Changeling: The Dreaming Quotes


The pooka discusses the redcap:

“I’m going to call her Creepy Scary Girl!”


Used to explain every weird or unlikely happening:

“...’Cause this is L.A.”


“I saw a drive-by popcorning once in L.A.!”


“Pleased to eat you!”


“So you’re talking to the prime rib of humanity?”


“Well, you can try to eat him if you want.”

(spoken by 3 players at the same time) “With some fava beans and a nice Chianti?”


What I will never live down:

“Okay, now I need to talk to Jenny.  No, wait, I lied.  Who I really need to see is Anne.  All right, Anne...(pause) know what?  I lied again.  I’ll start with Jenny.  And Jenny, I lied again, because the circus really is in town...”


The first meeting between the pooka and the sluagh, in the middle of a crowded bar:

“I’d like a Chianti and a Long Island Iced Tea, please.”

(The sluagh whispers something unintelligible.)

“What was that?  You’ll have to speak up.”

“I can’t.  That’s because I’m a sluagh!”


“You better not call my music popular ever again!”


“Nina, does your door swing both ways?”


“It’s like Cheers, only skankier!”


The eshu is reprimanded by the pooka for discussing legal nuances with Lady Stavroula:

“Hey!  That sounds like BANALITY!”


(weird wet gurgling sounds)

“Yes, Miss Sex Goat?”


The satyr spends too much time hanging around with sluaghs:

(whispering)  “Why did you come to...”  (suddenly using normal voice)  “Wait, why am I whispering?”


“Satyrs don’t have to wear pants!”


“Are you trying to seduce the yummy guy?”


“There’s too many kiths that start with S.  Satyr, sluagh, sidhe...”


“Starts with P!”

“Or so you think!”


“His destiny is my snack!”


Spoken by the redcap, who in the previous session chewed half of an NPC’s face off:

“What’s my character’s favorite kind of sandwich?  Open face!”


“Where are your parents?”

“I ate them.”


“It’s human-riffic!”


“I wanna talk to pinhead tattoo woman.”


The pooka gloats after using Confidant to get the redcap to be her friend:

“Ha ha liked me.”


“Well, now that we’ve had our gratuitous ‘Silence Of The Lambs’ reference for the night...”


“Hey, I don’t pretend to know about the satyr’s bra size.”


“Don’t you have a job somewhere?”

“No, remember that thing about accidentally shooting my boss in the butt?”


The pooka resorts to extreme measures to feed her psychic vampirism:

“Can I go find a prostitute somewhere?”


“It’s like Donald Duck trying to hack up a hairball!”


After the pooka realizes she can get psychic energy by rubbing up against strangers on the subway:

“She’s ‘going to Subway’ to ‘get her fill.’”


“First I want to meet a kid, then I’m going to eat him!”


(whisper whisper whisper)  “Oh really?”  (whisper whisper)  “Well, not in my World of Darkness!”


What the redcap learned:

“When a vampire drinks changeling blood, weird shit goes down.”


“You know, usually actresses try to sleep with the director BEFORE they get cast...”


“Is anyone else proud of the way I ravaged that bitch?”


“See, after we had that talk about you being a cannibal and all...”


“Your dice went up my pants!”


Sarcastic GM comment after the satyr asked if there was anything written in the octopus’ spiderweb:

“Yeah, the spiderweb says ‘some pig.’”


“He has a beret and funky hair?  Omigod that’s so cuuuuuute!”


“Nope, it’s the same old octopus.”


“Stuart—it’s what’s for dinner!”


“He doesn’t have scary teeth, Creepy Scary Girl.”


“She’s not stupid, she’s just a pooka!”


“I wish I could quote your facial expression right now...”


“P is for pooka, that’s good enough for me!”


After the satyr gives the pooka an autographed picture of herself for Richard:

“Great, now I have to roll contested willpower with myself to make sure I give it to him.”


“Do you have the book?”


“Can I borrow it?”



“Um...because Moro peed on it!”

“Oh, okay, thanks.”  (starts to leave)

“Um, Althea, your Common Sense merit tells you that since Moro is a chimera, he doesn’t have bladder functions.”

(turning back)  “Hey, wait a minute...”

“Yeah, hindsight is always 20/20, isn’t it now?”


“Is that a National Geographic in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”


“I want to know about the octopus!”


The satyr fights the killer chimerical octopus-spider:

“I’m going to kick it with my goat feet!”


“Did you realize ‘Drew’ is ‘ward’ spelled backwards?  Oh wait...I just can’t spell.”


“Doesn’t stop me.  I’m a skank.”


“Even if I’m not getting any in the real world, I still have my psychic juices!”


“I’m not going to make you roll Perception to see if he got laid!”


“This had better be about molecular composition or I will NOT be happy...”


“Congratulations, smartass, you’ve been bitten by a vampire!”


While talking to Jerry:

“Too bad my gun’s in my room...”


“Suddenly, my boss just looked like this giant bear butt...”


After I realized I was talking perhaps a bit too knowledgeably about the nutritional value of a human hand:

“Don’t ask me how I know so many ways to prepare human flesh.”


“Annabelle made us some soup.  It’s finger lickin’ good!”  (The soup had a human hand in it.)


After the satyr confronts the redcap about the human hand in the soup:

“This is one of those cases where any lie you could tell would be less bizarre than the truth.”


“I mean, you knew she was a redcap and all, but shit!”


“Go, go, little burrito, go!  Heat up, my child...”


The pooka’s breakfast burrito song, to the tune of the Hallelujah Chorus:

“Oh burrito...oh are are creamy...I lo-o-ove you.”


“People are not M&Ms!”

“Melts in your mouth, not in your hand!”


