Hunter: The Vigil (Project MONUMENT) Quotes
"There's a woman with a New Jersey accent who is upset because you're
hogging the armrest."
"Oh, she'll be sorry."
"Go go distraction pillow number two."
"Do you speak French?"
[long pause]"Who speaks *more* French?"
"Has the couple next to me been drinking?"
"High or low?"
"Do I get a bonus for being me?"
"Robert, the first thing the flight attendant you brought back here sees
is this guy hauling off and punching Bo. She screams, and people start waking
up. What do you do?"
"I'm having a seat. I figure this will work itself out soon enough."
"'We need some kind of back brace to move her safely. Maybe we can ask the flight attendant.' Then there's a (scream). 'Maybe not her.'"
"I'm going to try to get his attention and see if I can get him angry
at me. He has to go through a lot of people to get to me."
"The civilians are not ablative armor."
"He attacks you with a whip made of his blood. What's your Defense?"
"Three. Does my pillow fortress give me any armor?"
"Your pillow fortress does not give you any armor."
"He's not going down. He should be going down."
"He must be on PCP."
"The smoke coming off his body is actually setting off the lavatory smoke
"Disable them! Wait, no..."
"You know how PCP is."
"They probably keep a body bag on the flight just in case. This is the World of Darkness, after all."
Robert, "I think I handled that pretty well."
"Are we seriously discussing the possibility that this man burst into flames when exposed to the sun?"
"I have Science. I don't have Occult."
"I have a degree in folklore-ology and archaeology."
"I think you have a translation issue."
"Isn't that a matter for the French authorities?"
"Then who is it a matter for?"
"And who are you?"
"I guess you might as well read the letter since it's already been tainted."
"It's okay. I'm a professional."
"Blood sorcery? That sounds like drug innuendo to me."
"This is a letter of recommendation for a sorcerer."
The whole table bursts into laughter.
"Is this home for you?"
"He's one of your voters."
"Can we get some lunch first?"
Whispered, "He'll buy."
"Okay. We accept."
"I smoke the whole way to the restaurant."
"Whatever. I'm French. Like I care."
"This isn't the welcoming committee I was expecting."
"That's why I hate flying."
"I don't know if you follow world economies at all, but I'm from Iceland."
"I actually have a cousin who's an archaeologist."
"Oh really? Who?"
"Everyone pulls out a variety of weapons out of their luggage."
"What exactly do we *think* we're going to encounter at the end of this?"
"I take the handgun."
"Is that a chocolate?"
"Careful. One bonbon might be poison."
"Who drinks fine wine with silly straws?"
"'Oh yeah, I have a friend.' We're going to hear that a lot."
"What color were the labels?"
"All of them were orange?"
"Yes, I only ate the peanut butter ones."
"Was that the onset of poison, or just a cough?"
"You put as much security on the router as you can, but a determined hacker
will find it child's play to crack."
"A determined hacker is probably not going around the catacombs of Paris trying to leech bandwidth."
"Especially with a non-wireless router."
"What skills do you have?"
"I talk to people."
"That is a very useful skill. I'm surprised you get paid for it."
"I'm good at fitting in."
"You're doing a fine job."
"If you are proficient with biology..."
"Marine biology? Blood is blood."
"No, it's not!"
"I want a cover and a straw. If I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it right."
"The kind of people who report things like a demon-worshiping priest to
the authorities tend not to be in a normal mindset."
"If we're looking for the supernatural, that's the best place to not find it."
"I have nothing better to do. I am no longer welcome at school. I could
not pay. They were very understanding for quite some time. They were quite impressed
that a Frenchman of my years would want to learn at their university. When they
discovered I had no money, they asked me to leave. When I did not leave, they
threw me out of school. And when I came back, they threatened to call the authorities,
and I decided to come back to Paris."
"Thank you for handling him, because I really didn't feel like it."
"I actually find him interesting."
Josette: "You should wear a skirt."
Bo: "I don't think a skirt is among my belongings."
Josette: "I could loan you one. I just mean that if it's true that the demon-worshipping priest looks up skirts, you might be able to catch him in the act right away."
Robert: "You can do what the Catholic girls do and wear their shorts underneath to prevent that kind of shinnanegan."
Bo: "I am not in the habit of being a decoy in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform."
Roland: "How are you knowledgable about such things?"
Robert: "I went to a Catholic school when I was a boy."
Roland: "And you regularly peeked up girls' skirts?"
Robert: "It's the sort of thing you try once...maybe twice."
Roland: "Is that why you have those scars on your face? You know I jest!"
"I like how he keeps repeating 'oh yes.'"
"I've decided that's my catchphrase."
"Can I have a tank?"
"You can have a fish tank."
"It is a tank filled with a clear liquid, and some little swimming things."
"And a treasure chest that opens and closes."
"Maybe it's a treasure chest that looks like a tank."
"He might choke on Christ."
"That sounds like something that should be in a heavy metal song."
"Hm. Who's the least likely to be completely crazy... Looks like I'm just boned."
"There is nothing in any of the newspapers about the kind of grisly murders
described in your background."
"I'm going to go poke my Dark Secrets."
"My other, other Dark Secret."
"'My dad uses Facebook and I don't,' sounds like a country song."
"That's not Damien. That's Conscience."
"You talk about these people as if I know who they are."
"I don't have more family than he's given me, actually."
"Roland has a new cane. It has a sigil of the French Foreign Legion."
"Why thank you."
"Does it mean anything?"
"It is a symbol of the French Foreign Legion."
"A parting gift from the end of your service?"
"You could say that."
"The last thing I ever stole from them."
"It was my last commander's. You keep what you kill!"
"Do you feel like making a confession today?"
"I can always make a confession."
"They find that the person who reports the crime is often the one who
is perpetrating it."
"Do you have any ability to protect yourself?"
"From being charmed?"
"Never trust a priest who locks his door."
"I'm looking for two things - incriminating evidence related to the accusations and bat guano."
"You don't find any obvious evidence of sexual misconduct - no condoms,
no porn, and so on."
"He's a Catholic demon-worshiper. Of course he doesn't use condoms."
"The woman who comes out of the confessional looks like she's at peace.
She doesn't appear to be the kind of person who was just groped by a priest.
Unless she likes that sort of thing."
"Now I'm at peace."
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been whatever long since
my last confession."
"The good thing about the supernatural being real is it gets us to go to church more often."
"Pardon me, but do you mind if I ask you if your pastor looks up women's skirts?"
Beth: "Roll your Wits + Composure."
Kelly: "Seven successes."
Eric to his dice: "See? That's what you have to compete with."
"You could make bat poop soup."
"I am not eating at your house."
"Where is Bo?"
"She's probably making some kind of racket near the back of the church."
"How did you know to come down here?"
"'Roland called me.' I was tempted to say, 'I just knew.'"
"He's feeling up the bat poo."
Roland (in awed wonder): "I used my phone."
Josette: "Sometimes that can take a lot out of a person."
"Note to self: bring wet wipes, *everywhere*."
"Are you assuming this person was invisible?"
"That's the most logical explanation."
"No, that's *not* the most logical explanation!"
"If he's worshiping a demon, it's a really nice one."
Bo: "You have a film camera. I don't have a cellphone. This is why we
get along so well. Can I get on your family plan?"
Josette: "We don't have a family plan, because then Dad could look at the bill and see who I've been calling, and if he saw I was calling his best friend all the time, it would get weird."
Robert: "Wait. What?"
Josette: "I mean hypothetically."
"Somehow in the time it took to change over my laundry, this went from 'let's investigate the demon priest' to 'let's see if he'll mentor us.'"
"Maybe we should talk to Robert and Josette before we talk to Father Bruno."
"Yay! They're asking for permission, now!"
"We're not asking for permission."
"Still, it's progress."
"Did you ever think that maybe *you're* the succubus?"
"Her entire background was 'I'm a succubus.'"
"There was an essay in which someone encouraged young men to do push-ups
instead of masturbating."
"I could have happily lived my whole life without that knowledge."
"Sharing knowledge is what I do."
"This blood is liquid SCIENCE!"
"Why am I hearing the Phantom of the Opera here?"
"So you want me to see if there is anything special about this bat guano."
"Yes, like a ham sandwich."
"He was doing 'special' push-ups."
"You guys are crazy, but I figure that as long as I know where you are...at all times...there's only so much trouble you can get into."
"If this priest is coming onto young ladies, he certainly doesn't find
me to his tastes."
"Perhaps he doesn't like your hair."
"Dad? Can I go talk to the demon priest?"
"Sure, honey. Just be back by 10."
"Your Italian friends are sympathetic and will see what they can do to
push things through."
"Hugnnh! You show that spaghetti who's boss!"
"So, have you been up to your belfry?"
"I can imagine I'm going to spend a lot of time in this church. I'm gonna become a Father Bruno junkie."
"I assume you are all alive and none of you have been overcome by demons."
"Overheard in Paris."
"He feels closer to God in the belfry."
"Well, it's high in the sky, so it's closer to God."
"Only if you think God lives in the sky."
"Where else would He live?"
"The North Pole?"
(singing) "He knows when you are happy / He knows when you are sad."
"I'm not actually flirting with Roland. We will never sleep together."
"That's what you said about Osiris."
"Can we put a gold star on the map where we are?"
"Ohhh! You are really poor. I keep on forgetting that."
"Do you think you could manufacture some excuse why you would want to
see the body? You are an important man."
"He mixes crazy with flattery so well."
"Except when I'm talking about your hair."
"Half of this game is watching Eric type."
"What will your father think about you meeting with the demon priest?"
"He'll be glad I'm going to church."
"The best lies are true."
"My daughter is gay for my best friend."
"Dude, that would be the best Jerry Springer episode."
"Is he doing special push-ups?"
"Josette, I'm closing my door. Don't let anyone disturb me."
"There's always time for special push-ups."
"I didn't mean for this to become a meme."
"Tell him the bad guano had a ham sandwich in it."
"What?!? Please don't feed his delusions!"
"When you've been as many digs as I've been on, you get exposed to a lot
of things - different cultures, strange phenomena..."
"You unpack these cursed relics. I'll be in the other room."
"Catacombs happy hour."
"I get to talk to a reporter?"
"Yes, Roland. You get to talk to a reporter. Hmm, how much do I like this guy?"
"Do you have an address?"
"I have an address. Very few men know this."
"We're not looking for a man who turns into a bat. We're looking for a
man who turns into a bat who eats bugs."
"Or maybe it's a bat that turns into a man."
"Josette, stop encouraging him!"
"What if he turns into a bat and flies out the window?"
"Then our problems are a lot bigger than the fact that he can turn invisible."
"Every time we talk about catching this guy, it turns into Home Alone tricks."
"I didn't text you. I know you and technology well enough already."
"You feel like she just threw a bowling ball into your chest. Take 2 bash."
"There goes the possibility of not taking any damage in this game."
"You're not going to get that achievement in this game. I'm sorry."
"She summoned the paradox spirit of hypocrisy. "
"She didn't get *that* many successes."
"Rain? It's like 20 degrees outside...or whatever the fuck that is in Celsius."
"Do you have a specialty in Taking It Rough, again?"
"Bo clearly has experience talking people down from suicide attempts, and I don't. I don't usually deal with the mentally unstable. Usually there are two people who screen out those before they get to me."
"I say we go to our apartment, because I don't want to go down to the
catacombs soaking wet and cold."
"Also, there's wine there."
"She fell a little and then flew away. No, she didn't turn into a bat."
"They left out the part where on the recording there was a solid 30 minutes
of 'hugnh hugnh hugnh'."
"They must be doing push-ups."
"You two have been relegated to back-of-the-party status."
"She sounds like a deranged person living in the belfry."
"Yes, but you see, she became invisible."
"Maybe you should check The Watcher for supernumerary nipples."
"I didn't feel like sending a grimoire via FedEx."
"It seems somehow fitting that our Plan A is to defile their holy places."
"I don't think I would vote for Satan over Palin."
"It would be a hell of a party ticket thought, wouldn't it?"
"Golden Boy is not *quite* porn."
"I'm trying to unused to get."
"I'm in your computer fucking up your internet."
"I don't have a mullet yet."
"It's getting there."
"You don't have a front to have a party."
"We must not get lost, or we will die."
"You sound so excited."
"If you cannot find us, it means we are dead."
"There will be another event next weekend."
"Meet me at Le Quickie Nooner?"
"'So, it's not something like something that would be used by a sorcerer or something?' I'm laughing it off because I'm serious."
"You need to wear shorts under your skirt. How many times have I warned you about that?"
"You got the feeling, yes?"
"Someone is watching TV!"
"I have an idea!"
"What's your idea?"
"It can wait."
"It's not a date! We're just going out to dinner."
"At a romantic restaurant."
"My dad isn't going to date Damiane. She's going to get the patented Josette
"You can't give her the glare if you come home and there's a sock on the doorknob."
"My dad and I don't use a sock on the doorknob."
"You've been sexiled from the whole apartment. We plan on having sex everywhere, including your bed."
"*Especially* in your bed!"
"I have...dinner plans."
"Don't say 'impending sex.'"
"She can always read your fortune if she reads your entrails."
"Why is it that everyone whose fortune I read dies?"
"I don't have any cannibals in my NPC list."
"You didn't say any of them *weren't* cannibals."
"There's certain things you don't worry about until somebody tells you
"Don't worry, there's *not* zombies outside."
"What are we shopping for, Roland?"
"I get a gift basket filled with chocolates, and I'm writing on the card,
'We're new to the neighborhood. Hello, neighbor.'"
"Am I to infer from this that you're planning to *greet* our neighbors?"
"All that's missing is some kittens in that basket."
"I was under the impression that our hidey hole was supposed to be...secret."
"Yes, but so is theirs. They gain *nothing* by exposing us. And if we ever run afoul of them we'll say, 'did you like the chocolates?' and then maybe they will not kill us."
"Okay, but if they find the only bed I have, I have to stay on your couch."
"Of course. No. You can stay on Aðalsteinn's couch."
"Actually, I don't feel comfortable having a sociopath hunting you down at my house. You should stay at Robert's apartment. His couch will probably be more comfortable."
"Oh yes. Robert's couch is very comfortable."
"It is indeed a very attractive basket of chocolates."
"Do we have any reasonable ability to prevent Roland from doing this at
some point in the future?"
"I'm going to make that easy for you - no, no, no, no."
"Why don't you roll your Wits + Empathy?"
"She's hitting on you."
"She's a vampire."
"Everyone wants to be a vampire."
"Bah. Back when I was young, the cool thing was to be a werewolf."
"She was on Team Robert."
"Damiane is distinctly flirting with you."
"Pick the last option."
"Stick it in."
"Give her a carrot and then ask her to stick it in."
"It's all on fire! We ran to your apartment to escape the pyromaniacs. I don't know what we were thinking."
"Okay, we leave. And then I'm going to sneak back alone."
"See? She's learning. She's already starting to act like the rest of us."
"You guys show up for 7am Mass and look for Roland, and he's totally not
"You should roll Morality for that, you jerk."
"While I'm researching, I'm organizing my papers."
"And doing push-ups?"
"We'll be in touch. Let me know if the vampires get you."
"I want a Scooby Snack."
"Sitting alone for six hours in the Catacombs without a cellphone? That's *much* worse than vampires on a plane."
"Most Wanted Traders. We sold lovebots."
"You sold the services of *a* lovebot."
"We were con artists pretending to be Jedi, except we were actually Jedi."
"You're running a background check on a *door*?"
"I told you - you shouldn't be here."
"Did you like the chocolates?"
"It's like a cheap Tactic - a *really* cheap Tactic that doesn't actually work."
"Aww, poor guy. He's the hottest guy in the world and he can't get a date."
"O come, O come, Emmanuel."
"I wish to become human."
"'Is he a robot?' Yes, I just asked if he was a robot."
"Welcome to McDonald's - the loneliest McDonald's."
"Not human. Wants human."
"That would be a great personal ad."
"Maybe we should bring him more chocolates. Flowers."
"Something sexy to wear."
"A kitty. Kitties love *everyone*."
"There are much more horrible things you can do to him than give him a
"Like what? Set him up on blind dates?"
"There's different definitions for living."
"Yes, but there's not different definitions for human."
"Remember how the Watcher in the Belfry turned violent with little provocation?"
"We should put Emmanuel in the belfry."
"Everything we meet, we put in the belfry."
"We need to set up a cage match. Someone buy a cage."
"Anything I should bring to the safehouse?"
"His willing suspension of disbelief."
"He doesn't have any disbelief."
"Aðalsteinn shows up with his laptop with a bunch of tabs open."
"And his slide show. And his Power Point presentation."
"And his Bigfoot suit."
"Galatea is distinctly not a Cypriot dick sucker."
"You don't have to worry about your dad and that woman."
"Because he's going to be doing the Catacombs man?"
"I can just see Emmanuel lying on a psychologist's couch, 'Tell me about your mother.'"
"Maybe they're trying to condition us. 'Good job! Have some chocolate.'"
"There's only one way to understand humans..."
"From the inside!"
"I'm flying blind, here. I've never interacted with someone who's not
"Or this hunky."
"Do you want to listen to a money-making scheme? When we know he's going
to leave, we rent all the apartments in the building and then sublet them for
"And then we have him move into an affluent neighborhood until it becomes a shit hole and start the whole process again."
"Who's my little real estate speculation scheme? *You* are! *You* are!"
"This is what it means to be human - buy low, sell high!"
"Uh, if I am required to give a character reference..." (long, pregnant pause)
"I'm not exactly king of the city. I like to work behind the scenes."
"Because *I* am."
"Yes, we know, Roland."
"My resume sucks because I don't tell you much. I can tell you what kind
of experience I have, but I can't actually tell you where I've worked or who
I worked for."
"No phone number, no address, and that resume - now we see the real reason why you have a chance die to find a job..."
"It's Red Rover. Will you come over?"
"Your brains are pretty okay the way they are."
"Bruno is telling them he needs space."
"You already have Space. Maybe he needs Time."
"They're going to hate you. We couldn't find this person, either. Have
*two* free background checks."
"You found a never-ending source of free background checks."
"You sound disturbed, Roland."
"I'm not Roland. I'm Robert."
"What kind of trouble are we talking about here?"
"Like 'we can't exist anymore' trouble."
"My personal life and my professional life are very different."
"What are you talking about? We do this sort of stuff at work all the time."
"Except our job doesn't usually involve fighting vampires."
"Mine does. Haven't I told you?"
"My research has failed me. This is bad."
"My research has *not* failed me. This is bad."
"From a metagame perspective, y'all ain't goin' to Italy until I'm good and ready to send you to Italy."
"You don't have the contacts to find a job on short notice, but you sure
know someone who does."
"I send Robert an email."
"You *are* Monster.com."
"I'm going to send you a copy of my resume...in Icelandic."
"You send him one resume in Icelandic and then send a second one in French?"
"No. I send the second one in English. It's the universal language, right?"
"You ask me to help you, and then you make it difficult for me to help you?"
"We've already been over this. ISO does what ISO wants to do, and ISO says, 'Fuck you, Iceland. You can use a 'th.'"
"Iceland - where everybody is cruel."
"I already got one incomprehensible letter today. I'm not in the mood for a second."
"You're going to stalk his post office box?"
"What else am I going to do all day? You ain't got me a job, yet."
"I'm concerned about Father Bruno."
"We should watch him...from the belfry."
"Saving the world one metaphor at a time."
"A dramatic failure on a tactics roll is generally really, really bad."
"Try it! Try it! Try it!"
"Are you going to activate your ghost sight in the graveyard?"
"No. I'm not going to activate it."
"I should get Aðalsteinn to teach kindergarten."
"Great. Screw up the next generation."
"We should start a bike club. The unemployed Hunter bike club."
"How did we go from Cyrillic to plundering anuses?"
"Cyrillic is here to plunder you! Yarrr!"
"Aðalsteinn turns gay for non-humans."
"It's disturbing because like you have Full House, and then one spot over
you have really hardcore porn..."
"...Starring the Olsen Twins."
"I'm trying to understand human experience."
"I see. First of all, throw away this, and this, and this..."
"We need to get you a garbage bag."
"I work in La Defense. People have problems with their cell phone plans. They call me."
"Humans have hope. You won't learn hope from the movies you have here."
"You need more more romantic comedies."
"Somewhere in my list of Bo's type, human is on there. Bo's type: 1) human
"As long as they're human, I'll *do* it!"
"They probably have turnover problems at the loneliest call center."
"That's it. Make Pinocchio suicidal. You think *not* being a real boy is bad. Just wait until you *are* a real boy. Then you'll have *real* problems."
"Aðalsteinn's theme song is now Hunt for Red October, and Emmanuel's
is Friend Like Me."
"Except completely not."
"It might be best for us not to engage Emmanuel one-on-one...in case he gets any ideas from that material he has."
"If he'd gone the route of Frankenstein, he wouldn't be able to hold a
"You underestimate these call centers. 'You have bolts in your neck? Whatever, can you follow a script?'"
"Your emails are like ships passing in the night."
"Don't bring Emmanuel to dinner with my nephew. The goal is to introduce *you* to *normal* people, not to introduce normal people to the weird shit we've discovered."
"I send a nice gift basket to Robert's office."
"I intercept it before I bring it to him and eat all the good stuff."
"Welcome to human resources. The loneliest human resources."
"For some reason we never have any human resource issues. We haven't had a sexual harassment accusation since we hired that one guy."
"Yay for pass/fail."
"I'm auditing this roll."
"Roll your Verisimilitude."
"He's not a robot!"
"You're teaching him how to bitch about work?"
"I'm getting you both some new friends."
"Maybe you should use the pseudonym...Eloise Abril."
"You're a bad person, but that's probably not a bad idea."
"I really hope whenever I make suggestions like this that I don't get
"Don't worry. If I get killed because of this, I'll come back to haunt you."
"What do you mean by educational?"
"Hookered by Phonics worked it for me!"
"They search me. It's not random."
"I actually own more pairs of shoes than my daughter and my missing wife combined."
"How are we going to convince him to do that?"
"Give him cake!"
"That is my persuasion. Do you want to come with? I think you should come with."
"Maybe I should purchase a cake."
"Why would you purchase a cake?"
"Why wouldn't I purchase a cake?"
"I really don't have an answer for that."
