The first thing the Hermit ever says to the Redeemer:
“You make the voices in my head louder. Why is that?”
[WoD newbie rolls a bunch of dice.]
“How many times do I reroll 10s?”
“As many times as you can.”
[Rolls some more, looks puzzled.]
“How many successes?”
“Um…infinity?”
“WHAT?!”
“Didn’t you just tell me you can reroll 10s infinitely?”
[Oops.]
“We’re going to do what they told me.”
“And what did they tell you?”
“Destroy that which is evil.”
“And we have to do that now?”
“…And, well, there was a lot of death.”
“It’s like, real world, real world, real world, HOOEY!, real world, real world…”
“Yeah, Marco, being a Hermit means you have a 24/7 porno show in your head. Sorry I forgot to mention that.”
“I got in an accident. See that large crushedness on the trunk? Those claw marks are definitely not from a giant leopard.”
“I’ve never met anyone like you before.”
“A hobo?”
“Now you’re on the short end of the Perception stick!”
“On the other side of the street, you see a dark-haired, middle-aged woman in a wheelchair.”
“Sweet! Go tip her over!”
“Some poor person is going to come in here and hear us talking about pushing over people in wheelchairs and generally making fun of them.”
“It’s better than hearing about sex with dead people.”
“Or how Mexicans are stupid.”
“Okay, so, Joe…how long have you been out of jail?”
“You find this feeling hard to quantify, but it feels to you like something very…”
“Sexual?”
“Just out of curiosity, do I have my gun?”
“It didn’t happen very long ago to you, did it?”
“What?”
“Sure, play coy, why don’t you.”
“Someone beat him with the ugly stick.”
“The FUGLY stick!”
“The butt end of the fugly stick!”
“He seems very upset, but not in an angry way…”
“Your lesson is ‘nice ass?’”
“Does anyone here have any medical experience?”
“And ‘chirp, chirp’ say the crickets.”
“I healed some lady who I think lost a lot of blood.”
“By doing what?”
“By stroking her hair and telling her it would be okay…”
“There has never been a deader guy in this basement. Well, at least you would hope so.”
“And then Robyn did the sucky-blowy thing…”
Non-hunter friend to Jane, after Jane asks her to cover up her hunting by claiming Jane’s at her house:
“Okay, if you won’t tell me who the guy is now, you’ll just have to tell me all the gory details when you get back.”
“I turn all of my electronic devices to vibrate…”
“And then I call myself over and over!”
“This really hurts my nuts, but you’ve gotta do it to be cool.”
“What is she using?”
“The Randy gun.” (Better
known as Insinuate.)
“Anything else you do tonight, Marco?”
“I don’t know. I go upstairs and have sex.”
“That’s wonderful, Marco.”
“Yes, I’m sure it is.”
“I’m going to tell them where all the monsters are! I’ll be like, ‘Hey! My brain hurts over there.’”
“It’s like we have to jump-start Joe’s brain.”
“Who would you do if you had to: Dr. Marco or Nikolai?”
“No sodomy, Roger.”
“We can be the house of Zeal!”
“I’m going to mess around with my car’s engine and see if I can increase the horsepower.”
“Okay. Roll Intelligence plus Animal Ken to shove the horses in there.”
“Okay. Eat dinner, play with my daughter, do my martial stuff, do my wife, go to bed. Yup, that’s my evening.”
“So you guys sit down and play Clue with the vampire.”
“Hey, it’s better than sex.”
“Clue is better than sex?”
“No, the Messengers will not help you win at Clue.”
“What’s a rot?”
“Well, when a man loves a woman…”
“Did you talk to Jules?”
“Yeah. He’s busy with It.”
“It?”
“Yeah. It.”
“What It?”
“You know. It.”
“No, I don’t. Joe, what is It?”
“…I don’t know.”
“This is a really long day.”
“Well, that’s because we have eight players, and every one of them is like, ‘I do this. I do that. I play Clue with this vampire. I have sex with that person.’”
