Mage: The Ascension (Prodigal Sorcerers) Quotes


“I wish my Avatar would steal candy for me!”


“...Because when you assume, you make an ass out of you and the One.”


“Your church is a crack house.  Ha ha.”


“I love the smell of blood in a pew.  It makes me more confident.”


“That’s ‘cause she’s a nice guy!”


“I have Life.”

“Not for long you don’t!”


“I’m getting thrown into the sticky vat here...”


“Am I just the sacrificial sex goat in this place?”


“For everybody who hasn’t had intercourse with Marcus...”


“I’m in need of some gametes.”

(long pause)  “What?”

“I need wolf sperm.”


“The priest is having an episode again!”


“We’re having a hot tub party.  It’ll be fun.”

“The priest is saying this?!”


“I am so gonna get my puma pregnant!”


“Who here boinked their mentor?”


“Got opium?”


After Gabriel got naked in the hot tub and hit on everything that moved:

“Is it possible to have a charisma of zero?  I’m just curious.”


“Why are you hell-bent on boinking the priest?”


“You bitch!  You stole the available male NPC!”


“Yeah, ‘wah-chick-ah-wah-wah’ just about covers it all.”


After Gabriel put sex toys in Jennifer’s bed, she threw them out the window into Saxon’s garden, and he left them on her doorstep the next morning:

“I’ve determined that the sex toys are part of some infinitely repeating recursive loop...”


Following the Jolt Cola incident:

“She’s the most innocent Cultist ever!”


“Question!  Out of character!  Aren’t I still having sex?”


“I’m in my pocket, stroking my rats.”




“Willpower and spore pods...handy, dandy spore pods...”


“I’m having a great day!  I boinked my mentor, I killed a guy, and my puma’s almost fertilized!”


“Don’t make me slow down time and pull your bullet out of the air!”


“This is the dice-eating blanket!”


“My puma’s gonna have puppies!”


“I was trying so hard to avoid using the phrase ‘wolf sperm’...”


“Whoa!  Who discharged Prime in here?”


“So boinking is more intimate than banging?  How does that work?”




After Saxon pokes “Carlotta” with a tree branch and she disintegrates it:

“Now she looks really pissed off.”

“Okay, I get a bigger branch.”


“Hey guys, what’s up?”

“Nothing, just getting Destiny.”


What James learned about wraiths:

“They burn you and then they kick you.  It hurts.”


“Maybe if you paid attention to the people you live with, you’d know what’s normal and what’s in the realm of fucked-up.”


Jennifer’s response to Teal’s suggestion that Kyler try to banish the wraith even though she doesn’t believe in it:

“Well, that’s like saying ‘take your paradigm and take a nice big fat shit on it.’”


Teal’s (female) player makes her character’s gender clear:

“He!  He!  I am definitely a man!”


“My Avatar’s been branded.”

“Don’t you want to see me anymore?”

“Yeah, it’s not you, it’s my Avatar.”


Kenley’s conclusion after being dragged to the Shadowlands by “Carlotta”:

“I’m never making a crack about Jesus again!”


The lesson Saxon learned:

“I need to be a lot more cautious with what I’m poking.”


“I have a very high Perception.  Maybe I should’ve rolled it while I was having sex.”


“Did you just say ‘blowfish hamster?’”


Possibly the world’s worst pick-up line (especially when used on a priest):

“Are you pregnant?”


“Would you like to be?”


After Teal’s player asks the ST what she hears:

“It is very visibly people screaming.”


“And I was a castle...”

“And I lived inside Kyler!”


“How ‘bout if I break its legs!  Can I break its legs?”

“And you’re supposed to be a PRIEST?!”


The Chorists defend repeatedly shooting a defenseless Nephandi being with bolts of Prime energy:

“Hey!  This happens to be righteous justice!”


“It’s not my fault I’m a Nephandi!”

“Well, actually, yes it is.”


“Hey Mike, can I make a minor life form while sitting here?”


“By the way, am I still a Nephandi?”


Gabriel makes himself clear:

“Don’t touch me.  You have Nephandi stink all over your bitch-ass ho body.”


“The ink guy isn’t a Nephandi.”

“Well, I’m still going to kill him!”


After receiving a phone call from a vampire:

“I shoot the phone.”


“Yeah, that’s because all vampires write in Gothic handwriting...”


What Ripple learned:

“I learned that there is more that I know than what I think I know, or what I know I know?”


Books found in Marcus’ room:

“He has Computers For Dummies, Moby Dick, and Don’t Pee On Electric Fences.”


“It’s a roaring fish!  Growrlblblblblbbbbbb...”


“I have AIDS.  I can’t go.”


“Go for the gametes!”


“Did you just say you’re very anal about peni?”


“You guys hear rustling, but it’s not untoward.”


“So have we noticed the armada of fuzz?”


“...Which paints an interesting picture, since she’s actually this huge Russian man.”


“Every single one of these people is either Awakened or weird.”


“I have a charred penis in my pocket!”


“Having a tickle war with the archmage.  What a great use of our power to shape reality.”


“You whip out a charred penis in the middle of the church?!”


“This is my lover’s penis, Teal!”


“Fine, I’m dancing naked in the street.  Now are you happy?”


“Are you calling my paradigm dumb?”


After Wan made a comment about the universe unraveling:

“What?!  What uterus?”


“Stasis wants to speed up the game, and Balance wants to slow it down?  I don’t get it.”


After Adamus expressed his desire to “see some boobies”:

“And this thing came from heaven?!”


“Why would you want to go to the Cultists’ District, anyway?  That’s just sick.”

“It may be, but I really need to make money!”


“Can I talk to you?”

“Of course, what do you want?”

“Do you know who I am?”

(Long pause.)  “Is this a trick question?”


“Well, I could always whore myself out.  (pause)  I mean intellectually!”


Understatement of a lifetime, spoken about the Incarnation of Corruption:

“Well, Hecitus is kind of bad...”


Saxon protests going to Hollywood with a priest, an old Chinese man, an ex-Technocrat, a hippie, and a hacker:

“Oh, it’s not like our group doesn’t shout, ‘Look at me!’”


Teal gets sucked into “The Exorcist”:

“Psst!  Teal!  Your line is, ‘The power of Christ compels you!’”


“Wait...this movie ends with the priest jumping out the window, doesn’t it?”