“Changeling just isn’t Changeling unless somebody turns to cannibalism before the night is over!”


“Well, you don’t get any bonuses from it, apart from the profoundly satisfying feeling of sucking away someone’s will to live.  Hell yes.”


“I need to borrow a trusty troll for a moment...”


The satyr’s response to everything after “borrowing” Lady Stavroula’s troll:

“I enlist the help of my troll.”


“I turn to the troll and ask him, ‘Quick, what are your Arts?’”


“Can I try talking to his clothes?”


The redcap bemoans the lack of fire (for burning vampires) in her room:

“Why can’t I be a pyromaniac?”


Attempting to stake a vampire with office supplies:

“I try to look menacing with my #2 pencil.”

“They laugh at you.”


“Yeah, right, I just pull the flamethrower out of my pants...”


“The pinhead tattoo woman is trying to kick you with her crazy kung fu.”


“I’m bonded to you in a strange feed-me-a-stray-human sort of way.”


“Ah yes, Anabelle of the Spicy Hot Bitch clan.”


“Jump as in attack, or jump as in romantically attack?”


“You may dodge if you would like.”

“No thanks, I want to kick Jerry in the balls this round.”  (She did.)


“I want to find that troll with Primal 4.  Is he in the room?”


“Well, I look outside.  Is he outside?”

“No, he’s not.”

“Why can’t I find him?”

“Because I’m not going to give you a hit point vending machine.”


“Ha ha!  You’re popular!”


“Can I tell which one of the people on our lawn owns the van blocking the driveway?”

“Just by looking at them?  No, unless you suddenly developed the birthright ‘Divine Car Ownership.’”


Ryan discusses the sluagh:

“Sometimes you don’t have any teeth.  That reminds me of my grandma.”


“Oh my God!  Talk your way into his pants why don’t you?”


The redcap tells us why professors are particularly tasty:

“Marinate ‘em in knowledge for 22 years, then stick ‘em in the oven!”


“She’s a satyr.  She’s probably off having freaky goat sex somewhere.”


Ryan, on the satyr:

“Nina’s got funny legs!”


The pooka is attacked by a 10-foot-tall chimerical bunny rabbit:

“It’s got murder in its eyes even though it’s a herbivore?”


Sarcastic GM comment after the pooka worries the motley won’t believe that she met Mary Eleanor Teasdale:

“Then you’d be the wolf pooka who cried famous author.”


“Are you rolling to see if you snap her neck?”


“You going to come, goat girl?”


“Just because I’m a pooka doesn’t make me a liar!”

“Um, actually, yes it does.”


“Guys, I think we killed the GM!”


“Ryan is a changeling who has not yet undergone his Chrysalis.”

“Yeah, he’s like a grub.”


After being grossed out by Mischa and her vampiric baby:

“You’re a redcap, so you’re not going to have a problem with this.  Little seelie eshu here, however...”


“Vampiric politics you will never understand until you are well and truly dead.”


“Chug!  Chug!  Chug!  Chug!”  (Chanted about two glasses of blood.)


“Yeah, she puts anti-coagulants into all her blood slushies...”


“Where’s Jerry?  I think he’s off consorting with the freezer.”


I bemoan the fact that my chronicle has gone from light and cheery to dark and angst-y overnight:

“I tried to make it happy and fluffy, but you had to go around eating people!”


“Okay, I take his intestines out and make some man dogs.”


“Your lunch is two man dogs and a breakfast burrito?”


“Thank you, little burrito, for giving your life so that I may continue to live.”


“Watch it!  Don’t break up your own relationship!”


“You’re very good at causing paranoia and chaos wherever you step your little pooka feet.”


“In front of you you see a small pavilion.  (pause)  No, it’s not a gazebo...”


Why Mike (the Mage ST) is not allowed to sit in on our game sessions anymore:

(whisper whisper whisper)  “With COLD IRON BULLETS?!”


“Ha ha, you’re banal retentive!”


The redcap attempts to justify her actions to the duke, and fails miserably:

“I am a seven-year-old trapped in a child’s world.”


“I love how she breaks the rules for her own amusement.”

“Hey, that’s the fun part about being the Storyteller!”


“You get rid of dancing flora and fauna, but you add a singing candy bar?  How is that an improvement?”


“I have these great ideas about delicious beef jerky, I mean Jerry...”


“What are you talking about?  All of my NPCs have ‘plot device’ as their middle name.”


“It’s come to my attention that I don’t like Jerry.”


“She’s got funny teeth.  Well, actually, she doesn’t have teeth, but that’s what makes it funny.”


“Gimme some hot sluagh lovin’!”


The redcap explains her bizarre attraction to Drew the 8-year-old Malkavian vampire:

“It’s not every day you meet someone you can share a human with.”


“What’s Mischa’s e-mail address?”


“We’re having a satyr bitch fight!”


The players hear jazz playing softly as they enter Spencer’s house:

“It’s not ‘I want to shag you’ jazz, is it?”


“Okay, Emily spends her action doing a contested strength roll with the sheet...”


Ayla explains her injuries to Thomas:

“I found out that L.A.’s not a nice place!”


“Just because I have a one in Etiquette doesn’t mean I have to use it!”


“Pookas have no need for etiquette.”


The pooka’s week-long efforts at finding a stick big enough to make into a vampire stake finally culminate:

“Okay, I want to whittle my stick.”

“Fine, roll Intelligence plus Crafts.”

“But I don’t have Crafts!”

“Do you have Intelligence?”

“Well, she is a pooka...”

“One success!”

“Fine!  You whittle your freaking stick already!”

“Heh heh heh...I’m going to call it Mister Pointy.”