“We shouldn’t all drive there. That’s bad for the environment.”
“Since I know we’re going after rots, I bring an appropriate sword.”
“What do you consider an appropriate sword?”
“Well, all I have is katanas, so I bring some katanas.”
“How many katanas do you bring, exactly?”
“Well, I definitely want to bring all of them, so…(thinks for a minute) one.”
“We can’t go in here with our guns blazing.”
“That’s right. I don’t have a gun!”
“In my head, I ask the voices if they can hear me, or if this is just a one-way thing.”
“For a dead man, he drives surprisingly well.”
“Sweet! I am my own binoculars.”
“I never thought I’d be rolling a Charisma plus Performance check for a zombie, but here I am…”
“When he drives into the lobby, his car should explode! Beth, make it be that way!”
“No!”
“What if I Cleave his gas tank?”
“Do you leave your car running?”
“Hell no! The zombies will steal it.”
“Can you Cleave with another person?”
“The Messengers just put you on hold!”
“Sword, sword, ninja, ninja, dead Mexican sex.”
“Come on, Suzanne! Show them how brave you are!”
“We’re supposed to bring other chosen, and between Roger and me, we managed to figure out that meant other hunters.”
“4 in Wrestling. Specialty: Wife.”
“Isaac, huh? That sounds like a good Christian name.”
“The darkness can eat my Mexican fireballs!”
“Go, Intelligence 1 no wifers!”
“Can I Cleave my way into the Umbra?”
“Come on! Just because I smell and live with a vampire doesn’t mean I’m scary!”
“Marco, Marco, Marco. You’re using your magical headache powers so well. I have to get up pretty early in the morning to stay ahead of you. Good thing that I do.”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to be ashamed. I had a friend who once fell down and scraped up his face. We used to call him Pavement Head.”
“It’s black tie, by invitation only.”
(gestures to shotgun) “I’ve got an invitation right here in my trunk.”
“Suzanne likes you. Now I hate you.”
“Trust me, I don’t ask my dice to hate me.”
“You guys collectively have, like, the biggest cojones. Especially you two. I mean, my God, they’re the size of bowling balls.”
“They haven’t come back alive yet. Don’t give them too much credit.”
“Yeah, it’s very possible that this time next week, I could be playing a fireman.”
“The five-second rule definitely doesn’t apply to bloody coffee makers.”
“Next time on Thorson Imbued, Dr. Marco goes dumpster-diving.”
“Yeah, I think the newly imbued would definitely make the liquor store their first stop.”
“So what’s your area of historical specialty?”
“Yeah, Roger. What is your area of specialty, anyway?”
“Um…Post-colonial America.”
“No hunter is prepared without cake!”
“You’re famous, you two were in the paper, you’re a news anchor, and you’re a horribly deformed mall security guard. It’s not like you’re the most subtle hunters ever to walk the Earth.”
“Dr. Marco, they just locked you out of the van.”
“Whatever. They’re all a bunch of crazies.”
“Can you fly with Reach?”
“He’s transcending his body. He can do whatever the hell he wants.”
“Can he pleasure himself orally?”
“Tickle him!”
“Okay.” [Tickles Dr. Marco’s inert body.]
“Where did you just tickle me?”
“Um…the sides.”
“You see my astral self flopping around inside the building.”
“…And then, I update my website and say, ‘False alarm, I guess I don’t have a vampire ally after all.’”
“I need to find some binoculars and spy equipment, and I’ve heard that you are them.”
“He’s not normal.”
“Neither is leaving your body.”
“Man, you should hear some of the things the voices in my head tell me.”
“Whoa, check out the rack on that one!”
“The floor is just a horizontal wall.”
“I remember back when vampires were people…”
“Killing got us into this mess, and killing will get us out of it.”
“You guys are forcing me to think, damn you!”