“So do I now have an animated charred penis in my pocket?”


Saxon ends up in the Humphrey Bogart role in “Casablanca” and forgets his lines:

“Okay, I’m gonna say something about a hill of beans…in Paris...”


“Who are you?  Your skin is so soft.  Can I touch you here?”


Kenley plays a scene opposite William Shatner:

“Rip his toupee off!  Undo his girdle!”


“How does Captain Kirk look dashing?”

“Well...he tries.”


“Omigod, Captain Kirk is trying to give me a hot beef injection!”


“He wanted to broach trade relations with the rat?”

“Well, she is female...”


Our excuse for everything while in the Hollywood dream realm:

“I’m on TV!  I’m allowed to!”


“I can’t believe Captain Kirk would want to have sex with aliens.”

“Um...have you ever actually watched Star Trek?”


“The Predator is leaking.”


“You should’ve tried to, like, smite his manhood.”


Jennifer ends up in “Scream”:

“What’s your favorite scary movie?”

“Um...this one!”

“...And the scene just fades out.”


“So you’re saying angel is the other white meat?”


“I’ve got a little bouncer who sits in my mouth and stops all the dumb phrases from coming out.”


“She’s no longer what-the-thud, she’s what-the-I-don’t-get-it.”


“You should’ve poked the Predator.”


“The freaky pumpkin freaks me out!”


Ripple becomes Gumby:

“What is she doing?”

“Seducing Pokey.”  (She got 7 successes.)


“Lesson of the night.  Don’t smoke pot or you’ll end up screwing a horse.”


“Flaming Gumby is paradoxical, ergo you’re gone.”


“Dude, what’s up your ass?”

“Jim Henson.”


Spoken after Rachel attempted to catch the candy Nerds in her mouth, and failed miserably:

“Nerds went down my bra!”

“Well, isn’t that just the curse of everyone who couldn’t get a date in high school.”


“The fact that you just said ‘troll’s giant wee-wee’ is wrong in and of itself.”


Ripple attempts to seduce the troll, and fails:

“I bruised his libido!”


“Your little common sense demon is slapping you on the back of the head saying, ‘Bad, bad, bad, BAD!’”


“Well, it’s good to know that the mouth I felt latch onto my ear was just Mike and not...wait, what am I saying?”


Doesn’t every gaming group have a quote like this one?:

“Aim for Beth, Paul!  That way when you botch, you’ll hit the zombie!”


“You’re attacking the GM?”


After Wan botched two consecutive Firearms rolls, crippled Saxon, and nearly killed Maria:

“Jeez!  With friends like Wan, who needs killer zombies?”


“Are you eating dice?”


“Omigod, the stairs have eaten Harry Potter!”


“If I were you, I wouldn’t look under that bed.”

“That’s what the stick is for.”


“The stick goes where no man can go!”


“He claps twice...”

“And the light goes off.”


“I stick my head out of Adamus’ slit.”


“Don’t argue semantics with the undead!”


“Let’s fertilize the planet together!”


“Dude, she’s gonna get it on with the vampire!  I guess there’s nothing like a cold girl on a hot night...”


“I’m a sexy hobo.”


“The squid says ‘meep?’”


What Wan learned:

“Christianity is kind of silly.”


“Yes, you just hamster dance your way toward Clarice...”


“You sleep with ONE Nephandic construct and you just never live it down, do you?”


“Great, which leaves me alone in the hall with Little Miss Fairy Princess Fifth-Gen Bitch.”


“Why wouldn’t Ripple seduce Maria?”

“Because a) She’s a chick, b) She’s a vampire, and c) She’s a priest.”

“When has any of that ever stopped Ecstatics?”


“First she sold her soul to Mike, then she sold her soul to Hecitus, then she sold her soul to Mike again in an attempt to buy it back from the first time she sold it.”

“Wow...three wrongs make a BIG wrong.”


“Is it possible for me to go one session without getting chomped on by the undead?  It’s not the damage, it’s the principle of the thing.”


“Marcus-ism!  It’s like Marxism...only not.”


And then, reality shifted wildly...


“Did you just say the planet we’re on looks visible?”


“I am definitely NOT George Takei.”


“Danger!  Danger!  My arms are flailing randomly!”


“Damn it, Kyler!  I’m a hacker, not a Hooters waitress!”


“Hey, we’ve got days to burn on this planet.  Let’s just sit back and enjoy the sun.”

(pointing at the vampire)  “Heh heh heh...days...burn...sun...”


“Civilization: part of a complete breakfast.”


“Now we’re playing Nephandi Land!  It’s like Candyland, only scarier!”


“Crouching Kyler, hidden wolf-thing!”


“It’s a planet of home-grown HIT marks just like Mama used to make.”


“You need to suck more often.”


“Is it goblobulous?”


“Why can’t we touch your animal?”


“I’m unaging!  I could be a dirty old man for a LONG time...”


“So we’re naked in a hot tub with a vampire and a bunch of slaves?”


“Wait...we’re both women and I don’t love you.”


“I’m gonna dodge the rug.”

“Heh...that sounds so wrong.”


“Well, do I notice that you’re noticing something?”


“At this point I think I’m going to yell really loudly, ‘Does anyone want to have sex with me?’”


“It’s always ag with you!  Do you even know how long it’s been since we’ve gotten to take lethal?”


“Now you’re a quadriplegic and you’re like, ‘Wee wee WEE wee!’”


“Who are you guys with, the British or the Russians?”



“Does the hole speak Enochian?”


“Your idea of breaking up with someone is kicking him in the balls?”


“Someone’s feeling up our ship!”


“FOOM!  And then he just slams into you with force that is...really...big.”


“It’s a good thing you sucked on those dogs, isn’t it?”


“Okay, who let the Marcus out again?”


“I have to admit, you did look pretty stupid sucking on dead dogs.”


“According to your religion, you just committed a cardinal sin.”

(pause)  “So...who wants to have a hot tub party?”


“He’s just extending his burgeoning protoplasmic self.”

“Oh, so he’s going through puberty then?”


“I think Steve is wonderful.  Let’s poke him.”


“Can’t we just wheel ‘em down in our harness of blood?”


“A hot tub isn’t science, it’s sexy!”


“What, you don’t want an apple that tastes like steak?”


“Um…reality just got fingered, guys.”


“I am so not being phagocytized today!”