“If I were a mosquito pooka, I could’ve written ‘some pig’ on his chest!”


The effects of having a cannibalistic redcap in the party:

“What do you guys do before you leave town?”

“I say good-bye to Seana.”

“I say good-bye to Ryan.”

“I make the rest of the dead bodies I have in the freezer into man dogs.”


Leaving the freehold:

“No, you can’t steal the balefire.  It just doesn’t work that way.”


“It’s so funny when bad things happen to French people.”


“For once, there will be no meat products in my coffee cake!”


“Since you’ll be hanging around with us for awhile, there’s something you need to know.”

“Yes, we’re all gay.”


“Put your Glamour back in your pants!”


“Hey, it’s the cannibal circus!”


“I’m going to show you what makes a pooka special...”


“I ask the bandanna, ‘If you were the flag in capture the flag, where would you hide?’”

“It doesn’t know that.”

“How come?”

“It’s a bandanna!  You aren’t going to get any tactics from it!  I mean, maybe if you summoned the spirit of frickin’ Napoleon and put it in a hat, you’d get that kind of answer!”

“Can I do that?”


“Thank you, breakfast burrito, for giving me the strength to kick ass today!”


“Okay, Rodrigo and the pooka are now being chased by two pissed-off bleach-spattered goths.  They’ll be my black dice.”


“I’m sorry, Althea, the dice have spoken.”


“Your dice are humping each other!”


“You’re supposed to be stealthy, gumless wonder.”


“I’m wearing my sandcastle building outfit.”


“A pooka in an antique store?  Is that like a bull in a china shop?”


“In Mage, we go searching and destroying evil Nephandi spawn.  In Changeling, we go antiquing.”


“It’s like a tacky painting on the wall of the duke’s office.  Sluagh Playing Poker.”


“Don’t make me kick you with my goat feet!”


The pooka attempts to justify her interest in antique scalpels (for the redcap) to an antique dealer:

“I’m a doctor, and I collect old things.”


“I am NOT an evil Smurf!”


“Okay.  Ayla and Annabelle have set up three picnic tables in a mock Stonehenge and have set the fourth on fire.  What do you do?”

“I strip off my clothes and dance naked around it.”


“We’re talking giant slabs of Snapple!”


“Good evening this fine afternoon!”


“I never should’ve mentioned the ritual knives…”


“We’re going to the Grand Canyon, and after that we’re going anywhere you want to go…after we go to Roswell.”


“If she doesn’t, I’ll kick her with my goat feet!”


“Can I sleep with Nina?”

“If you don’t mind sleeping in the same bed as a half-naked satyr.”


“Did you just say, ‘I want to fuck your blood?’”


“Wah-chick-a-wah-wah.  Bloooooood!”


“Jer-RY!  Jer-RY!  Jer-RY!  Oh…um…wow.  I meant Springer, not your ward…”


“You’re pinned under the pooka.”

“Isn’t that the best place to be?”


“No, I said flying pig – I said hot guy.”


“Why is it that whenever I give you guys a mundane detail, you turn it into a subplot?”

Actually, as player problems go, I’d say this is a pretty good one to have.  (c:


“Penelope is the subplot murderer.”


“I get negative experience points if I eat Scully, don’t I?”


“They’re ignorant.”

“But he’s HOT!”


“It tastes better if you don’t think about what it is.”  (Referring to human flesh, yet again…)


Hunting down vampires in Mexico:

“Let’s go to a bar and ask for some gringos.  Some very pale gringos.”


“Imagine the lewdest suggestion you can think of.  What they’re saying to you is a little worse than that.”


“Oh crap!  (slurp as Rachel licks the quote book)”


“He shoots you one of those charming but disturbingly fangy smiles…”


“It’s a good thing I’m not older, or I’d lick them.”  (Referring to tears of blood.)


“But it’s happy Glamour-infused calculus!”


“So now does our RV smell like drunken Mexican?”


“You guys talk about it like it’s a presidential election.  The Republicans, the Democrats, the Camarilla…”


“No, on second thought, the Republicans are definitely the Tzimisce.”


“Annabelle and Drew, sitting in a tree.  E-A-T-(pause)-I-N-G.  First comes blood, then comes humans, then…um…”


“Eating a mummy would be like chowing down on human beef jerky.”


“So now the entire motley is howling at the moon.  Fortunately, this kind of thing happens all the time in Mexico.”


“The mummy has now been infused with Prime magic.  It burns with holy fire and can deal aggravated damage.”


“I wonder what would happen if I sent the holy mummy to hell?”


Repeated approximately ten times:

“The killer Prime-enchanted mummy takes a swing at Nina.”


“We’re going to buy stamps.”

“To put on my chicken!”


“Okay, so you just picked up an NPC menagerie…”


“I’m seducing you on the Unseelie couch.”


“I heave a pig carcass at the stray dogs.”


“But it’s my seeing eye chicken!  I can’t see without it!”


“She’s an Unseelie pooka.  Does she really need a reason?”


“Truthfully, do you think you have a chance to come out of this alive, I mean undead?”


After the satyr uses Darkstar’s Wand of Flaming Chaotic Death to obliterate a 6th-generation vampire in one round:

“I need to take this wand away from you, don’t I?”


“I’m going to wake up when somebody pokes me.”


“Oh wait, they’re vampires.  I guess they wouldn’t have a mini-bar.”


“You don’t know that.  You aren’t God.  I am.”


“It’s a vampire terrarium!”


“What?  A Gangrel lobster?”


“Congratulations.  You now have a vampire futon.”


“I didn’t give you a look.  I think you gave yourself that look.”


“I wanna stroke a ferret, too!”


“I should make a TV show called ‘Cooking With Things That Shouldn’t Be Eaten.’”


