"I like my bracelet. It used to be a coffin."
"The Breaking of the Wind is a sacrament where I'm from."
"You're a demigod and his paladin. Or a paladin of the goddess that the demigod is demi of."
"That's the nice thing about being a paladin of the goddess of chaos.
As long as you don't blow up the temple, the goddess approves!"
"And sometimes, if you blow up the temple, the goddess still approves."
"Sheep be damned! He screws the old!"
"Wait, so now she's his sister and his grandma?"
"I make the ships how I think they should be made."
"Turd with legs."
"Hey. It's a designer turd with legs."
"He gave us an opening for the old people thing, yet for some reason, we're still on the sheep."
"Are you religious?"
"Do you worship a god?"
"What's his name?"
"I don't know."
"We are one dysfunctional adventuring party."
"Yes. And we talk about sphincters, and screwing old people goats."
"I power up the ship and start to fly it out of the mine shaft."
"This turd is now exiting the sphincter!"
"Got the turtle head pokin' out..."
"Ha ha, you don't have a dick! Wait a minute, I don't have one either."
"See, usually when you make a perfect warrior, you want to give it a really big wang."
[The demigod's players comment on finding out that out of all the male characters
in the party, he is the only one with a functioning penis.]
"Lucky for you guys, my dick is divine enough for all three of us."
"Right. He's practicing discipline forms, with his gloved fist."
"When all this is over, I am so going to write a bunch of songs based on our Legendary campaign and release them under the name Worse Than Chirprich."
"You. Strong one. Pull this."
"Pull my finger."
"The wind! It is breaking!"
[About the reason the Streik need to conquer everything.]
"It was probably just a misunderstanding. Since their language involves flipping everyone off, they flipped everyone off and got the crap beat out of them for it, so in response they started beating the crap out of everyone else."
"For 82,000 years."
"They're the goldfish people!"
"Don't piss them off, or they'll destroy you."
"Wait a minute. The only woman on the ship won't talk to him, so now he's going to go polish his gauntlet?"
[talking about one of the players' recent engagement]
"She's not technically your girlfriend anymore."
"No, it's an upgrade."
"A $500 upgrade."
"Yeah. It's like getting new rims."
"I'd do a fish maiden before I did a chick who was made out of wood. Splinters,
"It's your turn in the barrel!"
"When were we fighting children?"
"It's very specific in my background that I have a butt."
"Yes. Yes, it is."
"See, I used to run around, before I started wearing all this crap."
"And now you still run around, even though you're wearing all this crap."
"Maybe they're going to come help us, and pour hot oil on the babies."
"Heh. You gotta get your ship together."
"They're manning the back end!"
"Their anus is bleeding!"
"How much damage does your crossbow do?"
"Holy shit! Isn't it an Epic Aptitude just to get a +1?"
"No, it doesn't actually work that way. You see..."
"...Basically it came down to oral sex."
[massive and protracted laughter]
"Dude, it so did not. If it had, you know I would've held out to be able to keep the Aptitude that gave me multiple attacks. I'm not the type of girl who gives up that easily."
"I'm going to go question the sh...Shoemen? Shipmen? Crewmen?"
"Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Streik Empire?"
"You just got hit on by the Swiss Guard."
"I wan't getting my butt kicked."
"You were so! You were getting stabbed in the back by two-handed swords!"
"Dude, that would've killed me. Twice."
[says the chaos demigod] "I can organize. I worked on a fishing boat."
"Dramatic Aptitude to not get chicks pregnant! Or I could just cut my balls off and save the Aptitude."
"So is Gareth."
"Yeah, that's about how I feel about this NPC."
"...And now we have another ship!"
"I think that after Rasp, Chirprich just gave up on people and moved on to airships."
"So, does Noel do sheep or kids in every game he's in?"
"You see, rooms tend to shrink when you're casting fireball in them. The bigger the asshole, the smaller the room."
"I cast fireball!"
"Okay. You realize that this corridor is, like, 5 by 5 by 5, right?"
"...Did you just call me an asshole?"
"So looking at porn is now a sexuality?"