“Killer Crinos Barbie dolls!”


“You can’t borrow a familiar!  This isn’t Umbrood show and tell!”


“I wanna make a little hamster charged with Forces magic…”


“So how big is my ball now?”

“Well, it’ll expand when you whip it out.”


“You guys just stole a HIT Mark!  Don’t you see anything wrong with that?”


“Quick!  Let’s ask another dumb question before they get away!”


“Sorry for pissing off the gods.”


“So this dead chimp, this HIT Mark, and this Exalted jump into a Bag of Holding…”


“You’ll kill her, but you’ll probably kill yourself, too.”

“Okay, half of this plan is good…”



I’d been carrying the thing around since mid-April.  We all got them during the one session I missed during the whole year, and no one had ever thought to inform me of this fact.


“Yeah, because in my artificial womb nobody has to get hurt.”


“She’s using black market Quintessence.”


“Screw you and your kids.  I’m just gonna grow my steak apple trees.”


Discussing how Isabella (a vampire) and Marcus (a lich)  would react if the mages in our cabal died on their trip back to Earth through the Deep Umbra:

“This pile of corpses will just drop in front of them and they’ll be like, ‘It’s a barbecue!’”


“Magic from the First Age!”  (Spoken about a vibrator.)


“Abruptly, something violates your bowels.”


“Anne took out a mortgage on her soul!”

“And I’m the grim repo man.”


“She says intelligence comes from age, and I say intelligence comes from not being stupid.”


“We’re in a yuppie haunted house!”


“It was good for you!  How was it for me?”


“Did you just say, ‘Hung like an eagle?’”


“She’s a Teflon vampire!”


“I don’t wanna go shopping.  I need to find a gorilla.”


“Sssssshh!  I’m talking about sex!”


“Hey, it’s the Tupperware of Holding!”


“Reality knows what you did last summer.”


“With magic, anything is possible.”

“Even oral sex after marriage?”


“Guys, there’s this guy…”


“What’s their company, the Soul-Eating Nephandi Brothers?”


“When you come upstairs, bring some snails.  (pause)  To light the room!  It’s romantic!”


“Yeah, they give you a card that says, ‘Pentex, Servant of the Wyrm.’”


“Look!  It’s half past Alaska!”


“Let’s blow corpse dust on all the yuppies!”


“Emotional issues are not Joe’s forte.”

“Yeah, but he’s great in the sack.”


“Hmm, this pizza is definitely of the Wyrm!”


“Is that a flaw?  Hickish Aspect?”


“Wait, I’m a Sleeper.  Why are you telling me this?”  (Frighteningly enough, this was spoken in character...)


“Michael is the mad flasher of the Technocracy!”

“Hey, if I flashed you, you wouldn’t remember what it looked like anyway.”  (Michael has Arcane 5.)


“Vampires need not apply to enter the sanctum of my vagina.”


“Sadira’s name has an Arcane of 5.”


“It’s not like, ooh, look, I have a stick up my butt.”


“He’s gonna get his Celerity out and we’re gonna get our big hurt on.”


“I wanna find a priest who doesn’t believe in God.”


“Could I latch onto their minds and (slurp)?”


“Are we turning her on, Mike?”


“I’ll meditate all over you!”


“He leads you through this sort of nonchalant door…”


“Stop trying to seduce the Nephandi.”


“Don’t talk to ANYBODY who wears mirrorshades!”


Sung to the tune of “Sex On The Beach”:

“I wanna have sex with Gabriel…come on move your implants…”


“You are my next experiment.  I shall call you…lunch.”


“Is he happy in Enochian?”


“I wish I could hit the reality button!”


“You know, Mike…only you would think something was cute that had been programmed to kill and maim.”


“You’re not in the compound yet.  You’re all making plans and creating hamsters.”


“Oh damn, he’s reading the Book of Madness.”


“She’s like this big sack of soak dice that stands in front of us.”


“It’s okay, Marcus will save us!”

(pause)  “Don’t ever say that again.”


“Eeeeewww, we’ve got Technocratic cooties!”


“The Old Navy Kevlar vest?”


“It’s a Progenitor compound and a Nephandi labyrinth?  We’re getting out of here.”


“I ran into this giant thing, and now it’s transforming itself into some sort of…thing.”

(I’d give you three guesses as to which character uttered this quote, but you’d only need one.)


“I gently kick Gabriel in the ass.”


“Now when I say this next sentence, I don’t want it to get the reaction it usually does, okay?  (We all nod.)  Okay.  So you all come to a white gazebo.”  (Chaos ensues anyway.)


“Paging Elaine and Tim.  Your trap has succeeded.  Please report to the gazebo.”


“The love of her life just died a horrible, gruesome death, and you immediately begin looting his corpse?  You are a hobo.”


“Put that in your Bag of Holding and smoke it!”


“I start humming ‘Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer.’”

“Okay, I’m gonna stake her now…”


“Kiss me, I’m Julianne!”


“What?  Santa Claus is a Democrat?”


“Say my name, Santa!”


“Is it true what they say about Chinese men?”

“What do they say about Chinese men?”

“I don’t know, but we could make something up.”


“I just wanted to clone you.  I hope you understand that.”  (Spoken to Santa Claus.)


“It does the typical Windows 98 thing…”



“Windows.  Why did it have to be Windows?”


“Gabriel reincarnated himself as the Microsoft office assistant?!”


“Cool, it’s Gabriel 2.0!”


Sung to the tune of “The Candy Man”:

“Nephandi man can because he mixes it with Wyrm and…”


“Would I be able to learn any kind of Animal Ken from the bunny rabbit?”


“Can’t we all just finger each other later?  I wanna find my priest.”


“She’s making a trans-dimensional booty call!”


“So let me get this straight.  You extend your perceptions halfway around the world to smack your mentor upside the head and say ‘Ass?’  You’ve been hanging out with me too much.”


“You notice that Marcus seems to have gotten a lot nicer over the past few days.”

“Oh, he spent his experience points on Charisma.”


“I start knocking on the walls looking for a hollow one.”

“You mean one of those Gothic Orphans?  They must be like, ‘Oh, the angst of hanging on a wall in the Olive Garden and being knocked on by Cultists!’”


“Suddenly, everything becomes very warm and very moist.  I do not want to hear ANYTHING about reproductive organs.”