"Your phone rings."
"I answer it. It's upside-down."
"Roland's voice is very faint."
"Oh." (turning over the phone motions) "Hello, Robert."
"Unfortunately, while we speak a variety of languages between us, Russian or...whatever...isn't one of them. But we got the basic message, which is that you'd be away for a while."
"When we say 'leave a note,' we mean 'leave a useful note.' 'Gone to Jamaica. Back by spring,' is not a valid note."
"This note will explode upon your comprehension."
"If you've had time to figure out how to decode this letter, I'll be dead."
"Did you turn into a bat?"
"That may take some time."
"I will document this."
"Dear Diary, today my genitalia turned into bat genitalia. At least I think that's what that damned thing is."
(singing) "Na na na na na na na na / na na na na na na na na Bat wang!"
"Hello, all you great and wonderful people."
"Who are you talking to?"
"I'm monitoring his P.O. box."
"That is quite illegal."
"Is it? I'm just sitting outside the post office."
"Oh no. I am thinking of illegal in Russia."
"You can't stand outside a P.O. Box in Russia?"
"You cannot receive mail. Wait. That was a long time ago."
"In Soviet Russia, mail receives you."
"We shall be good sleeping buddies!"
"I give you a look that says, 'This wasn't in the plan.'"
"We should hide!"
"That's what I was thinking -"
"- in the closet!"
"That wasn't quite what I was thinking."
"Aðalsteinn, could you keep up with Roland's list, since you're not
"How did I get signed up for this?"
"I'm sorry. I had to prove Noel wrong."
"She may not have seen Aðalsteinn."
"That makes you our ace in the hole."
"Our Schroedinger's ace in the hole."
"Looking harmless is my greatest weapon."
"No. Throwing the vampire. That is your greatest weapon."
"Yeah. That was really cool."
"You go out clubbing with your friends."
"Those poor seals."
"We're Catholic. We don't go to church for the entertainment."
"Pretty please don't intercept our mail, mysterious organization."
"Does that mean we should have secret names?"
"Roland sounds so excited."
"Robert could be the Batman."
"Remember, you're a taxpaying member of whatever organization you're a part of."
"I could be the well-respected Rasputin."
"So, you're pitching a tent in her living room?"
"Oh no you're not!"
"Wow. My dad is creepy."
"So, you are now gainfully employed."
[Re: Roland and Bo]
"So, you leave them to watch Batman, at their request.."
"I'll leave the love birds alone."
"What are you having for dinner?"
"You got pizza in my borscht! You got borscht in my pizza!"
"Your gross fatness has saved your life!"
"Oh, by the way, I called the police and told them there is an altercation
at your apartme-"
"Oh, good, 'cause there is!"
"Oh God. Please loot the corpses as soon as possible."
"Why is it everyone looks at me knowingly whenever politics is discussed?"
"Uh oh. What's your Manipulation?"
"I don't have Manipulation."
"Who's there, Eloise?"
"For now, it's the police."
"Does she get any equipment bonus to convince the cops?"
"Yes. An equipment bonus due to Roland's lack of pants."
"Eye bleach needed now. Old man in tighty whiteys."
"Make a Manipulation + Subterfuge to make a statement to the cops."
"Do I get any equipment bonus for the liquor on my breath?"
"You don't get an equipment bonus because you're wearing pants."
"Do you think you could be a convincing exorcist?"
"I'm not sure I can be very convincing."
"Well, you're quite eccentric."
"I can be an exorcist, but you'll have to do all the talking. I'll pretend to only speak Russian."
"All ghosts only speak Russian. Didn't you know?"
"Robert actually doesn't know many single people."
"I'm not a singles bar."
"He's done all his matchmaking for his lifetime."
"He's not a singles bar. He's a dump truck."
"Is he a beaver dump truck?"
"When you wake me up, you don't wake me up in the exorcist costume, do
"I totally do!"
"Rule Zero also applies to giving Noel ideas, Kelly."
"Roland, if you ever wake me up again in disguise, I will not be this nice."
(singing) "I'm going to be surprised, and I'm not really looking forward to it."
"Whose idea was it for you to dress as an exorcist?"
"Does she know you're going to be dressed like this?"
"Well, um, really I...yes."
"Aðalsteinn spends time teaching the bird to talk. What's the roll
for that again?"
"It's your Intelligence + Animal Ken versus it's Willpower."
"And it has like Willpower 7, so it's fun to watch him try to teach the bird to talk and failing."
"The titanic struggle to teach your bird to say, 'It's your destiny!'"
"It's a mynah bird."
"It's a mynah plot."
"There's a whirring sound and some pounding coming from inside the apartment."
"Is he crucifying a box fan in there or something?"
"You're yelling at a rack of pots on the ceiling."
"Sure, I'm going to play along. I'm taking out my Blackberry and making notes furiously."
"If you need anything, put an ad up on Craigslist."
"Who are you?"
"Ghost hunters. Have you seen any ghosts?"
"Um, ghosts aren't real."
"He had such bad feng shui in life that he's condemned to spend an eternity renovating his apartment."
"We discuss everything that happened outside Bo's apartment, but instead
of saying 'vampires' we say 'fishermen.'"
"Good point. What are werewolves, then, milkmen?"
"Used car salesmen."
"We've got 3 UCSes outside over here."
"One thing occurred to me that may not have occurred to everyone."
"That you're crazy? Yes, we know."
"Rather than just resort to violence, we just joke about moving Emmanuel
into the area. Why is that?"
"The Morality checks are easier."
"Is that like 'I don't get Experience for every single Stormtrooper I killed when I blew up that Star Destroyer?' I don't have to roll Morality for every single person whose life I ruined by putting a Promethean in their apartment building."
"By the ghost of Abraham Lincoln!"
"What are you doing in Paris?"
"Taking away your freedoms!"
"Actually, my enemies don't take dating advice from me..."
"Especially really bad dating advice."
"I have a theory. It sounds like a Roland theory, but I have a theory."
"You have been spending a lot of time with him..."
"Breaking and entering entrapment."
"That would be a really elaborate entrapment scheme."
"I hate paranormal investigators. I want to put them all behind bars!"
"My parents were killed by paranormal investigators."
"He was 94 years old when he died of natural causes."
"That's what they put when someone's killed by a ghost - natural causes."
"You can't ask my sister-in-law for a threesome at dinner, okay?"
To a ghost: "'You've never thought about what might happen...when you
"Yeah, you might wanna get on that..."
"Robert, what would possess you to investigate the supernatural?"
"I can't believe you're still networking!"
"I've just seen a ghost and am terrified, but I'm still me, okay?"
"Damiane probably thinks you're drunk dialing her."
"That would be a weird booty call. 'Come investigate this apartment looking for a ghost. You might want to bend down and look at that...oops!"
"Wouldn't that make an interesting porn?"
"It would be like the pizza delivery guy except with an exorcist."
"Can we exorcise him to heaven?"
"Go directly to hell. Do not pass God. Do not collect..."
"A photogenic ghost."
"That would be an awesome ghost flaw."
"Are there meetings and conventions where archeologists discuss ghosts?"
"Do ghosts attend?"
"That would certainly revolutionize archeology."
"My secret is I'm a ghost."
"Hunter: the Vigil as conceived by M. Night Shyamalan."
"What happens if we pick an exorcism ritual that doesn't work?"
"Then the ghost will kill us all."
"And in Roland's mind, ships are now powered by ghosts."
"'We need to stop the ship!' 'Humminamanuma.' 'What are you doing?' 'Exorcising the ghost.'"
"This may seem strange, but your apartment appears to be haunted by its previous owner."
"Who are you people?"
"Perhaps we can convince the ghost that Roland is the exorcist."
"'Maybe Father Bruno can help' has become the 'Tell us a story, Jerry' of this game."
"You meet Damiane at another quasi-romantic bistro."
"Why are they all quasi-romantic?"
"Because this is Paris."
"Exorcise them? I hope you mean that in the personal trainer sense and
not the power of Christ compels you sense."
"The power of Christ compels you to do one more rep!"
"Is Jesus Christ your personal trainer?"
"So, are you inviting me on a ghost-hunting date?"
"...I'm inviting you on a ghost hunt."
"I'm hoping you don't die before I can get in your pants."
"Tell me something you learned this session."
"Ghosts can send email."
"Emmanuel likes clubbing?"
"I have the costume until Tuesday."
"No! No, no, no, no, no!"
"Roland is not...the best model of normal human behavior."
"He's an outlier."
"He's what we call..."
"I'm so glad Roland doesn't show up at the club in the exorcist outfit that I don't care about the tweed jacket."
"I have normal friends!"
"We're going to a club. The loneliest club."
"They don't go there regularly. I do."
"If it makes him laugh for more than 30 seconds, he's not allowed to do
"Things Noel is no longer allowed to do."
"There are two things to do in Iceland. One of them is clubbing."
"The other one is hot tubbing."
"Okay. Three things."
"Sir, we're going to have to ask you to leave."
"You dance too well to be at this shit club."
"We haven't checked your ID. You don't have a wristband. You'll have to
"But I want to boogie..."
"Your friends for the rest of the night will occasionally make reference
to that old guy who was a really good dancer."
"Yeah. I've never seen anything like that before."
"At my house, I have to sleep on the floor, as well."
"Because my bed is covered in things."
"What kind of things?"
"A nuclear device that I somehow smuggled into Paris."
"The bodies of four ex-wives."
"I've never been married. Four ex-girlfriends. I joke."
"Wait, is Josette even there?"
"Then why are you conducting this conversation in-character?"
"I'd also like to talk to you sometime. It is not urgent..."
"I think I have an STD."
"Just from watching Roland dance I got an STD."
"It made me think of a pornographic Ring. Before you get the clap, you
see the Ring."
"If you don't show this porn to seven people in seven days, you're going to get an STD."
"Maybe that's why Noel shows Golden Boy to everyone."
"Lobo versus Liu Kang. Fight!"
"If you keep this up, I'm going to porno your desktop."
"Porno is a verb, now?"
"Worst superhero name ever."
(re: prepping the MMA ring for a new bout..)
"So they're getting all set for that...they're getting the corners ready.."
"Did she just say, 'They're getting the coroners ready?"
"Do you have a martial arts rival?"
"Every ninja has a rival."
"Josette's a ninja, now?"
"Ninja, samurai. Whatever."
"At what point do you become a ninja?"
"When you become a ninja in your heart."
"Is there anything particular you say when you're talking to the martial
"Sign my boobs!"
"I don't say that. I have class."
"Would you do me the honor of signing my boobs?"
"Robert is going set Roland up on a dinner date with a man."
"There was something strange about that dinner date. It's like there was something he wasn't asking me or telling me..."
"The internet told us there was a ghost in this place."
"So, your friends want me to help him with this exorcism?"
"Yes. But apparently not very much, because nobody spoke to you."
"It's not any kind of voodoo. It's just an exorcism."
"I like Father Bruno because he takes me seriously."
"I take you seriously."
"I take Roland about as seriously as you take yourself."
"I take you seriously. Like a tumor - very, very seriously."
"I'm taking note of something I can hide under if things start flying
(singing) "Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin."
"You graduated from Batman to Robin."
(singing) "I am the very model of a modern evil exorcist. My words will get so angry that the ghosts will be so really pissed."
"Robert sounds like he's going to get himself in trouble."
"Yes, he does."
"I look at Damiane and ask her, 'Really, was it worth all this just to try to get a date?'"
"Robert, take 1 lethal as an electrical wire shocks you."
"So much for *that* achievement."
"The 'not taking any damage' achievement?"
"Hey, it lasted eight sessions."
"I think things are under control. The refrigerator's on the ground, now."
"I still use the plot points for your Practical Experience Points. No, I don't bring them up here every week because I miss Cortex System that damned much."
"We call him Old Man Nipple."
"You see a small, sporty car that looks like a refrigerator has fallen on it."
"I can see by what you and the other people were doing that you know what you're doing. You sounded really competent."
"I wonder if the ogre is a snowman."
"He works for an international bank."
"Hear that siren? I think it's here for Roland."
"That refrigerator came out of nowhere!"
"You can stay in the hospital as long as you need to, and..."
"Universal health care!"
"Yes, that's the good news about being in the hospital in France. You don't have to pay for it. You can get hurt by ghosts as much as you want, and the government will pay for it."
"It's almost like we're government agents."
"How did you find out about this ghost in the first place?"
"In the spirit of scientific inquiry, I went looking for a witch."
"Ogres. Sounds like a job for Aðalsteinn's folkloreology."
"If someone invites you to come to an exorcism with them, it's okay to decline."
"Welcome to the ICU, the loneliest ICU."
"Why are the nurses killing everyone? I brought flowers, in the shape of an icepick, but they died."
"It is some kind of fishermen turf war."
"You're already involved."
"Yes, but I meant in the sense of guns and chewing and knives."
"That chewing. It'll get you every time."
"I'm not exactly going to go public with, 'I've gotten buddies who are investigating the vampire angle of this.'"
"I'm lost without my crazy man bag."
"I'd settle for you having tighty whiteys, actually."
"Roland, how long do you intend to stay in the hospital?"
"I should probably leave tomorrow, unless I want to re-injure myself."
"So, you should have pissed off the vampire. That way you would have had a reason to stay in the hospital."
"So, it doesn't appear Fatima is part of the gang."
"Gangs are for boys."
"Fight clubs are for girls."
"Roll your Wits + Politics."
"You're on fire."
"No, it was a Politics roll. The mayor's on fire."
"You could pin the blame on one of your political enemies."
"Which would move them up the chart. If they were a minor enemy before, they'll sure be a moderate enemy after you pin the blame on them."
"He just picked the wrong mayor's office to frame for it."
"Roland probably wasn't the best person to invite Father Bruno to help
with the exorcism."
"He did the job."
"He did do the job, so maybe I'll send him out on more diplomatic jobs in the future."
"The temptation to get naked is very high."
"Say my name, bird! I mean...say, 'I eat history for breakfast.'"
"My name is 'I eat history for breakfast.'"
"You killed my father. Prepare to die."
"His name is Aðalsteinn 'I Eat History for Breakfast' Lokisson."
"The person you're looking for isn't at the same hospital as you are."
"Now if we had Fate magic..."
"Yes, because we want to put people in the hospital with Fate magic."
"I'll defeat this ogre, but only if you let me bone it."
"We're not Ashwood Abbey."
"This would be a very different game if people were fucking things to
"Yes, it would be a game I would not be running."
"Birgitta is punching us...from a distance."
"From another game."
"From the future."
"In accepting this, we're basically becoming vigilantes, you know."
"Your research dice have not been treating you well, have they?"
"Your dice have mono, too."
"You know how we were pretending to be exorcists? We tricked more than just the ghost."
"He seems to want to pay us in some way. It sounds like it would complicate
my tax filing this year."
"Perhaps you shouldn't report this to the authorities."
"I would never do that, Roland."
"Why not? I do it all the time."
"I would like to see this ogre!"
"Why do I tell you about things like this?"
"You don't know Bruce."
"This is correct. Is he from Australia?"
"This is a good idea. Provided an ogre doesn't squash him flat with a
"A very small tree."
"Or a big bush. Why am I encouraging you?"
"I don't know."
"If you call me, I'm going to kill you."
"His method of training the bird is dangling it over a vat of boiling
"Roll your Intimidation + Animal Ken."
"I'm pretending to be Jewish...SO THE ALIENS DON'T GET ME!"
"Last name, Police. First name, Police. Occupation, Police."
"I'm going to ask Father Bruno about ogres."
"Tell us a story, Father Bruno."
"You ate a cake, and then you..."
"I ate a whole cake? I'm awesome!"
"It's a yoga mat wrapped around a telescoping club or something."
"If I only want to do a little damage, I hit them with the yoga mat still on it. If I'm actually in real danger, I take the yoga mat off."
"I love how witches are just a fact of life, now."
"Some fishermen use poles. Some use nets. Some use dynamite! I don't know."
"How do you deal with unreasonable ogres?"
"Why are the bad things real and not the good things, like unicorns."
"Maybe we should go on a unicorn hunt."
"I'm going to do my dinner plans, but I'm also go to do some casual..."
"You're discharged from the hospital."
"Violently. 'And stay out!'"
"You fail to teach your bird to say 'I eat history for breakfast,' but you do manage to teach it to say 'I eat poop for dinner.'"
"Do you have any antiquated things you would like to sell? I know you are an archaeologist."
"Welcome to my porno lair."
"The loneliest porno lair."
"The funny thing about that is the place where Prometheans live is called a Lair."
"So, you go to visit Emmanuel."
"You should bring pizza."
"There's a hole cut in the bottom of the box."
"How would that work. Did someone order five pizzas?"
"Did someone order pizza? And a really small dick?"
"You're going to make him cry. He doesn't have feelings. Wait a minute..."
"Maybe Emmanuel has a maker's mark stamped on his foot or something."
"He's not a Ken doll."
"He's smooth around the bend."
"I guess then maybe the pizza box is big enough."
"Your Willpower against Emmanuel's Willpower. Train him like Aðalsteinn's bird!"
"Is there anything else I can do for you, Emmanuel?"
(whispered) "Get his resume."
"I'll bet a lot of Canadian men call their dicks Canadian bacon."
"We know some Canadians. Maybe we should ask them."
"If it helps to picture him, he's seven feet tall and bald."
"Are we talking about Jinx or Nick?"
"Why are you here?"
"Vampires are real, and we're chasing an ogre."
"...This place really not for you."
"Juggle their young."
"Bruce isn't going to juggle their young. We don't even have any young for him to juggle. Well, I do, but my young is too large to juggle, now."
"If you're going to juggle me, keep your pants on."
"The come-from-behind winner will be at the event."
"The come-from-behind winner, eh?"
"Don't worry about us too much, Father Bruno."
"That's hard to do. I am going to pray for you."
"Time for a new exorcism ritual."
"I just feel like we shouldn't be in Paris anymore."
"That's exactly what I want. Use magic to make you want to go to Stuttgart."
"The bird is going to teach you to say 'Yes, Master.'"
"Hello, Roland. Do you have any dinner plans for Tuesday night?"
"Why, are you asking me on a date?"
"I have a chance die for Google."
"You can use a computer, but the only thing you can do is push the I Feel Lucky button."
"What happens if you roll a 1 on your chance die to use Google. Do you break the Internet?"
"No, you just need iBleach."
"You get goatse with 'Never Gonna Give You Up' playing in the background."
"You got goatse rickrolled."
"I'm not withholding information from you guys. I just haven't gotten around to telling you it, yet."
"It's Valentine's Day? Why didn't I have a date?"
"That ranks near the worst date ever - in a park with Roland and homeless people."
"Boys do push-ups. Girls do sit-ups?"
"Language is a horrible minefield."
"I'm a horrible minefield."
"Robert is the Rush Limbaugh of France."
"The socialist Rush Limbaugh of France."
"He's like the opposite of Rush Limbaugh. Lush Rimbaugh."
"Sounds like a porn star name. Unpleasant old man porn."
"Liberal unpleasant old man porn."
"Seize the means of production! Actually, I think there was a series of jokes on the Internet about that..."
"No. Back to the game!"
"Things on my to-do list include 'Get a Bo job.'"
"What's the difference between a slut and a doxy?"
"A doxy is professional, but a slut isn't necessarily."
"You don't want that book."
"It's changeling porn."
"How to prepare unicorn."
"You're those people."
"You're the A-Team."
"If you have an ogre. If no one else can help. And if you can find them..."
"If you have any problems, come to me. I mean if you have any problems with this book, not just any problems."
"Have you read your email?"
"Yes. I wish I could unread it."
"You can. You just have to select it and then click Mark Unread..."
"Shut up, you. You don't even have Computer."
(singing) "Un-read my mail..."
"I so missed Nick and his dismissiveness."
"Don't make me get out the spreadsheet!"
"No, not the spreadsheet!"
"Yes, the spreadsheet!"
"We found a very special bookstore."
"You really should have prefaced that with, 'We found a very special bookstore in the Red Light District.'"
"We know the penthouse where Michael Martucci is."
"We should send a wrecking ball his way."
"I wonder what Chul-soo wants us to keep safe for him."
"Hopefully not an atomic bomb."
"Oh, that would be easy."
"I haven't lost an atom bomb yet."
"You familiarize yourself with the crime-ridden hellhole that is Saint-Denis."
"Besides the times he attacked you, do you have any reason to believe the ogre means you harm?"
"Why don't you take this medication that might be supernatural in nature?"
"Pardon me, have you seen an ogre?"
"Perhaps we should send a pretty girl to talk to a homeless person."
"Are you with the cops?"
"We're with the mayor's office."
"There's a little footbridge over the creek."
"We need to get ourselves a goat."
"In the future, I'll try to be less obstructive. Let me know if I'm obstructing
you, because I may not notice. Now, is there anything else we need to talk about?"
"Okay. Can we have a tank?"
"You're obstructing me!"
"One of these days, when everyone has forgotten to ask, I'll give you
"And it won't have any gas or any bullets."
"It's a cold iron statue of Hitler."
"Now you guys are just making shit up, because if there's anything the French fucking love, it's Hitler."
"Her last name is Grandbois."
"She's a tall glass of water."
"Just because you said that, I'm going to make her really short."
"I'm going to be in the Catacombs with the pointy bit and the heavy thing. Fat Man and Little Boy."
"You could try sharpening the big part of the statue."
"That would take a really long time."
"Actually, blowtorches are really easy to use."
(says Noel) "I don't have a blowtorch. Don't give me a blowtorch!"
"Just kill me! I don't want to go back there."
"We're not going to kill you."
"You're starting to look like proper hunters, now."
"Covered in blood?"
"Precisely. In a park. In broad daylight. Next to your ogre."
"I put on the jogging clothes and my sunglasses and try to look official."
"I'm with the mayor's jogging contingent. Stabbing in seclusion."
"Is Aðalsteinn coming up blue after jumping in the frozen lake?"
"What am I thinking? He's from Iceland. Of course he's okay with freezing water."
"We take the ogre's body back to the catacombs. Because we have a place to put bodies."
(the ogre's Fetch says) "You got rid of the ogre. How can I ever repay
you for this?"
(to the ogre's Fetch) "Keep it real."
"Thank you seems inappropriate at this point. I'm calling the cops on you."