“Yeah, there’s nothing for us to beat senseless right now, so you might as well fill the gaps with something.”
“I got this number off a poster on State Street and…um…this is going to sound really weird, but I think I have cake.”
“Boy, I’m feeling so full of blood tonight. I sure hope that nobody tries to drink it.”
“So, Nikolai, what is one of these stupid things that it would be a terrible idea for us to do?”
“I’m not going to tell you. It would be the first thing you’d do.”
[about Nikolai] “There’s this guy who lives upstairs…he’s kind of squirrely.”
“Wow. You guys got the moron squad.”
“Blame it on the mid-life crisis!”
“It’s just blank pieces of paper full of bomb!”
“I tell him about everything that happened with Nikolai, including his weirdness, his anti-weirdness, and his re-weirdness.”
“Just so you know, Adria thought you and Raúl were both gay.”
“Well, she didn’t want to say anything about blowing up buildings…”
“I never said anything about blowing up buildings. You must have imagined our entire conversation.”
“Okay, Jules, so does this girlfriend of yours have a name?”
“Um…yeah…”
“Julie!”
“No.”
“Cindy?”
“No. Um…Jamila.”
[Stunned silence.]
“I’m naming my firstborn child Jamila just to spite all of you.”
“Well, I’m calling because to be honest, I had forgotten I was going out with you until someone reminded me…so I was wondering, why don’t we just break up?”
“No, it’s a masterwork Band-Aid of neverending stickiness…plus two.”
“So naked Jules comes running out of the bathroom, screaming at the top of his lungs.”
“Oh my God, you’re clean!”
“Will Camille be there?”
“Indefinitely. I mean, definitely.”
“Everybody wave to the FBI!”
“He shows up as wrong.”
“He has a ‘shoot me’ glow around him!”
“We have Intelligence 1 plus guns. Fear us!”
“Can I gamble Conviction on brushing my teeth? That takes Conviction.”
“Hey, for Jules it does!”
“Yeah, he just opens his mouth to smile and all we see is WRONG!”
[talking about visiting Camille] “We should all goose-step in there and bow like Nazis.”
“You got thirteen points of Fame and the ugliest man in the world.”
“We’ve been playing Telephone with ‘What does “androgynous” mean?’”
“What did you did?”
“What?”
“I mean, what did you do?”
“Channel 8 deems you guilty!”
“He came in peace to the front door. We’re coming with bottle rockets.”
“Well, maybe the next time we have a party we’ll do it at my house and we’ll get the cows drunk.”
“Way to make the cripple cry.”
[to Robin, several minutes after she learns of Adria’s suicide] “Can we get a dog? We named it Adria just for you.”
“How many times would you need to get brain damaged to get like Joe?”
[about a dice dropped into the couch] “Dude, it’s just like any other kid who falls down a well. Just let it go.”
“Hey Meg, while we’re upstairs do you want to get one of those things that’s like ‘ee ee, ee ee?’” [Accompanied by a repetitive “thumbs up” motion.]
“Shall we proceed with our night of Twister and sex?”
“If we feed our pets Conviction, will they become hunter ghouls?”
“Molotov cocktails: It’s Smite in a bottle!”
“I sure hope Birdman doesn’t kick your ass.”
“I could be like a dying relative or something. Come on, Donovan, I’ve only got two days left. Let’s go!”
“Suzanne watched you change? That skank!”
“The gun is mightier than the Ward.”
“You have an assault rifle. You’re more human than human.”
“Ooh, double incorporeal penetration.”
“It’s not gonna happen to this one. I’m gonna make it suck-proof.”
“Tucker! You came back from Canada!”
“Suzanne! You came back from the dead!”
“So…do people with a high Intelligence tend to die really quickly in this game?”
“Yeah, they have this thing about Raúl and Donovan being secret gay lovers. I don’t know where that came from.”
“I do!”
“I picture Raúl as this big Mexican guy, and he’s always on top.”
