Mage: The Ascension (Dabu Six) Quotes


"The thing is following you around like a huge, bulbous, leechy puppy dog--but a puppy dog all the same."


"I love jumping in the big tooth anus!"


"Well, that's another thing I'd like to mention, because most of you are only wearing pants."


"You speed read the Necronomicon?"


The number-one thing you NEVER want to hear your GM say:

"Have you guys ever seen 'Alien?'"


"She was the hottest quadriplegic ever.  She could get a job at any Wal-Mart she wanted."


"Let's go visit Lord HOO-wah!"


"You see a woman sitting on the floor of Lord Huo's palace.  She appears to be meditating.  Oh, and she's made entirely of fire."

"Wow...she's HOT!"  (Malakai then gains bad pun Paradox points)


"Well...I guess I'm being fed upon."


"...Although it can be withdrawn from any orifice."


"The Blood Sutras?  Sounds like a great beach read."


"You'd just walk up to the kuei-jin and be like, ooh, take me now!"


What Mike will never live down:

"You come to a castle.  Well, not a CASTLE castle, you know, a Japanese castle like the other castle, but the kind of castle you guys would think of as a castle.  (pause)  Okay, I said castle one too many times..."


Song of the singing, dancing, blank character sheet (believe me, you don't want to know):

"Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal..."


The story of Vivaine's life:

"What the..." (thud)


"We're not in fat hell, are we?"


The comment that single-handedly gave me those 5 points of Jhor:

"They ARE the Keebler elves in purgatory!"


"I wish I were dead.  Get me some cabbage and lime juice."


"So he takes you down into the sub-orchestra pit where they keep the percussion equipment..."  (chaos ensues)


"Don't make me assume my demon form!"


"From now on I'm going to begin every conversation with, 'I remember hell...'"


"You...didn'!"  (with accompanying hand gestures...use your imagination)


"May I inquire as to who your father is?"


"Can you come and whale on me with your sword for awhile?  I need to regain some demon chi."

"Ah, man...can I just immolate you instead?"


"Just whack me a couple of times.  Four times, to be exact."


After gutting about 15 werewolves, the ST asks us what we're doing next:

"Well, now I guess we'll go back to town and go to church."


"Yeah, human sacrifices are being performed in the sub-orchestra pit."


"Well, I have to admit that after meeting these archmagi, I feel a whole lot better about myself..."


"Mike, could I buy a cow, put it in a bank, and earn seven percent interest on it?"


"He'll be the kind of person who loves me for who I am--a lesbian temptress!"


"I want you to kill your son.  I don't have a son!  Wah-chick-a-wah-wah..."


"Take comfort that it can't be a virgin sacrifice."


"Good morning Paradox, Vivaine says hello!"


"We're playing ding-dong-ditch with the Nephandi!"


"Let's all hold hands and sing 'Kum Ba Ya' and blow the frickin' house down!"


"Your breasts may be one point more perfectly formed, but mine are still nice!"


"Kaitlen isn't a good Euthanatos name.  It's not evil enough."

"Well, what do you want her to call herself?  Living Dead Girl?"

"I am NOT naming my character after a Rob Zombie song!"


"Let's make it very obvious where we're going to be for the next 600 years."


"Are they not at all fazed by the fact that I'm 12 feet tall with 6 arms?"


"I'm just gonna go back and whore myself out for some good water."

“Alternatively, you could whore your cow out for good water.”


"Did the archmaster of Time say where the amulet came from?"

"I don't think he said anything beyond, 'gurgle, gurgle, oh I'm dying.'"


"Have you seen this avatar?"


"Okay, when the Cultist of Ecstasy tells me I have strange fetishes, something's amiss."


"I'm from Wisconsin.  Everything's about cheese flows."


"...And the Storyteller's blood will water the battlefields of France..."


"More forest...more forest...after a day it gets really cold..."


"What spheres would it take to rewrite every history book to say that the first people to circumnavigate the globe were three mages and a kuei-jin?"

(It's true...Cui, Kaitlen, Malakai, and Vivaine flew around the world in the year 1022 AD...don't ask.)


“Wow, she’s hot!  And she’s a graverobber!”


(referring to a tree)  “Does it caress you?”

“I could make it caress me.”


“You can’t just stare at the door and hope it will decay!”


“Omigod, I think it’s a thing!”


“Don’t blow up Mr. Tzimisce’s house!”


“You just pass out in your pig.”


“Compared to the sofas around here, it’s pretty intelligent.”


“His features are masked with a tad bit of pissed-offed-ness.”


“He cocks his head to the side...”

“In public?!”


“Did somebody say BLOOOOOOOOOD?”


“That’s quite a boil!  How do you sleep at night?”


“It’s kind of like a Freudian sofa...”


“We all remember hell, dickweed.”


“I can’t believe we created the first Nephandi.  We’d better keep that one on the Q.T.”


As we read about the Order of Hermes’ last attempt to defeat Al-Ashwad:

“You get the feeling that a lot of fire was involved...”


“Basically it was a direct pathway to That Which Should Not Be.”


“You touch the door?  Okay, soak eight.”


“What would Cui be interested in?  How about flesh-eating bugs?  Do you want some flesh-eating bugs?”


“The antediluvian comes up and cuts off your friend’s head.  What do you do?”

“I contemplate life.”


“How many times do we have to witness the end of the world, anyway?”

“Um...don’t ask.”


