Mage: The Ascension (Dabu Six) Quotes
"I love jumping in the big tooth anus!"
"Well, that's another thing I'd like to mention, because most of you are only wearing pants."
"You speed read the Necronomicon?"
The
number-one thing you NEVER want to hear your GM say:
"Have you guys ever seen 'Alien?'"
"She
was the hottest quadriplegic ever. She could get
a job at any Wal-Mart she wanted."
"Let's
go visit Lord HOO-wah!"
"You
see a woman sitting on the floor of Lord Huo's palace.
She appears to be meditating. Oh, and she's
made entirely of fire."
"Wow...she's
HOT!" (Malakai then gains bad pun Paradox points)
"Well...I
guess I'm being fed upon."
"...Although
it can be withdrawn from any orifice."
"The
Blood Sutras? Sounds like a great beach read."
"You'd
just walk up to the kuei-jin and be like, ooh, take me now!"
What
Mike will never live down:
"You
come to a castle. Well, not a CASTLE castle, you
know, a Japanese castle like the other castle, but the kind of castle you
guys would think of as a castle. (pause)
Okay, I said castle one too many times..."
Song
of the singing, dancing, blank character sheet (believe me, you don't want
to know):
"Hello
my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal..."
The
story of Vivaine's life:
"What
the..." (thud)
"We're
not in fat hell, are we?"
The
comment that single-handedly gave me those 5 points of Jhor:
"They
ARE the Keebler elves in purgatory!"
"I
wish I were dead. Get me some cabbage and lime
juice."
"So
he takes you down into the sub-orchestra pit where they keep the percussion
equipment..." (chaos ensues)
"Don't
make me assume my demon form!"
"From
now on I'm going to begin every conversation with, 'I remember hell...'"
"You...didn't...BEAT...it...enough!"
(with accompanying hand gestures...use your imagination)
"May
I inquire as to who your father is?"
"Can
you come and whale on me with your sword for awhile?
I need to regain some demon chi."
"Ah,
man...can I just immolate you instead?"
"Just
whack me a couple of times. Four times, to be
exact."
After
gutting about 15 werewolves, the ST asks us what we're doing next:
"Well,
now I guess we'll go back to town and go to church."
"Yeah,
human sacrifices are being performed in the sub-orchestra pit."
"Well,
I have to admit that after meeting these archmagi, I feel a whole lot better
about myself..."
"Mike,
could I buy a cow, put it in a bank, and earn seven percent interest on it?"
"He'll
be the kind of person who loves me for who I am--a lesbian temptress!"
"I
want you to kill your son. I don't have a son!
Wah-chick-a-wah-wah..."
"Take
comfort that it can't be a virgin sacrifice."
"Good
morning Paradox, Vivaine says hello!"
"We're
playing ding-dong-ditch with the Nephandi!"
"Let's
all hold hands and sing 'Kum Ba Ya' and blow the frickin' house down!"
"Your
breasts may be one point more perfectly formed, but mine are still nice!"
"Kaitlen
isn't a good Euthanatos name. It's not evil enough."
"Well,
what do you want her to call herself? Living Dead
Girl?"
"I
am NOT naming my character after a Rob Zombie song!"
"Let's
make it very obvious where we're going to be for the next 600 years."
"Are
they not at all fazed by the fact that I'm 12 feet tall with 6 arms?"
"I'm
just gonna go back and whore myself out for some good water."
“Alternatively,
you could whore your cow out for good water.”
"Did
the archmaster of Time say where the amulet came from?"
"I
don't think he said anything beyond, 'gurgle, gurgle, oh I'm dying.'"
"Have
you seen this avatar?"
"Okay,
when the Cultist of Ecstasy tells me I have strange fetishes, something's
amiss."
"I'm
from Wisconsin. Everything's about cheese flows."
"...And
the Storyteller's blood will water the battlefields of France..."
"More
forest...more forest...after a day it gets really cold..."
"What
spheres would it take to rewrite every history book to say that the first
people to circumnavigate the globe were three mages and a kuei-jin?"
(It's
true...Cui, Kaitlen, Malakai, and Vivaine flew around the world in the year
1022 AD...don't ask.)
“Wow,
she’s hot! And she’s a graverobber!”
(referring
to a tree) “Does
it caress you?”
“I
could make it caress me.”
“You
can’t just stare at the door and hope it will decay!”
“Omigod,
I think it’s a thing!”
“Don’t
blow up Mr. Tzimisce’s house!”
“You
just pass out in your pig.”
“Compared
to the sofas around here, it’s pretty intelligent.”
“His
features are masked with a tad bit of pissed-offed-ness.”
“He
cocks his head to the side...”
“In
public?!”
“Did
somebody say BLOOOOOOOOOD?”
“That’s
quite a boil! How do you sleep at night?”
“It’s
kind of like a Freudian sofa...”
“We
all remember hell, dickweed.”
“I
can’t believe we created the first Nephandi. We’d
better keep that one on the Q.T.”
As
we read about the Order of Hermes’ last attempt to defeat Al-Ashwad:
“You
get the feeling that a lot of fire was involved...”
“Basically
it was a direct pathway to That Which Should Not Be.”
“You
touch the door? Okay, soak eight.”
“What
would Cui be interested in? How about flesh-eating
bugs? Do you want some flesh-eating bugs?”
“The
antediluvian comes up and cuts off your friend’s head.
What do you do?”
“I
contemplate life.”
“How
many times do we have to witness the end of the world, anyway?”
“Um...don’t
ask.”