"No, it's now a gender."
"He should become fae, and then he could be the fairy ferry boatman."
"Shut up, Beth, you're ruining the plot!"
"I was so excited to go into battle last time! And then I wet myself and passed out."
"Does the guy look like he's in trouble?"
"He's impaled on the brake lever!"
"You punched his face off!"
"Lucy, what's going on? And why are you stabbing me all of a sudden?"
"It's like the Death Star."
"And Rasp is our proton torpedo."
[about the Lucys] "They're not actually people. They're biological weapons."
"I whip out my..."
"You can feel her rod against your chest..."
[singing] "Sai-Roh, Sai-Roh, it's off to work we go..."
"This chick is like the Terminator!"
"That's what the Lucy clones are supposed to be like. Well, not all of them. Some of them are just like, 'Me me ME me me!' and suck and fall over and die."
"Kind of like the one we've got."
"No, I think a spar is like a Davey Crockett spear. You know, like, 'Kilt
him a spar when he was only three.'"
[everyone sings] "Amon...Amon Goldfish. King of the wild frontier."
"Can I see the explosives table again?"
"Ah, the words that every GM longs to hear."
"We just can't seem to get on track tonight, and it's awesome!"
"Four Lucy clones? No way would we fight four Lucy clones."
"Yeah. We'd just stand back and lob weather at them."
"Yeah, the way to sneak into that hideout is to quit baiting me and fucking roleplay."
"Oh, shut up. She would totally wail on you if there was more than one of her and less than four of you."
"...Using my offensive version of Control Wind."
"You mean the one where you fart in people's faces?"
[After finding out that Amon draws power from getting hit by lightning and
Rasp draws power from getting beat up.]
"See, we need to get you a taser and me a stick."
"Um, no, he just got done ramming the Lucy."
"But if it's coming to this world, then they know about it already."
"Yes, but we win. [pause] I'm sorry. I did not just pull a Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure."
"This is Eric's forte, right here. A fortress of way too much knowledge."
[Rasp's internal monologue.]
"Why are they all grunting and growling at each other? I'm going to go make chicken. Where's my rock?"
"What's his name?"
"Phil for short."
"You have friends in this town?"
"Yes. Old friends. This is where I was found in a Dumpster."
"The master is ain't here."
"You see a mime. It's a lonely mime."
"This is a very interesting fantasy world, that has both Dumpsters and croissants."
"...And the next day, dragons are the scum of the Earth! I wipe my butt with them! [pause] Whoa."
"Okay, so I will impregnate the stone with..."
[Very long pause while everyone but Noel cracks up.]
"Yeah, that's right. I said impregnate. [yells through wall] IMPREGNATE!"
"Yes. On my home planet, we talk about artificing until we get off."
"How do people procreate on your planet, anyway?"
"By wishing it so."
"Oh yeah! Wish it so, baby! Wish it so!"
"It's going to be sweet when I grow my wings back."
"It's going to be sweet when I stop caring."
"It's going to be sweet when I no longer have a purpose in life and have to create one."
"The Fortress of Too Much Knowledge does not show up on your gaydar."
"I guess it's heterosexual, then."
"Yes. And the ships are gay, because Noel's character made them."
"As you go north, your gaydar does indeed start to go off..."
"When the gaydar goes off, who sees it?"
"Sai-Roh. He's very attuned to things like that."
[After ~10 minutes of jokes about homosexuality and pedophilia relating to
"...You see, it's funny, 'cause this is all completely true."
"What's your Larceny, Amon?"
"Well, roll it anyway. [under his breath, as dice are being picked up] Even though you're never going to make it."
[rolls] "Twenty. So, when you add in my Soul, that's a thirty."
"Yeah, Eric, what you just said? Never say that to Iain."
"I'm sure that the god of revelry fathered a lot of demigods. He probably had, like, ten penises."
"This is a very carefully constructed plan. How can we best put Rasp in harm's way?"
"We're like the Wizard of Oz adventuring party, here. He needs wings,
he needs testicles, you need your lover back, I need my individuality..."