“What if we’re zapped back together and suddenly we’re in your nice fat cloud?”


“What’s connected to the hands?”

“Um…a person?”


“Well, the upside of this is that I’m one of the few Cultists who can say they’ve done it in a Nephandi labyrinth.”


“Thwock, thwock, thwock.  (slurpslurpslurp)  Repeat until staked.”


“Is that a Gabriel in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”


After we find out that Marcus is a 300-year-old lich who constantly re-experiences his own death:

“No wonder he never wanted toast.”


“Welcome to the sisterhood of freakish Nephandi sex.”


“Seduce the Nephandi!  It worked before!”


“It looks like she’s trying to tear out goblets of his flesh.”


“Marcus bitch-slapped the uber-Nephandi!”


“…So I just wanna live a happy life, in the end.”

“Then you’re in the wrong cabal.”


“…And he’s printing out T-shirts that say, ‘Got Nephandi?’”


“Aah!  The Hermetic home pregnancy test!”


“How many times in history do you think someone has hugged a lich and shouted, ‘Save me?’”


“That Cultist boinks everything except real people.”


Spoken by Ripple after everyone made fun of how she seems incapable of sleeping with a normal human:

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go play with Wolfie.”


“Well, maybe the stomach acid from your vomit will cauterize the bloody stump of my arm.”


“Nothing says Arcane like a fireworks display!”


“Living is much better than Isabella still being here.  I’ll agree with that.”


“When did you suddenly become Palestine?”


“Hey, shrink-wrapped Exalted!”


“Thank you for flying Coincidental Airlines.  You will now notice that the ‘No Vulgar Magic’ sign has been turned off.”


“Can I invent an airplane that runs on angst?”


“You’re the bass of characters!  If I don’t hook you with the plot right away you’re just like (ptoo)!”


“How many licks does it take to get to the center of Mexico City?”


“Now you could say she owes you, Wan!”


“Don’t drive him crazy, or it’ll be like Wan flew over the cuckoo’s nest.”


“Where did they hit me?”

“Not in the baby.”


“Hey, the Buddhist bitch slap!”


“I’d be laughing if I wasn’t being frenzied upon.”


“Now, I’m going to attempt to juggle its childer.”


“We need to work out who boots up Gabriel at the beginning of each combat.”

“Hey!  I turn him on!”


“In Mike’s World of Darkness, trees equal Nephandi.”


“Kill vampires, have sex.  It’s the story of my life.”


“I will not give birth to a doll.  I will not give birth in the Caul.”


“Good little Technocrat.”

“Arf.  Give me a steak apple.”


“Would you do it for two steak apples?”

“No, but I’d do it for the A-1 carrot.”


“You could be Saxon Steakappleseed.  You could wear a frying pan on your head and go around planting steak apple trees.”


The metaphysical question of Gabriel:

“Does he still exist even when we can’t see him?”

“That was a very Akashic question.”

“No, I mean does he still exist even when he’s not turned on?”

“Now, that was a very Cultist question.”


“Note to self: No sex for Gabriel.”


“There’s something fishy in the state of Mexico.”


“Ripple and Marcus are having girl talk.”


“Hey, it’s interactive hentai Gabriel!”


“My little baby’s all grown up and dating hobos.”


“She was so pregnant, she didn’t know what day it was.”


“He’s like a big mosquito.  A big, horny mosquito.”


“I think I just ate the reality button!”


“Hey, the Cultist is going down.  Imagine that.”

“Head first, even.”


“Bria, honey!  Come downstairs and say hello to Mommy and Daddy’s dark masters!”


“Ohhhhh, Saxon, you’re so good at smelling things.”


“Are you going to jack off, I mean jack in?”


“They market everything from cameras to hair-eating babies.”


“If suddenly you hear a loud ‘pop,’ Ripple’s not coming with.”


“Um, Ripple?  How attached were you to the lower half of your body?”


“So does he turn into a giant lich baby?”


“You’re gonna mate with my baby?”


“Yes, because everyone knows that every baby’s best friend is a six-foot-long alien wolf.”


“Did something come back and smack Marcus upside the head and say, ‘Bad lich!  No biscuit?’”


“I went down to see Marcus, and he was all…um…gooshy.”


“You’re getting propositioned by a rotting corpse!  How does it feel?”

“Wouldn’t you know?”


“If anyone asks you to step into a giant vagina, you just say no, okay?  Tell them you don’t want your Avatar shredded.”


“Yes, Ripple is technically your sectmate.  Kinda makes you ashamed to be an Akashic, doesn’t it?”


Possibly the biggest violation of Rule 0, EVER:

“I hope he doesn’t get sent back in time to become Marcus.  Because if that happened, not only would I have been sleeping with a dead guy, I would’ve been sleeping with my dead son.”


“He’s evil, but I still love him.”

“Yeah.  That’s why it’s gonna suck when we have to kill him.”


An attempt, by Beth and Missy, to explain Jennifer and Gabriel’s relationship in 15 words or fewer:

“Teachy teachy, flirty flirty, stony stony, angsty angsty, toasty toasty, webby webby, sexy sexy.”


“That comment gave me a negative erection.”


“Dreamspeakers put the ‘um’ in ‘Umbra.’”

“And Cultists put the ‘bra’ in ‘Umbra.’”


“Ripple’s gonna sit in a corner and cry now.”

“She should!  She’s shaming her ancestors!”


“So it’s a giant penis in a tuxedo doing the Monkey?”


“That’ll teach you to turn into Bambi and a dick.”


“I wouldn’t say ‘buff.’  ‘Buff’ would imply that you had some potential beforehand.”


“Breakfast is sacred!  That’s why you’re wearing eggs!”


“Well, at least it’s nice to know that if we ever want to commit suicide, all we have to do is open a window.”


“Okay.  I want to enchant a unitard with Prime…”

“Unitard?  Oh.  For a minute there I thought you were being derogatory toward your kid.”


“Pay no attention to that door behind the curtain.”


“Fire with fire equals more fire.”


“So we make an elephant, right?  And then we skin it…”


“From now on, we attack the floors, ceilings, and walls of everything we come across.”


“Don’t listen to the cheese, Amy!”


“Congratulations.  You have awakened the spirit of the cheese.”


“My focus for Correspondence is not taking a dump.”


“How many successes to turn myself into a pinecone?”


“Now, you can think about twice as much of whatever pinecones think about.”