“I
have a 4 in Do! I could ingest a rock if I wanted
to!”
“How
does Cui know what spinal fluid smells like?”
“He
remembers hell.”
“I’m
not sure we’re addressing the real problem of how to get through the open,
unlocked door.”
“Actually,
we’re saving that for next session.”
“I’ve
got it! Why don’t we rip a hole in the wall next
to the open door?”
(Sadly
enough, this was said with complete seriousness...)
“I
can’t believe I’m gathering successes to turn a wall into cheese.”
“Hey,
it’s not my problem I can’t control my P’o!”
“Life
goes in, essence comes out! That’s what killing
Avatars is all about!”
“Given
the slight smile on the Storyteller’s face, I think we should pick the other
door.”
Cui’s
dark side takes over his consciousness:
“What’s
your shadow nature?”
“Demon.”
“Ah,
thanks, Paul, good to know.”
Paul
begins to read the description of his dark side to the group:
“The
Demon seeks to devour all.”
“I
don’t eat human flesh, and I don’t sleep in beds that are alive.”
“Aw,
you’re no fun.”
“Hi!
Are you the screaming fat thing?”
“We
want more Paradox! We’re kamikaze mages!”
The
Dabu Six’s goal of killing Al-Ashwad freaks out Aeoli:
“You
said you were looking for someone?”
“Yes.”
“Then
you mentioned Al-Ashwad?”
“Yes.
Put it together.”
Someone
knocks on Aeoli’s door as Kaitlen explains the Dabu Six’s goal:
“As
long as your name doesn’t start in Al and end in Ashwad, come in!”
“Dear
God. You really are searching for Al-Ashwad, aren’t
you?”
“Well,
actually, he’s searching for us. Oops!
Said too much. So...wanna hang out with
us?”
“Mark
my words, something will be turned to cheese before the night is over!”
(Something was.)
“I
wanna kill someone! Where’s Tremere?”
“So
now it’s Kentucky vozhd critter?”
“Vivaine
is the 324-year-old virgin!”
“You
just touched down in the Delaware of the Malkavian’s brain.”
“Just
because he’s the first Nephandi doesn’t give him the right to push us around!
We’re better than he is!” (The ST chokes
on his pizza.)
“I
assume my demon form and tell them I’m the halftime entertainment.”
“The
Convention of Thorns, huh? Is that anything like
a Star Trek convention?”
“Caine’s
trying to be a Malkavian?”
“Hey,
way to piss off the antediluvians, guys!”
“Filibustering
in front of the antediluvians. How many times
have we all done that?”
“I
noticed your presence.”
“Well,
it was kind of hard to miss, what with the fireball and all.”
“Vote
no on Proposition 214—the Camarilla!”
“He
offers you anything that could possibly appeal to a human being.”
(pause)
“Okay.”
“Would
you really want free arete points from the Nephandi?
I don’t think so.”
“Hey,
what-the-slurp!”
“Maybe
Al-Ashwad really just needs to be loved!”
“Are
all of his techniques from now on going to burn with the fires of hell?”
“If
you’re happy and you know it, raise your stats!”
“...Or
as you’re slowly flaying the skin off your latest victim, does that one last
remaining shred of humanity continue to scream out?”
(long pause) “So do you want to have a
kid or not?”
“This
isn’t a LARP, it’s a sub-LARP.”
“Columbus
isn’t a Nephandi!”
“I
claim this land in the name of destruction and armageddo...oh...um...Spain.”
“We’re
flipping off the New World!”
“That’s
why you should never Embrace a moth.”
“I’m
a goat! Look at me! Whoo!”
“They
all died of scurvy. Scurvy that blew them up from
the inside and drained them of all their blood.”
“You
see those pinpricks in their necks? Ship squirrels
did this. I’d bet my life on it.”
“My wife can put a family curse on your ass so fast...”
“Ya know, that Columbus wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t have that damn Grail shoved inside him...”
“...And you guys are all like, la de da, I’m growing my skin back...”
“Feliz Navidad...but yeah, we’re in the Caribbean now.”
“As if grubbing for XP weren’t bad enough, now you’re grubbing for true love points?”
“It’s my magic beat stick of you-stay-awake.”
“Would you quit calling him Christopher Columbutt?”
“Little-known fact: Rock ‘n’ roll equals human sacrifice.”
“Hey, with a 5 in Life I can metabolize alcohol faster than anyone!”
“I’m feeling the love right now!”
“Speaking of love, I’m carrying your child.”
“You’re pregnant? Let’s go kill this guy!”
“Because I’m a traitorous Euthanatos bitch, that’s why.”
“Look! A distraction!”
“As long as we’re gonna go down squishing, let’s do the gravity thing.”
“Hey, Al-Ashwad, you look tired. Why don’t you just sleep for a few moments while I guard you with this obsidian knife?”
“We could just challenge him to basketball. Loser forfeits his Avatar.”
“I’m attacking the destiny!”
“Wow. I AM dabu.”
Kaitlen confronts Al-Ashwad for the last time:
“I suppose you always thought the world would die before you, didn’t you? Well, after chasing you for centuries, we’ve certainly learned to appreciate a good surprise. Have you?”
“Give the demon some room!”
“Spiritual forces beating on a pregnant woman? Have they no shame?”
“Hey, you’ve got the Womb of Steel!”
Malkav/Troy’s parting words to us:
“Gosh, you’re cute when you think you have any control over the world.”
The perfect ending to the Dabu Six chronicle:
“Um, I hate to bring up this trivial point again, but can I have my body back?”