"Yeah, and then we'd go see the wizard and he'd tell us those things were inside of us all along."
"And then we'd be like, 'Fuck you, bitch!' and kill him."
"I am cold."
"Do you want my clothes?"
"Well, that made the gaydar go off."
"I'm manning the back end!"
"I'm going to stand there rubbing his arms."
"...Yup, the gaydar is still going off."
"We just decided you can throw up your Chi points with Craft, and then somebody else can drink them!"
"Wait, you touch the door? Soak eight mice up the ass!"
"I like your library. It is very large."
"So we've been karmically destined by the forces of evil to the catalyst that allows them to conquer the multiverse? Fuck your Definition, man, I'm gonna go kill these guys."
"In exchange for ultimate power, I must perpetually fuck a dog."
"We're gonna have to get so much more powerful to fight these guys, and it's awesome!"
"So they land, and the Lucys get off..."
"They've been hanging out with people from Sai-Roh's world too much."
"You missed the masturbating clones."
"Does Lucy ever get sexually satisfied?"
"On this ship? Fuck no."
"If you have sex with a clone of yourself, is that incest or masturbation?"
"These other clones have, like, a 28.8 modem. 'Damn it, Chirprich, get off the phone!'"
"I guess that's what happens when you get Presence 15."
"You spend all your time on the phone?"
"There are only two things that I hate in the multiverse. One of them is clones of myself, and the other is mimes."
"I have a passion for sucking."
"That could mean a lot of different things."
"Yeah, and wouldn't the people on this ship like to know about that?"
"No, not really."
"When I'm down in the crevice, I find some mice and send them up their ass!"
"My chin misses its buddy, Cannonball."
[sings to the tune of "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds"] "Lucy
threw the sword at Amon..."
"Have I mentioned that I regret this character name?"
"Are you saying that you know more than the god of knowledge."
"No! Not about everything. But about certain things, yes."
"I'd rather dance with a hot guy than with an old lady." - Noel
"So, you want to sew a shield cozy?"
"You'll never know Chirprich the way I do!"
"You'll never know the way he feels inside your anus!"
"Your planet is a muddy puddle of teeth."
"My planet is the best planet ever!"
"Because you can molest people by wishing it so."
"And because voyeurism is a gender."
"Queer eye for the god guy."
"When we approach the city, does the gaydar show anything in a 50-mile
"We're looking for a guy named Bidgely. What do you think?"
"It looks like this ship was made by somebody much gayer than Sai-Roh."
[sings] "We all live in a penis submarine..."
"A giant vagina-shaped ship flies up behind it."
"So that's how they're getting these new airships!"
"What's the helmsman's name?"
"Maybe the Sai-Roh clones are smarter than the Lucys?"
"I don't think you've earned the right to talk to me like that."
"...The hilarious thing is, he just made you defend your clones."
"What does the ship run on?"
"The Lucy clone and the Sai-Roh clone having sex."
"The robe that I wear was recently in a tornado, so you'd better bet that anyone who's standing under me is getting a show."
"Wow. Civilization is really making a comeback if tuxedos are back in fashion."
"That's where Mike lives. On Big Cock Road."
"He comes out with a picture of what is obviously a uniform..."
"It's also obviously crotchless."
"The reason that we came here to talk to you is because we wanted to ask
you to join our alliance."
"But now that we've met you, we just changed our minds."
"He has a high Craft. He makes dresses so good, they can talk."
"Yeah. I did that once."
"Anything that grows in the spring, I can make."
"So, horny young men?"
"Bidgely, man the back end!"
"I'm way ahead of you!"
"Or behind you, as the case may be."
"They don't shake hands in the Realm. They just wish it so."
"Generally in an epic fantasy world, when two people who really don't
like each other get sealed into a dark, enclosed space together, there's only
one thing that can happen."
"Especially when one of them starts it out with, 'Come over here, there's something I want to show you.'"
"That's it. We're breaking into song and dance."
"It screws balls first!"
"Wait, there are quotes in that book that aren't about a penis or an ass?"