“We are so not talking about the phallic stages of redcaps.”


“Okay, I call out to the bush.”


“I am an archmaster of Metagaming.”


“I use Metagaming 10: Become GM.”

“Oh yeah?  I use Metagaming 11: Smite Player.”


“If a sluagh and a Nunnehi had babies, they’d be sluaghi.  Or possibly nunnaha.”


“The sluagh is not a slut!”


Sung to the tune of “Kiss The Girl”:

“Sha la la la la la, don’t be scared, she can’t bite you ‘cause she’s just got gums.  Go on and kiss the sluagh.”


“Then I could be like portable balefire!”


“Hey, baby.  Wanna go back to my place and make some twookie-nookie?”


“…And as cheeseball as that is, I’ll give you 4 XP for it.”


“Aah!  Aah!  AAAAAH!  I’m…oh, this one’s really fat.”


“What?  Spencer?  Did you just shove him down your pants and take him with you?”


“It’s like a freak show, only unfreaky.”


“Suddenly, this lightning of anger shits out…”


“We need a bocker.  Or a noggin.”

“Noggin?  That must be, like, a giant head that rolls around and shouts obscenities.”

“But half the time, it’s really polite.”


“So you met some carnies, and they told you how to track aliens.  Riiiiiiiiight.”


“I love how you just stop your bunks for a cigarette break.”


“Well, right now I’m too orgasmically filled with anger to care.”


Spoken about the green scrambled eggs being served at a diner in Roswell:

“I will not eat them with a satyr.  I will not eat them now or later.”


“Let’s lock and load.  (chomp)”


“When you set people on fire, there have to be consequences!”


“Do I see any books that look unbookish?”


“Congratulations.  Your Rod of Wonder just turned the walls of the labyrinth to cheese.”


“It’s a Rod of Wonder!  It’s supposed to be annoying!”


“Welcome to the world of the barely conscious.”


“So the alien goes ‘enhyh’ at Nina.  Then you go ‘enhyh’ at the alien.  Then you all just sit down and have a tea party, because you all suck.”


“Just once, I’d like to be able to give you guys something that I don’t have to take away in a nasty manner.”


“Would you like me to intimidate the cow?”


“If I lived in a trailer attached to another trailer attached to a Winnebago, you can be damn sure I’d be happy to get out!”


“You guys do realize, you just picked up another recurring NPC.”  (Spoken about a cow.)


“I Chicanery myself!”


“Protocol means you will behave like a well-behaved group of players instead of the punks you really are!”


“Who died and made you GM?”


“Hmm, why does it not surprise me that the Unseelie characters are at fault here?”


“Hey, it’s a redcap intervention!”


“I wasn’t eating them!”

“Then what were you doing?”

“I was fucking with Carter!  It was fun!”


“You live with three Seelie changelings, and one of them creates love in order to muse.”

“But she hasn’t done it successfully yet!”


“That’s what she does.  She makes love.  She’s a satyr.”


“I’m in love with him and I don’t even know if he loves me.  I bought him a chicken.”


“Maybe we should talk about this again when we aren’t so ready to kill each other.”


“I can’t help it!  I’m anal!”



“It’s just like in the circus.  We watch out for each other.”

“And the bearded lady watches out for the elephants.”


“I know there’s more that Nina and Ayla want to do in L.A.”

“Like BOYS!”


“Metagaming 6: Hold Grudge.”


“Annabelle’s like the evil hair-eating Nephandi baby.  All the kids are like ‘eeee!’ and Annabelle is like ‘nyarm nyarm nyarm.’”


“Will you stop being Teflon?!”


“It’s a pooka route.  We could be going to Wyoming via France.”


“So you have washing machine races.  It’s fun.  By this time, the owners of the campground have barricaded themselves inside of their house.”


Looking at Darkstar’s boneless left arm:

“This is definitely the weirdest thing you’ve seen in at least a week.”


“He’s not thinking right now because he just got smacked with the Prime 6 stick.”


“With a name like Darkstar, he’s gotta be a Hermetic.”


Fun with Paradox:

“So now not only is he charred and steaming, his hair has turned blue.”


“Um, I just kind of realized I’m walking around a hospital with a gaping hole in my chest…”


“I told you to talk to him about not using vulgar magic!”


“Are you from around here?”

“We’re from L.A.”

“I’m from wherever the road takes me.”

“I’m from hell.”


“I’m going to put some chimerical pants on.”


“Nathan!  We need to have a talk about good and bad uses for co-location!”


“I am so not giving birth to a Tamagotchi with Gabriel.”


“Their baby is a Giga Pet.  Every time it reaches puberty they just hit reset.”


“How did you keep the wand from hurting you?”

“Um…we didn’t aim it at ourselves?”


“Do sheep have Avatars?”


“You could be the mage formerly known as Darkstar!”


“What did she look like?”

“You know the Wicked Witch of the West?  She looked nothing like that.”


“Did she have any identifying characteristics beyond the hair, the sheep, and the poof?”


“Okay, was it a Mischa kind of not-out-in-the-sun-very-much or an Erin kind of not-out-in-the-sun-very-much?”


“This is silly, but I like it.”


“He’s a Hermetic!  Of course he’s an arrogant prick!”


“For being a person who creates love, you aren’t very good at it.”


“Hey, Darkstar!  Wanna come see my chicken?”

“What kind of come-on is that?”


“Eshus, the bigger, the better.  Oh wait, I’m seven.”


“I used to come out here a lot whenever I wanted to do magic.”

(spoken in the most suggestive way possible)  “Was it vulgar?”


“Do not try and eat its Avatar, or you will be the first changeling to discover Paradox.”