“I have a 4 in Do!  I could ingest a rock if I wanted to!”


“How does Cui know what spinal fluid smells like?”

“He remembers hell.”


“I’m not sure we’re addressing the real problem of how to get through the open, unlocked door.”

“Actually, we’re saving that for next session.”


“I’ve got it!  Why don’t we rip a hole in the wall next to the open door?”

(Sadly enough, this was said with complete seriousness...)


“I can’t believe I’m gathering successes to turn a wall into cheese.”


“Hey, it’s not my problem I can’t control my P’o!”


“Life goes in, essence comes out!  That’s what killing Avatars is all about!”


“Given the slight smile on the Storyteller’s face, I think we should pick the other door.”


Cui’s dark side takes over his consciousness:

“What’s your shadow nature?”


“Ah, thanks, Paul, good to know.”


Paul begins to read the description of his dark side to the group:

“The Demon seeks to devour all.”


“I don’t eat human flesh, and I don’t sleep in beds that are alive.”

“Aw, you’re no fun.”


“Hi!  Are you the screaming fat thing?”


“We want more Paradox!  We’re kamikaze mages!”


The Dabu Six’s goal of killing Al-Ashwad freaks out Aeoli:

“You said you were looking for someone?”


“Then you mentioned Al-Ashwad?”

“Yes.  Put it together.”


Someone knocks on Aeoli’s door as Kaitlen explains the Dabu Six’s goal:

“As long as your name doesn’t start in Al and end in Ashwad, come in!”


“Dear God.  You really are searching for Al-Ashwad, aren’t you?”

“Well, actually, he’s searching for us.  Oops!  Said too much.  So...wanna hang out with us?”


“Mark my words, something will be turned to cheese before the night is over!”  (Something was.)


“I wanna kill someone!  Where’s Tremere?”


“So now it’s Kentucky vozhd critter?”


“Vivaine is the 324-year-old virgin!”


“You just touched down in the Delaware of the Malkavian’s brain.”


“Just because he’s the first Nephandi doesn’t give him the right to push us around!  We’re better than he is!”  (The ST chokes on his pizza.)


“I assume my demon form and tell them I’m the halftime entertainment.”


“The Convention of Thorns, huh?  Is that anything like a Star Trek convention?”


“Caine’s trying to be a Malkavian?”


“Hey, way to piss off the antediluvians, guys!”


“Filibustering in front of the antediluvians.  How many times have we all done that?”


“I noticed your presence.”

“Well, it was kind of hard to miss, what with the fireball and all.”


“Vote no on Proposition 214—the Camarilla!”


“He offers you anything that could possibly appeal to a human being.”

(pause)  “Okay.”


“Would you really want free arete points from the Nephandi?  I don’t think so.”


“Hey, what-the-slurp!”


“Maybe Al-Ashwad really just needs to be loved!”


“Are all of his techniques from now on going to burn with the fires of hell?”


“If you’re happy and you know it, raise your stats!”


“...Or as you’re slowly flaying the skin off your latest victim, does that one last remaining shred of humanity continue to scream out?”
(long pause)  “So do you want to have a kid or not?”


“This isn’t a LARP, it’s a sub-LARP.”


“Columbus isn’t a Nephandi!”


“I claim this land in the name of destruction and”


“We’re flipping off the New World!”


“That’s why you should never Embrace a moth.”


“I’m a goat!  Look at me!  Whoo!”


“They all died of scurvy.  Scurvy that blew them up from the inside and drained them of all their blood.”


“You see those pinpricks in their necks?  Ship squirrels did this.  I’d bet my life on it.”


“My wife can put a family curse on your ass so fast...”


“Ya know, that Columbus wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t have that damn Grail shoved inside him...”


“...And you guys are all like, la de da, I’m growing my skin back...”


“Feliz Navidad...but yeah, we’re in the Caribbean now.”


“As if grubbing for XP weren’t bad enough, now you’re grubbing for true love points?”


“It’s my magic beat stick of you-stay-awake.”


“Would you quit calling him Christopher Columbutt?”


“Little-known fact: Rock ‘n’ roll equals human sacrifice.”


“Hey, with a 5 in Life I can metabolize alcohol faster than anyone!”


“I’m feeling the love right now!”

“Speaking of love, I’m carrying your child.”


“You’re pregnant?  Let’s go kill this guy!”


“Because I’m a traitorous Euthanatos bitch, that’s why.”


“Look!  A distraction!”


“As long as we’re gonna go down squishing, let’s do the gravity thing.”


“Hey, Al-Ashwad, you look tired.  Why don’t you just sleep for a few moments while I guard you with this obsidian knife?”


“We could just challenge him to basketball.  Loser forfeits his Avatar.”


“I’m attacking the destiny!”


“Wow.  I AM dabu.”


Kaitlen confronts Al-Ashwad for the last time:

“I suppose you always thought the world would die before you, didn’t you?  Well, after chasing you for centuries, we’ve certainly learned to appreciate a good surprise.  Have you?”


“Give the demon some room!”


“Spiritual forces beating on a pregnant woman?  Have they no shame?”


“Hey, you’ve got the Womb of Steel!”


Malkav/Troy’s parting words to us:

“Gosh, you’re cute when you think you have any control over the world.”


The perfect ending to the Dabu Six chronicle:

“Um, I hate to bring up this trivial point again, but can I have my body back?”