"Pobble eventually flies out, leaving a wake of horror and destruction in his wake."
"I'm kind of fixated on my own body."
"Oh, so am I."
"Are there any gods on this planet who don't hate you, Amon?"
[thinks] "Dark and Light, they don't mind me."
"Well, that's good, seeing as how we're always in one or the other."
"Dude, even I can't poo in five minutes."
"No, I'm not immune to it, because I do have a butt."
"That you oil on a regular basis?"
"No, Rasp does it for him."
"They're having a little disagreement about who will control all of the syphilis in Atsi..."
"Arm the cannons!"
"With what? Feces?"
"Talk about explosive diarrhea!"
"They're fraternal twins with different fathers?"
"What did I say? Our mom was a whore."
"Runny stools for all!"
"Dude, it's no problem. That whole thing, I totally missed it. Like, I was waiting for pizza, and it totally wasn't coming, 'cause it turns out there was some kind of god war going on! And when the pizza guy finally did show up, I was like, 'Dude, no tip for you. You're, like, 20 years late.' And he was like, 'Dude! I had to invent pizza first!'"
[Rasp, about his cooking "skills."]
"My Craft is 0, my Knowledge is 1, but I'm really excited about it."
"Very bad things are about to happen."
"Like the barbecued strawberry shark?"
"Everything's a little more dramatic here in Legendary, including our scabs and rashes."
"I have an infinite supply of pirates. They all have two hook arms, and two peg legs, and a monkey on one shoulder and a parrot on the other. And to top it off, an eyepatch. Over each eye."
"No, our Sai-Rohs were never here."
"Fuck! I just used one as a projectile!"
"Fuck! Where'd my giant cock go?"
"You guys just keep cock-blocking me left and right here, tonight."
[sings] "Sai-Roh, Sai-Roh, it's your turn now to go. So shoot some shit and blow it up. Sai-Roh, Sai-Roh."
"The Lucys take a defensive stance."
"Oh, that's okay. I've got plenty more natural 20s where that came from."
"I hate you. I just thought I'd point that out."
"The penis got penetrated? Ooh, there's a reversal."
"Having no skin is a skin condition, right?"
"This entire team is just a walking dick and fart joke."
"You violate its bowels most resoundingly."
"Dude, hit magma and I'll be the happiest fucker ever."
"This is what you get for inviting strange demigods into your adventuring party."
"Melmorg is just going to encourage the volcano, because he likes it."
"Damn! You mean the one that I'm standing in?"
"Well, as long as the volcano erupts, I consider this a win for me."
[Said with a complete lack of irony as a volcanic eruption, a hurricane, and
a tsunami are all taking place within the same one-mile radius.]
"Well, now that I see that things are quieting down..."
"I say that we defile their holy places."
"So before we go off to do this stupid, stupid thing that we're about
"Dude, it's Legendary. What else are we going to do?"
"I try to make strip mining as uncomfortable for the earth as possible."
"I open up a really wide hole just so I can pee in it!"
"As long as we've got an army of angry people hunting us down and demanding our deaths, it means our plan is working!"
"I picture him as being like Bluto in Animal House, only with the powers of a deity."
"I guess that if you live in a swamp that's forbidden, you might have to fuck a bat."
"I smoked crack once, but I didn't inhale!"
"This pipe is Doritos years old."
"You're getting felt up by your crack pipe."
"He must have had very interesting scrying for the last 300 years as a crack pipe."
"We'll work on this in 7 experience points."
"I'm going to screw around with my gaydar."
"You turned the gaydar into Google Gaydar!"
"You're going to beat us off?"
"I'm going to try. I'm going to be like, 'COME ON YOU STUPID ORANGE GUY, COME ALREADY!'"
"That would be one very well-disciplined large intestine."
"...shaping it within your bowels..."
"So it's a dozen airships against two guys? God, I love Legendary."
"You're giving your ship an erection?"
"Yes. A back erection."
[to Sai-Roh] "You're like a Play-Doh Fun Factory with arms and legs!"
"Is her schlong just massive, then?"