“Do I find Mischa sexually attractive?”


“That’s not a story.  That’s a bunch of sentences strung together in the most fucked-up way possible.”


Romance tips for Darkstar:

“You should be yourself.  Only not completely.”


Annabelle’s good-bye:

(sobbing)  “IT’S SO IN CHARACTER!”


“Why do I feel like I just killed Gabriel?”

“Because you were my Gabriel, only in an innocent, non-kinky sort of way!”


“Not only is your biological clock ticking, woman, the alarm went off a few years ago but you keep hitting the snooze button.”


“Every time you hear the sound of an arm being gnawed off, think of me.”


“Does he try and kiss her?”

“No, he doesn’t.”

“Does he give her Magic cards?”


“If you die, we’ll eat Cluck-Cluck!”


“He’s like the lone musketeer of Australia.”


“Do you sidhe what I sidhe?”


“Did you just say they killed him because he was a virgin?”

“No, because he was aboriginal!”


“Did you just regurgitate dice?”


“It’s a sleeping bag of holding!”


“You cannot have a Chimera-dex.  It just doesn’t work that way.”


“In our World of Darkness, no roads lead to the Grand Canyon.”


“This Christmas, I want a puppy…and a Rod of Wonder…and Paul McCartney…and my very own vampire…”


“Reality so did not have budget cutbacks.”


“Get your hands out of my pouch!  That is my personal pouch!”


“We haven’t really been on track tonight.”

“Yes, which means the plot wagon will have to swerve a bit in order to run you over.”


“Foster’s.  Australian for cheese.”


“Joey, don’t let anyone into your pouch, okay?”

“What kind of whore do you think I am?”


“It’s the Pillsbury dough-elephant!”


(monotone, disgusted voice)  “Darkstar, Darkstar, Darkstar.”


“Can I hold your third boob?”


“Does he wave his wiggly hand or his unwiggly hand?”


“You can rub my amulet anytime.  Um…I mean…oh God…”


“I keep all my stuff in my kangaroo.  (pause)  That sounded so bad.”


“You inspire hope by playing Snood?”


“I can’t believe I hit the reality button and the game hasn’t even started yet.”


“It’s a Halloween episode because satyr sex is really scary!”


(pointing to Nina’s chest)  “Nice rack.”

(pointing to the motorcycle rack on top of her RV)  “Yeah, it is nice.”


“What are you here for?”

“To see the sun rise over the Grand Canyon.”

“Awww, that’s romantic.  You got anyone to share it with?”

“No, not right now.”


“Well, there goes any opportunity Nina might have had to buy the True Love merit.”


“Quitting smoking does not make you want to get on the Marlboro man!”


“It whips out a dead goldfish marinated in beer cheese soup?  What kind of kinky kangaroo is this?”

“Um…one that you own?”


“I’m not following him to be his boyfriend.”  (Spoken by a woman.)


“Well, since I don’t know him well enough to throw rocks at him…”


“One of these days, I WILL sell your panties on Ebay!”


“I just whip it out of my Butt of Holding.”


“This is like the time I was in Transylvania trying to stake Dracula.  He was like ‘Blooooood!’ and I was like ‘Stabby stabby…(pause)…stabby stabby stabby!’  And he was like ‘Aaaaaargh!’ and then I realized I was stabbing his crotch.”


“Have you ever found anything in here?  I mean, besides emptiness?”


“As soon as he shows up, I’m going to start squirting.  In more ways than one.”


“What are you doing?”

“I’m getting you wet.”

“I don’t need that!”

“Yeah, she has Spencer to do it now.”


“Now, I’m having sex like the horny satyr I am.”


“I’ve had so much sex I know when to stop.”


“Okay, so you just gained a metric assload of Glamour from gettin’ jiggy wit’ it…”


“And in the morning, you and Spencer drive out to the Grand Canyon and watch the sun rise together.”

(Collective “aaawww”s.)

“I give it a week.”


“But do you think they’d, like, poke people with their horns and be like, ‘Give me what I need, bitch?’”


“Hmm, what does Nina crave after sex?”

“More sex?”


“She probably turned off her cell phone.”

“Unless she had it set to ‘vibrate.’”

“No, I think Spencer was providing all the vibrations I needed last night.”

“Magic fingers!  Magic fingers!”


“It’s just a place that shouldn’t be.”


“Here’s a new NPC for Nina to hate!”


“Hang on, guys.  A little more hell has to break loose here.”


“Metagaming 1: Listen To GM.”


“All Spencer brought in was his angst!”




“Looks like you’ve been shot.”


“Conceive a child!  Name it Darkness!”  (Yes, this advice was given by the player of Ripple…)


“Are you the owner of the whole house, or just the dark…sub-house?”


“Oh, Grandma died.  Time to roll up a new one.”


“Well, we know who wears the non-existent pants in this relationship.”


“You gained 15 points of Glamour from boinking someone!  I’d say the theme of the night was definitely sex.”


Tai attempts to explain to the police how Larry the cave explorer ended up gut-shot:

“It was dark, and we were playing with guns.”


“Don’t nag me about imaginary people!”


“I’m being mean to her because she’s a bitch!”

“She’s Seelie now, can she say that?”


“If you don’t watch out, I’m going to stuff a koala in your mouth.”


“If this turns into an orgy, I am so not getting it on with Stuart.”


“Yeah, his apple juice smells suspiciously like Old Milwaukee.”


“…And I’m piss-ass drunk, and I’ll give someone my pee bottle if it’s the last thing I do.”


“(snicker)  Your mom.”


“Don’t you listen to me when I tell you these things?  Never take ANYTHING from a pooka!”


“I’ll get to you and Darkstar in a second, just as soon as she passes out.”