"Oops, violence is about to ensue. Josette's putting on her killing shoes."
"Bo has such a soft spot for constructs."
"And also a hard spot."
"I'm just going to rely on her Gautier sense of duty to bring her to work tomorrow."
"I gave her the name of a good lawyer and told her 'You're guilty.'"
"Josette's alive enough to call in sick, so she's not in jail."
"And you're not in jail, so I didn't talk to anybody."
"The good news about this double-murder suicide being in the news today is that no one is likely to notice a missing homeless man."
"You put things where they go, and dead things go in the catacombs."
"I'm going to go to the park where the ogre was staying."
"Josette returns to the scene of the crime."
"Send Emmanuel to the neighborhood that didn't vote for the mayor."
"No, no, no, no. Stuttgart!"
"You should come with us."
"I don't know. I already had a really bad day yesterday."
"Then you should come have another one."
"The majority of his movie collection isn't porn. It's half sitcoms and
only half porn."
"As someone who ran a movie store with an adult room, the porn jumps out at your eyes much more than the sitcoms."
"Is that the cemetery with the mountain of porn?"
"We're going to give Emmanuel and his porn stash a Viking funeral - put all of it on a longboat, set it on fire, and push it out to sea."
"Please don't put Emmanuel near any military bases, because those people have guns."
"Will you watch my porn while I'm away?"
"They need to be watched every two weeks to ensure they retain their potency."
"All this porn?"
"My name is Roland, and I am up to this challenge."
"We sent Emmanuel to the loneliest Stuttgart."
"As I promised, when you try to call Jean-Jacques, they tell you, 'He disappeared one day.'"
"And you all die four days later..."
"...from chocolatey anthrax."
"You stick a tampon up Roland's nose."
"Tampons are excellent for bullet wounds. They're very absorbent, and they expand to stop the bleeding. Just don't use it on a sucking chest wound."
"'Why is there a tampon in this man's sucking chest wound?' 'It seemed like a good idea at the time.'"
"We need to start carrying around the envelope that's to be used in place of official documentation, because there's going to be a situation where we have to kill a homeless person, and we're going to get caught."
"Who learned something tonight?"
"I learned how to hide a dead body."
"I didn't murder anyone. I just helped hide the body."
"Is Jinx shipping us or something?"
"I'd say Roland and Bo are shipping themselves, actually."
"I'll bet Batmanster.com can find a taxidermist for that rug - after all,
that's where he's Viking!"
"This isn't an ogre. This is a dead person."
"It's totally an ogre!"
"I'm calling the police, now."
"The spirit of Raul is upon Josette."
"The threat can be defused without needlessly killing him!"
"But I'm the plooooot!"
"We need to put a fishing line through the penthouse window and reel Eliot
"They're fishermen, not sharks."
"Maybe we put a large bass on a string and do the dollar bill down the street thing."
(singing) "The hills are alive / with the sound of nuking."
"It's the difference between killing Hitler and aborting Hitler in the
"Or running Hitler over with a dump truck."
"Roland is at his apartment."
"Curled up with his atomic bomb."
"Is there anything I can do to help?"
"For the love of God, don't roll for the Tactic."
"You know what, Roland? I don't think this is too complicated for you at all."
"Team Makes Robert Cry."
"Not really, actually."
"Team Makes Josette Cry."
"That's a lot closer."
"I put all of Emmanuel's porn in the back of my closet."
"We have something in case we need to defile holy places again."
"You know how in Black & White, you can get all your followers to
worship a rock that you moved, and then when you take the holy rock and throw
it into an enemy village so your holy energy bleeds into it and you can affect
"The porn box is your holy rock?"
"You just put it in your apartment, and now it's bleeding all its taint into your closet."
"Now we're dealing with blowing up limousines?"
"Yes, it is a shameful way to go about it. What happened to knives in the dark? Two bullets in the brain... you know."
"How can I help you?"
"I was wondering if I could bug your apartment."
"Why do you need to do that?"
"It is just a precaution. It has something to do with Robert's plan to discredit Eliot Abril. We are making contingency plans."
"They're in case if the shit hits the wall...I have no idea how to end that statement."
"Let's look at the average weather in Paris in late February. Three hours
of sunlight a day. How miserable."
"Says the person who lives in Minnesota."
"Roland is a building babysitter."
"So you're sitting on top of a building looking at another building?"
"Yes. I think it is perhaps busywork, but I have nothing better to do."
"Why does my phone keep going tinka tinkle tink?"
"I'm going to change your ringtone to 'I'm Too Sexy.'"
"Do you want some Cheetos, Leia? Too bad, because we don't have any."
"Because they're gross."
"What? You can't be my dad anymore."
"You have a pretty easy commute because your bicycle tire only goes flat once."
"If you knife a homeless man in a park again, someone will be watching
"Back to being a law-abiding citizen."
"Your papers are good and organized."
"Hrrrrrgh! And I'm spent."
"They look like bone spurs."
"Wow. That man's horny."
"You probably have some sort of investment in Manu not getting killed.
Who will you stalk while he's getting Chinese food if the spiny man kills Manu?"
"Shoot him. Blam!"
"How's that for dirty fighting, bitches? I have a sniper in the audience."
"I bet there's a folding chair."
"It'll be like in pro wrestling where they have some guy in the audience come into the ring and get involved in the fight."
"There is an announcement that Manu will be progressing to the next round
of the tournament."
"He'll have to fight Scorpion next."
"Get over here!"
"Robert has a scary amount of power when he chooses to use it, but Eliot
Abril has an even scarier amount of power."
"We'll see who wins."
"I told him that tonight we should eat steak, tote guns, and bake pie
like real Americans."
"Because nothing is more American than pretending to be French."
"You ran over Hitler with a dump truck."
"It wasn't a dump truck. It was my car."
"Then we sucked out his soul."
"No. That was just you."
"Curled up with his atomic bomb."
"Wouldn't it be funny if I had one?"
"That would be a step up from asking for a tank."
"You really need to get injured so I can teach your class."
"This isn't an anime."
"I'm not going to your apartment. Emmanuel's porn is there."
"Emmanuel may have left, but the porn remains."
"He left his taint. We're counting down the days until domestic violence erupts in Aðalsteinn's neighborhood."
"He didn't die, so I can still stalk him."
"What are you doing?"
Parrot Voice: "Not guilty! Not guilty! Had it coming to him. Had it coming to him."
"One-shot the bird."
"One-shot the bird. Maybe that's what you should do - take the bird out and shoot it."
"I'm trying to find a way to work in the ferry boatman."
"The third ship I was going to draw for the shipping fleet was Virgil and Aðalsteinn - angry bird-on-man hate sex."
"That's exactly what I'm doing - teaching the bird to give me slash fiction ideas."
"It was to the point where we were beginning to wonder if he actually
"That's why you stick to your wine. Because whenever you drink beer, you get all surly and kill homeless people."
"Maybe the vampires just need love."
"Or more sunlight."
"Maybe we should ask Manu to beat up the vampires for us."
"They're beating up your waiters, too."
"Funny you should mention that..."
"If all my friends are getting beaten up, it means our plan is working."
"4% of Robert's friends were beaten up at the same time on Thursday night."
"If you arrange all the names of his friends who got beaten up in a row, it spells out a message from Eliot - fuck you."
"It's not surprising that someone knows enough about you to beat up your
brother, your co-worker, and your friends, but it's really strange they would
also beat up your barista and your chiropractor. Not many people would know
all of them had a connection to you."
"You need to hide your Facebook profile."
"You need to start a group - Facebook Beat My Friends Up."
"I'll bet I can get 1 million of my friends beat up before Eliot Abril."
"Father Bruno also has a black eye."
"So does the Watcher in the Belfry. And someone punched the dead guy in the catacombs, for some reason. What are the chances?"
"I keep thinking about Deadliest Catch whenever you describe vampires
"I am the deadliest catch!"
"Sorry, Robert, but the others like me stay out of vampire business."
"What happens in the pond stays in the pond."
"Can I get the names of some of your friends so I can add them to my Facebook and the fishermen can go beat them up, too?"
"And next Thursday, 4% of Paris gets a black eye. I figure I'll just gradually
expand outwards, like a rock in a pond. 4% of increasingly larger communities
are reported as getting a black eye on Thursday."
"Pretty soon, everyone learns to hate Thursdays."
"The supernatural is real, but most things still have a rational explanation."
"I buzz him up with my Occam's chainsaw. I'm sorry, but you're a lot simpler dead."
"I don't want to imply that one of your friends are betraying you..."
Chorus of Voices: "BUT YOUR FRIENDS ARE BETRAYING YOU!"
"You guys! One of us is a spy!"
"I'm going to round up all 165 of my friends and we're going to play the
ultimate game of Murder Mystery."
"I'm gonna tase you in the junk, and you're gonna tell me if it was you."
"You should call mages lumberjacks because they go so well with Occam's chainsaw."
"Doodaloodoo doodaloodoo doodaloodoo doo... Or maybe the French version
"*Le* doodaloodoo doodaloodoo doodaloodoo ahh haw haw!"
"I'm watching everyone's building."
"'Cause I'm a dirty old man."
"How long have you been watching our building?"
"Couple of weeks."
"Oh. *long pause* Thanks for warning me."
"Full disclosure: I bugged your house, too. But I'm not listening."
"I'll definitely make sure to close my blinds if I change now."
"He's already been selling your pictures online.."
"Well, thanks for letting me know..."
"Good night. Sweet dreams!"
"It was Robert who was covering for me. I didn't tell him I was watching his house, either."
"That's okay. The more Josette's willing to deal with you, the less I have to."
"Gotta love that Sloth vice."
"There's a parade of Aðalsteinn Aðasteinnssons. It's pretty annoying."
"Please don't have a boy."
"And he shall be known as Prince Umlaut."
"My dinosaur can beat up your dinosaur."
"It's a little like punching a waterfall, you know - it takes a while."
"It never works? You might drown in the process? Give up?"
"There are a lot of ways you could have ended that. 'It takes a while' wasn't exactly what I was expecting. 'Global warming, help me out!'"
"In Soviet Iceland, waterfall punches you!"
"I'm the only one who's allowed to be this annoying. I'm the most annoying peanut in the peanut gallery."
"What are you doing in Paris anyway?"
"Schroedinger's fan fiction."
"Where do you want to meet?"
"Probably not in the butcher shop."
"So you've got a bunch of perishables?"
"Not a bunch. Just two. And it's okay if they rot. It's not like I'm going to eat them."
"In fact, it's probably pretty good if you send Eliot a rotting cow's heart."
"Some of the accusations in the envelope are uncomfortably close to the
"He kills ogres!"
"Actually, in the mythology world, you'd probably get props for that."
"Are those cow's hearts dinner?"
"Nope. Could you hand me that wooden stake?"
"Plan B: Twice as many wrecking balls as Plan A."
"I'm putting a vanilla bar in the post office with a note, 'Excuse me. Who are you?'"
"I'm hunting fishermen!" *Jaws music*
"Is that the theme song for rabid shark mode?"
"I ruined 21 lives in college. I was just getting started."
"This may be where Robert is a Viking, but Eliot's all 'This is SPARTA!'"
"Given how masterfully you're organizing this psychological warfare campaign, it wouldn't surprise me to learn that you destroyed a man's life when you were in college."
"Mayor's chief-of-staff drives man to insanity and homelessness."
"He drinks blood."
"That's a minor detail. I send people hearts in packages, too."
"You haven't yet."
"She punched my lights out, and I knew it was love."
"Dear Eliot, I want to hug you."
"In the daylight."
"So, in your character concept does it say 'sadistic bastard?'"
"I want to see you do that again."
"You know, with your boner."
"That? I can't do that on command."
"Let me shoot at you. Blam!"
"People aren't likely to spike my drink because of who my dad is."
"Who is he, Batman?"
"Some of his friends call him that."
"You seem to have an interesting life, Josette."
"Well, compared to Trotsky and some of the others, I'm perfectly normal."
"I know someone who might be interested in sponsoring you."
"You're a really interesting woman."
"Also, could you kill our vampires for us?"
"Well if you'd short-sell Eliot's stocks like I was tellng you, Josette,
too, could afford to sponsor him. For her 'private stable.' 'Pleeeeease, Daddy?'"
"I don't want to add him to my stable. I don't have a stable. I'm not a rider!" *pause* "Shut up."
"Very well. There's no one left to kill."
"Vampires are vulnerable to fire?"
"Let's go torch his place!"
"Shut up. That's my line. I was going to say something about, 'Morality 4, here I come!'"
"Do you have any idea how to hide a body?"
"At least it wasn't a dramatic failure."
"You can't dramatic fail this roll."
"Oh, we'll find a way."
"I don't think it's possible to. Hmm. I don't know what would have happened, so I'm really glad that didn't happen."
"You instinctively leave your business card at the scene of the crime, with your name and phone number.."
"Okay, everybody release some mucus right here."
"Unfortunately, because you failed the roll, it's going to take thirteen hours to learn this. Probably what happens is like, "Oh, yes, yes, I know how to do this" and then the voice in your head is like "No no! Don't tell them this!" So you're "Well, you do this and then you take the strawberries like so.." And nobody knows what to do, so they're like "Let's go read some books."
"Basically you educate yourselves in applied forensics. Learn what to
look for so when you have to put this Tactic into practice..."
"Thirteen hour CSI marathon, GO!"
"I'm not a rider...Shut up."
"Nobody said anything. Or needed to."
"It was a Freudian Denial."
"If you fail to stab the vampire, Robert and I will have to come rescue
"I probably know a good undertaker who can cover up stab wounds."
"I vote the next time we attack one of Eliot's social Merits with Lobby, we take away his ninjas."
"This is going to be really funny if it succeeds. And by funny, I mean you're gonna hate me."
"It's either agg or lethal, and both kind of suck."
"Yeah, but agg sucks more."
"Damn. I forgot to ask Josette to make molotov cocktails. Normally, I'd make a note on my work Blackberry, but I have to be really careful what I put into it, these days. I'm under a lot of scrutiny, right now, and 'Note to self: get molotov cocktails' is exactly the sort of thing I don't want to include in it."
"Time to find out which of my friends are in the category of friends who will help you move bodies."
"Bo and Roland have been attacked."
"We're next. Woo hoo!"
"You're in your boxers."
"Maybe Emmanuel left some clothes behind. The loneliest clothes."
"Probably fashionable lonely clothes."
"I provide her with the address where Roland and Bo are."
"That is not a good place to be at this time of night."
"You have no idea."
"You find Roland's sword there in a big pile of blood...puddle."
"How did you get burn wounds on your arms?"
"Freak accident involving a deep fat fryer and a bird training session."
"And so the vet walks away with a look in her eye that says, 'I'm posting this on my blog tomorrow morning.'"
"It's the kind of water fishermen drink."
"And that water burned you."
"Yeah, it tasted kind of acidic."
"Was there anything else about the .."
"She was very, very fast - faster than anyone we've ever seen."
"Like a mole."
"The vampire attackers were Arabic, not African, so they're probably not
part of the same group as Mohammad's group."
"Not necessarily. Just because the ethnicity is different doesn't necessarily mean that they're part of the same group."
"True, but we're being racist, here."
"Because this is Hunter."
"In the post office box, you find a pair of chocolate-flavored edible
"I just leave them alone, because usually when they're trying to communicate with us, they communicate in words, not chocolate."
"It's like they're our canaries. They suffer, and then Josette and Robert pick through the information and figure out ways of dealing with the supernaturals that attacked them."
"Can you kill our vampire for us? You know way more fighting styles than we do."
"Robert, do you know anyone who could help us with our hit man problem?"
"Do you know a supernatural hit man, because that would really help us right now."
"While I have a wide network, that's beyond the scope of it."
"Even from a mundane side?"
"How about regular hit men?"
"That's not usually the basis on which I form relationships."
"Take a hip flask, some cigarettes, and a handkerchief, and what do you
"A man of society."
"And also a crude incendiary device."
"I want you to stop off at the liquor store, first."
"I don't need a drink."
"You don't have to need a drink."
"But hip flasks are made of metal."
"Yes, but the contents are not."
"This is my dad."
"Is he a cop?"
"No. We're kind of the opposite of cops."
"Many strange things have been happening to this man."
"Yes. It almost seems like someone is directing these events."
"You claim responsibility?"
"Not at all. I only say it seems like someone is directing these events."
"I only say it seems like I'M THE GODDAMN BATMAN!"
"Talking to the North African vampires was a very bad idea."
"We made out better than you guys did."
"So neener fucking neener."
"They want free reign, don't they?"
"Free reign to be fishermen."
"Poor Scorpion's getting stood up. Manu's not getting over there."
"Go saddle Manu up, girl. Ride him hard, put him away wet!"
"There are vampire assassins that can be hired."
"You say that like it's a good thing. 'There are vampire assassins that we...uh...that can be hired."
"These dice had better behave better tonight, or I'm going to get the
"You should get the hammer now. Put it on the table as a warning."
"You guys are not going to smash dice with a hammer on my dining room table. If you want to smash dice, you can smash them in the driveway like the small children you are."
"This would go so much better if we were wearing antlers. Trust me on
"We're gonna strap a boom box to somebody so we can play Christmas music at 120 decibels."
"We'll break their vampiric spirits that way."
"...had a very shiny gun, and if you ever saw it..."
"You would really want to run."
"All of the other hunters used to laugh and call him names. They wouldn't let poor Roland...something.."
"Turn it into chocolatey games?"
"It is very difficult to get out of a body bag."
"I'll just take your word for that."
"No, you shouldn't. You should test it."
"If you're dropping an atomic bomb in your game, there's no reason to
roll for damage. Focus on what happens *after* the explosion."
"But did it kill the Antedilluvian?"
"The 5,000 Euros you got represents 4 dots of resources you can put into
whatever you want."
"The stock market."
"If I'm bringing my gun, your sword isn't gonna look out of place..."
"The car should be red."
"Actually, if there's one thing I've learned from Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter, it's that black hides blood better than red."
"I was thinking white Ford Bronco, but that's just me."
"Mohammad's allies arrive in a bunch of cheap European cars that look
like they've seen better days."
"And we come up in a really expensive car."
"I look at the pantyhose and say, 'This is very undignified.'"
"Mohammad has a huge sword? I'm totally seeing him as Wesley Snipes. Jinx, it worked. You jerk!"
"The water fishermen drink isn't always acidic. Sometimes it heals."
[about Josette going off on her own]
"What is she doing?!"
"I think she's making sure that if there's anything...I don't know what she's doing."
"Josette apparently thinks she can do something with the security office."
"It doesn't seem like a terrible plan, but I wish she had more back-up."
"It is a terrible plan. I'm in there all alone."
"Do you know what Eliot is?"
"And you work for him anyway?"
"For a paycheck, yes."
"Well, he's probably not going to survive this evening, and he won't be around to protect you."
"Who are you?"
"I can't tell you."
"We're with the mayor's office. We're his secret police."
"I look around. Do I see a hard drive anywhere?"
"The Birgitta Method."
"That actually wouldn't be a problem."
"I rolled worse on initiative, this time."
"Don't roll worse. I need you to go in first and be my front-line...er, I mean..."
*Umlaut passes his morality roll in the aftermath...*
"Okay, you feel really bad about all this."
"No I don't, I'm unconscious!"
"I love it when a cat curls up in my lap at the beginning of the session. It makes me feel like a supervillain."
"Nick hasn't given me a character sheet, yet, so those of you who live
with him, please encourage him to do so soon."
"If he tries to join without a background, we'll just make one up."
"I call his character's appearance - half old woman, half helicopter."
"I call his fetishes, sexual or otherwise."
"The water fishermen drink isn't always acidic. Sometimes it heals."
"It's almost a haiku." *long pause of silent counting* "It's only off by one syllable."
"I think everyone knows the hospital healing rules pretty damn well, now."
"I think if you guys have a running battle in a skyscraper and bleed on 40 floors, you probably won't be able to use this tactic to cover up evidence on all 40 floors, but I think 2 floors is probably okay."
"If you need medical attention, I can care for you."
"There's a whole genre of fan fiction devoted to this."
"While Aðalsteinn is in the hospital, I'm going to see if he'll let me teach his class for him. I'm going to give him a real hard sell about it."
"It's now a bit of a joke among your colleagues that every time something bad happens in Paris, you get beaten up in it."
"They don't yet realize they're dead? Is this something that is gradually
come upon - like existential crises in undergrad?"
"Note to self: Do not attempt to drink while Z is talking."
"This is not something that interests the media like riots."
"No, riots! Just because I'm Russian doesn't mean I'm obsessed with rockets."
"You met some great nurses."
"This is what happens when the hospital you stay in is called St. Bondagefist's."
"Does anyone give him shit about being gassed with mustard gas."
"I was at a riot. It was dark, and I was playing with mustard gas."
"You're setting the wrong precedent here, Beth."
"You're hunters. You're supposed to kill things."
"I'm trying not to draw attention to the fact that these are homemade
"Is that dental floss? Shut up. All they had left was the mint kind."
"If he was able to communicate with you through a series of chocolatey
"Starring Chocolatey Snicket."
"It's like the Micro Machines guy just took over your body."
"Mafia doctor by day. Hunter doctor by night. Doctor No Questions Asked."
"Sometimes I'm not sure I know what's wrong with you."
"I'll take a rainy day over a rain of bullets any day!"
"I thought it was important that since the second-to-last note on Eliot
Abril is 'he had 10 of my friends beat up on March 4,' the last note should
be 'we killed Eliot and one of his allies on 3/27.' I'm closing this case."
"The cemetery is extremely full of poseurs."
"I'm not narrating your encounter with the ghost of Alexandre Dumas."
"He's back for revenge."
"A female ghost approaches you. She's showing a lot of cleavage."
"Is that a see-through shirt you're wearing, or is that just me?"
"Hello there, handsome. Fancy a go?"
"You met a ghostly ho."
"Once you go ghost, you never go back."
"And Jinx just added that to the fleet of ships."
"How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?"
"Or the head of a..."
"She's a ghostitute."
"I could have sworn Beth just said, 'an erection from Bo.'
"I said 'without direction from Bo.'"
"Hey Jinx, you live in Ohio, right? I sometimes come through Ohio."
"She's doomed to spend all of eternity being turned down for sex."