"So here's the deal. We'll give you all of our wives, including Rasp's hermaphrodite sister who is also his girlfriend."
"Oh, right. I forgot that the god has an initative."
"What Lucy needs to do is take control of the whole clone network and have them all pray for a pony."
"This pony's name shall be Death Screw!"
"So I guess then the enemies would be getting pony-zored?"
"I'm also reinforcing her hole so it doesn't close up."
"So what's the situation here? There's pillars above me, there's cum coming out of the walls..."
"...Because the earth god holds a grudge forever."
"Especially if you drill him in the ass with alien technology."
"Yes, I gently apply the giant hammer of chaos to the prostate of the earth god..."
"A napalm enema!"
"You guys are weird."
"Admit it, Nikki, you were thinking it too."
"I start trying to build a fire out of small rocks to cook a rock on."
"What is God doing?"
[After much laughter...]
"No, I really mean, what is God doing. 'Cause it's his turn."
"I can't believe I just spent 5 Heroism to cook a rock."
"You see, she was dropped on her head when she was wished to be so."
"It's like a Hogwarts frat party over here or something."
"I think that subconsciously this session, I *did* try to kill Chirprich."
"Now I have to tell my wife that I'm a god." [Sighs.]
"Everything's bigger down there!"
[About GMs abusing their power in World of Warcraft:]
"Yeah, well, that's what happens when 24-year-olds with no life end up in charge of thousands of little electronic people."
[The New Testament, as abridged by Iain:]
"I'm here to save you! Hey, look, a tree!" [thunk thunk]
"There really needs to be a Council of Religious Asshole Celebrities."
"Omigod. The acronym for that would be CRAC."
"Yes, we're going to spawn-camp an empire for eternity."
"Where's Rasp's sister?"
"She decided not to exist."
"Yeah. If I were Rasp's sister, I'd decide not to exist, too."
"You gotta wonder what her voice is like."
"It's really sensual and sometimes it cracks."
"Hairy boobs make baby Jesus cry!"
"So I had a conversation with my wife, but it turns out that I don't really care that much about that part of my character."
"I picture Mina as being like a video game wife, who only exists in the cabin."
"We could make him have sex with a llama right now, and he'd never know the difference."
"Either they're in a war, or they've been going sledding on cheese graters
"Heh. Giant delicious donuts filled with glass."
"Yes, if they delete the plot, I'm in trouble."
"Hopefully the crack will mitigate the fact that we're taking their army away from them."
"Dick, dick, dick, dick, COOTER!"
"Walk the gayplank! Super..."
"Whoever just left in that Pop Rock balloon must have killed everybody else on the way out."
"...And the Streik are just waiting there on the other side, with Dumpsters full of tuxedos and croissants."
"Fuck you and the fish you rode in on."
"What's going on at the blowing-up rock crystal factory?"
"Hee. Sounds like blow-up doll factory."
"Where they only sell inflatable bats."
"You're flying along with your schlong waving in the breeze."
"Flailing. Like a fat bedsheet."
"Damn it! Don't blow up the lasers! They heal me!"
"I don't know that!"
"Well, why can't we communicate telepathically?!"
"Because you're not in the clone network! If you were in the clone network, then we could talk all we wanted and have free night and weekend calling!"
"Hey, can it be a free Definition to say that this planet is populated
by flying fish babies?"
"All named Nemo."
"I don't have testicles, so my shaft can't get enraged."
"You mean engorged?"
"I sure hope that my penis never gets enraged."
"What's going on?"
"I don't know, but my dick is pissed off!"
"I find the stickiest thing in the whole galley."
"It's something Rasp made while polishing his gauntlet."
"I fly down and scoop up Rasp."
"He doesn't appear to be breathing. Or have a head."
"You know why?"
"His head a splode."
"You know, it's your frickin' death thing that made me spend 3 Heroism every round. I'm sorry, but that was just gay."
"I've never been below 20 before, and now here I am at 17 and I still have to resurrect myself."
"You look like a Ken doll. Smooth around the bend."
"I didn't have a plan! You guys stuffed me into a cannon and then fired me out of it!"