“So you’re a pinecone sitting really close to the breasts of the adopted mother of your girlfriend?  Paging Dr. Freud.”


“What’s the difficulty?”


“Did you just say ‘sex?’”


“Can me and the pinecone get some action sometime soon?”


“Beth, I’m gonna be kind to you and say you only lose a leg.”


“Is anyone going to stop the bleeding?”

“No, it’ll take care of itself.”


“Okay, so you guys just found out why this room is called the Meat Grinder.”


“Hey, guys?  Don’t touch the gold.  It’s hungry.”


“No, I’m gimpy!  Don’t hurt me!”


“You throw your one-legged hacker into the killer wall of cheese?”


“I was missing a leg, and I saved your life twice, and how do you thank me?  By throwing me into the wall of cheese.”

“No, I’m really sad about it!  I’m like, ‘Oh.  Shit.’”


“He’s rubbing his hands, and I’m not a man.”


“He looks you up and down and he says, ‘Nice unitard.’”


“What is the last square in Nephandi Land?”

“Um…the Ice Cream Caul?”

“No, but that’s actually on there.”


“You see what appears to be a vagina made out of ice cream.”


“…And it’s like, “Peanut brittle widderslainte!”


“It’s a vagina!  How fast can it move?”


“Can you get us out of here?”

“I’m gonna level with you.  I’m a tree.”


“There are all sorts of different heads on the people-headed tree.  They have different races and different genders.  Some of them are geniuses.  The one you have is of moderate intelligence.”

“And some of them are unitards.”


“What does he do besides sex?”

“Sex research.”


“Whatever, virtual whore.”


“What happens if Customs decides to inspect my Bag of Holding?”


“I want to Awaken my monkey.”


“He wants to buy Sadira for $20?”


“It’s probably a little beacon that’s like, ‘Come here, Nephandi!  Free snack, Nephandi!’”


“He’s rubbing his hands.  I say we kill them.”


“It’s a Verbena thing.  You wouldn’t understand.”


“Kill everyone except Ripple.  She’s Asian.”

“Hey!  I’m Asian, too!”

“Yeah, but you’re still a bastard.”


“You’re flashing the blind man?  Roll initiative.”


“Ix-nay on the (planimal gesture)-ay.”


“I think my offer is much better.  With a planimal, this guy could take over the world.  Whereas with the services of this cabal, he won’t be able to accomplish jack shit.”


An exchange between Bria and Archmaster Porthos:

“I need to ask you something.”

“I’m flattered, but I’m much too old for you.”


“Oops, I dropped my fork.  I’d better go down on you.”


“Yes, I am masturbation.”


“My Mind focus is totally humping Wan’s leg.”


“Pretty soon we’ll be able to charge admission to our cabal.  ‘Come see the invisible penguins and the snake that doesn’t exist!”


“Are you the head of the sex department?”


“The minute I said the words ‘massive fuck fest’ was the minute I realized I needed to go get the quote book.”


“But ‘good work for people’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘good work for mages.’”

“Or ‘good work for humankind.’”


“You woke up like a bastard!”


“Hey, let’s go borrow Indiana Jones!”


“That’s the thing.  If we go there, and something goes down, I’d want it to go down on all of us instead of just a few of us.”


“Well, I can’t really say I’m looking forward to hell.”


“I leave, and you guys are talking about her father.  I come back, and you guys are talking about sex.”


“It’s not a question of better sex.  It’s a question of sex versus no sex.”


“Yes, but the fact remains that you’re having sex because he’s dead.”


“They’re just bakemono.”

“I think that’s kind of like Hitler saying, ‘They’re just Russian peasants.’”


“Cry havoc, and release the Gabriel of war!”


“I’m Priming you.  Prime, Prime, Prime.”


“I’m thinking Marauder, aren’t I?”

“No, right now you’re probably thinking freak.”


Ra Lei’s father’s reaction to Julie Ann:

“I’ve seen worse-looking geishas.”


Makoto to Bria:

“I mean, they’re huge!  Your giant brass balls are huge!”


“Ch-ch-ch-ch.  It’s a neuron.”


“Just so you know, I’m turning your Node into a Kwik-E-Mart.”


“I have class, and you don’t.  You’re a conspiracy theorist, and I’m not.  We go together so well.”


“Omigod.  We’re playing strip information broker.”


“Then, it starts wrapping her up in the webbing.  It’s actually very graceful and beautiful.”

“Yeah, in a spidery evil sort of way.”


“Did I turn the spider into a unitard?”


“Why are you letting her out first?  I have Time 5, Entropy 4, and Forces 4!”

“Yeah, but we don’t like you very much.”


“Malfean Essences: A totally Nephandic experience.”


“What’s your mentor’s name again?  Woody?”


“How much do you know about us?”

“Come on, Ripple.  That’s like opening a Christmas present before Christmas.”

“Yes, but you can always rewrap the present and make it look like you never touched it.”

“You were a devil child, weren’t you?”


“Does he have a sword?”




“What did you do?  Start at the beginning.”

“Well, when I was five years old I fell down the stairs…”


“You don’t just slap their hand and say, ‘You’ve been a bad little Nephandi.’  Hell no!  You blow up their building!”


So far, this gets my vote for quote of the campaign:

“It’s like, people will know the name of Michael What’s-His-Face.”


“Now it’s all good, ‘cause I want you for your Mind pattern.”


“Is there another man?  Yes, he’s nine and a half years old and he has saggy grey skin and a Mind pattern like an animal!”


“Virtual Adepts have binary code animal magnetism?”


“That wasn’t at all sexy, but stop doing it anyway.”


“We’re eating bagels?  Isn’t that sacrilege?”


“…‘Cause if she’s eating a bagel, she’s obviously really depressed.”


“This is not another I’m-old-enough-to-be-your-mother fight.  We’ve had enough of those in this cabal.”


“Is there any such thing as a mage delivery service?”


“Can I scan the Oreos with Prime?”


“I just wanted to see if they were special Oreos!”

“Well, they are Double Stuff…”


“He’s the Pinnochio of the Technocracy!”


“So, what happened?”

“Well, I’m not sure if I impressed him or pissed him off.”

“Okay, little tiny guy, big fucking house.  I get the picture.”


“You sold your soul to a man with no dick!”


“Gabriel isn’t undead!  He’s just digitally remastered!”