"She's a French-Irish hooker."
"Fiery and romantic."
"I don't think I've ever been with an Icelandic man."
"Make sure you ask her how she died, and make sure it wasn't syphilis."
"Only those of great wealth or fame are allowed to be buried here."
"I'm wondering how she got here. Is this part of the selling point of this particular cemetery? We'll make sure your loved ones get laid on a regular basis?"
"Good night, guys. I have a date in a cemetery."
"Old ghosts get energy from intense emotions."
"Masturbate furtively over one of the gravestones?"
"You will have nightmares tonight. You don't even have to roll."
"The ghost propositioned me."
"If you need me to wait outside, I can."
"I prefer my women to have living flesh."
"Aðalsteinn's type is the same as Bo's type."
"Single male seeks living female."
"You get possessed by a ghost tramp."
"Just use a euphemism. Instead of saying 'torch,' say 'penis.'"
"Your penis is approximately two and a half feet long..."
"I mount my torch."
"After all those euphemisms, you choose that to describe it?"
"I claim Nick's ships. Although I guess I do that anyway. But I'll make
it really juicy if he doesn't get that sheet in soon. Like....he's the
sub in a really kinky BDSM relationship. With, say, a weretiger."
"A weretiger mime."
"I can't get out of the box...oh, screw it, I'm RIPPING my way out, RAAARRRGHHH!!!"
"It's the kinkiest, most painful game of charades you'll ever play!"
"Well, I now have another idea for a sketch."
"Guess the wrong word, and you get razor-sharp tiger claws down your back."
"Good news/bad news... Congratulations. You just received a Relationship Upgrade. Unfortunately, your new designation is 'scratching post.'"
(note from Beth: what is this I don't even know)
"Yes, because that's exactly what I would give you - a book that destroys the Universe if you ask it the wrong question."
"I'm sorry. We couldn't find Roland. He was muttering something about cherry pie."
"Do you leave Roland a voice mail?"
"I have exactly zero faith that he knows how to check it, so no."
"It sounds like most of the people who died stayed dead - or at least if they didn't, they didn't announce their presence to the media."
"Bo is going to call you at 2:30 in the morning. 'Could you come pick
me up on your bike?'"
"Sure. I'll be there in about two hours."
"At least I'm keeping you in the loop. When Roland wanders off..."
"I usually don't know about it until people start trying to kill me."
"In amidst the things they're chanting, they're repeating one word over
and over again."
"So, the upshot of my tarot reading is, 'You'll earn these bears.'"
[Umlaut searches for information on his character sheet for a couple minutes]
"See, this is why you need a spreadsheet."
"Really? He disappears and reappears at intervals? Tell me more about this."
"I am not a witch doctor. I am a real doctor."
"For his occupation, I'm putting 'REAL Doctor.' For supernatural, I'm putting, 'Oh please no!'"
"People used to come here and talk about their hernia in front of God and man."
"I hope that if you ever do have a flesh-eating monster virus you bring it straight to me."
"You ever fall in giant alien slime vat, you come straight to me."
"You are in excellent health."
"For some reason, I heard 'for now' at the end of that sentence."
"Will I seem like a wimp if I have to go in the other room?"
"Just because I didn't doesn't mean you should feel any peer pressure."
"Okay, we will not do that exam while your father is on the other side
of the curtain."
"I see. Your family had a lot of gout in the Middle Ages."
"Lollipops for everybody!"
"They aren't dusty, are they?"
"The jar is dusty, but the lollipops..."
"You're welcome. I am glad to have patients once again. It has been too long." (Scariest. Quote. EVAR!)
"I patch people up. I set the bone. I do the vasectomy. You know."
"I'm pretty much done with mine."
"I do not want any more bombs. I do not want a first bomb is what I mean."
"Let's go to Afghanistan!"
"I actually made plans for what happens if you decide to do that. First, there's the trade embargo. And then you decide to give up and stay in Paris."
"It's not like they're hurting anyone by doing whatever they're doing
in the shed."
"What if they have an innocent person tied up and gagged in there who can't yell for help?"
"That's it. Poke her with the Virtue stick. Poke, poke, poke!"
"There are three ghostitutes there."
"There are not three ghostitutes there."
"There are three ghostitutes there, stroking your chest."
"There are dozens of ghosts of soldiers wandering around."
"They all come over to you and slime you."
"You're going to have to talk to Dr. Freund really, really soon about that."
"There are several hoes hanging on the wall."
"Yeah. They're hanging a bunch of dead hookers on the maintenance shed wall. No."
"The symbol on the wall isn't written in chocolate or blood. It's black
"Are you sure it isn't feces?"
"If you are worthy to stand in my presence, you are worthy to look me
in the face. Either do that or leave now."
"That actually sounds like a good idea, actually."
"Josette is having peer pressure problems today."
"So, you're a ghost whisperer?"
(singing) "As we go down to the woodshed to pray / studying about that good old day / and who shall beat the heathens down / good Lord, show me the way."
"Part of me wants to nuke the tool shed from orbit."
"Part of all of us wants to do that, but we're not going to do it."
"Why not? It would give Robert something to do."
"Why is it bad?"
"Because we don't know a damned thing about it, so it must be bad."
"You know, after worshiping the goddess of war, I think I want to go to church."
"Iceland's national religion is capitalism. I shit you not."
"You go to a bank to worship, but they're not open on Sundays."
"Josette is going to start making very explicit confessions at various churches all across Paris - complete with everything about them actually being vampires."
"Pray for all those souls in hell, because you're going to be joining them soon, so you might as well start sucking up now."
"No, looking at the evil statue did not make you feel better."
"My domain is war. Those who fight it. Those who seek victory."
"What do you want of me, mortal?"
"To burn down your woodshed."
"Mortal, what do you want of me?"
"To love you and call you George? You don't mind if I call you George, do you?"
"How come all your characters end up with bad ass women living in their heads?"
"Farishta is a poseur. She belongs in the graveyard."
"I was just thinking about adding it to Dark Secret. It's Dark Secret 2.0."
"You don't have enough Experience. Get out there and endanger that changeling!"
"Wasn't our agreement to protect that changeling?"
"Someone was paying attention."
"One of the GMs wasn't, so maybe the other two weren't, either."
"You've been working on your vasectomy in increments in your spare time."
"The other half of this game is listening to Nikki type."
"I had a minor run-in with a deity."
"Roland. Where were you the last couple of days?"
"It is a state secret... I cannot tell you what state."
"I'm calling my cousin - the one who's like a sister to me. What was her name?"
"You met the doctor 30 seconds ago, and you're already being shipped, by the way."
"Does he look disappointed that I was only cut up by a sword?"
"What are you laughing at?"
"I think I offended Jinx."
"We don't want you passing out and having a stroke while you are chasing
vampires and such."
"Of course, though we call them fishermen."
"Fishermen? Why do you call them that?"
"It is in case we are overheard."
"We not be overheard here. I search place for bugs, but I didn't find any that weren't in obvious place. Unless of course they hid them in not obvious place so I would find the obvious ones, but I'm not concerned about that."
"Well, if I see you it means you get hurt, and I don't know how I feel about that, but if you get hurt please try to make it interesting."
"I cannot observe these seizures. I need physical manifestation. If all
it does is talk, it doesn't seem like a very present god."
"Yeah. Let's have the god of war manifest itself. That seems like a great idea."
"What he meant is, 'You're going to get hurt.'"
"Do they know you're possessed?"
"No. I haven't told them, yet. I also haven't told them I kind of agreed to be the goddess's priestess."
"The goddess of war just gave her a Nick glare."
"Farishta is an old lady, helicopter goddess?"
"Why don't you tell the rest of the group what you do in your typical
"Out in the forest."
"Buzzing the canopy."
"Well, what did you do with all of Mom's jewelry? Come on, I have been
looking and looking and not found any!"
"Still in the jewelry box in the bedroom, somewhere, I'm sure. I haven't worn it in years. They fit me better than her shoes, though."
"I would be more worried if we were talking about her lingerie."
"I'm sure that reeeeally wouldn't fit me. You probably get your waif-like figure from her."
"Probably. But that stuff can be stretchy..."
"... Let's just say that never crossed my mind."
"Good to know that Robert did not become a cross dresser in the closet after mom disappeared."
"Nope. That would've been a pretty funny coping mechanism, though."
"Or physically restricting. Probably wouldn't be able to move around very well wearing the lingerie of a waif."
"Probably get me some odd looks at the gym, too."
"Mmm.... yes. Though French men are known for being a little more feminine. maybe you could have started a trend."
"Why don't you describe your character to the rest of the group?"
"And then we'll roll initiative."
"She could easily be a fashion model."
"The helicopter blades really do it."
"Yeah, no! Also, you seem to have it in the back of your head that there should be helicopters except there aren't any!"
"Chul-soo gave me the impression you would be more accommodating."
"We didn't order a Korean woman."
"Roland, I think this may be the nuclear bomb you offered to watch for him."
"Would you like some chocolate? There's one last piece left."
"So, I hear you solve...well...I was going to say solve problems, but
that doesn't quite seem right."
"We create problems."
"Vampires are real. Witches have chainsaws. Ghosts haunt buildings. And
we're currently hunting a goddess."
"A minor goddess of war."
"So, what are you?"
"What am I?"
"Robert, I think perhaps that was rude. But she should answer it anyway."
"We also know of someone who was created."
"Have you had many conversations with vampires?"
"Just a few."
"And how did that go?"
"Better than you might expect."
"And you've all seen each other in daylight since then, right?"
"Since you're interested in problems, let me give you one more."
"This is very interesting, but you still haven't answered the question."
"What am I?"
"Yes. If you're a witch, that's okay. We have a couple of friends who are witches."
"I'm not a witch."
"She weighs more than a duck."
"You're not a created person."
"Actually, this would make sense, but you are correct."
"She looks like one."
"Looks like one what?"
"Something that's not human."
"She's not quite hot enough."
"Robert, that was rude, but it's true."
"Emmanuel was a very striking looking person, but she doesn't give me
that feeling. You know that feeling."
"You do not make us want to throw up in the back of our mouths."
"Other than cryptic evasions, what can you contribute to this group?"
"Well, at the moment I have contributed a...problem."
"And it is an interesting problem."
"And I have abilities that will help solve that problem."
"Can you solve problems that you did not cause?"
"Honestly, I haven't looked up his pant leg to see if he has a prosthetic
leg or not."
"I am her father, so I can't ask Josette to do so for us."
"Do you know any self-defense?"
"I can defend myself."
"Good! Can you shoot lasers out of your eyes?"
"No. Can you?"
"Do you know anyone who can?"
"Aðalsteinn did something with the ghosts nearby."
"Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! The ghosts showed him their ooo face."
"You make being a medium bad."
"Roland, do you know how to check your voice mail?"
"What is that?"
"Roland, I probably left you a message when I went up to the monument
"I remember this, now. You kept talking, and I couldn't get your attention. And then you hung up on me. I thought it was odd that you were calling me at 6 in the morning."
"Occupation: Cellist. Supernatural Type: Shifty as hell. Disposition: Suspicious."
"That's what happens when you say, 'I'm king, and I'm in charge, and I demand that our language make sense.'"
"Given that the voice that's currently in my head is angry, and I don't
know anything about this one... How much worse can this really get?"
"Only one way to find out!"
"There is a presence in your mind that does not belong there. This is
"I'm figuring this out, now."
"If you are strong enough to run, I can free you from this control."
"What is the price?"
"Levy the frogs."
"That's where their power comes from - blood, fighting, combat."
"So they're like those people in that one movie? With the punching?"
"Roland breaks into a car and nonchalantly hotwires it."
"What are you doing?!?"
"I have nice clothes. I don't need kevlar."
"Do I look like a man who gets in a lot of firefights? Do you know why? Because I wear my kevlar."
"I need to go put down a goddess. Hopefully, it won't take long. Call me if there's trouble."
"The book doesn't have a price for friggin' cars."
"I'll make sure to include your hypothesis in my report."
"I write regular reports."
"I assume you don't mean the mayor."
"No, he's much too busy for this."
"Dear Mr. Mayor."
"Of course, it would be pretty funny if it turns out that Malus Sylvestris is the mayor in disguise."
"If you give me some of your hair, I can use it to find you if necessary."
"You're not going to...eat it, are you?"
"I shave my beard and put it in an envelope."
"What's the range on your person-finding power?"
"Across a city? Across a nation? Across a continent? Across a planet? Across a galaxy?"
"Across a galaxy?"
"It's a supernatural power. I know nothing about it."
"We have a space shuttle."
"No, I was lying."
"I'm going to call my van The Space Shuttle from now on."
"It has an 8-track player, and it has an 8-track stuck in there."
"And you start it up and you just hear TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLO..."
"You don't have to get out of the car. You just have to get lost and pull into a haunted...whatever."
"Jinx decided to give you a goodbye picture."
"Is that aww, or aww dammit."
"She mentioned retail, and it was like you experienced post-traumatic stress."
"You now have more dice than Eric."
"Stop making me feel inadequate."
"First we punch him in the retail nuts, and now we threaten his dice bag."
"It's larger than average, just not as big as Nikki's."
"Mine is larger than yours, and I'm a girl."
"This is one of the few hobbies where that might actually still be considered insulting."
"Have you ever driven a manual before?"
"Emmanuel? No, he's in Stuttgart, why would I drive him?"
"Do you want to play I Spy?"
"I Spy? I have never played this game. This is not one of those... No, I do not want to play 'I Spy'."
"What is it with you and cars in games, Eric?"
"It's not my car!"
"She doesn't look well. Did she eat the truffles?"
"The mechanic looks at your car."
"Sorry, but I had to put it to sleep. Blam!"
"Nighty fucking night."
"He's a Martian. He's French-Martian."
"It's decorated in the usual rustic French style, which is a little bit
outdated, a little bit tacky."
"A little bit full of iron maidens."
"This is a bed and breakfast, and we cater to young married couples. It
is our policy not to have non-married persons sleeping in the same room."
"Rule One violation!"
"There are some normal rules for the bed and breakfast, and then it gets weird. Things like 'Eating cheese is forbidden' and 'No one is to perform taxidermy in the hotel.'"
"To the bar."
"To the I Hate You Bar and Grill."
"I'm going to order something that will make it obvious if they spat in it."
"We can't call you the Cat Herder in this game. We have to call you the Canary Keeper."
"You see a person in the bar who doesn't look like he belongs there."
"There are some very out-of-date magazines, including one celebrating the end of the war and how the Nazis got kicked out of France."
"You could smack the goddess of war with the magazine of peace."
"They had babe-ality, brutality, animality."
"They didn't go there."
"Okay. Now I'm seeing the 'Finish Him' and Scorpion pulls off his hood and has like an elephant head or something, and then..."
"Back to the game!"
"You may think Nick's character is a civilian helicopter, but she's actually an Air Wolf in a granny outfit."
"Is there anything in the room that would be used for sword maintenance?"
"What, like lube?"
"Robert, how would you like to hear something strange about this hotel?"
"At three in the morning? Not very much. We're supposed to go fight cultists of a war goddess tomorrow, remember?"
"There was a guy who climbed down the wall, took out a sword, and ran into the woods."
"Maybe he was doing...the roleplaying or something."
"Usually in a moment of passion, that's not the kind of groaning you make."
"He's showing you his brains face."
"The man who is staying here. I think he's a superhero or ninja or something.
He has a golf bag full of swords."
"That must make it hard to come in under par."
"Was that a golf joke?"
"That was a three a.m. golf joke, yes."
"Do you know what time it is?"
"What time is it?"
"It is ninja o' clock."
"I thought you were a soldier. Are you a ninja, now?"
"No, but Aðalsteinn saw one."
"Maybe he's after the truffles."
"Don't you want to know what this groaning is?"
"No, not really."
"Then go back to the hotel and go to sleep. We'll make sure it doesn't bite you."
"Do you know something about this that I don't?"
"Who are you with?"
"I'm with the mayor's office, but not in an official capacity."
"I don't know of any mayor who would send people into the French countryside to fight zombies."
"A necromancer brings the body back to life and gives it a command. It
fights. It bites..."
"I told you! It bites."
"It's almost like the zombies are set on a guard."
"Are there any truffles around?"
"That's a ridiculous idea, but probably not a bad one."
"We're looking for clues."
"Looking for clues?"
"Scooby dooby doo!"
"They're kung fu zombies."
"What works on vampires should work on zombies, right? They're like sucky
vampires. They also bite."
"I would suggest you not use that comparison around actual vampires."
"You guys are like zombies."
"The corpse of the cow slowly stands up and shambles toward you."
"You should wave your jacket at him."
"Shut up. I just might. Arturo is the Spaniard here. He should be the one doing the bull fighting. I'm much too dignified for this."
"I hand the shovel to my father and go look for rope in the barn."
"I also have Weaponry 0, you know."
"Let's see, if I attack with the shovel that gives me...a chance die.
Oh fuck it. I'm going to gamble Willpower to bring it up to 1 die. I'm probably
going to botch anyway." *rolls three successes*
"You whack that zombie good and proper."
"I drop the shovel. I have no idea what happened just now."
"It's sad that in this game I can't ride the cow."
"The cow is coming for you, Roland. The cow is out for your blood."
*rolls* "The cow misses."
"Arturo is going to try to finish off the zombie cow with a sword through
it's eye. Unfortunately, he misses. Roland."
"I think Arturo has a better idea of how to fight zombie cows, so I'm going to try to do what he was doing." *rolls* "Three successes."
"Roland manages to get the bull fighter pose just right as he sticks his sword right through the zombie cow's eye, probably shouting something silly."
"Josette, as everyone else is looking for clues about who the zombie master
is, you notice something the others don't."
"It's your zombie master calling you."
"We're moving a little bit off the rails, guys."
"You had us moving off the rails at zombie cow."
"Can I suggest a stealthy approach?"
"We could knock on the door and say, 'Hey, your zombie cow bit my arm."
"And we're gonna sue."
"Your zombie guard cow in your neighbor's vineyard totally bit me."
"What the hell is going on? It's like the War of the Roses except with vineyards and zombies."
"If there are any back doors, there, I want to do them."
"Is the back door locked?"
"No. This is not the kind of town where people lock their back doors."
"They sure will once we're done."
"You're bleeding. I'm bleeding. She's bleeding. Wow, did anyone not take... Hey! Souna, I think we've found a use for you."
"You should just knock on the front door and talk to her."
"I don't think she'll trust me."
"She won't trust you anyway. She's controlling zombies."
"She also won't trust me because I'm coming to her house at 3 in the morning."
"The people in Foissy think they can build their chateau as tall as they
want, and that is why I am writing a strongly worded missive to the local newspaper."
"She comes into the kitchen, where 5 other people covered in blood are
waiting for her, and some of them have weapons."
"Sometimes people can have a latent talent."
"You know that sub we had once? Maybe she'd be willing to come back."
"You mean the one we put in jail? That would be some wacky hijinks."
"I hope that the next time we meet, we will not have to fight zombie cows."
"I think I could learn to like you, Roland."
"Which is another way of saying I don't like you."
"So, that's how that say 'I hate you' in Spanish, eh?"
"I go back to the bar and order more truffles."
"Back for more, I see."
"Yes, they were delicious."
"He whispers in your ear, 'Okay, but it's our little secret, okay?'"
"Of course, I haven't even told my friends."
"As the van rolls out of town, I just have this image of the camera flashing back to the woman, and she says, 'At least I still have Grandmother's ring.'"
"Bo seems to perk up while you're roaming around town, but as soon as
you're in the car again, she's all 'Bleah! Bleah!'"
"No, Bo. Bleah does not start with an L. You're bad at this game."
"Remember what I told you earlier? Kevlar. This is what happens if you
forget to wear it."
"So in the future, what we should remember is that you should take your own advice."
"I spend Experience as fast as I earn it. In fact, if I could spend Experience
before I earned it, I would."
"But then the loan sharks would come, and then you'd be in trouble."
"I'm trying to imagine what an Experience Point loan shark would be like."
"I hope you didn't need to go to work today."
"What? And we just sent Josette with someone we've never seen before?"
"I'm sorry. Metagaming halo got to us. This beam of light came down from the sky and said, 'Send Josette with Arturo while Nikki is in Florida.'"
"He was a nice zombie-killing Spaniard."
"Robert, are you okay with this?"
"What better way to find out about this group than to toss my own flesh and blood beloved only daughter at them and hope she makes it?"
"For Robert so loved the Hunt that he sent his only daughter deep under cover by getting her bit by a zombie and adopted by another hunter group."
"That whosoever hunteth with him shall have bitchin' contacts with the Barrett Commission. Batman 3:16."
"Where are you, Roland?"
"I'm on a bus."
"Where are you going on a bus?"
"I think I'm going to Martinpuich."
"Why are you going to Martinpuich?"
"I think they know what they're talking about, so I'm going to see if I can learn something. I am with some English fellows. I'm trying to fit in."
"I have this angst-bottling factory that I keep in my basement."
"I'm picturing home-canned jars of jam. Angst preserves."
"If I needed your bike, it would have been stolen by now."
"You still need to say or do something to activate your Contract."
"Not in the face!"
"We can no longer tell Beth she never gave us a tank."
"Nothing says 'temple' like a tank."
"Honey, I don't know if we want to pick up strange people on battlefields."
"Don't get caught by Rene."
"Don't worry. He hasn't seen Souna, so I'm going to have her be lookout."
"Robert found another use for you. Congratulations."
"Chirp, canary, chirp!"
"Hey Souna. How good are you at driving a stick shift?"
"I don't know how to drive."
"Then we'll learn together!"
"You're not there, Eric."
"Yes, I know. Noel was just giving me this look like, 'You're not paying enough attention to all the crazy shit I'm saying!" so I had to comment."
"Can I break into a tank? Is that a real question?"
"You feel some pain as some bullets hit you."
"Hey Souna. I have an important word for you:"
Chorus of voices: "Kevlar!"
"I'm not sure how driving toward gunfire will help me..."
"May not help you."
"This is where Medium comes in handy."
"Are you going to try to sucker Farishta? 'I'll totally worship you. Ha ha! Just kidding!'"
"Okay. Fine. I'm going to try to drive the van toward the machine gun fire..."
"If this van explodes on me, I'm not going to be happy, you guys."