“You Febreze the sidhe.  What’s wrong with this?”


“Yeah, because anything flaccid is good during sex.”


“Pay no attention to the chick from another continent!”


“I love how I’m Beavis and Butt-Head sleeping.”


Once again, to the tune of “Kiss The Girl”:

“Sha la la la la la, don’t be scared, the mage is prepared, go on and suck his dick, wo wo…”


“Yeah, Mom, go out and have sex with random mages.  I’ll watch the house.”


“While the rest of the group is having babies, I hope you’re…you’re…turning your dripping hole toward the mirror of shame!”


“I can totally see you and Darkstar getting married and having really fucked-up kids!”


“Aaaah!  Get your nose out of my nose!”


“Welcome to Lifestyles of the Undersexed and Clueless.”


“That should be one of the Hundred Questions!”

“What?  ‘Do you sound like a goat during sex?’”


“That is so not my fault.  I just wanted him to drink piss.”


“You indirectly pissed on her couch!”


“Hey, you guys could have freaky bitterness sex!  ‘Your people had their ancestral land taken away from them?  Really?  So did mine!  Let’s get it on!’”


“Lecturing the Wyrm!”


“Bad Wyrm!  No biscuit!”


“Oh, sadness.  No more sex.”


“How can the GM metagame?”


“Oh, you’re holding a brownie, not flipping me off.”


“…And they’re all running away with their fat nasty sunburned asses.”


“Just for that, I’m going to invent a tabloid called The Fish that publishes a picture of you in your ugly-ass reindeer sweater.”


“So what do you want to see first, the hot springs or my boss’s ass?”

“Boss’s ass!”

“I don’t care, so long as we get to do both.”


“If there were a such thing as a Dual Kiths merit, I’d have it.”


“You’re not pleased with me?”


“You’re happy with me?”


“Then what are you?”

“A satyr.”


“Do you realize you just said ‘satyr’ in front of my pear-shaped boss?”


“Ooh, kinky Hermetic Porta-Potty sex.”


“Why are you all fingering dice?”


“What gives you the right to determine the dick length of my NPCs?”

“Hey!  I’m the dick inspector!”


“And as we all know, teenagers and pookas aren’t exactly conducive to sex.”


“Beth got lobsters.  I mean flowers.”


“You’re a satyr Virtual Adept?  God forbid.”


“I’m living vicariously through your character!”


“Oh yes, Mr. Lobster, please sacrifice your life so that my boyfriend can finally have a decent meal!”


“Dude, you can’t be racist here.  Save that for Hunter on Wednesday night.”


“I’m the alcohol fairy!  I’m the alcohol fairy!”


“That over there is one drunk eshu.”


“What?  Ward versus Tylenol?”


“Hee hee hee.  You finally found someone who’s a worse liar than you are.”


“So not only have you dumped moldy beer cheese soup on me in the past, you’ve also eaten my psyche!”


“I’ve lived out of a van my whole life.”

“I’ve lived out of a jeep.”

“I’ve lived out of a kangaroo.”


“Hey!  I think I was more than justified in that beer cheese act of violence!”


“…And it’s all because I’ve had sex.”


“What were you thinking?  ‘Hmm…we’re in the middle of nowhere, which means no one will hear me moaning and screaming.  Darkstar!  Darkstar!  Darkstar!’”


“She does not have the compulsion ‘randomly boink men.’”


“She’s a satyr!”

“And he’s a Darkstar!”


“That’s because he’s going to bust a nut when she starts talking about positions.”


Sebastian the lobster’s response to Darkstar getting sex tips from Nina and botching them horribly on Althea:

“Sha la la la la la, he was scared, and he wasn’t prepared, he kind of licked the girl, wo wo…”


“Steppy steppy…(pause)…steppy steppy steppy!”


“Awwwww, he backlashes for you.  That’s so sweet.”


Storytelling what happens when Darkstar magic missles a chimera to death, then immediately backlashes:

“So basically it’s like, ‘Aaaaaah!’  ‘Bzzzzoo!’  ‘Sfweh!’  ‘Fwoosh!’  ‘Urk!’  ‘Fwumph!’”


“Come on, he risked his life for you!  The least you can do is give him a blow job.”


“Eventually you’ll have to realize that it’s Darkstar.  He doesn’t even have balls to cheat on you.”


“Foster’s: Australian for everything.”


“Ayla is so not Harry Potter.”


“Does cold iron bother anyone here?”


Tai’s phone message:

“Um…hi.  My name is Tai…and…um…guys!  (click)”


“Instead of going ‘bamph,’ he’ll go ‘boom!’”


“When sidhe get pissed off, bad things happen.”

“Same with satyrs!”


“And this one time…at fae camp…”


“Did you just say ‘I’ll lick my carriage eatin’ tofu?’”


“Althea just said ‘fucked up?’  The world is coming to an end.”


“Yes, that’s right.  Go GM yourself, Nikki.”


“Oh, it’s a daisy chain of…never mind.”


“I was subtly flirting with my roommate!”


“Shooting the shit?  Wow, look at how far that bullet flew!”


“Satyr frat boy, all the way.”


“I WILL be the alcohol fairy!”


“Woohoo!  She’s a glitterbitch!”


“I’m trying to storytell here, people.  Can’t you act out your little psycho sex drama elsewhere?”


“Oh yes, because all male sidhe are obviously gay.”


“He likes commoners…he doesn’t use Sovereign…it’s a match made in Arcadia!”


“Stuart has a boyfriend.  I mean girlfriend.”


“Hey!  That sounds like Banality for Jenny.  Not for Althea, for Jenny.”


“No, he made his Perception check.  He just failed his Apathy save.”