“We kind of got lost in the Ripple to-do list.”


“Saxon’s like, ‘Hey, yeah, come over!  Da duh da duh da duh!  We’re all naked!”


“Well, nothing jumps out and beats the shit out of you, if that’s what you mean.”


“That was bathentic, Rachel.”


“So you’re saying they both have magnetic crotches?”


“This boy is definitely an amoeba.”


“May I speak to Allison, please?  Tell her Samuel Haight is calling.”

<OOC>  “OH, FUCK ME!  <back in character>  Yes, won’t you come in?”


“He killed a nice lady, he messed up a tree, and now he’s going after my unitard.  He has to die.”


“Tell me you did not just talk baby talk to Samuel Haight…”


“Perhaps this is just me, as you Americans say, talking out of my ass…”


“The best way to keep things out of the hands of the Nephandi is to cut those hands off.”


“Is there alcohol in the…wait, where are we?”


“How old are you?”

“I don’t remember.”


“You guys are having Oreos and sake for breakfast?”


“When did Wolfie start to talk like Danny DeVito?”


“We didn’t just buy a house in the British Isles.”

“Yes, you did!  You went ‘Zzzzt!’”


“Fine then!  Now I have a house in Ireland!  And you can’t come!”


“I jack on to the Web.”

“Well, I jack off in the bathroom.”


“Be careful, guys.  This is dark-roasted Prime.”


“Wan is perfectly okay with being dead.”


“Who’s Saelic?”

“Christie’s mentor.  Cryptic bastard.”

“Has no penis.”


“Don’t use telepathy with him.  You might get your mind bitten off.”


“The stone is in the British Museum under heavy guard.”

“I’m sensing an opera house coming up here, guys.”

“No, no, no.  I’m sensing a very delicate operation.”

“As I said, an opera house.”


“I have a 2 in Stealth.  I have a 2 in Subterfuge.  I have a black unitard.  I’m all set to be a cat burglar.”


“Actually, with magic and a towel you could accomplish so much.”


“Psst!  Christie!  I’m gonna say hi to you in Enochian!”


“Tell me you did not just proposition your ex-boyfriend in Enochian.”

“Oh, he ain’t my ex no more.”


“I say we go straight to the main tomb.”

“What?  No foreplay?”


“Digging for Nephandi…hope I don’t get humped by the hacker!”


“So you unleash the Mad Howlers like a son-of-a-bitch…”


Ripple’s phone message to Marcus:

“I need you to call me back as soon as is magely possible.  ‘Cause that’s faster than humanly possible.”


“And then, I leave him Jennifer’s cell phone number.  In Enochian.”


“It’s the Marcus formerly known as lich!”


“You keep a Japanese vampire in your vagina?”


“Oh, great.  We released the essence of Nephandi, guys.”


“He’s like the Tomb Raider, only uglier and not female.”


“Show me the mummy!”


“That name sounds like hacking up a hairball.  In Enochian.”


“Oh no.  We’re confusing Reality: Our Lives with Mage: The Ascension.”


“You want to import some Black Spiral Dancers?”


“I know!  We could google Marcus!”


“If we ripped out Marcus’ Avatar, would that hurt him as a person?”


“So you’re saying you want to fleshcraft all of your characters together?”


“…So in a way, Ripple, you’re actually dating your son.”

“Shut up.”


“We seem to be trying to save the universe in the most roundabout way possible.”


“When did you become your father’s mother?”


“Oh, so she gets the finger from Ahreen and I don’t?  Apparently, I’m unfingerable.”


“Does it have a dance floor?”

“No!  It’s a bedroom!”

“My bedroom at home has a dance floor.”

“Well, this bedroom isn’t on crack.”


“Yeah, ‘cause I threatened your raisin!  I mean, raven!”


“Hey, Marcus!  I’ll give you a dollar to go through the Caul!”


Iain gets ahold of Andy’s character sheet and modifys it:

“My Nature is Boogers, my Demeanor is Boogers, I’ve got boogers for experience, and I’m a Weaver-lover.”


“I’m looking for the ooga-booga!”


“Mike, you need to just stop reading books.”


“Bria, you know how your parents abandoned you in Mexico?  Well, they paid us to do the same thing to you in Moscow.”


“Yeah, you’d be doing this beautiful Do form and then she’d just kick you in the balls.”

“I don’t have balls.”

“That’s what Life magic is for.”


“So they mount their horses…”

“Wait!  When did we leave the apartment?”

“Um…you didn’t.”


“Were you successful, or is she dead?”


“Careful.  That bunny’s loaded.”


“Jenny’s character looks like a junkie.  She’s half Mexican, but she sounds like she’s black.”


“We don’t even know this kid!  Don’t offer him Legos just yet!”


“You and Bria’s dad can go do manly manuscript translating, or something.”


“What is it with you tonight?  Suddenly, you just want everything to mate.”


“I just don’t want the cute little kid to die!”

“If you don’t want him to die, get him as far away from us as possible.”


“Dude, my boyfriend’s a bastard!”

“Really?  My boyfriend’s a bastard, too!”

“Bastard bond!  Ooooooooh!”


“You’re great.  No blood at all.”

“Even in your veins!”


“Good thing I’m wearing my unitard under this dress.”

“Yeah, because it can speed up time!”


“Heh.  You have a date with your dad.”


“It doesn’t strike you as tasting like blood.  It tastes…”

“Like chicken!”


“We’re mages!  Let’s throw rocks!”


“She has a pigeon made entirely of kinetic energy.  It got, like, shot out of a cannon.”


“The next day, the front page of the paper is like, ‘Amazing Woman Miraculously Turns Pigeons Into Cheese!’”


“Wait a minute.  How is a goat like a moneychanger?”


“You’re boinking one of their people!  They have to be nice to you!”


“That would be implying that instead of a penis, he has a modem.”


“Your penis can be anything, as long as it’s made of liquid metal!  And then it shows Arnold Schwarzenegger shooting at your penis, only your penis is like (slurp)!”


“Excuse me, can we borrow some Technocrats?”


“Marcus is our flamethrower!”


“I bring him some Turkish Delight.  The good kind, not the sucky kind.  No sucky Turkish Delight for this vampire!”


“Ssshh!  It’s Japanese funny talk!”


“I accidentally called you a man.  I’m sorry.”