"I think the van is too decrepit to explode. I think it would stop running first."
"You should get out and dance on the tank to get their attention."
"No. I'm not going to do that."
"What's your Vice?"
"Oh. Okay. I was going to say that if your Vice was Prudence, you totally have it for this combat."
"Prudence is a Virtue, not a Vice."
"This is a roleplaying game. Prudence is kind of a Vice."
"I very apologetically call into work and tell them my daughter was just
diagnosed with cancer, so I'll be out of the office for a few days."
"They tell you you should take as much time off to deal with that as you need, and you get the sense that you're going to be absolutely inundated with fruit baskets."
"Without anyone to intercept them, this time."
"Allow me to lube up your wound."
"I'm not going to wear a cape."
"You're French. You could pull it off."
"What could better show our commitment to undocumented immigrants than by having one working in the mayor's office?"
"Roland chokes a bit and you hear a 'ting, ting, ting, ting.' 'They put
coins in there!'"
"Yes, I know. That's why I told you not to eat the Cocoa Puffs."
"Is he sticking a cross in his butt?"
"No, that's actually a crucifix."
"Team Wander Dangerous Neighborhoods at Night."
"I'm not on that team."
"I know you can't botch on multiple dice in this game, but I just rolled three 1s and a 7."
"I look at Bo and then I whisper to the shopkeeper, 'I think I'm crazy.'"
"This one is for constipation. That one is for blood pressure."
"I'll take the constipation."
"So, you just made an appointment with a Chinese medical practitioner
at 10am tomorrow."
"I'll bet that's where you thought this session was going."
"This medicine is for...female problems."
"I have problems with women all the time."
"I'm probably guessing that you made up a yucky old man problem like 'my butt is hanging below my knees.'"
"Maybe Bo should go work for Robert."
"No. I'm not taking orders from him."
"You have been taking orders from him."
"I do not want you to be on fire unless it is dragon fire."
"Do you read German?"
"Oh, you used to?"
"Then I give you acupuncture book and dictionary, and you figure it out."
"Were any of the herbs in this shop magical or something?"
"I don't think so, but there were a lot of strange things there - things she would not let me buy."
"Where did you say this shop was again?"
"Maybe you should ask Aðalsteinn for help finding an intern."
"Um, no. I have real friends who are teachers."
"Let's see. What would you roll to find a good intern?"
"Stamina + Academics."
"You know, my boss would agree. He hates doing interviews."
"Manipulation + Brawl."
"Actually, Resolve + Academics."
"Let's see. Am I tactless enough to ask the temp to help me hire the intern that's going to replace her?"
"Juggling geese is totally Dexterity + Animal Ken."
"Dragon mating rituals? Really?"
"All these abductions stories remind us of something. What was it?"
"That time we dealt with that one thing one time?"
"Oh yeah! The ogre. There was an ogre we met who talked about being abducted by someone. The ogre was really smelly. Have you ever met an ogre? Are you sure you haven't met an ogre? I'll tell you all about the ogre."
"I'm going to go get more wine. Does anyone else want more wine?"
"Why did the ogre give you this token?"
"Oh, he did not give it to us."
"Than why do you have it?"
"Because he didn't need it anymore."
"What do you mean?"
"He disappeared one day."
"In the beginning, there was this ghost."
"We should investigate this restaurant."
"And make sure they haven't started serving some exotic meat pies."
"Has there ever been a game where I didn't have to make up new lyrics to Sweeney Todd?"
"Souna, you should pretend to be an abductee and go to the abductee support
"That's a good idea. Do you think you can convince them that you're an abductee?"
"Maybe it's a trap by those people the ogre was worried about."
"I think it's time for you to roll your Clarity."
"Eventually, you're going to have to tell us the truth. Otherwise we'll continue to make you roll your Clarity."
"People are giving you some strange looks when you start talking about
"A toast. To the roleplaying."
"They would believe me if I told them I was abducted by aliens, wouldn't they?"
"I'm bringing my hip flask and lighter stuff."
"Do you have a pyro flaw?"
"No, I don't have a pyro flaw. It's just a comfort item."
"That is a pyro flaw."
"I don't know whether they're working, but they taste good."
"That's unusual. Most people say they taste disgusting."
"'They taste sort of like' and I say something Russian."
"Which translates to, 'Eating your own shit fried with onions.'"
"They left out the part where they were contract killers for a fetch. That was convenient."
"How did you come about this? Are you some kind of abductee-see-er?"
"Yes, I'm an abductee."
"Does that mean you look different on the inside?"
"You look different on the inside, too, you know."
"No, I mean, do you have big ears or antlers or something?"
"No, I don't have antlers."
"I was going to go to confession yesterday, but after I found out we were going to see the butt crucifix concert, I decided to wait until Friday."
"They pat you down and find your flask. 'Sorry, sir, no outside beverages.'"
"You've been disarmed by no outside beverages."
"Roland, you're the cool old guy. They invite you into the mosh pit, and soon they convince you to do a stage dive, and then you are crowd surfing. You've clearly made some friends among the fans of Chrétien Morte."
"His show is filled with shocking and blasphemous imagery."
"I'm Icelandic. I don't care as long as he doesn't insult the faeries."
[singing] "Smash the frickin' fairies/ Smash the frickin' fairies/ Smash the frickin' fairies/ Bash them in the head."
"You guys are going to have so much fun. He throws the best after parties!
I'm so jealous."
"It's been a long time since I've done cocaine."
"Where's your sense of adventure?"
"In my other pants."
"So, who are you with?"
"Every time someone asks us that, I want to say 'the mayor's office.'"
"So, this Foundation. Do they give you anything good?"
"Sometimes. They give us lots of chocolate."
"You sound like the most boring person under the sun."
"Oh, he is."
"I need to create two sets of business cards - one for the mayor's office,
and one for people who kill vampires."
"Just don't get them mixed up."
"I learned that these guys screwed up and killed an ogre."
"That's an important lesson."
"I did not learn that they acted as a hit squad for a fetch."
"But it will be an interesting day when you do."
"You can hear ear hair in Roland's message."
"How long do I need to study acupuncture before I can pretend to need a volunteer?"
"You seem a little large for a faerie."
"She doesn't have wings or antlers."
"Do some faeries have antlers?"
"That will be my lesson for tonight - some faeries have antlers."
"The big, cold iron statue is just a comfort item. It makes me feel better
about my abduction."
"It's the only one that loves me."
"Look, I am not a stalker."
"I hear a foghorn. It could be that we are in a shipping lane."
"He's an electrician."
"Is he also a plumber?"
"I don't know. If he does, he plumbs on his own time."
"He plumbs on the side."
"He plumbs on the sly."
"Are you guys going together or separately?"
"Not super together, but together."
"Go on, Aðalsteinn. Spin them a story about your abduction."
"Be careful, though. You might turn into a ninja."
"It appears I've made a hash of things. Let me explain about the faeries."
"Oh. But here is where the food is."
"First of all, she's a faerie, but she doesn't have antlers."
"Souna rolls her eyes."
"Don't worry. It will be over soon."
"You have no idea how much that comforts me."
"You know, it would be a lot easier if you explained it to me yourself instead of having Roland tell me."
"She assures us that she does not have antlers."
"Yes, although why you think I might have antlers is beyond me."
"There is a certain regal...reindeerish quality to you."
"Santa's sleigh is being pulled by Souna, who is now apparently part old lady, part helicopter, part reindeer."
"To get back on track, you are not human."
"We didn't say you weren't a person. We simply said you may not be human."
"They're talking about breaking and entering through a locked door. This might be a good time to speak up!"
"Cold iron antlers."
"That's like the worst gift to get a changeling ever."
"If one of the Gentry shows up and you fight it, all we can do is say nice words at your funeral."
"Knowing is half the battle, unless you're fighting gods."
"The group I worked with got this token from the ogre they killed. Their
encounter with the ogre apparently went poorly."
"For the ogre."
"Do you not wish to see the Faerie King?"
"Maybe it's a compulsion for Souna to talk about how hot the Faerie Queen
is. It's a compulsion she laid on you."
"Especially if she's not. She's an ogre."
"She's an ogre with a bow tie."
"I'm sending SCP a report on everything that's going on, withholding only
enough information about Souna to keep it from being traced directly to me by
a third party."
"Hey, I'm a member of your team."
"Don't feel bad. He's been sending SCP reports on all of us."
"I watch you do this with your dice every week, and I have no idea what
the logic is behind it. Is it the order in which they were weaned? Do they have
ranks and sub-commanders, and do you award them medals?"
"I came into your room, and you had that one scene from A New Hope playing over and over again. You know, the one where Chewbacca doesn't get a medal."
"And by 'French' I mean 'Award Ceremony.'"
"There is something very penile about those antlers."
"Is 'phallic' the word you're groping for?"
"Noel's got a case of the sillies tonight."
"I was just poring over something really, really ridiculous to do, and it all just came to me in one big squirt."
"Where are you going shopping?"
"I'm not really sure?"
"What are you buying?"
"A large quantity of little wooden shoes."
"If she does something terrible to me, I won't feel bad about whatever happens to her."
"You get Rumpelstiltskin."
"If you say the other lawyer's true name, they lose the case."
"Josette ends the conversation with, 'Braaaaains! I mean, I love you.'"
"Souna's a catgirl?"
"Yes, she's a catgirl."
"Old lady helicopter reindeer catgirl."
"The closest person to 'no one here' is? Cuz we already know Souna's not human."
"The Icelandic have their own logic, now?"
"Yes. All their logic symbols have umlauts over them."
"By the way, the king has antlers."
"For most people in a roleplaying game, 'take in a museum' would mean something completely different from going to a museum, but for you, that's all it means."
"Is that a....what is that?"
"What does it look like?"
"A wooden...shoe...full of candy?"
"Because that is what the fairies like!"
"And what is Souna doing?"
"...You know, I'm just going to sit there and look amused."
"My friend, who drives tanks, says that it takes NINE GALLONS of diesel gas to start the tank. So he figures he's got good job security - it cost SO MUCH just to train him to drive one that he'd have to do something really terrible to get kicked out."
"'...I invited them to investigate because the abilities of Changelings have failed us here. I do not believe this was a case of lack of aptitude, but of laziness.' A lot of people start looking pissed, the Summer Queen and Winter King are all "Oh No You DIDN'T"...and the Autumn Queen just has a little smile on her face, and....it would not be inappropriate to picture her with popcorn."
"She's trying to figure out if any of her Kith blessings will help here,
and they won't."
"Now if I'd been JUGGLING..."
"Perhaps the rest of these investigators have some testimony to add."
Parrot Voice: "NOT GUILTY! NOT GUILTY! Had it coming to him! Had it coming to him!"
"It is my duty to protect the interests of the Gentry -"
"THAT'S an interesting thing to say in front of Changelings..."
"So the final vote is 6 votes for banishment, 4 for the death penalty."
"Two votes for pizza."
"I believe that closes that matter. Are there any other issues to bring
before the court?"
*Noel starts chortling*
"Oh no. OH NO!"
"Oh yes! I have brought gifts!"
"The Winter King is like what the hell? The Autumn Queen kind of smiles, looks amused and opens a chocolate... And the Spring King looks perplexed and asks, '...What is the meaning of this?'"
"Oh! It is widely known in Mother Russia that this is the traditional gift to show respect for the fae!"
"That is very kind of you, Roland. Please record his gift in the log, Steward."
"I got in the book!"
"There was a trial."
"Yes. Thank you. Also, I didn't go to the faerie kingdoms today."
"What do we think we are going to find down there?"
"They can only shamble diagonally."
"Will this student continue training my bird?"
"Is 'phallic' the word you're groping for?"
"The best part about that is that it wasn't intentional."
"Yes it was. It totally was."
"I'm not going to send Mohammad twenty pounds of bacon or anything."
"Shaped like his head."
"And with a stake through it."
"You should send it with a live puppy."
"I wear my train-riding suit."
"You have a train-riding suit? What does that look like?"
"It's just like my regular suit, but it's the one I wear on trains."
"Give me a word to describe this NPC."
"What is this blog?"
"It's kind of like reporting except it pays a lot less. And it's on the internet."
"Oh yes. One of those things."
"For some reason, whenever Roland says 'it's one of those things,' I want to object and say, 'No, no, no! It is not one of those things!'"
"You don't know what ghost groaning sounds like."
"You'd know what ghost groaning sounds like if only you'd taken the ghostitute's offer."
"No ghosts on the ghost train."
"You can have a supernaturally huge wang."
"We're going to hang a barf bag around Bo's neck like a big feed bag."
"I don't think her dignity will allow that."
"Do you like wine? ...Milk?"
"Maybe Korean cats like milk."
"It's okay to be racist in Europe as long as you're racist against Gypsies."
"I'm not including the Gypsies in my blog entry."
"And then we humbly received our Gypsy curses."
"They'll shrink our heads."
"You could probably do that with Photoshop pretty easily."
"That would create such an outcry if you posted that on the official Paris city website."
"Hands off The Treasure!"
"Cat, why are you eating biscuits? Why are they so delicious?"
"I was asking myself the same question when I had my fourth one."
"You only had four."
"How many did you have?"
"I don't even know."
"It's amazing how much large cats act like house cats. The last time I was at the Como Zoo, I watched a lion play with his balls for about 10 minutes."
"You may think she's just smoking impolitely, but she's just missing her
"What? No! That's tea cups!"
"Tug the rope once for 'Pull me up' and twice for 'Oh my God, giant sea
"And three times for 'I found R'lyeh.'"
"There are carvings down in the catacombs, but I couldn't read them because
the water was too murky."
"Hastur, Hastur, Hastur, Hastur..."
"Nick, how are you guys getting home tonight?"
"I'm going to fly. I've got a helicopter parked on the roof."
"Are you inviting Souna with you?"
"Of course. That's what you're here for - to listen to me talk to people in Italian."
"One doesn't simply walk into the Vatican."
"The first rule of catacombe is you do not talk about catacombe. Especially in Purgatorio."
"She's like a nun bishop. She can only nun diagonally."
*tune of Dragnet* "NUN nun NUN nun! NUN nun NUN nun NUUUN!"
"This is like a bizarre E.T. They're going to make a trail of beer bottles and hope the fish monster follows it into their trap."
"We tried to raise spirits like you said, but there was only one ghost,
and she wouldn't leave the church."
"I'm not even going to ask. They bought beer, and that's all that matters."
"If they come answer the door, they probably have not been accosted by
"But you should ask to be sure."
"You can't tell whether he's angry or just Italian."
"His alignment is Sketchy Neutral."
"You sign this paper, I give you rim job."
"I know nothing about cars."
"Didn't Josette know like everything about cars?"
"The theme of tonight's session is 'goddammit, we need Josette.'"
"You should break into his house and install the car accessory. That would be a threat and a bribe."
"With all this good luck we're having, maybe we should go gambling."
"That seems like a great way to ensure we run into the Mafia more quickly."
"I'm thinking of buying Occult 5."
"There is no reason for anyone to have Occult 5. Unless you have to make an Occult roll in the middle of a gunfight. In the dark. During a major thunderstorm. While suffering from wound penalties."
"I think in that situation, you would just have a chance die."
"If you buy Contracts of Darkness, you get a flashlight to shine up under your face."
"How did you make an enemy of the prime minister?"
"Casual hate sex."
"That's it. Mad Man Silvio Berlusconi sure loves his man-on-man hate sex."
"My brush is in my hotel room. If I don't call you by midnight tonight..."
"Comb your hair."
"Yeah. Seriously. You look like a slob."
"Good news. I didn't end up on the bottom of a river."
"You should send her to a hospital in Stuttgart. In a carriage."
"Drain the ghost tea out of the catacombs, and all we have to do is before
we drain the water, put ghost dispersants in the water."
"Teabag the ghosts."
"Why are you crouching in the water repeatedly?"
"Sum, es, est. Summus, estes, sunt. Hic, haec, hoc. Huius, huius, huius.
Horum, horum, horm. I'm done."
"Too legit to quit?"
"Too legit to quit is not Latin."
"I neglected to mention that the ghost was wearing a toga and Hammer pants."
"He was yelling, "Stop! It's hammer time," in Latin."
"Hey Beth? I know this is completely inappropriate, but I'm going to do it anyway."
"You now have an off-brand Batman action figure - Bitmen."
"We're writing an impromptu speech for Souna to give."
"SCP isn't useless, but we can't help but joke about how every time we say 'what's up with this?' their response is "we don't know, but it sounds very interesting, so you should investigate it.'"
"Again, I think you're getting Neptune confused with Uranus. [pause] It gets less funny every time I say it, doesn't it?"
"Why do we hurt the ones we love?"
"Because they taste better than the ones we don't."
"The priest of Neptune hated Christians."
"Jesus was a total dick to him."
"So why was he buried in a catacomb with Christians?"
"Because Neptune hated him."
"I'm No Fun Umlaut."
"What do you think the priest of Neptune is going to do? Is he going to
raise up all the Christian ghosts and get in a fight with them?"
"What happens when ghosts fight?"
"SCP has a total boner, right now."
"'SCP, what happens when ghosts fight?' 'We don't know. Why don't you find out?' Quest log added. 'Fuck you guys!"
"Let's hope we are just dealing with a ghost and not a ghost plus a deity."
"He hates Christians, and now the Vatican owns his body."
"We should tell your Mafia friends that this sarcophagus is very valuable."
"That's like just giving the Ark of the Covenant to the Nazis. I figure it's a problem that will solve itself - probably with face-melting and screaming. Totally not our fault. We just provided you guys with the priceless artifact. It wasn't our fault that you didn't know what the fuck to do with it."
"We don't know what will happen. We have an unpredictable haunted sarcophagus. We have no idea what will happen if it falls into the hands of the Mafia. [pause] I'm not against this plan."
"I'm going to tell the Mafia about this and my friend in the Vatican."
"Kick that anthill!"
"It's like kicking two anthills. Kick the Mafia anthill. Kick the Vatican anthill. Watch them fight from a safe distance."
"The chain snaps, and the sarcophagus plunges down right into the mud."
"Teabag it! Teabag it! You've already pissed off the ghost."
"Heloise definitely seems glad to welcome your company after you saved
"Make a play! Make a play!"
"She mentions though that she thinks she's allergic to your shampoo."
"Stop turning me on!"
"I get all red and rashy."
"If you saw one here, you would tell me, wouldn't you?"
"'Oh, absolutely.' It's not like I can see ghosts."
"Is there anything anyone else wants to do?"
"Yeah. I'm going to go...actually, no. I don't speak Italian."
"Is there anything I know she likes?"
"She's really fond of shoes, of course. She also likes a particular kind of candy."
"You should buy shoes and put candy in them."
"Where larceny fails, try legitimately hailing a cab."
"Souna, are you spying on me?"
"'Robert doesn't pay me to spy.' Actually, he doesn't pay me at all."
"There's all SORTS of things going on in this game you know nothing about,
"Yeah. I'm getting that sense. Mark my words, we're those first couple marines going down to the planet's surface to investigate the source of these weird readings our scanners picked up and hoping we don't encounter xenomorphs."
"Oh look, there's a facehugger!"
"This would be an awesome time to go to a Pope's restaurant. So when the inevitable face-to-face with the mafia goes down, that's where you arrange the meet."
"Hey Roland, can I borrow you for a minute."
"And your crowbar."
"I do not have a crowbar."
"I need to get in this door."
"Hey Souna, can I borrow you for a minute?"
"I'm sorry I didn't think to install Skype on my old laptop two days ago."
"Because that's how long it takes to boot up."
"I have no idea. I just read what's here. And I'm in no way responsible for what's here."
"The priest of Neptune hated Christmas."
"That's Christians, not Christmas! The Grinch who stole Saturnalia."
"Does anyone else want to explain to Bo what happened?" *long silence* "Classic case of Aðalsteinn's problem."
"Dealing with kidnapping is not normally our..."
"No. Not our M.O., either, but I meant it's not something we normally deal with."
*Beth describes Umlaut's dream* "...And you were riding in a green convertible
and waving at everyone with the 'beauty queen' wave."
"...Ok he was DEFINITELY dreaming at that point, because he doesn't DO beauty queen waves.."
"When he's awake. Maybe when he's asleep.."
"Instead of snoring, I beauty-queen wave out the train window while I'm asleep."
"You gotta get the elbow thing going."
Z: "You guys are really creepy."
"Anything else anyone wants to do on the train?"
"Snakes on a train. I've had enough of these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking train."
"So we're going to go to the goose-fucking basilica and have a great time."
"What are you guys doing?"
"We're waiting for Robert to tell us we can break into the house, I think."
"Souna, the cat *really* likes you. It keeps trying to sniff your butt."
"French and Italian are very similar languages. You just pronounce more letters and add an o to the end of some words."
"Are you going to be staying at the house?"
"All four of you?"
"Nonononono. NOT all four of us..."
"So you both hide in the closet for like an hour or two, and they aren't
showing any signs of leaving. Is there anything you do while you're hiding in
*stage whispered* "Silence your cell phones!"
"Doo dee doo doo doo dee doo doo doo dee doo doo doooooo."
"You manage to outrun the large group of burly men with chains who look like they might want to beat you up. So that's always nice."
"I flash some money at him and yell, 'Follow that boat!'"
"You see three boats go whizzing by in the opposite direction that you're
walking. Robert and Bo are in the third boat, urging the driver on."
"I think we're going the wrong way."
"My Morality's not that low, I can't do that."
"Hah. You certainly can!"
"You threaten him with your knife, and he steps backward until he falls
off the boat."
"I start the boat's engine and follow the other boats."
"Now you're a pirate. Yar!"
"Umlaut is now a snowman ninja pirate. He's even got a bird to sit on
his shoulder. Who may or may not be willing to say, 'Polly want a cracker.'"
"Umlaut is a cracker! Craw!"
"It's a speedboat with six people in it."
"Six point five. Six plus the ghost."
"I dunno. Looking back, I don't think the ghost counts as 1/2 a mafioso. More like 50 mafiosos."
"Clearly it was Hammer Time. I'm not sure how many mafiosos it'd take to fling a gondola complete with gondolier. That sounds like the lead-in to a joke."
"You get hit in the face with several trout."
"Malkav has his revenge."
"I picture the driver as like a sixteen year old on summer break."