“Actually, I picture him as the scrawny guy who’s always on the bottom.”
“Why are we picturing this at all?! Let’s play!”
“No, Nikolai is a total party animal. You should see him when he can walk.”
[about Camille] “She was already dead. We just made her realize it.”
“And then we do stuff. It usually involves killing.”
“Seriously, any short Mexican guys are like automatically sex slaves.”
“Don’t make this any worse than it already is.”
“He isn’t asking us to hang up our sticks and guns.”
“I’m not going to pretend like I know what’s going on or anything, but…”
“…So when you come home to your apartment and there are a bunch of pillows and blankets hovering in front of you at eye level, you’ll know you’re really in trouble.”
“Less talking, more killing, Jane.”
“I’m a real man. I’ve got welding stuff and spinny saws and electric parts. It’s cool.”
“There’s gonna be all sorts of poo coming down. In sheets.”
“That’s it! Armor the van! In poo sheets!”
“Was there any weird stuff in Mendota?”
“What? Oh, of course.”
“No, I mean weird stuff?”
“Like weird weird?”
“You know, weird?”
“Weird?”
“Yeah.” [Add hand gestures which mean nothing.]
“Like what?”
“Oh, you know. Stuff.”
“I have a summary of our meeting. If there is anyone listening, please hang up. Except you, Thelma.”
“Oh, we have to gather information now. Time to roll my Gather Information check. [rolls giant d20]…natural one.”
“So you said you have connections in the vampire community?”
“Well, if by ‘connections’ you mean that I’ve killed a lot of them, then yes.”
“So, hang out with any hot girls lately?”
“Mostly just my sister.”
“Oh. She’s not that hot.”
[Long pause.]
“…And you’re dead.”
“Could I armor-plate Robyn’s wheelchair? Hey! Then I could have a tank!”
“Stop it with the tank already.”
“But you’d have to make it so she could still do the sucky-blowy thing.”
“I’d just leave a hole. And then I’d tell everyone, ‘Put your mouth to the hole and suck.’”
“So what is Isaac going to do now?”
“He’s going to fight some tentacles.”
“What tentacles?”
“You know. The tentacles on the octopus. Until he finds the head.”
“There’s an octopus monster now?”
“No. That’s not what he said at all.”
“But isn’t that what he was talking about? An octopus monster?”
“I give up.” [Donovan gets another beer.]
“We’ve seen a lot of shapeshifters, but we haven’t seen an octopus yet, have we?”
“Maybe they can all get together and meld into a giant octopus.”
“Yeah! Like Transformers!”
“It would be sweet if we could turn into a giant octopus.”
“Dude, no! Then we’d be like them.”
“Um, Suzanne? Could you be a little more…ghosty for awhile?”
“First of all, you shouldn’t label the box ‘GUNS.’ And second of all, those are my guns.”
“Roll me your Perception + Awareness, difficulty 8.”
[rolls] “Two.”
“She’s eating you.”
“I’m sorry, Dean, but a nice butt isn’t going to get you very far if you’re 5’2”.”
“I didn’t say I was going to kill him. I said I was going to get rid of him.”
“Please. I know you well enough to know that for you, ‘get rid of’ and ‘kill’ are synonyms.”
“What’s a synonym?”
“Joe, didn’t Nikolai say we weren’t supposed to be talking about this stuff on the phone?”
“What? Synonyms?”
“Sometimes, I wonder why I hang out with these guys. And then I remember, I could be with Isaac.”
“Who is Isaac? Was he, like, your old sex slave that you had before Raúl?”
“Well, I don’t particularly want to go hunting through the sewers.”
“I’ll go! Wait. Why are we going to the sewers again?”
“Blood slaves belong to vampires.”
“Slavery is wrong.”
“So let’s go kill all the slaves!”
“Aurora, your phone rings at the ass-crack of dawn.”
“No, not quite. For her it’s a little lower down. Like the bunghole of dawn.”