"Kiss my rock-hard abs."
"Sorry, that's a little too homoerotic for me."
"You're not saving the baby fish! You're impaling them on your arms, gravity spike boy!"
"You got a fish! That's a trustworthy ally."
"I guess we kind of had retroactive teamwork this session. Like how Rasp's bad cooking helped us kill a clone."
"My fortune cookie says, 'If we are all worms, try to be a glowworm.' That clearly means I'm supposed to set someone's penis on fire."
"...And as they were contemplating how to become enlightened, their world blew up!"
"The god of their world must have been, like, some 4-year-old ADD kid. 'Boring...boring...boring...boring...KABLOOM! Okay, let's get some monkeys this time."
"Anytime somebody botches, something bad happens to a baby, and we laugh about it a lot."
"You guys suck, I'm totally dead."
"So, you have successfully faked the hamster cage's death."
"Amon can deal with the fish babies. I want to find out more about our friend the hamster cage."
"The hamster cage has taken over my mind, and it's forcing me to look at its vacation photos."
"Shut up and progenate!"
"That's all right. God doesn't love dwarves."
"No, we are not going to set the Hall of Worlds up the bomb."
"So, you've made friends with an infinitely long hallway..."
"I thought you were going to say 'two wrongs make a baby.'"
"When did my fly come down?"
"I was sneaky."
"You know what's the first thing your god is going to do when he wakes up? Take a big crap."
"All right. We need some babies, and we need 'em fast, so we can have a combat."
"Can I ask the spirit one more question?"
"No, he's taking a crap."
"Everybody come and live in my god!"
"Airship beats boat any day of the week."
"And exploding rock beats airship. Boat beats exploding rock."
"So what happens now?"
"Yeah, your turd kind of looks like a boa constrictor that's eaten a small child."
"Well we've already established that these giants are angry by nature, and that they hate and resent being mind controlled. Tysonius giganticus. That's the scientific name for this species."
"Oh, that's right, she got an extra XP because Iain lied to her."
"It's called teamwork!"
"I have a butt!"
"And he has a penis. It's a match made in heaven."
"The path is dark, and claustrophobic."
"And since these guys are giants, that means the halls are, like, 20 feet tall, right?"
"Blessed be Eric, who gave us dwarves to be eaten."
"What'd you do that for?"
"Because Amon's, uh, psycho?"
"...So basically, the best way to kill a god is Tupperware."
"I thought rocks liked me!"
"Bad news, Rasp. Rocks don't."
"One-chi bats for sexual satisfaction!"
"Is there anything cool about this room?"
"You mean apart from the fact that it's made out of diamonds?"
"We come to have buttsex with your holy places."
"Like we do with all holy places."
"That's the new name for this group: the Pilgrimage of Destruction."
"The Pilgrimage of Anal Destruction."
"We at the Pilgrimage of Anal Destruction do not negotiate with terrorists."
"Hypothetically, if I was way more powerful than you, you'd be trapped now. But as it is, I'm just some dirt."
"Someday I'll probably start thinking that it's weird that Rasp takes so much delight in killing people who look exactly like me, but that day won't be today."
"Nothing starts your day out right like a bit of religious genocide."
"Ther was no beginning to this! One minute they were rioting, and the next minute everyone who wasn't worshipping Amon was dead."
"I drop hints that I'll bestow gifts upon people who please me."
"...I please you."
The Players and Characters:
Amon, a demigod who's the son of the goddess of air and chaos and the village idiot, with spectacular powers over wind. Played by Iain.
Efla, a sentient, telepathic, astral projecting rock in search of true enlightenment. Played by Crystal.
Lucy Zero, an escaped Streik medical experiment and aspiring resistance leader whose powers come from her many, many, many clones. Played by Beth.
Rasp, a paladin of chaos with a burning hatred and desire for revenge toward Chirprich, the god of perfection. Played by Weldon.
Sai-Roh, an alien artificer and builder of powerful airships, with control of earth and metal and a mysterious origin. Played by Noel.
Narrator: Eric Z.