“See, Wolfie?  You can spread your egg now!”


“Cool!  I can ride my familiar!”


“They become Cultists for me.  Wow.”

“Well, you did save the world.”


“No, I’m sure they remember that the world was saved.  I’m just amazed that they remember Michael did it.”


“You should turn your monkey into a familiar and teach it to shit dollar bills!”


“Who else can bend over and pull a $100 bill out of his ass?  Mar-cus!  Mar-cus!”


“Roll a save vs. penguins.”


“Are there any vampiric dogs?”


“Pi-cha, pi-cha!  I’m from Japan.  I have to take pictures.”


“…Because anyone named after an adjective has got to be evil.”


“Yeah, we could have mages and kuei-jin living in harmony.  She could just, like, breed a whole bunch of them.”


“Are there any dungeons there?  Because if there are any dungeons there, I want to do them!”


“Excuse me, are you Awakened?”


“I’m so tired of dealing with creepy people.”


“I want to know what it is that you want.  That’s all that I want.”


“I’ve got Spirit!”

“Yes, you do.”


“Ra Lei, your ‘to kill’ list is getting a little long, don’t you think?”


“I’d like to turn into a superhero called Captain Unitard.”


“In the name of the Traditions, I will punish you!”


“Here’s a celebrity deathmatch for you: Ahreen, a Virtual Adept, an ex-Technocrat, and the Lord of the Necropolis.”


“Right now, Mike, you represent evil shadowy cloudy smoky guy, and it makes me want to shoot you.”


“Man, if I had my third point in Life right now, I could make my thing bigger.”


“These people don’t really want to get near a burning forest.  They’re kind of weird that way.”


“Seven rounds?  He’ll be, like, on top of you humping you in seven rounds.”


“Can I trash-talk him?  In Enochian?”


“Oh, the angst of being normal!”


“I have a big stick, and I’m not afraid to use it.”


“Well, the plus side is, you’re alive.  The downside is, ten years from now, you’re promised to a large Russian man.”


“So, yeah, I transported in my gargantuan form.  Is there anything there for me to club?”


“Jennifer does it with holograms!”

“And Ripple does it with dead people.”


“Do I recognize this woman?”

“Well, you’d probably recognize her better if she was naked.”


“Would you feel better if I checked to see if he was dark-roasted?”


“It’s made out of matter?  NO SHIT!”


“She said we’d protect him.  That means he’s screwed.”


“Autochthonia could be our opera house!”


Wise words from Takahashi:

“When people are angry, they tend to get stupid.”


“…And, if all goes well, things will basically be the same way they are now.  Without the impending doom.”


“We have to go to Hell.  But I talked to Lucifer…”

“I fucking quit.”


“No, Jennifer!  You can’t leave me alone with the NPCs!”


“Turing-mon digivolve into Digital-Web-mon!”


“Your Cultists want to have an orgy.”

“What are my Verbena doing?”

“They’re having an orgy.  With the Cultists.”


Ripple, trying to recap the story of the Good Ship Autobus to Jonathan D:

“So we had to fight the scary guy after the rug tried to eat me…”


“Oh, he backlashed like a mole.  I mean, like the wolf.”


“So Wan is a cow from Colombia?”

“Yeah, he squeezes his udders and drugs come out.”


“Can I sell them unitards that say ‘I hugged Ripple?’”


“Paul’s penis is the most beautiful flower in the world?”

“It’s a perennial.  It only comes once a year.”


“I have a question.  Do snails get motion sickness?”


“We need you to take us to Neptune.”

“No!  We must go to the Gamma Fallopian Star Quadrant!”


“…And I get to call you Uhura, because you’re stupid!”


“Essentially, the contents of the data bass…I mean…database…”


“Mr. Sulu…Warp 12!”

“Wait, there is no Warp 12.”

“Only Zuul!”

“Actually, in the original series it was possible.  It wasn’t until The Next Generation that they decide anything 10 or over was purely theoretical.”

(Long, awkward pause.)

“That’s why you’re a nerd.”


“Can I sit on his shoulders?”

“No, it’s very streamlined.”

“His shoulders?”

“No, the ship.”

“He’s got those streamlined shoulders.  That’s what women look for.”

“So you can slip in and out of the water like a fish!”

“Like a data bass?”


“What’s binary code for ‘Tom?’”


“You exit the ship?  30 HIT Marks jump you!  No, just kidding.”

“They’re bearing gifts!  Frankincense and myrrh!  And motor oil!”


“Are there any single Technocrats walking around?”

“You looking for a date?”


“Beholders!  Oops, wrong game.”


“Is there any way I could dance up the ladder?”

“Um…if you were on acid.”


“I’m gonna try the ‘Oh, Wan!’ trick.”


“Oh, they’re helping us?  I love when people do that, even when we have to kill them later.”


“Okay, I’m, like, shimmying in the air and going ‘Ugh!  Ugh!  Ugh!’ at the same time.”


“Sector A-5.”

“You sunk my battleship!”


“You both got away?  Was this a new plot twist that happened while I was in the can?”


“Can’t I just piss into your Bag of Holding?”


“It’s not my fault that dead people just flock to me!”


“I’m a mumunomagumunous Cultist.”


“He’ll get us out, but we had to promise him sex with green space women.”

“Well, Ra Lei, looks like we’ll have to turn you green.”

“You’re the Cultist!”

“But you’re the only unattached female!”

“When has that ever mattered before?”


“So if you can find a spirit of pushing who really wants to push things…”


“So if there was someone on the ship, you were going to stay there?”

(Rachel spits a Shock Tart halfway across the room in response.)


“Actually, it makes more sense for Jennifer to have it.  She can go through the data basses…”


“How far away from this is me?”


“Technocratic baby toys.  Pop goes the HIT Mark!”


“Oh, meat.  The nectar of the gods.”


“I turn the hot tub of holding inside out…”


“Yes, you’re very brave.  You dumbass.”


“Now, our next problem is figuring out how to get Ahreen to possess Takahashi.”

“Come on in, Ahreen!  There’s candy in my brain!”


“I need a drink.  Fill me up, Scotty!”


“Heh.  Ripple wants to do it with every sphere.”


“Did you just tell her that she sucks at being a Nephandi?”


“Why don’t you drop the circle and we’ll talk.”

“Why don’t we just talk first?”

“Why don’t you drop the circle first?”

