infidel. And even if I do, I probably think it starts with an N."
"Do you have Medicine?"
"Yes. One. But we have knives."
"So that leaves the three of us. The unstoppable squad of people who don't really like each other."
"It must be nice to be an Akashic. You just sit around, and if anyone asks you to do anything, you say you're meditating."
"Mr. Technocracy's Home for Wayward Youth."
"Aww. That Technocrat is only four days old."
"Kill it quick, before it reproduces."
"The first guy's name is Fenster Robbins?! What the hell is the second one named, Shaggy Zablonsky?"
"As much as I hate to admit it, guys, I don't think sex has anything to do with this."
"Wait! Was there just a huge betrayal and we missed it?"
"Look for the black gangsta nun."
[snort] "Which one?"
"Just follow the gigantic bling-bling cross flashing in the maelstrom."
"You locate something that is habit-shaped..."
"Yes, unconscious nun! Best Cultist focus ever!"
"Can't you see that this woman is suffering from carbonide sphinxoidal syndrome?!"
"It's not like Rebecca isn't wearing street clothes."
"It's not like Rebecca is wearing any clothes."
"Will you need any anesthesia?"
"No, I think she's pretty unconscious already."
"I think I know who wins in this scenario."
"The Master of Life?"
"What? Nester's wife?"
"You just gotta trust us, Drew."
"We had an orgy with you. In a tent. Under a bridge. In public. If you say the world is ending, we believe you."
"Yeah, well, you try solving a mystery when people are karmically shitting lethal damage directly into your brain."
"Skipper's kind of like Pringles. You can't have just one."
"Good old rock. Nothing beats rock."
"THE LORD YOUR GOD WILL RENDER YOU STERILE ON MY BEHALF."
"Hey, you're not really a candygram! You're just people with guns!"
"Gabriella, you're getting poked."
"By a little fat finger."
"The time is ha ha, you're blind."
"Let's see, what can everyone do in combat that will be useless?"
"Eat the Pact of Draconis, beotches!"
"...Or some poor vampire uses the holy blanket to line his coffin, and he doesn't understand why he wakes up in torpor."
"What's this for?"
"I want you to use it if anyone is trying to shoot you or stake you or set you on fire."
"In other words, if you're attacking me?"
"Ha ha, very funny. Just wrap yourself around it and you'll be fine."
"It's a holy blanket full of God's protective love, so suck it!"
"The phone rings. [pause] Okay, um, the phone rings again."
"I wrap myself around the blanket!"
"You might want to watch you for a man in armor."
"He is bad. There are some who call him...Strong Bad."
[snort, slow building chuckles]
"This game is really going to shit."
"...And I'm all like, 'BACK OFF, HOLE!'"
"Eat G chord, bitch!"
"Your clothes disintegrate."
"The Hub's resonance is present on Nester, but Nester is not the Hub. Thank God."
"Oops, you botched. You're getting stabbed by every knife."
"Lafayette is totally naked, and for once in my life, I don't care."
"I know of a comfortable place we can all sit down and discuss this."
"It's inside the Caul!"
"We have the Hub and the Beast? Wow. We're pretty cool."
"Our attack on the cosmetics factory actually went much better than we expected, unfortunately for some of your people."
"Now my question is, do your loyalties lie with your superiors, or do your loyalties lie with the sanctity of human life and free will? [pause] And also, with your girlfriend?"
"He taps you on the shoulder..."
"And then shoots you in the head."
"I think it's time to come back."
"Good. Your books suck."
"Being dead can sure slow a man down."
"It misses. Stupid happy spirit."
"Oh, cute! It's barfing at me!"
"When the Resonance hits you, you feel your inhibitions beginning to lessen..."
"Smells like Diane!"
"This room is making me drunk, and something that stinks like Charles Carlson is teleporting onto our front lawn."
"She smashes a bottle of perfume on the ground..."
"What the fuck kind of paradigm is this?"
"So we jump through the pink and purple perfume portal...Whoa. Say that one five times fast."
"If K'Elector comes back, Skipper will die, so for Skipper to live K'Elector
has to stay away from everyone forever."
[Really long pause.]
"Hey, let's get in an argument over which of us gets to be miserable."
"Some people are drunk, some people have their hymnals out."
"Heh. Story of our cabal."
"People back there are doing everything from tap-dancing to masturbating."
"...And, like all human beings, the Hub is still susceptible to high-velocity lead poisoning."
"You hear K'Elector's voice coming over the din..."
"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
"Heh heh. No."
The Characters and Players:
Lafayette d’Armond, a Euthanatos who's spent the past few hundred years in an Umbral bubble. Played by Marco.
Gabriella Delano, a 13-year-old Celestial Chorister with a manifest Avatar and a bit of a God complex. Played by Rachel.
Eve, a construct made by a Son of Ether who wanted to create the perfect woman. Played by Nikki.
Park Cho Ra, a Cultist of Ecstasy and Korean pop star on the run from the Technocracy. Played by Andy.
Nester Robbins, a 10-year-old Virtual Adept and video game fanatic. Played by Jake.
Rebecca Salome, a blind Dreamspeaker with a natural affinity for seeing and understanding spirits. Played by Caly
Maggie Zablonsky, a Cultist of Ecstasy and former movie stuntperson, and the cabal's sort-of leader. Played by Beth.