“I want to touch her and give her some ass magic.”
“Hey, Joe. What’s up?”
“I got into the lab today.”
“Sweet! What did you do in there?”
“I went to the bathroom.”
“Hey, everyone, you should probably know – Jenny’s real name is Aurora. She got kind of freaked out when she met Nikolai, so she forgot.”
“I was trying to be nice, you know, like a ‘I’m glad to be your neighbor’ gift, so I went down to the gas station and bought him a bunch of cupcakes.”
“Okay, Rick? In the future, don’t be spooky, okay?”
“Apparently, stupid just runs in the family. It doesn’t matter what the dots say.”
[Phone rings.]
“Hello?”
“Hi. It’s Roger.”
“Hi, Roger.”
“Hey, Joe? You have a cell phone, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, hang up, I’ll call you there.”
[The conversation then continues on Joe’s cell phone.]
“If she’s dead, she’s probably in a reservoir or something, like on TV. But if she’s alive, he’d probably put her back where she goes…’cause that’s what you do. You put things back where they go when you’re done with them.”
“So dead things go in the reservoir?”
“Yes. All of them.”
“It’s set up like Larson, only more square. You know, it’s this circular thing…”
This needs the names added to be funny:
GM: Everyone roll your intelligence.
Roger: Two!
Joe: One!
Jane: Botch!
Joe to Jane: You’re dumb.
“Haven’t you heard about those guys who hack into the Pentagon and end up getting hired by the Pentagon?”
“So people who bomb the Pentagon get hired by the Pentagon, too?”
“Hey, Dean. I gotta question for you. Do you think the FBI would hire us to bomb stuff? ‘Cause we’re really good at it.”
[Stunned silence.]
(points) “It was Donovan’s idea.”
“It doesn’t matter how I get introduced to him, as long as I can touch him.”
“Getting drunk would be a really bad idea for me. The story would get all Joe-d.”
In reference to the ex-baseball player and convicted murderer getting it on with a 16-year-old girl:
“Joe’s a good Lutheran boy, so he’s got a pretty moderate view of the bases. Home plate is the only one that really matters.”
“So what’s the pitcher’s mound? You’ve obviously been there before.”
“I think it’s jail.”
“If that’s jail, well, so is home base for you!”
“So if you died while having sex with the mage, would that count as an act of martyrdom?”
“Only if I took her with me.”
“Well, I was thinking that I didn’t have enough vampires in my day already, so sure, I’ll come over.”
“So, it’s 2:00. What are you doing?”
“I’m bemoaning the fact that I’m a hunter.”
“Yup, I don’t blame you.”
“Raúl is Donovan’s Spanish Bowflex?” (Accompanied by motions that are impossible to transcribe.)
“Donovan thinks there might be a connection. I could tell, because he made one of those ‘ohhhhhhh’ noises.”
“What do you know about the shapechangers?”
“Not much, because you guys killed them all.”
“But they were humans first, right?”
“Right.”
“And you guys were researching that?”
“Yes, because in layman’s terms, that’s what we call a ‘Big No-No.’”
“Wow! If we would’ve planned that, it would’ve been brilliant!”
“You talk to them, Joe. You should be pretty believable in the role of someone who’s confused.”
Talking to a hunter in Mendota who suffers from fugue:
“I’d wake up somewhere else, sometimes days later.”
“So you time traveled?”
“Oh, that’s right. I guess I haven’t talked to Suzanne for a couple of days.”
“Yes. You’re a bad, bad sort-of-boyfriend, Roger.”
No, I have no idea what was being referred to here:
“Is there any name for it anyway? Like, you know, wink wink, nudge nudge.”
“Suzanne must get Angst points while watching Roger undress. Her Shadow is like, ‘Look at that. Wouldn’t you rather just die?’ and then it’s, aah! Back to the Maelstrom for you!”
“Oh, no! What have we did?”