“Because you’re in there, and we’re out here, so we can just wait until you rot.  And then we wouldn’t have anything to talk about, would we?”


“Did he botch?”

“Unfortunately, he succeeded.”

“Unfortunately for you, or for us?”

“All three.”


“He’s got no dick.”

“And you definitely want a dick!”


“I’m sorry, but the Technocracy tends to frown upon blatant displays of dick-waving.”


“So, yeah, we’ve got this really bad thing going on called the Inquisition…our numbers are dropping because of death…”


“Wonderful.  We’re in the Mall of Hermetica.”


“Did you just say, ‘I thought the Order of Hermes was supposed to be fair?’  What kind of crack are you smoking?”


“Are you saying I’m a sex geek?”


“He found a hunter, and he put a planimal inside of him.”

“Oh, for God’s sake.”


“You’ll be laughing until you get giggled.  I mean, gilguled.”


“Aleister Crowley had a lot of names, most of them four letters.”


“You so cannot tape over reality.”


“So it’s a lovely combination of Species alien, Wayward, werewolf, buff-ass necromancer, and my own worst nightmare?  Thanks a lot, Mike.”


“It’s a name.  Amnusis.”

“If you rearrange the letters, that spells Al-Ashwad!”


“So, is this guy just the fall guy for the guy with all the testicles?”


“Do you know how many clubs there are in the World of Darkness?  There’s one on every street corner.  They’re like inns in AD&D.”


“They say they saw the guy in a club called Ulysess…sz.  Zzzz.  Szzzszzz.”


“We’re looking for a guy who’s seven feet tall.  (pause, then with great certainty)  And seven feet wide.”


“He’s a square!”


“So we walk out on the dance floor and start looking for a guy.”

“Think this could be called a square dance?”

“Yeah, does he do the box step?”

“All I know is, he doesn’t cut any corners.”


“She’s drunk on baby!”


“It’s her meat bag of holding!”


“I want a bobblehead doll of Emperor Hirohito!”


“I say we wait outside his office, gather successes, and then knock on the door.”


“It’s not combat!  It’s dairy farming!”


“I like babies.  They make good pot roast.”


“Ah, you know they love each other by the endearing names they use for each other.  Like ‘bastard’ and ‘stupid.’”


“We should call Saelic and get him to use his scary Hermetic dick-waving powers.”


“He’s a square mole in a round hole!”

“He’s a walking paradox!”


“Would you consider Marcus to be a good example of a member of the Order of Hermes.”

“Oh, yeah.  He’s a damn fine asshole.”


“You’re saying his name could be Chance Marcus Shaggoth?  Oh, my God.  We finally found a worse name than Chance Marcus Larson.”


“Hermetics kill famous people all the time!”

“Like Elvis!”


“It’s socially acceptable for you to be a slut.  You’re a computer geek.”


“Wait a minute.  Are you seriously going to become a Hermetic?”




“What spheres do we need to open a gateway to hell?”

“Um…sounds like the department of bad ideas to me, Christie.”


“No, she wouldn’t go to hell if she died.  She’d hve to do something really bad first, like robbing a liquor store.”


“Hey, there’s nothing keeping you from going around wearing a banner that says ‘Queen Of Hell’ and teaching illiterate children to read!”


“Who the hell is in our house?”

“Alan Turing.”

(pause)  “Bitch.”


“Alan Turing just insulted me!  But in Bizarro-World, that means that he likes me!”


“That’s his paradigm?  A Budweiser commercial?”


“He looks pleased.  Well, as pleased as a black, gooey mass of stuff can look.”


“Pri-i-i-ime…is on my side…”


“Do you have your gun, or do you have your gun?”


“You wouldn’t punch a pregnant man, would you?”


“Oh, Ripple always gets picked on?  I’m suffering eternal pain for you people.  I’d like that to be noted in the future.”


Cast of Characters:
Christie Mallory, a Hermetic stage magician. Has an evil cat familiar (Circe), a kuei-jin boyfriend (Takeshi), a screwed-up mentor (Saelic), and lots of secrets. Played by Anne.
Jennifer Monroe-Kennedy, a Virtual Adept conspiracy theorist with a bizarre past. Hopelessly in love with Gabriel despite the fact that he is technically dead. Played by Beth.
Michael Lyrnus, an ex-Iteration X member. Enjoys tinkering with Amy (his killer robot) and trying to make a name for himself despite his ridiculously high Arcane rating. Played by Andy.
Ra Lei, a Japanese Akashic Brother. Wants to protect Takahashi and take down the Technocracy, not necessarily in that order. Played by Caly.
Ripple, a Cultist of Ecstasy hippie dancer. Girlfriend of Marcus, student of Timber, and mother of Chance Marcus Larson. Who knows how any of those will be used against her in the future. Played by Rachel.
Takahashi, a nine-and-a-half-year-old Orphan. Began life as a failed Technocratic experiment meant to be possessed by Alan Turing, but is now safe in a body all his own. Played by Iain.
Tim, an incredibly cute and innocent eight-year-old Virtual Adept (what’s up with these child mages?). Seems to be working for mysterious entities beyond our control or comprehension. Yup, we’re all screwed. Played by Sean.
Storyteller: Mike.

Fallen Comrades:
Bria May, a Hollow One street urchin. Left the cabal after completing a lengthy search for the parents who abandoned her. Played by Jenny.
Cameron “Saxon” Williams, a Verbena and the king of all the hoboes. Decided he had nothing in common with the cabal and left to live with his friends the Crombeys. Played by Iain.
Isabella, a Lasombra vampire who used to be a Celestial Chorist named Maria Montoya. Chose to leave the cabal to pursue her own goals. Played by Anne.
James, a seven-year-old Orphan. Stayed at Horizon. Played by Noel.
Dr. Kenley Chial, a mad biologist Son of Ether. Left the cabal to raise a family with her mentor and husband, Dr. Joe Mau. Played by Missy.
Kyler, an ex-Syndicate member. Stayed at Horizon. Played by Andy.
Teal Williams, a Celestial Chorist. Stayed at Horizon. Played by Nikki, who is a Dreamspeaker.
Wan, a Chinese bureaucrat and Akashic Brother. Has left the cabal proper because after obtaining some essential information from Lo Pan, he will now be working for said reformed Nephandi for a LONG time. Played by Paul.