"What I did on summer vacation."
"We need your power to work this time."
"My voice is still a bit hoarse. It's okay as long as I drink a lot of
"You should switch to beer."
"I already have a beer."
"She's way ahead of you, Noel."
"So, does anyone have experience to spend?"
"I was thinking about that."
*30 second pause*
"I might raise science."
"Does anybody OTHER than me have science?"
"I have two dots of science, and a specialty."
"I have no science."
"I have one dot of science."
"I have SCIENCE!"
"So I'll take that as a 'no.'"
"Heh...we were asked a question, weren't we?"
"Jinx says there's no comic this week because the only idea he had would,
and I quote, 'be as well-received as a letter bomb.'"
"Wait. There's actually a line? And he didn't cross it?"
"It seems somehow fitting that Venice's street plan would be impenetrable even to changeling magic."
"Kind of the opposite here."
"In soviet Venice, street plan penetrates changeling magic?"
"I don't think a ghost counts as half a manifesto."
"Roland, you come to your senses standing in what seems to be someone's
house. You have no idea what day it is or how you came to be here. You can hear
someone moving around in another room."
"Run into the woods!"
"Your luggage, unlike the rest of you, appears undisturbed."
"As you walk through the train station, a lot of people are looking at
you like they recognize you. They smile and wave as you go by."
"By the way, you now have Fame 3 in Venice."
"I don't know if I want to appear on the other side of the door without
knowing what's there."
"If you get into trouble, scream."
"That's not encouraging."
"In our defense, Souna, you got beat up a whole lot less than the rest of us did."
"We need a ghost sign. We have used car salesmen and fishermen."
"This place has a mold problem."
"Do you smell something? Is that mildew?"
"Woo hoo! SIX successes! Buwahaha! It's okay. You're not gonna die. (I think)"
"Don't make us call Ashwood Abbey on your asses. Literally."
"What on earth is going on?"
"Julien, you don't really want to know. Just plug your ears and go la la la la la."
"Someone just walked through a door right in front of me! It's hard to just..."
"La la la la la."
"All of you see this greenish-white energy congeal into the form of a
man in a toga."
"Hey Julien, remember when I said that if I ever saw a ghost, I'd let you know? I'm letting you know."
"This huge wave of water shoots up out of the fountain toward you."
"I take out the umbrella and open it."
"Tell the ghost we couldn't bear to see him buried with all those Christians."
"He says he wants to wipe all the Christians off the face of the planet."
"It's okay. Nobody actually believes in God anymore anyway. Deus mort est."
"I try to comfort the Roman ghost."
"I'm not clear on the distinction between the Italian government and the
"Aha! You're learning!"
Z: "Alright, I will call Robe - I mean, Roland's - MY GOD! I hate you
Noel: *chortles* "Go, me!"
"We gotta start coordinating character names."
"If you didn't know, there was a game that had three characters named Ezekial in it, all of whom were named independently."
"No, no, TWO of them were named independently..."
"..And the other was named OUT OF SPITE. 'No, I'm Ezekial, too. There's nothing you can do about it.'"
"Did I mention my character was obsessed with coincidences?"
"We rescued you from the portal people. You are going to lend us your
"If we have to move a body, you're the first person on our list, now."
"Don't tell Lord SCP about Lord Neptune's realm."
"Why? They can investigate it to their heart's content."
"Because they'll send us to investigate it."
"Is Souna under the Friends list or the Supernaturals list?"
"She's on the Supernaturals list."
"So, what are you going to do when you Awaken? Are you going to put *yourself* on the Supernaturals list? Or are you going to make Supernaturals the new Friends, and Friends changes to Mundanes? That'd sorta be awesome and full of Hubris."
"Do you know who would be even worse to give Fate magic than me? Nikki."
"His name is Sébastien?"
"Please tell me he's a singing crab."
"Under the sea!"
"Roland is a one-person crowd."
"A crowd? He's a whole block party."
"You can recognize me because I'll be the person in the place that is
wearing a red scarf."
"Okay, um. I'll be wearing.......sunglasses."
"No, he'll be the one in the Batman costume."
"He's a priest by profession and a wizard by..."
"More like evocation."
"Aren't you going to commission a tapestry of the ogre-slaying?"
"In the tapestry of the trench battle, Aðalsteinn is on fire screaming,
but everyone else looks all heroic."
"You have to make sure Souna is dancing on the tank."
"I'm excited to meet him."
"Yes, Roland, I've warned him that you would be."
"While they're discussing Parisian politics, we're discussing important things, like 'What if Batman was a monkey?'"
"It's a very tasty devil's food chocolate cake."
"Any money in it?"
"No. You already still have plenty of money left from SCP."
"It's full of diamonds!"
"We're saving up for a tank."
"A tank costs Larceny 5."
"Why does this tail look like a penis?"
"I am definitely not Penis Bear."
"Where on the bear did the bad man touch you?"
"Is Phallic Bear the word you're groping for?"
"It's a tail, not a very, very small penis. At least make it huge!"
"It's beautiful, Jinx, and stop listening to Noel."
"So her hair can be Cousin It now."
"So you get this campaign going saying, 'Hey, wow, this guy did a great
thing, and he did it all non-lethally, and doesn't that reflect well on our
police department that he didn't have to SHOOT anybody to accomplish this?'"
"Unlike those damn Americans."
"Those damn DIRTY Americans."
"BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM! Put up your hands! ..Dammit."
"Quit resisting arrest!"
"Oh, I might be confusing the police with our group, uh, nevermind..."
"One could say part of our group *is* the police."
"Is this guy real, or did you make him up?"
"Okay. I just wanted to make sure before I put all sorts of stuff on the Internet about how he's possessed by a demon."
"I tried googling him, but all I could find was this demon possession stuff..."
"You're the last scion of the Aðalsteinn Aðalsteinnson incest
"You just completely spoiled that story arc, Noel."
"I'm taking all the genealogy records and burning them."
"All the women were named Aðalsteinnarita."
"What does the torch burn? Oil or wood or..."
"Wood? You have some funny ideas about torches."
"Shove a log in."
"First of all, your bird freaks out and starts squawking and yelling out every word that it knows, including some you've never heard it say, at the top of it's lungs, plus all the stuff you've been trying to teach it all this time. So that's like 'Goddamn, bird, you've been holding out on me all this time!'"
"But as you're looking at the torch, something strange happens. While
the flame of the torch was just gaily flickering before, you know, "I am
a flame on a torch" - NO, that is NOT what I meant... You're a bad person
and you should feel bad. ....Cheerful, we should use the word 'cheerful,' because
language is a fucking MINEFIELD in this group, and you just can't get anything
"Are you okay, Kelly?"
"That's it, you little turd, you broke Kelly."
"Are you gonna tell anybody about your torch adventures?"
"Oh, Robert wouldn't mind if I don't tell him about this..."
"You better damn well tell me, though."
"Everyone shares secrets with Bo; no one shares secrets with me. I dunno why.."
"That's because I don't TELL any of these secrets. And I don't use them against you."
"She doesn't report on us to SCP."
"That's true, too, actually!"
"'Don't feel bad, he does it to all of us...'"
"I want to know why I'm the one on the floor and she gets the bed."
"Because you're supposed to be a gentleman and let her have the bed."
"Also because you'd melt on the bed and then it'd spoil it for both of us."
"Also because you have the razor blade to cut the Achilles tendon."
"*chuckle* Oh, too bad! Nikki's not here to hear that."
"You know what'd happen if Trotsky were there, don't you?"
"No, I'm not thinking about it that hard."
"You two would get the room together, and Snowman would just be stationed, inside. In the shadows."
"Snowman likes to watch?"
"I think Snowman likes to stand guard, and maybe also to watch, I don't know."
"That's an idea!"
"Why do you keep calling him Trotsky tonight?"
"Because it's less likely to end in 'Robert.'"
"You learn a bit about acupuncture from Roland. And strawberries."
"One wonders whether you learn about strawberries from Roland or about acupuncture from strawberries."
"That's the problem with being a catgirl; you have to clean your own litter box."
"Jinx, you can draw that picture."
"Jinx, don't draw that picture."
"Especially with the propeller blade spinning."
"They say some girls hover when they use the bathroom..."
"There's some shit hitting the fan."
"So this is what happens when Nick's not here. We get all scatological about his character. It's all his fault."
"You know who this guy reminds me of, from a character perspective? Detective Marsh."
"Yeah...that didn't go so well."
"Yeah, that guy had a big bullseye on him and it was labeled 'plot'"
"No, Detective Marsh, I want you to DIE!"
"I guess he fared better than the other detectives."
"There was the detective that you murdered and shoved out the porthole. There was the detective that turned you in, and then Archer overheard him and had to kill him..."
"How did we get away with this? Oh, right, PCs."
"The torch burned Bo's hand but not Aðalsteinn's."
"It's because Umlaut's heart is so cold."
(singing) "Sub-Zero! Ohhh your life is a mystery."
"Don't say 'Mrs. Doubtfire' and 'climax' in the same sentence."
"Could you try not being magical?"
"I try, but it's not easy."
"It's going to be a lot harder when you Awaken."
"It's your destiny! Asshole!"
"Or, 'Do dee doo dee doo asshole.'"
"Nono. In Icelandic."
"Ver de ver de verr."
"That's the one."
"I notice your bird doesn't like the torch."
"No, he doesn't."
"It is, shall we say....urrrmmmmm......"
"'It is, shall we say,' and then you say something in Russian."
"When we were in Eliot's place, I kind of took something before I passed
"I felt the need, the need for greed!"
"I've been having a lot of dreams lately."
"Do they involve Neptune's trident being covered in blood?"
"No. They involve this torch, rich treasures, and Cleopatra's Needle."
"I'm writing you a prescription for a mystic."
"Also, I talked to Bo about this, and she pointed out that the Watcher in the Belfry mentioned Cleopatra's Needle was a place of power."
"Did she also consult Father Bruno?"
"Let us not consult him just yet."
"He may not know anything?"
"Or he may have to tell 'them' what he knows."
"I find it unlikely that anyone would not know....not knowing...if you draw power from these places of power like the Watcher said, and she knew? And these people that Father Bruno is terrified of, I'm pretty sure *they* know."
"Yes, but I don't know that we want them to know that we know."
"But Bruno already knows that we know."
"Father Bruno, you are our ace in the hole."
"He's the ace in our hole."
"I have old blood, so I started look in my family lineage.."
"My blood is older than yours."
"...Uh, yes, I meant in the family tree sense, Roland."
"Trees don't have any blood."
"They're such saps."
"And yes, there were a few Aðalsteinn Aðalsteinnssons out there."
"What do they call their daughters?"
"Aww, no Aðalsteinnaritas for you."
"Do you have a nuclear device in your apartment?"
"Because it's funny, I probably have a..."
"A weird aerodynamic thing labeled "Little Boy.""
"No, I do not have a little boy in my apartment."
"Wow, I wasn't even thinking about the double entendre there."
"I have this thing that looks like it belongs in a war memorial, and now that you look, it might BE from a war memorial. It looks like it might have been a bomb, but on second look it has a plaque on the side saying something in Russian."
"He set you up the bomb."
"And it has been turned into a table."
"I haven't seen Robert in a while. Please tell him I'd love to have dinner with him some time."
"Please tell him I'd love to have sex with him some time."
"He's started closing the bathroom shades when he showers..."
"Tip her well for a happy ending. Wait, no."
"Should I? Hmm, yes. Robert is going to get a text: 'Damiane would like to see you.' I was tempted to say 'She wants you.'"
"Yeah, add her to my to-do list."
"To do: Damiane."
"Go back and salt the earth."
"I don't need to salt the earth. It salts itself."
"If Nikki were here, she'd go back and salt the earth."
"Who says she didn't?"
"You are concerned, however, at the absolutely insane fire hazard at my
"Do you have a clear path to the door, and a fire extinguisher?"
"Mmmmm...yes. It looks really old, though."
"She's going to go out tomorrow and buy you a new one, and give it to you. With a bow on top."
"He's turned the nuclear warhead into a table."
"Into a footrest."
"I put my feet up on the world's destruction."
"The mob boss's name is Stinky Pete. He doesn't wear shoes."
"Is he a hobbit?"
"A hobbit mobster. A hobster."
"We need to get our portmanteaus under control."
"Never gonna happen."
"Port man troll."
"It was secret tunnels under a bank vault! How much more of a secret lair
could you want?"
"They were very small tunnels."
"We have to find a way to sneak a lit torch into the Place de la Concorde.
It's 2010, right?"
"Aww. No summer games."
"The old Russian version of Forrest Gump. I just picture Roland jogging
around inspiring people. But instead of the have a nice day smiley face and
shit happens, he inspires them to kill zombies."
"Life is like a bag of borscht. You don't want to drop it off a third story balcony."
"Ten little zombies walking in a line. I shot one with a shotgun, and then there were nine."
"I have an idea. We need costumes. This is a monument to Egyptian..."
"Yes, that's it."
"Say the voices in his head."
"Why don't we dress up in Egyptian costumes and bring gifts to it?"
"When in doubt, flash mob."
"What do we do if something comes out?"
"We bring cameras and pretend it was supposed to happen."
"After all the shit you guys gave me for bringing Damiane to the exorcism, this is like that times a hundred."
"Come on! What are the chances that a monster will come out?"
"Greater, now that you said it."
"But listen for a moment. I could be the Pharaoh!"
"But if your plan doesn't work, we can try my idea, right?"
"Right now, yours is the next best plan, Roland."
"Quick, someone else come up with a better Plan B before we try Plan A."
"It is located in the cock of the pit."
"What the hell is the cock of the pit? Is that the spike at the bottom of the tiger pit?"
"Everyone on the roof of the hotel is dressed as Pharaohs! Man do I miss plot points. And the only way we'll fit in is... God dammit!"
"I'm going to try to engage Solaine in conversation about the obelisk.
I sound like Marco."
"What was that?"
"That was Roland's diplome roll - a chance die."
"The party on the roof is a Polynesian themed luau, so your torch just
"This is going to end with Roland wearing a grass skirt and winning a dance contest."
"I was trying to figure out how to fit Pharaoh theme into climbing Cleopatra's Needle."
"I have this sudden urge to touch the tip of my torch to the tip of the
"Your torch made you gay."
"When was the last time the obelisk was cleaned?"
"These things aren't cleaned very often."
"Maybe it's time."
"It's funny because that might be something you have power over."
"What if we merged our two projects?"
"I think we can avoid that."
"We can, but it might be helpful it you're the one who gives the order to clean up the graffiti accusation that the chief of police is corrupt."
"Wait. What?!? How the hell are we even going to do that? We'd have to tag the obelisk and then arrange for it to be un-tagged."
"We still have lots of money from SCP that we could use to pay someone to tag it for us."
"Okay. I surrender. This is a good plan."
"So, who is going into the catacombs to deal with the torch?"
"You people who are getting coffee, is there anything you're doing tonight while they're in the catacombs?"
"Sloth and Prudence."
"Prudence isn't a Vice."
"It is in a roleplaying game. And Wrath is usually a Virtue."
"Six successes on Aðalsteinn's stealth roll."
"He gets a terrain bonus because he's close to a museum."
"It becomes quite clear to you that this person is up to no good. He pulls
away one of the panes of glass and slips inside the museum."
"This is a perfect opportunity to sneak into the museum."
"By following the burglar?"
"You guys are collectively Robert's Albert."
"That would be a great band name - Collectively Albert."
"Roland--crap, Robert. You guys and your names."
"You guys are the Ro brothers."
To Bo: "Do you feel left out? We could call you Ro-Bo!"
"So...you're going to be Raðalsteinn, then."
"So, are we supposed to share whenever we have a nagging desire to touch something?"
"We should text Robert to let him know we're breaking into a museum."
"Don't tell him that. He won't want to come anyway."
"Yes, but he gets mad at us when we go places without telling him about it."
"Okay, but don't tell him we're breaking into it."
"We're taking in a museum."
"Do I know of any museums that would be open at 10 on a Friday night?"
"The only one you can think of is the Museum of Erotic Art, which is open until 2am."
"I text Bo back asking her to pick me up a souvenir from the gift shop."
"Why are they taking the torch to the Museum of Sex?"
"I don't know. Maybe there are sex vampires there."
"He sold his soul to a demon to be the world's best Chippendale dancer."
"It's a possessed gun, apparently."
"At least it speaks French."
"All the magic items you've found so far have been phallic symbols. How does that make you feel?"
"Aðalsteinn's gun is about a meter long and covered in strange runes."
"That's a funny-looking sex toy."
"Catman! Na na na na na na na na. Catman!"
"No, that's what it left behind."
"I set the gun down very carefully, and by carefully, I mean 'Aaaugh!'"
"You take the gun, and you fill it with the black powder, and then you
point it at the person you need to exorcism. And if it is not exorcised, yet,
you shoot him again, and again, and again - until the demon is exorcised."
"So, you just use black powder, then. No bullet?"
"Oh no. You must use bullets as well."
"What if the person you point the gun at isn't possessed?"
"Then it is...a shame."
"What happens to the bullet that gets fired?"
"These are spiritual mysteries. You might as well ask how the bread and wine turn into the body and blood of our Lord."
"I'm going to say that because this is a voice in your head coming from
an inanimate object, you can't roll Empathy to find out if the gun is lying
"How about Crafts?"
"Maybe if you still had your Mechanical Empathy from the last game."
"It would be the first time I ever had a chance to use it."
"This gun uses musket balls, so rubber bullets aren't really an option."
"I'm just picturing a bunch of little rubber bouncy balls."
"We should talk to our demonologist about this. He's probably having exciting nightmares right now, though."
"See also: rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. Worrying about whether your guns are illegal when you run around killing people in their secret bank vaults all the time."
"I don't have any ammo, so the rifle shouldn't discharge accidentally."
"Sometimes they don't discharge when you intend for them to discharge."
"Yes, that sometimes happens when you get older."
"My parents had a torch like this, and so did Eliot Abril."
"Were your parents vampires?"
"I don't think I could have been conceived if they had been."
"I can drive better one-handed than you can drive with two."
"This could be a problem. We're trying to hold a lit torch in a van that's
covered in carpet, and the smoke will come out of the top of it."
"It's the Mystery Machine for real."
"Rokay, Raggy. I rant to roke rome rarirauna!"
"Our investigations have made it necessary to arrange some vandalism on...say...Cleopatra's
Needle...with accusations of corruption against the chief of police."
"Where do I come in?"
"As well-connected as I am in Paris, I don't know what color spray paint would look best on the obelisk. I need someone who is willing to do the tagging."
"What kind of compensation would you be willing to offer for whoever does
"What would you do for a Klondike bar?"
"How about a case of Klondike bars?"
"When I think of wild pranks, Chrétien, you're the first person
I think of."
"It's not really a prank, now is it? It's more like subverting the government."
"Only the undesirable elements of it."
"That's what every revolutionary says."
"Michel will be the first against the wall."
"Just don't let him have cake as much as he asks for."
"I shoot you a betrayed look."
"As it turns out, SCP has a really good retirement plan, too."
"They use two bullets."
"It looks like I'm going to be entering a nursing home.:
"Yes. That's where the torch led us."
"Oh. Here I thought you were announcing your retirement."
"Yes. Two bullets."
"You said the magic word."
"I have a retirement plan that doesn't involve two bullets."
"I have two bullets in my 401k plan."
"Save one, save one!"
"Step one. Touch your gun to mine."
"I love how you have 'Damiane wants to have dinner' on your to-do list
but not 'Damiane wants to have sex.'"
"It's third from the bottom, right now. It's not quite the last thing on the list."
"Having sex with her was third from the bottom."
"What? How does that even work?"
"That's what happens when you get lots of Space magic."
"Morality says I shouldn't push the old man in the wheelchair down the
"But Shoulder Demon says you should!"
"What if we invited a bunch of kindergartners to visit the retirement
home? Forty-five children with chaperones and family and whatever, well, kids
get into a lot of different places."
"And whenever I say stuff like that, people accuse me of being a pedophile. No one batted an eye!"
"I'm going to get about 150 cupcakes and hide them all over the retirement
home, and then I'm going to quietly let the children know that there are hidden
"Should I lace them with caffeine? What does Morality say about this..."
"Morality 1 Sin!"
"Are there any cupcakes in the Herrmanns' room?"
"Yes, but it's guarded by a bear trap."
"You should replace the trunk with the obelisk cap with a cupcake."
"Why are you trying to throw away the magical Nazi gold?"
"We should put it with Emmanuel's stuff."
"Full House, porn, and Nazi stuff."
(singing) "One of these things is not like the others."
"It's the Full House of Nazi Porn."
"Why can't I remember more of the theme from Full House? Perhaps a better question is why can I still remember so much of it?"
"That was like Robert's thought process. 'We could put the trunk of Nazi stuff with the body - wait, no, there's not a body. I'm getting some wine.'"
"He touches you, and your skin turns to gold. Take 1 aggravated damage."
"On the bright side, Doctor Freund will be thrilled."
"The IV is just a long needle that goes through both your arms."
"I should examine you to establish a baseline - to make sure there are no parasites in the brain. It is more common than you think."
"He seems to twig onto the idea that there's something up with Souna. 'Your pulse is completely normal - almost too normal.'"
"My family name is Demonkill."
"Your character sheet says Aðalsteinn is a marine archeaoleasist."
"So, like he leases artifacts recovered from the deep?"
"I was not 100% behind the kindergartners idea except it was Bo's idea and not Roland's."
"Stuttgart isn't a place you get invited to. Stuttgart's just a place you go."
"If it makes you feel any better, whatever I make you listen to during the session, I have to listen to it twice, since I listen to the session logs and you don't."
"And if we ever need to get rid of Sébastien, we'll just roll him up in the demon-killing rug and hope for the best."
"We don't even know if the monster is still alive. Maybe they forgot to
"Having a pet papier-maché monster is a big responsibility."
"It doesn't appear to eat. It just leaves droppings."
"So it violates the law of conservation of mass on a daily basis?"
"Maybe it eats laws of physics."
"I'm going to put the monster out of my mind."
"And have nightmares about it later?"
"That was my response."
"Can two not-humans have a not-baby together?"
"Unless we start sniffing around for cat-boys."
"I am not altogether comfortable with that term."