Talking about Detective Klein, the Bystander:
“Maybe that’s his job. He’s an answering machine for the Messengers. Sorry, the real hunters aren’t home right now…”
“So the dreaded sex vampires have moved to Sun Prairie.”
Roger, making fun of “Joe stories”:
“So, last night, a werewolf walked into my house, and we talked to him. So now, we’re all going to fly toward the sun.”
“I don’t think this is a threat that can be shot with bullets, Roger.”
[Long pause.]
“…Uh oh…”
“It has to be Charlotte. Come on, how many other one-armed sex machines do I know?”
“Oh! That reminds me. Does Charlotte pleasure Charlie with her stub?”
(about missing a meeting with the others) “That’s okay. I don’t really want to be seen in public with them anyway.”
Trying to come up with an acronym for “Isaac”:
“Intelligent, strong, stupid, ass-clown!”
[Note from the Storyteller: LEARN TO SPELL YOUR WAYWARD’S NAME, PEOPLE!]
“Yeah, some Wayward other than Isaac is going to answer our classified ad.”
“You want a Wayward? Well, I’m the Wayward for you. Let me prove it.”
[Someone makes a sound exactly like a plasma pistol charging in Halo.]
“And then he shoots them?”
“With a plasma pistol?”
“Yes. It’s the new Level 1 Wayward edge.”
“So they’re contract Mercy hunters?”
“They’re Mercy-naries!”
“So we want to track these animals and follow them to their base?”
“Dear, I’m sorry to break it to you, but animals don’t have bases.”
“What’s going on?”
“Head stuff.”
“I think someone upstairs is excited.”
“Who? Nikolai?”
“No, Roger. The BIG upstairs.”
“We need to ditch the van, Roger’s been shot, Isaac’s leg is broken, and we can’t walk. Can you give us a ride?”
“Perception plus Awareness, Roger.”
“You see a light…”
“Quick! Pour beer on the wound! That fixes everything!”
“Joe, he’s been shot in the lung. He’ll drown.”
“I know. But what a way to go!”
(Mario voice) “Its-a-me! Isaac!”
“After half an hour you reach the Sun Pretty…I mean, Sun Pretty…I mean, Sun City…Pun Sairie…Sun Prairie city limits.”
“Donovan, an attractive man stands in front of you…”
“Is he more attractive than Raúl?”
“Looks like you’ve got a new Bowflex, Donovan.”
“Yeah! Check out the wingspan on this one!”
“Sure, we’ll work with you. But first, please sign this waiver: It is not our fault if you explode.”
“So…Roger has never had an orgasm, ever?”
“All those pent-up years of sexual frustration just blew up all over Donovan’s apartment.”
“Oh, so that’s what that explosion was the other night. I thought it was Isaac.”
“Yeah, but Isaac doesn’t generally go ‘splort.’”
“Hey, whatever it was, it knocked everything off the walls over at my place.”
“Hi, Joe. You are in deep shit. Well…not you.”
“…And that’s when you realize you’re not dead, you’re just in a sleazy motel room with Joe Tiles.”
“My cop was getting back up. Your cop went squish.”
“You should all burn in hell for what you obviously didn’t do!”
“We should go celebrate your name getting cleared. It looks like there’s a Cracker Barrel right across the street.”
“This is Agent Patton.”
“…Alexis?”
“Yes. I’ve been assigned to work with your group.”
“Ah. How’s summer school?”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently, we didn’t do it.”
“Yeah, I know. Did you do it?”
“Well…yes. Who wants a beer?”
“Our perfect operation was ruined only by not being able to tell up from down.”
“Yes, I’m dating someone. Yes, I’m straight. Yes, she’s taller than me. And yes, that man is very attractive.”
“It’s…the incredible shrinking Martyr!”
“They’re little pills that say ‘eat me.’”
“And I say, ‘Fuck you too, little pills!’”
“If you had experience points right now, I would take them away from you.”