“Dogs, huh?  Those things are cool.  Until they sniff out your drugs.”


“No one stabs a dog in my town!”


“Dude, you could try to fence with her, and then every time one of you gets poked you could be like, ooh!”


“Since when do you have the birthright ‘deduce fuck friends?’”


“There’s boogers on my adventure notes in two places!”


“Do not touch me.  I walk quite nobly.”


“He’s a Republican, so obviously he’s evil.”


“Roll a Blind Flash of the Etiquette check.”


“Yes, because anyone who owns an Imac must be evil.”


“I’m just imagining the file tabs: People I’ve Helped, Sidhe I’ve Killed…”


“We can order your underwear from!”


“I wasn’t gonna pull an Althea.  No offense, Althea.”


In reference to Stuart’s relationship with Zyah:

“You’re not losing an NPC.  You’re gaining an NPC.”


“Can I use Soothsay on the piece of paper?”


“As far as I know, he was just writing a note…(pause)…and I know he was just writing the note.”


“We need to think about this in a calm, rational manner.  What does chitin not like?”


“So then I go and play with the squirrels instead.  They’re really stupid.”


“Ah, the plot thickens.”

“Yes, the plot is now goulash.”


“Aren’t you the least bit curious as to why he was fighting onyx men in the girls’ locker room?”


“I’m sorry, but mage isn’t contagious.”


“I knew it!  The screwdriver is pulling all the strings!”


“Who’s Nadia?  Oh yeah.  The little girl who talked shit.”


“And then, I pretty much died…”


“I know what you did last lifetime!”


“Kick him in the sidhe-balls!”


“So go out and find a chimerical psychologist or something!”


“The word ‘dick’ is just recockulous.”


“The Squirm birthright is a wonderful thing.”

“Especially during sex!”


“Oh yeah.  I willpowered the fuck out of that one.”


The motto of our campaign:

“Love means threatening to kick someone’s ass even if you’re duct-taped to the floor as you’re saying it.”


Kat and Tai compare sword wounds to the stomach:

“Hey, we match!”


“Normal women ask their boyfriends to open pickle jars.  Changelings ask their mage boyfriends to open cold iron boxes.”


“Oh no, we missed Stuart’s birthday!”

“He was with Zyah.  I’m sure she gave him a…”

“Blow job?”


“Would they reprogram gay people in the Technocracy?”


“You’re not playing a pooka anymore, so shut the hell up!”


“It says she was named Volunteer Of The Year in 1999 for the…”

“Shadow Court?”


“You never know, man.  That stapler might have cold iron staples, or something.”


“I wouldn’t mind settling down in L.A.”

“And by L.A. you mean New Orleans?”


“They were changelings, and they couldn’t think of a better name than ‘the Battle of Denver?’”

“It was war!  They were too busy hacking each other’s limbs off to be creative!”

“What about all the changeling historians who named the battles later on?”

“They were too busy avoiding the cold iron staples.”


“She was a female, just like her mother.”


“They’re not talking about carpet, damn it!  They’re talking about sex!”


“Hey!  No killing my character while I’m out of the room!”


“Just go make me some soup and I’ll kill him.”

“If you ask me to, I will.”

“Kill him, or make soup?”

“Either one, if you asked.”


“Dude, I’ve got an Intimidation score and I’ve got the scar to prove it!”


“I want to teach that kid a lesson he’ll never forget.  Preferably one that will poke his eye out.”


“I’m a Barbie girl, in a Technocratic compound…”


“I think that situation would definitely call for soup.”

“No, it would need something much stronger.  Like stew.”

“What about chili?  Or goulash?”


“I’m flirting with the bartender.”

“He’s flirting back, but nothing’s going to come of it.”



“Um, how many people are restraining Stuart?  Because he does have Squirm.”


“Roll contested Squirm…”


“You all saw the skull-y thing!”

“What?  When did she come back?”


“I could do it, but I would be hurting for a few days.  Actually, I might be hurting for a long time.  And there’s a small possibility that I could explode.”

“Okay, we’re taking a plane.”


“Do cell phones work through the Dreaming?”


“I’ve decided that I need some more…”


“No!  Wayfare!”


“Seana’s been busy trying to keep people from not dying…”


“Ooh, Angelina Jolie is here, and she’s a satyr, just like me!”


“I want to flirt with Sean Connery.  I’m old, he’s old…”


“Hmm, let’s see.  Sean Connery, save the world.  Sean Connery, save the world.”


“Kill her now, and I promise I’ll make you all the soup you want.”


“Just tell her to stay calm.”

“Oh, so then there’d be a fire and she’d just be like, doo dee doo dee doo…”


“If anyone knows how to cover up a murder, it’s a cop.”

(This quote was originally recorded as, “If anyone knows how to cover up a movie, it’s a cop.”  Thanks, Rachel.)


“You drive the car into the Pacific Ocean?”

“Well, not with me in it!”


“Stop screaming!  You’ve gotta have soup for that to work!”


“You think it’s really cool, but you’re tripping out on Sovereign at the time…”


“Fine.  Then I walk around naked, screaming into my soup.”


“Well, doing it with a wand is a little different than doing it with your hands, or a gun, or a sword.”

(Long pause.)

“Oh, you’re talking about killing people.  I thought you were talking about sex.”


“Oh, I remember that.  That was when Annabelle ate his face.”


“Do you two want to go for a ride?”

“NOOOO!  That’s what they say when they take dogs away to put them to sleep!”


“To atone for my sins, I’m going to ride ‘It’s A Small World’ 47 times in a row.”


“Oh, no!  I don’t have my guitar!”

“Joey could always just pull one out of his ass.”