"That would be a great band name, 'Sniffin' for Cat-Boys.'"
"It seems like other than the enigmatic nightmare factory, the only thing we have going on is the torch."
"Is this a thing like you hear in the news of needing to be wary of the
"A man of my age usually doesn't have that problem."
"Church is religious, and brunch is tasty, which is better than the other way around."
[about the cat] "He's killing Rice Krispies in his sleep, again."
"I saw two pixels of a memetic kill agent, and I limped for a week. No, I'm joking. I would be dead if I saw two pixels."
"Horrible accident. Everyone killed. That's usually how these stories
"Not the word I was looking for."
"Actually, I think they mentioned something about the person who made it going horribly mad and then dying."
"That's often how stories end with the Foundation."
"I was just thinking, a rampaging bull would probably aid in escape."
"Talking to Dr. Freund about these things was probably the best idea we've
had in a long time."
"Just wait until the men with guns come tonight."
"Keter class is something immediately dangerous, like a grenade with the
pin pulled, or something of extreme strategic significance, like a nuclear warhead
in your apartment."
"Or the Head of the CIA's computer password."
"Yeah. Things like that."
"This would be a great time to derail Beth's session with a game of three wishes. It's like an opera house times a thousand."
"I think you should put that away before I get too curious. It is like the big red button that says 'do not push under any circumstances.' I hope SCP doesn't give us anything with a button."
"If Robert is Faceman, and Roland is the guy with the plan, which one of you is Mr. T, and which one is the crazy helicopter pilot?"
"You think you're prepared to fight more vampires. I've been saving up my wine bottles, because I drink a lot of wine down here in the catacombs."
"I'll bet we could make you an alcoholic. Ogre. Ogre. Ogre."
"We'll just say it ogre and ogre again."
"Vampire Nazis. How much less could we feel bad about having to kill them?"
"A magical, instantly teleporting P.O. box isn't enough for you? You want it to sort your mail, too?"
"You manage to make three Molotov cocktails before you run out of alcohol
that is high enough proof in your apartment."
"Because so much of it ends up in your stomach."
"I'm not an alcoholic in this game. A pyromaniac, maybe."
"Enigmatic Nightmare Factory would be a great name for a progressive rock band."
"Burning them all?"
"'Little tiny arson' are the exact words you used."
"You go to a large number of news stands and buy newspapers in a variety of languages. And when you're done reading them for what your looking for, you crumple them up and burn them."
"Somehow I'd forgotten about my own quirk, but that's awesome."
"Were you there for the children?"
"Yes, I was there for the children."
"Considering I'm having a really hard time remembering what happened last session, being crazy is really happening."
"In Firefly, no one ever told my character what was going on, and he wasn't
"And then the plot walks by, and you wave and say, 'Hi, plot. I know I should be following you, but no one told me about you in-character.'"
[talking about the Buffy game] "Joey had his problems, but at least Joey was only selling his own soul."
"I know some people who..."
"Hunt people like you."
"The portal was really gross and evil. I felt like I'd have to shower
if I went through that portal."
"Roland's distraction worked a little too well. He tried to throw himself down a flight of stairs, but he accidentally threw himself down three flights of stairs, so it's not so surprising his memory of the night's events is a little fuzzy."
"You're a bit concerned that if you make any more Molotov cocktails, you're going to burn down the catacombs."
"A Versailles special is a beer with the head cut off."
"What Morality sin is being an alibi for someone you know might be an accessory to murder?"
"Roland is lying passed out on your bed in his tighty whiteys, and he's
kind of drooling on your pillow."
"I think you just deprived her of the power of speech."
"I guess Aðalsteinn didn't take me home last night. Yes. It was all
"I'm not sure that it was all his idea."
"I wouldn't be so sure. He is very much with the mischief."
"I'm with Mischief. Arrow pointing up."
"Did you have a good time?"
"Yes, but the girls would have nothing to do with me."
"That's just as well."
"I think that would be the last time the girls had anything to do with you."
"I'm taking Roland jogging with me."
"Roland tries to keep up jogging with you, but he begins to wheeze alarmingly."
"I let up a bit."
"I throw up."
"You don't need to crime scene your breakfast."
"I was very drunk last night. Who knows what I ate?"
"I don't think I need to know."
"You're jogging while full of vodka and hungover. Burning something down probably seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to do, right now."
"The first thing that came to my mind was 'Congratulations! You've won a trip to Versailles.' But she probably wouldn't fall for that."
"Why is it that everyone in mage society plays dumb so much?"
"Sometimes people build monuments at places of power because they inherently
know that the place is important. Other times, people put so much importance
on a thing that it becomes powerful."
"Like a box of porn."
"We work for the mayor's office like the people in Read or Die are a part
of a secret library organization."
"In the name of the British National Library, give me back my book!"
"Make them answer the question. Will two not-humans make a not-baby?"
"You must screw for Great Justice."
"We collect mage blood."
"You are a human Capri Sun."
"Maybe this vampire is trying to gain the powers of a wizard in addition
to his blood sorcery."
"So you're saying Michael Martucci is a munchkin?"
"It's large and good for you. It improves the eyesight."
"What the hell are you guys talking about down there?"
"Instead of 'Race for the Cure' it'll be 'Chase for the Kill!'"
"The running of the firebug."
"Oh my God - training montage! I'm the coach."
"We should call it the Smoke Out Lung Cancer 5k."
"I've never been in a situation where I couldn't walk away from something.
I really don't walk away from things very often."
"Except for you!"
"Do you have anything else you want to do with Damiane tonight?"
"Not really. I'm just fulfilling an obligation."
"You killed her hope!"
"'The government is a good thing."
"Says the Russian."
"We're going to verb it in the noun."
"Put your dick in the P.O. box!"
(singing) "Return to sender."
"I love how Molotov cocktails are now called party drinks."
"We can go to Disneyland or whatever kind of Disney park it is."
"Robert is really down on Disneyland Paris."
"We need an oxygen tank for the Molotov cocktails."
"So you're suggesting we strap bottles of extremely flammable liquid to the tank of extremely flammable gas?"
"We should watch the parade!"
"Guys, focus. We're here to hunt demons, not watch parades."
"Robert comes back into the park smelling of gasoline and cologne."
"The ghosts don't want to listen to 'It's a Small World,' either."
"See you tomorrow, Disney slaves."
"I worked with a girl who worked at Disney for a long time. They're like slaves, and they're brainwashed to think it's fun to work 12-hour days."
"See? This is why I don't go to Disneyland."
"Because there are evil demon children?"
"Am I still in costume?"
"Alright, then I'm going to alternate between swearing at the demons, making fun of them with pirate japes, and screaming for help."
"I'm going to go toward Roland because he has my fire."
"He has your fire?"
"He also has your tank."
"What are the chances Animal Ken works on Dumbo?"
"I throw a Molotov cocktail into the Dumbo car."
"Molotov cocktails in the World of Darkness are like Drama Points in Buffy. They end combats."
"Why is all the rum gone?"
"Your creatures got out of hand, I see!"
"Those weren't my creatures."
"Then where are your creatures?"
"They've all gone home for the night with their parents."
"Ah ha! So you admit you have creatures!"
"Roland, I think he's talking about children, not actual creatures."
"Now I'm very confused."
"Are you exterminators or something?"
"No. I work for the mayor's office."
"I know. I've seen you on TV. That's why I thought this was some kind of official Molotov-flinging expedition."
"No, this is a very unofficial Molotov-flinging expedition."
"How many Molotov cocktails did you bring?"
"All of them."
"How many is that?"
"Perhaps you don't need so many."
"One of the security guards and Snow White are trapped in the out-of-control
roller coaster. You use the roller coaster camera, but the flash doesn't seem
to hurt the gremlins."
"I guess I'm going to go help the others, but I'm going to print the pictures, first."
"I still think we should have bought the burning man suit when we had the chance."
"Don't you think you should wait until some of the others get here before
going out there? There are two gremlins out there."
"And there are two of us."
"I start whistling as I pull out my sniper rifle to shoot at the gremlins."
"Are you whistling 'Whistle While You Work?'"
"Actually, that's really catchy and has been around long enough. Sure. I'm whistling 'Whistle While You Work' while I take the canvas off the sniper rifle."
"Great. First they throw brooms, and now they have guns."
"You have a lit Molotov cocktail in your hand."
"A Keter cocktail."
"You could just aim for Snow White and bank on your bad aim."
"Lately, things have been wanting to come into the park at night?"
"What? Like werewolves or something?"
"What are you?"
"What do you mean?"
"Are you a witch, a fairy, a ghost, what?"
"He's a pirate!"
"He's a gay pirate!"
"The eyeliner is not my idea. It's part of the costume."
"It's like when you were a priest."
"You were a gay priest?"
"No. Well, maybe, actually...no."
"Are you telling me that Disney won't even give Mickey Mouse free access
to their theme parks?"
"This company is very, very stingy."
"Does this seem like something we could defile?"
"We need lots of toilet paper, and do you have any paint? What else would
"Cartoons from rival networks?"
"So, we're going to TP the place?"
"Yes. We're going to make it undesirable to these creatures."
"Why don't you guys get the trash. Maybe also the burned out hulk of Dumbo."
"That's 8 successes on the Corruption roll. Remember how Robert really hates Disneyland? It means he's really good at defiling it."
"Z, you need to turn off 'It's a Small World' right now. I've worked 12 hours of customer service today. I will start breaking things."
"Pierre and Repierre are sitting in a boat. Pierre fell out and who was
"That doesn't even make any sense."
"I don't know the gremlin is paralyzed until the end of the scene, so I'm going to pour out one of the Molotov cocktails on it and set it on fire."
"There are two things that kill these demons - fire, and bullet plus Bowie knife. In that order"
"You have Spirit 3. You could call another spirit."
"The Spirit of American Energy Consumption."
"I actually don't want to do that because..."
"For so many reasons."
"It's paralyzed, so it has no Defense, right?"
"It has no Defense."
"Okay, then I huck a Molotov at it."
"From a flurry of many shin kicks, Robert falls over unconscious."
"Wow. That's pathetic."
"He was jumping up and down going 'ow ow ow,' and then he hit his head on a gong and knocked himself out."
[Robert's lesson for the session:]
"Paris's tourism problem is a lot bigger than just our dimension, and we should probably find a way to benefit from that."
"Taxing Roger Rabbit."
"We'll have to collect their toon coins."
"It's ironic that I always go to confession the day before I do something that I need to confess."
"Forgive me father, for I have set up a hit. Again."
[about a particularly bizarre Hunter game the GM read about in an online forum]
"Why would anyone use a Death Note to kill Morgan Freeman?"
"If I were in this GM's game, I'd consider using a Death Note to kill Morgan Freeman, too."
"Chrétien should have a limo hearse."
"Congratulations, you just made me retcon something."
"Most stretch limos are custom made anyway. You, like, cut three cars
in half and Frankenstein them together."
"Business in the front. Hummer in the back."
"It starts as a limo and ends in a Hummer?"
"We call it the Big Bastard."
"Please God, smite this man--"
"Um, was that me or you?"
"I put all our gear somewhere that doesn't look flammable. In fact, I put it in the fridge."
"Thank you for allowing us to wreck your house, today."
"She laughs and gives you a hug. She looks a little high."
"When God puts someone out, he sets someone else on fire."
"Was that me or you?"
"Somehow I don't think that's a very strong negating argument, 'We killed someone, but it was for charity.'"
"So, they've captured the fire-spirit-possessed jogger. What are you doing?"
"I'm going to keep running."
"You're going to complete the 5k?"
"Might as well. By the way, do I regain Willpower for Sloth?"
"What are you looking at?"
"I'm looking at what the criminal penalty is for being an accessory to murder and cross-referencing it with crimes that are already on the Morality table to see what level of Morality sin I've committed today."
"Before you kill me, don't you want to know who I really am?"
"Just shoot her."
"Nobody has to be persuaded to get out of a burning building. Keeping them calm while they do so is the hard part."
"I think there should be a bunch of people who start a pillow fight in the middle of the fire."
"People start to disperse, which isn't surprising considering this is
a race they never really cared about."
"I guess I'm going to make a dinner reservation for about an hour from now."
"How did things go?"
"Pretty good. She set the house on fire, but we were able to put it out."
"Why am I seeing the scene from A New Hope? 'We're all fine here. How are you?'"
"After the fire is out, I go to the bathroom and throw up a lot."
"You call it throwing up. I call it working up an appetite."
"I'm choosing this!"
"The true cry of a hunter."
"Once more in the Keter hole, Malus!"
"So, what do you think of the Abbey, Bo?"
"Well, um, you have impeccable teamwork."
"Tobias is very good at organizing things like this. He's taught me several
"He works for the Guardians of the Veil."
"That's not even possible?"
"Because he's not enough of an asshole."
"Because he can do Tactics."
"What is it about the Guardians of the Veil that makes you think they drive around with the Benny Hill theme playing?"
"Did you roll your Morality 6 for accessory to murder?"
"I don't need to roll. My Morality is already 5."
"Accessory to murder - no big deal."
"I'm in politics. Whatever."
"I've lost Morality and gained a Derangement every time I've rolled it. The dice clearly want me to be insane. They think it's funny."
"So, you're talking about 'the roleplaying' in the Versailles equivalent
of Le Clown Bar."
"One day, someone who's in geekery will overhear us talking about 'roleplaying,' recognize me as the Mayor's chief of staff, and invite me to be a guest at a science fiction convention. If this were Buffy, it would have already happened."
"It's my weekly hit-on-a-13-year-old-girl time."
"If Robert doesn't want to talk to me about changeling politics, I think I can figure out what bothers him about the conversation, because I'm pretty sure it's not the politics."
"Have you ever been covered in someone else's blood without your permission?"
"I don't know the details of the ogre battle."
"And you probably will never find out unless you can pick past the crazy to figure it out."
"Today was pretty ideal."
"Because you weren't there for the killing."
Bo: "Speak for yourself."
"Disneyland was pretty okay, too. We didn't know what we were dealing
with, but we knew how we were going to deal with it."
"Do you want to talk about this anymore?"
"I have some experience with changelings. Perhaps if you discuss it with me, I can help you understand it."
"If this conversation continues, I'm going to have to ask you to pick up the tab on the next bottle of wine."
"Is this going somewhere?"
"Extremely slowly, but not for lack of trying."
"That was like a triple entendre."
[about killing the ogre] "I expected things, but I didn't expect to have to change clothes. I had to wear its clothes."
"What does George Soros have to do with policy reform in France?"
"What are people doing today other than staying home and sleeping off
"Actually, that's my whole plan for the day."
"Robert comes into the catacombs whistling a cheerful tune."
"That's funny, because I was just going to mutter in Russian, 'Did he get laid?' and look at Souna."
"Does Souna look like the cat that ate the Chrétien?"
"And the naked guy in the corner. I didn't even know his name. We just called him 'the naked guy.' I asked him what his name was, and he said 'the naked guy.'"
"What does Network Zero do with all the footage they collect?"
"They post it on something called Tube You."
"You mean YouTube?"
"No, I'm pretty sure it was called Tube You, you know, with the tubes."
"So Roland, you go around the neighborhood swinging your sword cane around, peeping in windows, and generally looking as suspicious as possible."
"You know what would be really hot? If I bled all over you. Is that okay?"
"Just wait until you develop a derangement."
"And then you'll want to be voluntarily covered in someone else's blood."
"We need to come up with a word for the derangement where you want people to bleed on you consensually."
"I'm trying to imagine what Southern French people sound like."
"We should pretend to be crazy when we ask the priest if we can light
the torch in the church."
"Because people are much more likely to give fire to crazy people."
"Oh Nick, driving that truck through the hole in their plan."
"So, you flick your Bic, so to speak..."
"In the confessional."
"But it could be fun."
"You guys have a strange idea of what the purpose of the Hunt is. Fun doesn't even make the top 20 for me."
"You're the one whose priorities are screwed up."
"You should leave a cow's heart with a stake in it on their front doorstep. If they're just weirded out, they're probably not vampires. If they use blood sorcery to track you down and kill you, they probably are."
"You should bring the crate of Molotovs with you."
"You don't want to bring Le Crate on Le Train. I'd just like to point that out."
"Is Zimbabwe south of France?"
"All of Africa is south of France."
"But how south of France?"
(After reading several stalker-tastically creepy text files)
"Damiane's tired of you not taking her phone calls."
"I'm living in your attic. That means we're living together, right?"
"Network Zero is better with computers than we are."
"A 6-year-old American child is better with computers than we are."
"If he never leaves the house, how does he get food?"
"Hey, if anyone is going to put on a costume to dress as a mail-order Russian bride, it's going to be me."
"I put on my Obama suit."
"You didn't have to cut his face off! They have rubber masks for that. The real reason Umlaut had to leave Iceland."
"He cut Obama's face off?"
"If he had done that to Bush, he would have been a national hero. At least in France."
"Where's the nearest airport?"
"Are you going to fly there just to sit in a cafe?"
"You would totally get your Sloth point - fly all the way down there to do jack diddly shit."
"We're gonna have to get your YouTubes tied."
"Rule Zero, people! Rule Zero!"
"What did she say?"
"No! She said nothing!"
"That sounds like a line from a purple prose romance. I delved into her chunky garden. Or even better, I planted my seed in her chunky garden."
"They seem to be all about recording supernatural stuff and downing the Man. Bringing down the Man, I mean."
"I show you the list of flights to where they are."
"So he can send you there."
"What's your Dexterity + Expression?"
"7. 8 if I'm playing cello."
"You could totally dance in traffic as a distraction. I'm waltzing with my cello in traffic."
"So, you're sitting alone in a car on the outskirts of town with a case of wine, making Molotov's?"
"Who is this Cthulhu?"
"He's a fictional evil god."
"How do you know he's fictional?"
"Cthulhu is like Batman."
"We have an invitation to Stuttgart. We should go to South Africa."
"There are no ogres in this, and even if there are ogres in this, there are no ogres in it."
"What do you guys learn about each others' political philosophies?"
"Robert is town."
"Roland is very nostalgic for the Soviet Union. I'm just imagining this conversation where Roland takes off his shoe, and there's this fly buzzing around..."
"I learned that some people who might appear at first blush to be supernatural are actually just crazy."
"I cut space out of my master plan."
"Oh really? What did you cut out?"
"Souna isn't actually a citizen of the E.U."
"But she has an identity, now."
"Yes. I gave it to her."
"I have passports, too."
"You realize having dual citizenship means having two passports under the same name, right?"
"When I think of Emmanuel in Germany, I think of South Park and Cartman's mom."
"In retrospect, bringing a bunch of Molotov cocktails with us on a visit to a Promethean was probably a bad idea."
"The borscht pizza is fine as long as you scrape the borscht and the pizza
"It's these low-quality German ingredients."
"It's really funny because the best way to describe Vitriol in non-game terms is as experience." (changed this because I misspoke - Beth)
"Wait. Back up to the part where your friend is dead but will come back to life again. If he will come back, is it even correct to say that he is dead?"
"This [hardcore gay porn] perhaps does not accurately portray the best
way to console someone. Is that correct?"
"So, it sounds like it is no longer very useful. Do you want it?"
"We're going to sneak it into Robert's bag when he's not looking."
"Do you have any idea how bad it is to a bureaucrat to change all their
public records? Birth certificates, property deeds, immigration records - these
monsters are creating a serious problem that is affecting thousands of people!"
"Spoken like a true bureaucrat."
"Emmanuel looks at your case of Molotov's cocktails. 'I see you brought
"That is no longer French wine."
"Then it must have been a long trip."
"I have a hand growing out of my head. I'm a Promethean."
"But it has Striking Looks 4."
"It's very well manicured."
"All of the Prometheans are hanging on Bo's every word."
"Can we go to the crappy industrial city where I'm a hero?"
"We already left the one where I am."
"Bo is the paragon of virtue in our group. Granted, that's not saying much."
"Robert's just happy that someone else is getting picked on this session."
"Damiane shows up in Stuttgart. 'I meant to go to Spain, but somehow I ended up in Stuttgart.'"
"How did you know I was in Stuttgart?"
"She said from inside your suitcase."
"We have a video camera. We could kill two birds with one stone. We could have the Prometheans make a porno. Blur out their faces, and post one copy to Network Zero and send another to SCP."
"She just wants to touch you, Bo."
(sings) "When I think about you..."
"Something just got filed very, very deep in the silly hole. Deeper than
any finger can push it."
"No such thing."
Noel: "I'm calling dibs on one of the bedrooms! It's a three bedroom apartment,
Kelly: "Of course, I need one for myself."
Z: "Whatever. I don't care that much."
Eric O: "Fine, you can sleep on the couch. I'm claiming the last room."
Z: "I wonder if it's too late to go get a hotel room."
"Maple is going to come really early to talk to you, 'Is one in the morning too early? It's okay. I'll just sit here.'"
"If you fuck with history, you fuck with me!"
"I'm also trying to figure out why the Prometheans are so attracted to Bo. I think it might be the hair."
"You're buying Berserker? And 'Atavistic Viking' isn't an appropriate
song for you how? By the way, 'Atavistic Viking' is about a guy who goes to
a museum filled with Viking artifacts, and he ends up stealing the weapons and
plundering and pillaging and killing people on the lakes of Minnesota."
"I don't plunder or pillage or kill people."
"Actually, you do. You've plundered. You've pillaged, and you've killed at least one person."
"Hey, I didn't lose Morality for that."
"While Nick's glower is a thing of power, I don't think it could stop a determined attack."
"There are some things about herself Bo doesn't like to talk about."
"Like her past, her present, her future."
"That would be a fun Trigger Point. When someone crosses a certain threshold, they stop being considered human, and you can do whatever you want to them."
"I'm just picturing the lectern that's attacking the tentacle monster as Cookie Monster. 'T is for Tentacle, and that's good enough for me.'"
"Make a Stamina + Resolve roll at minus 5 dice."
"It's been seven days since you've watched The Ring, hasn't it?"
"You've got a necklace of hentai hickies."
"I'm wearing a collared shirt."
"You need to wear a tie. And a scarf. Yes, a tie *and* a scarf."
"Yes, if ever there was an occasion that called for an ascot, this is it."
"I missed the fun part, but if there are any tentacles there I want to film them."