“You’re his girlfriend, though. There are all sorts of privileges you could withhold from him.”
“I don’t take my gaming that seriously.”
“I do.”
“Another night spent on the couch. I hate you, couch.”
“So he’s giving his speech, and my group is shutting up. And no, you can’t have a tank.”
“You don’t even need to be depressed to join our mindless army!”
“Why couldn’t I think of that?”
“Because you’re not an everything monster.”
“There may be some minor side effects…”
“Like an allergy to silver!”
“I run outside and slam the door on my bike…wait a minute.”
“Everything Monster?! I thought I took you out!”
“That’s just what this group needs. A flaming octopus.”
“Thuper! Let me give you all a hug.”
“He’s a protected source.”
“I’m not banging him for information, too.”
“For the hundredth time, no, you did not kill your cop. You just gave him severe brain damage.”
“I just brought him down to my level.”
“Yo, Dean. What’s up?”
“I’m on the Pill.”
“Why would I want to drop penises on your face?”
“Is it a bad idea to hide in a trash can?”
“As long as you don’t try to get out of it by setting it on fire.”
“Oh, that’s right. She was the bug-demon with the flaming claws.”
“Hey, uh, Annie…would you mind slapping Nikolai around a little bit?”
“Joe’s mind right now is like, ERROR. ERROR. DOES NOT COMPUTE.”
“No, it’s more like, ‘I wonder where Claudia is right now, so I can throw a baseball at her.’”
“Is the chuckle from Georgia? That’s all that I’m asking.”
“So you’re now in a room with a life-size fiberglass replica of a blue whale. What do you do?”
“Wait a minute. CAKE!”
“The S is for sucks!” (Spoken
by my terrible blue whale drawing on the white board.)
“Yes, I know that a dork is a whale penis. That make you a big whale penis, Noel.”
“You’re a pencil-hater. You only use pens.”
“I have a 4 in Expression. I don’t need to erase.”
“Well, in the battle of Fortitude versus aerosol can, guess which one wins.”
“Hmm…it would probably be prudent to shoot someone right about now.”
“I’m going to try and Demand myself right onto that whale’s ass.”
“So you look into the window. There’s an older, shirtless man in gym shorts sitting on the couch watching a baseball game. And he gives you the strangest look as you peer into his house.”
“I check the score and walk away.”
“Roger, you’re having an incredibly vivid dream about climbing and running. When you wake up, you’re standing upright.”
“I look around. Is there a satellite anywhere nearby?”
(after laughing my ass off) “No. All you see is darkness and a faint light off in the distance.”
“Well…I guess I walk into the light.”
“Behind you, Suzanne is like, ‘No, Roger! Stay away from the light!’”
(about Nikolai) “He had that one look on his face that made me want to poke him.”
“Hey, Matt. This is Joe. I just wanted to make sure you woke up at your house this morning…because not everyone did.”
“Rick says I woke up in my room, but I really woke up at the mall.”
“That’s weird. Robyn says I woke up here, but I really woke up on some guy’s lawn.”
“Dean, you walk into your office, and there’s a little red light flashing on your phone.”
“…That’s the evil light.”
“You open the door.”
“BLAM! You see a trash can! With a shotgun!”
“It was me all along!”
“So…they’re remote control pills?”
“Actually, you did all of this because we were mind-controlling you. It worked like a charm.”
“Actually, it worked like a rote.”
“This enlightening discussion of how to make people poo in the World of Darkness was brought to you by Noel and Iain.”
“And the letter P.”
“Dean, from the bottom of the ladder, you hear Joe hawk a massive loogie into the Madison water tower.”
“Hey, Dean Mills from the newspaper! You better get off that water tower right now before the cops catch you!”
Noel tries to ask Sarah how old her character is:
“Hey, Sarah? In character what is your age out of character?”
“I feel more dirty having showered!”
“Shit. Now we’re going to have a group of hunters who haven’t showered in weeks.”