“Pocket!  Ass does not equal pocket!”


“Can I buy an Uzi in the Dreaming?”


“There’s a little difference between Thistle and the rain.”

“Hey, they’re both acidic.”


“Can I stick the castle in Joey’s pouch?”

“Owwwww!  That’s like having a baby, only worse, because it’s in reverse!”


“It goes ‘Ca-caw, gurgle!  Ca-caw!’”  (Blank stares.)  “Welcome to the Dreaming, ladies.”


“Argh!  Pronouns!  My arch-nemesis!”


“…And then I was like, blah blah blah, the priest went down…”


“I give you a hearty slap on the back and say, ‘You’re weak-willed, too.’”


“I’ll do you when you get out of the ball.”


“Sit in the ball and behave!”


“Bad armadillo, very bad.  Yummy yummy satyr, yummy yummy.”


“Once upon a time there was a sluagh that stood up and said, ‘Eat me!  Eat me!’”


“This is a time when you show him your butt, wag your satyr tail, and say, ‘The best meat’s in the rump!’”


“Sluagh seems to be a delicacy in these parts…”


“It’s creepy ‘cause it’s wooden.”


“Can I create chimerical cold iron?”

“Dude, no!  You know what happened when a guy tried to bring in cold iron?  It blew up the whole Dreaming around Paris.”

“So there’s no Dreaming around Paris?”

“Well…it grew back.”


“Tenchi!  Lord of the damned!”


“I cut its head off.”

“Problem solved!”


BAD Cowboy Bebop joke:

“Fine!  You walk in the rain!”

“In the rain?”

“In the rain.”

“She walks in the rain?”

“Yes, in the rain!  In case we haven’t said it enough times already!”


“Damn it!  Now every time I say the words ‘walk in the rain’ I want to start giggling.”


“You’re like, ‘Yay!  Danger!  Better not tell anyone else!’”


“Oh!  Oh!  Troll brain hemorrhage!”


“Get that troll some soup.”


“Garg!  Yarr!  Argh!  (twitch twitch)  Urrr!”


“Man, I need some soup.”

“I’ll give you soup from Joey’s pouch!  It’s beer cheese, and icky, and moldy!”

“Uhh…fine, it works.”


“I take him into the bathtub.”

“Fine!  Roll contested strength against the dog.”


“It’s like they took the worst parts of every dog in existence, mixed them up in a pot, and pulled out Pancho.”


“I walk in with the dog on my back, say ‘You’re a smelly one,’ and then Febreze him.”


“I need to find the perfect conversation heart.  One that says ‘I need your cock.’”

“But I don’t have a cock.”

“I know, that’s why I need one!”


“Ayla?  This is Nina.  We’re coming to pick you up.  You’re going to fight in a war.”


“Some chick already came through here and took all our fighters.”


“Her name was Zyah, or something like that.”

“Oh!  Not shit!”


“Annabelle, where are you?”

“Outside your window.”


“You said Love Boat, but then you started humming ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight!’”


“Can I marry myself?”


“Did anyone else find it funny that on the night of our last Changeling session, the caf served beer cheese soup?”


“You know how the Lord says, ‘Go forth and multiply?’  Well, there’s your big to-do list.”


“The best part of waking up is beer cheese in your cup!  And by cup I mean face.”


“You get one troll.  He’s very young and inexperienced, but eager to fight and totally obedient.”

“He’s what we call a frontliner.”


“Vampires are like 7-Up—the undead uncola!”


“When I buy those phones, I make sure to get the kind where you speak into it and it dials the number for you.”

“I set it up so that when I say ‘damn’ it calls Nina, and when I say ‘shit’ it calls Tai.”


“Fuck.  Fuck.

“And ‘Ring!’ goes Kat’s phone.”


“May I remind you, you left your sword in the Dreaming in true symbolic Kenshin fashion.”


“Does gravity affect grammar?  I mean, Glamour?”


BAD Evangelion joke:

“(sigh)  Another unfamiliar Seelie.”


“Oh, the irony.  I mow down changelings with reckless abandon and have no problems.  Then, as soon as I try to heal one of them, I turn into fucking Aquaman.”


“His full name is Thuk Frontliner?”


“So do they have aqua kids?”


“Ohhh, Spencer, I do so want to hear the clatter of little goat hooves…”


Cast of Characters:

Althea Ypsilanti, eshu circus performer, settled down in San Francisco to write a book about her adventures, married Jesse “Darkstar” Dickens, Jr., and gave birth to a mage daughter named Kira.  Played by Jenny.

Erin Riley, Gothic sluagh bartender, married Jonathan Standing Stone and became a mediator between nunnehi and European changelings everywhere.  Played by Anne.

Kat McIntar, retired troll police detective, became the Baroness of a freehold outside of Boulder and the mentor to Andrew Hammer and Thuk Frontliner.  Played by Missy.

Nina Faye, famous satyr musician and actress, married Spencer Timothy, won an Oscar for her work in “The Amethyst Key,” and released her second CD to resounding critical acclaim.  Played by Nikki.

Tai, incredibly unconventional House Liam sidhe, settled down in New Orleans with Tristan ap Scathach and altered the aim of her speaking career to encourage sidhe and commoners to unite.  Played by Rachel.

Storyteller: Beth.


Fallen Comrades:

Annabelle Lector, a former 7-year-old redcap with an addiction to human flesh.  Became a Malkavian vampire after her cross-country killing spree antagonized just about everyone.  Played by Rachel.

Ayla Norothoditch, a wolf pooka.  Got tired of being a constant source of conflict, got rid of her psychic vampirism, and left the motley to work at Yellowstone and live happily ever after with Thomas Werner.  Played by Missy.