"Some of them are different like being able to come back from the dead. Others are Jewish."
"I can track creatures with my powers unless I've met them."
"I think you've just signed up for patrol duty, Souna."
"I should have brought some Molotovs on patrol with me. It would have
made fighting the tentacle monster easier."
"Great idea. Let's use fire in the library fight. And you guys give me crap. At least I just use them on roller coasters and in underground vaults."
"Burning down the Jewish library would have been the best way to handle this. We had to burn down the archive in order to save it."
"Burning down the Jewish archive...IN GERMANY."
"Thanks for pointing that out to us, Jinx. We'd hate to be put on a list of suspected Neo-Nazis."
"Why suspect when you can verify?"
"Especially given our apparent obsession with magical Nazi gold."
"Very bad sign. Umlaut's obsession, to be precise. The rest of you humor him - and boy is it humorous."
"And he's the one who was just now talking about burning down the Jewish archive. Hmmmmm..."
"He's a commie mutant bastard! Let's shoot him, just to be sure."
"We're French. We protected the Jews from the Nazis."
"But Gypsies and North Africans can just die."
"It's Team Black Ops vs. Team Lunchbag."
"You get good at Survival when you have to find your mother's wedding
ring in a volcano."
"Who's your mother - Sauron?"
"It may be necessary to have SCP make Levi disappear."
"Oh my God. Souna has the worst Clarity roll coming up!"
"We need you to keep the other Created from finding Levi, first."
"Time to break your own leg."
"What do trees on the southern side of the forest sound like?"
"That's where the redneck trees grow."
"Go away, mortal. This matter does not concern you."
"Dammit, I've got to stop watching Doctor Who."
"Back off. You have no idea who we are."
"What are you doing?"
"Playing my Derangement."
"The Pandoran makes a display with its wickedly sharp claws. Make me a Resolve + Composure roll."
"That's 5 successes before I reroll the 10s. 'I'm going to make a phone call, and you're going to be sorry.'"
Robert: "I finish my phone call."
Noel: "I'm going to shoot the harpy. Six successes."
Beth: "You nail the harpy in the torso. It looks down at the big hole in its chest and decides to fly away."
Robert: "I warned you!"
"Which direction was the harpy going and how quickly?"
"Is it an African or a European harpy?"
"Was the tentacle monster blood printing ink, do you think?"
"Maybe it was Inkhor."
"You see this? It's a Jewish detector."
"My only response to that is 'Please keep your fetishes to yourself.'"
"If I wanted to indulge my Pride, I would have gone to listen to the musicians rehearse so I could snort dismissively at how much better I am than they are."
"We're going to take the Prometheans to their hideout cabin in the woods and induce them to participate in team-building exercises."
"So he wrote Berserker under the "Defects" portion of the sheet. This feels terribly appropriate somehow."
"You missed Mark coming this close to kissing Nick, last night."
"Maybe that's why Nick isn't returning my calls."
"What did people do before the Internet?"
"He can't even do that."
"If he licked your iPhone, would that be licking you in the apps?"
"No. Don't worry. You definitely didn't look like a badass."
"New Atlantisian Fire Pottery? That's an unusual favored enemy."
"He's a barbarian, not a ranger."
"Because nothing says Hasidic Jew like group sex."
"Would you do it for a point of Science? Would you do it for a Klondike bar?"
"What I'm going to do is start cataloging trees, because I'm absolutely sure that this tree wasn't here yesterday."
"Will you stand over here and watch this particular willow for a bit? This one is the tricky one."
"Anything could happen! When they come back with bugs, they could bring
back kittens, too. I should talk to Robert about the thing I saw on the news
about how the mayor is part of a conspiracy to convert the world to one currency."
"If the mayor is in a conspiracy to convert Europe to a one world currency, I'm sure Robert is in charge of it."
"The willow is 17 feet from the elm over there, but the elm could be moving, too."
"I have no emotions. Cool."
"Don't tell Stella that we used our powers in front of you."
"Another kind of teamwork - keeping secrets from your leader. You guys have a lot of experience with that."
"If we disdain your leadership, your leadership is working."
"I've got to go. Roland has found an axe."
"Roland has lost interest in cataloging trees. He's got his cellphone
out and is fiddling with it."
"He's trying to set up his voice mail. Now we *know* he's acting strangely."
"Roland, what are you doing?"
"I'm trying to access the Internet."
"That's even more worrying."
"I will get Emmanuel another hotel room...in another hotel...on the other
end of town..."
"Inside the blast radius."
"What was that about?"
"I think the team-building exercises..."
"...have destroyed our team."
"There was a PARANOIA mission in which every secret society was trying to infiltrate a cell of another secret society, such that the entire cell of that secret society was made up of spies who were not a member of that secret society."
"Don't worry. My behavior will change once we cross the border into East Germany."
"How bad is Dresden for my Ghost Sight?"
"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."
"I propose a little challenge: your logic versus Robert's logic."
"Oh dear. If he wins, we'll never hear the end of it."
"Okay, I may have said 'secret society' one too many times."
"Don't hurt your scrotum bouncing up and down on your chair."
"There are fairies in your scrotum?"
"There are these roadwork crews hiding in the woods, modifying the roads after we drive on them."
"It's a werewolf-run gas station."
"You're running low on gas."
"We have more gas in the van, in wine bottles."
"The gas station gives you a really creepy vibe."
"I'm staying in the van. While you're in there, could you get me a 2-liter of something? I don't care what it is."
"The gas station attendant is looking at all kinds of weird porn."
"What kind of porn?"
"So, it's like got all sorts of car parts in it? Show us a part of the girl!"
"So you buy a variety of magazines, including a porn magazine."
"I'm reading it for the articles!"
"The gas station attendant salivates over your porn purchase a little
and then goes back to looking at all his porn."
"Staying in the truck seems like a really good idea, right now."
"Do you want a Choco Taco?"
"Little do you know that's the porn magazine and not a kind of candy."
"If there's anything more racist than Hunter, it's porn."
"I'm trying to come up with some cheeky porno title for The DaVinci Code, but I'm coming up empty, right now."
"It's porno-vestigation time."
"I give Robert all the porn."
"Roland, I don't speak German."
"Damn. It looks like I get all the porn."
"I'm going to see if the magazines show any evidence of being changed
by the Pandorans."
"They have many obvious factual inaccuracies."
"These magazines have been modified."
"How can you tell?"
"It says she's a man! And then there's the thing about the Greeks. I mean the financial crisis in Greece."
"This looks like a Greece crisis to me."
"So, you're saying the Pandorans have been around."
"Robert, you find yourself unable to stop thinking about that porn. It's
"I'm going to do something completely unrelated."
"Start a singalong."
(singing) "The wheels on the boobs go round and round. The people on the boobs go up and down. The driver on the boobs goes move on back."
"I'm wondering if maybe the Created are affecting any of us."
"Robert throws the book he's reading across the van in frustration."
"I take that as a yes."
"Have you been spending too much time on page 47?"
"I barely even looked at page 47. What's on page 47?"
"Actually, I don't want to know."
"I saw you look at it three times."
"Robert takes off his suit coat and loosens his tie."
"What are you doing?"
"What? It's just hot in here. Isn't anyone else hot?"
"Disquiet is a little-known cause of hot flashes in the male of the species."
"How many Molotov cocktails is Robert bringing?"
"How many will fit in his pants?"
"You don't see any birds or other animals in the area near the library."
"How about sheep? Are there any sheep?"
"Is Robert hot for sheep?"
"We still don't know what was on page 47."
"Wits plus Composure, minus porn..."
"Emotion says we should try to save Emmanuel. Logic says we should burn
the building down."
"It's almost like I planned this session instead of shoveling snow all weekend."
"Don't worry. If we decide to burn the building down, we'll at least text you first."
"The harpy has some business with you, Roland."
"I earned that harpy."
"I point at the crate of Molotov cocktails and yell at Emmanuel, 'Feel
free to throw more if you'd like.'"
"He looks at the flames that are merrily spreading up the walls and throughout the library. 'I do not think another one will be necessary.'"
"I was just thinking what would happen if we handed over one of the Pandorans to SCP and didn't tell them that they messed with all the records around them."
"We went to that other German city. You know. The one with all the bombings and such."
"And that's when the zombie Nazi came out of the wall and dragged her through a portal. I'm not crazy anymore. Well, no more than usual. Oh, there was magical Nazi gold there, too - lots of it."
"Roland was counting trees, which is strange even for him."
"I wasn't counting them. I was cataloging and naming them."
"Don't ask about page 47."
"Page 47 of what?"
"Don't ask us about that, either."
"I think those are the last things a Molotov cocktail burned."
"We have a video of the Created people."
"It's the successor to Rick Rolling."
"We cannot have porn in this game. Because we'll end up talking about
it for the whole session."
"And half the next session."
"I'll keep that in mind."
"She's thinking, 'Well, there goes Tier 3.'"
"I was wondering if you would be available for some medical experiments."
"I should clarify and tell you that the medical experiments would not be done on you."
"Who would they be done on?"
"Roland, make your roll to explain to Souna what you want her to do with
the acupuncture, and then Souna will roll to follow the instructions."
"Are you in chance die territory?"
"Are you sure the needle is supposed to go through a strawberry before it goes into your back?"
"I don't drink any of the water."
"It's a pharmaceutical company. I grew up in Russia."
"You call them 'customers.' We call them 'test subjects.'"
"Should we stay together or split up and investigate?"
"We don't want to split up. Have you never seen a horror movie?"
"My Occult 0 clearly means I've never seen a horror movie."
"Maybe we should be quiet. If we're very quiet, maybe the ghost can't see us."
"Are you people crazy?"
"No. Well, mostly."
"We found him hiding in the closet. And he called us crazy."
"Tell me we aren't driving all the way to Paris to get a gun with no ammo."
"We may be driving toward an empty gun."
"So, in the interests of saving time, do you think that you could make bullets in the back of the van?"
"I cannot get plastique at two in the morning. Why are you even asking?"
"You didn't have to make it all metaphorical and stuff. You could have just told me it was mayor's office business."
"When next we meet, let it be over wine and a delicious meal, not industrial acid and corpses."
"Your group uses medical supplies at a rate 278% higher than the average mobile cell."
"I can't believe you woke me up at two in the morning to deal with this."
"Hey, I have to go to work, now."
"We didn't endanger him. We told him to stay in the closet."
"You told him to stay in the closet, and then you melted the foundation of the building."
"His name is Robert, and he's kind of the leader of their group."
"Emphasis on the 'kind of.'"
"They're a little more square than we are."
"We keep their pants on during the Hunt."
"Oh Batman, my Batman, answer your phone."
"Do you have any experience with vampires?"
"I've taken down a couple, yes."
"I know bureaucrats. You feed their egos and they do stuff for you."
"We could meet at Le Clown Bar to discuss this."
"Is that as kinky as it sounds?"
"We're usually pretty good at communicating."
"How many lies did Robert tell her about us?"
"How many times did he talk?"
"You work at the Clown Bar?"
"Robert is a clowntender."
"No, I try to keep my work life and my extracurricular activities separate. Okay, so I just lied again."
"Do we recognize her from the cover of a DVD in Emmanuel's movie collection?"
"I had trouble recognizing you with your clothes on."
"I dress myself."
"Maybe Robert would be motivated to learn English if you refused to speak
French around him. Because immersion is the most effective teacher."
"That would be a great idea. 'Robert, duck! There's a vampire right behind you!'"
"You want to make a wacky sitcom about vampires?"
"C'mon, children! Take a ride in our velcro van!"
"The Eiffel Tower dominates the skyline in this part of Paris."
"I'm now picturing the Eiffel Tower in a dominatrix outfit."
"What just knocked him over?"
"The wind. It was the wind."
"I don't feel any wind."
"Did you see what Aðalsteinn ate at the Clown Bar? Those tacos make
"But he fell backwards."
"Jinx, you need to draw a picture of a snowman with a butt on his chest."
"Why would you give directions using landmarks that don't exist anymore?"
"You notice that Robert is wearing a really nice pair of shoes."
"You also notice they're a different pair of shoes than the ones he was wearing a few hours ago."
"There is someone on the roof who has more than a zero idea of what is
"What? Could you explain that in English?"
"Okay. In English I say, 'There is someone on the roof who has more than a zero idea of what is going on.'"
"It seems like the kind of place where someone might sneak off for a tryst or some children."
"Did she give you a tank?"
"Yes. We got a tank, once."
"But it didn't work out?"
"It didn't work out so well because someone refused to dance on it."
"Vampires are real!"
"You're going to have to speak a little more slowly."
"No, vampires are real."
"Yes, vampires are real. Alrighty."
"You're going back there?"
"Yes. That's what we do. Isn't that what you do?"
"But what about the vampire?"
"Think of it as an education. Don't you want to get into your character?"
"You poked her in the Vanity button."
"I'm not usually this cruel, but..."
"Yes you are."
"I'm not a vampire."
"You just play one on TV?"
"So, are you the one watching girls sleep? Or is that the other guy?"
"I see someone is networking."
"You should understand that."
"Indeed I do. I'm glad to hear you've found someone of like mind."
"I must follow the public's interest."
"And I must follow the public good."
"You can do a lot of good with interests."
"And you can generate a lot of interest with good."
"Alright. You guys are about two lines of banter away from 'Wanna hit the sack?'"
"I'm not so much the hands-in-the-monster type."
"Sometimes even if you don't get your hands in the monster, the monster
tries to get its hand inside of you."
"Where can I get high fashion kevlar?"
"I love how everything you two say to each other could be a sexual innuendo."
"He has to spend 10 minutes putting his dice in the exact right order. Yes, even the identical ones."
"I should talk to Roland."
"Does your conscience talk to you when you buy subway tickets?"
"Gone are the days of the three-way party split. We've now reached the
point of the all-way split."
"This is why the plot notes for this session were 8 pages long."
"The curse would be something like gender swap."
(chanting) "Gender swap! Gender swap!"
"Of course, you're missing a trick here. You should make the curse give Souna antlers. Then you'd be sure she wouldn't break the oath."
"What happens if I fail to repay the favor?"
"Then only 10s count as successes for you for the next year and a day."
"He was boasting that the source of his magic is the same as that of the
Gentry, and I was just thinking that I should lead him into the Hedge and just
leave him there. See ya!"
"I'll take the Clarity hit, thank you. And on that line of your Clarity, you write 'It was worth it!'"
"That's creepy, and now I have to go talk to Chrétien, which means
my Creepy Meter has been maxed out for the day."
"Different kinds of creepy, at least."
"We were just about to play Truth or Dare."
"Oh no. I'm outta there!"
"Playing Truth or Dare with Ashewood Abbey seems like a terrible idea."
"It's not a game. It's a sacrament."
"We also have this Nazi ghost serial killer thing."
"Whenever I plan this game, there are certain phrases that make me happy, and Nazi ghost serial killer was not one of them. But it is now."
"So, show of hands - Gentry coming to Paris better or worse than Smart Reavers?"
"Hearing voices is quite unusual."
"Oh, it happens to me all the time."
"We have Aðalsteinn who can speak to ghosts. We have Roland's unusual
talent with reading code. Souna has her abilities..."
"I get carsick really easy."
"Gods, demigods, and Godzilla."
"So, Roland is so old and absentminded that he needs to set a timer so he remembers to pee?"
"The mayor's office phone is recorded, so think before you speak."
"Think before you spider."
"I think he has a gay fisherman lover."
"This is France. Who cares?"
"But it would explain so much."
"You can say 'vampires' here."
"Yes, but it's more fun to say 'fishermen.'"
"I'm the crazy babysitter, in either case."
"I will let you do the talking. I will hold the plant."
"Who is this? Is he your manservant?"
"No, he's my partner."
"Oh. I understand. These things happen."
"What is your defense against bullets, Bo?"
"Zero. I decided not to bring my armor."
"Each of them hits you, and you take a total of 6 lethal damage."
"Hey, Souna. What's the magic word?"
"We would like you to bring some violence to our supernatural party."
"Oh Souna, you know exactly what to say to get my attention even when I'm hungover so early in the morning. How can I help?"
"We need you to make something die for us."
"So, you think I'm your personal genie in the bottle to do what you want when you want something to die? That's pretty hot."
"We're not really the science fair kind of people, but if you want us to put one of the bodies on ice, well I do own an ice bar. But if it hasn't been picked up by tomorrow night, I'm going to have to put it in a dumpster."
"As you reach into your pocket to get your license and registration for the cop, your hands close on a baggie with some kind of powder, and there ain't no wallet in there."
"What the 'aids in escape' can actually contains is an airplane motor vacuum sealed in 1952."
"Can we get a new bulletproof car?"
"I think I might be able to arrange that."
"You might also want to tell the Chief of Police that there are bodies in a particular alley - bodies that are not human."
"I'll just email him from my work computer right now."
"Oh, and when we used the 'aids in escape' can, we ended up taking out a lot of signs and railings and things, so you might want to arrange for those to be replaced."
"Also, our van has four flat tires and was probably identified by the police, so you might want to have it disappear."
"I think so."
"Good. Let me know if you can come up with any other unpleasant problems to solve."
"Weekend at Bernie's: Hunter Edition."
"Bo would be a lot happier if she would just admit how much she likes being hurt."
"No matter what you say, the Spring King's assistant is always going to
think Souna and Roland are lovers."
"Because it's soooo relevant."
"Look, I've shaken hands with Silvio Berlusconi. I can probably manage
to shake hands with an ogre."
"And the ogre's hand is probably a lot less slimy."
"This is the sort of problem Robert can solve with a bulldozer and concrete."
"Or a wrecking ball?"
"Great idea, guys. Make me bulldoze a community garden in an immigrant neighborhood."
"How is digging up a body compatible with 'block party?'"
"You settle into work and are just about to start working again when ring
goes the hunter phone."
"This is Robert."
"Every time you say that, you sound a little more like you are about to murder someone."
"So, Robert, we've figured out our next course of action."
"We've figured out your next course of action."
"I can arrange the permits for this block party. What kind of time frames
are you looking at?"
"Well, today is Friday. So, can we have it this Saturday?"
"Tomorrow? That might be a bit difficult."
"Okay, then Monday?"
"Look, the mayor's office is not open tomorrow or on Sunday. Even if I expedite the permits, it will take an absolute minimum of three business days, and Saturday and Sunday are *not* business days. I can *not* organize a block party on less than 24 hours' notice!"
"You wanted the king hat, so now you have to wear it."
"Everyone at the mayor's office is really excited about this block party.
In fact, the mayor *himself* is planning to make an appearance."
"Well, there's your security."
"There's a huge, heavy box at the post office from SCP."
"They sent us the Gangrel back."
"Maybe it's cold iron twice. It's cold-forged iron that's also cold."
"Why do you think I would give you something better than you asked for?"
"When Chretien said he would take things from there, I wasn't sure whether
he meant reconnaissance or something else."
"Ashwood Abbey apparently aren't the reconnaissance type, either."
"So, Robert, if I were a politician, and some other politician has some
dirt on me that he is threatening to use against me, what would be the best
thing for me to do?"
"Wreck their life and laugh about it."
"If I can convince him that we don't know anything about the strawberry community, I mean changeling community."
"If you want a map of all the Hedge gates in Paris, the cost for that
is straightforward: Swear fealty to him for the rest of your life, and have
fun being an NPC."
"But then you could put yourself on your list."
"Ridden like a pony into the Hedge."
"Those are the only three options - jailed, vivisected, or ridden like a pony into the Hedge."
"The noose, the bridle, or the scalpel."
"That sounds like a Clue answer - the Winter King, with the bridle in the Hedge."
"I'm just imaging a torture room with all the usual implements and just a bridle."
"It occurred to me that our plan could involve blackface. This could be more racist than anything we've ever done in Hunter before."
"Could you sprinkle Glamour on one of us to make us more appetizing to
"Alright, Tinkerbell, get over here. We need you to pee on us."
"In order to get goblin fruits, someone needs to harvest them from the
"Alright, Souna. It's your turn to fulfill the impossible orders."
"There are some strange things you can buy at the Goblin Market."
"I can promise you won't be buying an Exalted hero at the Goblin Market."
"How about a Death Note so we can kill Morgan Freeman?"
"You don't want Robert to have a Death Note. I'm just saying."
"Do you have any other advice for dealing with the Goblin Market?"
"Do not go."
"You should not sell your first-born unless you're willing to give him
"Some people would say you should not sell your first-born at all."
"Well, of course."
"Why do all the talking magic items in this game sound like the exorcism gun?"
"I won't buy anything!"
"He's going to steal it."
"Ok, I won't let him buy anything!"
"No, I'm not letting him buy anything!"
"Being in a Goblin Market is like Call of Cthulhu - you don't want to succeed on perception checks."
"Roland turning into a 20-year-old is so much better than a Death Note."
"Now I have to figure out what the genie can do."
"Or you could decide not to."
"No. He just gave a genie to a merchant in the Goblin Market. There have to be consequences for that."
"With great power comes great bugs biting you."
"I'm going to have to drive a truck into this!"
"You drive a truck into everything. It's like your Plan A."
"You're glad-handing a bunch of influential Parisians when you hear gunshots. There are a lot of white people here who were just waiting for this to happen, so there's a bit of a stampede."
"That's a great idea - send the police into the Hedge."
"I make some excuse about needing to get my briefcase, and move quickly in the direction of the van. Yes, I just pulled a Superman."
"Souna, you're really not equipped to hold aggro. You need to actually be a threat."
"I'm going to try to climb a garden hose while holding a struggling Algerian woman."
"What falls on my unconscious body, because I'm sure something does?"
"You probably feel worse about breaking the law by texting while driving than about crashing a van into a greenhouse."
"Souna, you're not going anywhere. You're full of bullets!"
Cast of Characters:
Bo Ellings, former American police officer. Played by Kelly.
Josette Gautier, Robert's daughter and assistant. Played by Nikki.
Robert Gautier, chief of staff to the mayor of Paris. Played by Eric Z.
Doctor Aðalsteinn Lokisson, Icelandic archaeologist. Played by Eric O.
Roland Raine, retired Legionnaire, of parts unknown. Played by Noel.
Rho Souna, Korean immigrant, cellist, and changeling (Southern Court Fairest/Shadowsoul/Dancer). Played by Nick.