“Demons made us put mind control drugs in the water tower, so don’t drink the water.”
“Do you need help?”
“Yes, can you come?”
“Hi, Trina. This is Joe. Demons put mind control drugs in the water supply. Invest in bottled water, because we’re going to panic the masses tomorrow.”
“Come on, Roger. I’ve been watching you long enough to know that you’re not the sharpest tool in the box.”
“Um…no.”
[Joe inadvertently releases a huge supernatural effect into
a water tower, then uses Cleave to chop down the watertower so it can’t spread,
flooding an entire suburb in the process.
As he runs away, he says:]
“…My bad.”
[Momentary pause of shock.]
“Iain, an entire subdivision is underwater! ‘My bad’ doesn’t even begin to cover this!”
“Tomorrow, we go into that lab, come hell or high water.”
“That’s okay. Today we’ve had both.”
“If she destroys the world before I turn 17, she’s gonna pay.”
“No one else took it upon themselves to roll for penis, so I was basically forced to.”
“You see, I don’t feel like I really get to know a person unless I know his penis score.”
“You’re like a little me.”
“Oh, great. Mini-Joe. With boobs. [rolls dice] 5-point boobs.”
“So, are we trying to be inconspicuous here, or what?”
“Oh, good. I am smart enough not to mention the end of the world to the crazy people.”
“Okay. I’m going to draw a note for Dean with a picture of a watertower on it. But I’m going to do it in such a way that someone who was looking at it wouldn’t be able to tell what it was.”
“Donovan, you now have a stick up your butt. It reminds you of Raúl.”
“They have Pandora and they have Jasmine. We can get two fish with one blow.”
[Long pause.]
“…Two fish?”
Cast of Characters:
Jane Baxter, a 16-year-old
Avenger. Orphaned by vampires, she escaped her abusive foster family with
Roger’s help and now lives in Robyn’s house. Is secretly dating Joe and trying
to work through her fear of the undead. Played by Nikki.
Roger Drenn, a mall security guard Visionary with a terrible deformity
and a tragic past. Spends his time pondering ways to destroy monsters, watching
out for Jane and Rick, and keeping Suzanne from getting killed for a third
time. Played by Jake.
Aurora Hamilton, a Judge who waits tables and moonlights as a left-wing
extremist political commentator. Very new to this whole hunter thing and still
more than a little confused. Played by Sarah.
Donovan McCray, a
Judge best known as a reporter for the WISC-TV news. Dreams of someday breaking
the monsters’ stranglehold on the media and exposing them to the world. Played
by Noel.
Dean Mills, a Martyr columnist
for the Wisconsin State Journal. Also new to the hunt, but has jumped feet
first into working with the group and investigating leads with the help of
Carrie Repke. Played by Andy.
Joe “Soft Shoe” Tiles, an
Avenger and former pro baseball player recently released from jail after murdering
a pitcher (he was a monster) on national TV. Drunk, unpredictable, violent,
and very useful to have around. Played by Iain.
Storyteller: Beth
No Longer With Us:
Cassandra Christianson,
an Innocent bull rider and rodeo star. Lives on a ranch outside Madison. Peripheral
member of the group; hasn’t been seen for weeks. Played by Missy.
Julian Davis, an itinerant
South African Redeemer, EMT, and bakery employee. Died honorably in battle
with Camille Lee’s ghouls. Played by Meg.
Adria Jinksen, a teenage
Defender on the run from her abusive father. Committed suicide. Played by Missy.
Tucker Lewis, a professional race car driver and Visionary. Recently returned
from Canada, where he fled with his family after being menaced by a zombie
he had accidentally killed as a teenager. Skipped town again with his family.
Played by Ernst.
Mark Traynham, a Hermit
heart surgeon and practitioner of martial arts. Shot to death mercilessly
by Camille Lee’s butler after choosing the wrong moment to ask for an audience
with her. Played by Marco.