"I spend exactly two months finding the perfect party dress that looks nice
- one that isn't too slutty, too showy, too cheap, too pink..."
"In this case, I'm going to say you succeed."
"Dude! That dude is Iain's dude!"
"You're not allowed to sleep anymore."
"Fine, spell it a-l-l-e-y."
"But then you'd be a dark, scary place."
"Maybe that's why we didn't date very long."
"Because you couldn't remember my name?"
"She's like a little drunk rat or mouse."
"Oo! Plastic castle! Wow!"
"Do you know how to snake charm?"
"No, I use tongs."
"Eww, the Peace Corps. You might have to pee in something that's not porcelain."
"You wouldn't know the peons, though."
"Actually, I would."
"He liked to call them by name and then pee on them."
"Tefflesburg is renowned for its fat men and its anorexic women."
"Freakishly hot. That's Jake. [pause] I never thought I'd say that."
"Woah. Got the money dicks out."
"The first thing to come to mind is 'Tentacle.'"
"You're going to keep the tentacle busy."
"That should be our group mantra."
"Do you have any really big tongs?"
"At our ten year reunion, you we're going to look back on this and laugh."
"I don't think I'm going."
"Did we have sex?"
"I don't know."
"Well, now would be a good time to discuss that."
"When there are tentacles attacking us?"
"I don't like tentacles asking me questions."
"The woman looks bored, sort of resigned to her fate."
"Ho hum. I'm being grappled by a tentacle, again."
"She's been starring in all those live-action hentai, you know."
"You know her by feel? In bed? You did have sex."
"I guess that answers that."
"I'd know that third belly button anywhere."
"I don't know what possible reason pirates could have to lock me in their boat."
"To keep their booty safe."
"I think we're missing something important here. Why have pirates kidnapped us?"
"You feel a heavy weight on your chest. It seems to be a small box."
"It's the Knocking Box!"
"So, you're pirates?"
"Yes. We pirate booty. From demons."
"From now on, every time I open a door, Jack is going to fall on me."
"I'm not listening. I'm looking for rum."
"I want to see if he's part of the dragon. [pause] I mean, demon."
"So, you shoot yourself in the face with the fire extinguisher."
"Well, this is unfortunate. I think there's demon fragments in all of us. There
are apparently a lot in Chris's forehead."
"The captain warned me about this. We need to be observed for a few months in case we get horny or grow tails."
"How do you know all this?"
"I have a book on my stomach that explains everything."
"They're demon pirates."
"We're all demons here."
"I'm going to turn this explanation around and go home if you don't shut up."
"It doesn't have a pronunciation guide."
"I got a piece of demon in me."
"I've got a little Captain in me."
"I can't believe I'm in love with you."
"Don't make me roll your dick for you."
"Well, I have to protect the world from demonic influence. We all have our obligations."
"Sir, what did you call yourself before you became the great Captain Hook?"
"Is there an appendix in here about what to do in case of dead Slayer?"
"So, the Slayer's dead. Henry's dead."
"Captain Hook is insane."
"This is the best day of my life."
"I live a sad and boring life."
"How many oars are there?"
"Why do you have a problem with Jack?"
"Because he's a bastard and he betrayed me."
"Oh, so is that why you broke up?"
[The funny part of this quote is that later it turned out to be the truth.]
"Why aren't you getting on with the killing and maiming and stuff?"
"I feel like killing and maiming, right now - a steak, that is. Is there anywhere decent to eat around here?"
"You just had an ordeal involving demons, and you're thinking of food?"
"That was hours ago, and I've slept since then."
"I'm hungry, too. I wonder if they have any calamari."
"You can't have a decapitating head butt attack."
"They're like kids."
"You can go without feeding them for a couple days?"
"Especially if there's water in the toilet."
"You should read the part of my background I wrote about dating you."
"We have many cheese problems at my house, because we have much cheese."
"I lost my apartment keys to the tentacle monster."
"So, now a tentacle monster has the keys to your apartment."
"Now might be a good time to change the locks."
"Ignat the one-eyed coachman drives the limo around."
"I see him as the child molestor type."
"No wonder I know him so well."
"You've got to accessorize the corpses."
"The natural reaction to human panic is to have sex."
"Shit is slightly above sex."
"I'm trying to find a way to make falling a convention center funny."
"It feels kind of empty."
"But they're shoes."
"You keep thinking about the tentacles and..."
"And how good it felt."
"It's like pirate evangelist."
"Make sure [a raid against demons with a bunch of pirates] happens after 8:30. I have work."
"Did she just Google 'raped by a manatee?'"
"Well, 'Raped by a walrus' didn't get any results."
"It's real. There's a manatee rape crisis line."
"A house divided against itself cannot serve two masters."
"Some of the cobras got loose, but we've rounded up most of them."
"When I come back, you'd better find manatee rape or game."
"I have no idea what you're saying. I don't ever want to see those pirates again."
"I was thinking we could meet at my place and get it on from there. I mean, go on from there. The others will be coming, too. We need to do this together."
[head-butting motions] "It's real! It's real! It's real!"
"It's my fertility injection system. It's called Steve."
"I can't believe you invited a vampire over to Mom's house!"
"Yeah, you just walk away from your Drama Point..."
"Check this out. I thought you might be full of shit. Then I thought you might
just be stupid. But then I found this."
"Ooh, is it our SAT scores?"
"I don't feel any hornier than usual."
"Well, thank God for that."
"We were just attacked by a plot tentacle, I mean, a tentacle monster."
"Maybe you're just unstoppable and psychotic in the first place."
"Can you just open locks?"
[One long explanation about why it's dangerous to use magic to open a door later...]
"I meant do you know how to pick locks."
"That's dirty! You're not supposed to fuck vampires in high school."
"He thought he had some great connection with her, and then it turned out that it was just syphilis."
"Harvesting good-looking guys isn't really my specialty."
"...And when we get back, she's bled to death, and he's smoking a cigarette."
"Are you telling me that Jack has a Slayer fetish?"
"There were a lot of reasons that we broke up."
"Maybe you should start wearing black if you're going to keep killing vampires."
"Stop laughing. I am evil. Don't laugh. I'm seriously evil."
"Do you have a private jet?"
"No, but I have a driver and a limo that turns into a sub."
"Would you plan a session in England? It would be like the Baby Sitters' Club super special."
"Miguel uses the internet."
"Let me get him out of the closet."
"Antoshka's hips are too wide for the closet."
"You can find it on Mapquest, complete with directions."
"Go east across the Atlantic ocean..."
"We should just start bombing each other with our drama points."
"You call his smellphone. I mean, cell phone."
"So, you guys are playing drunken strip twister..."
"Well, I'm sorry the vampire didn't proposition me!"
"When she looks in the toilet, does she see a used condom?"
"She puked up a used condom?"
"You just love hosing my characters, don't you, Sarah."
"Take that, Sardis! I mean Jake."
"That looks good on you."
"It looks better off me."
"He doesn't know whether you had sex last night, either, but he doesn't think
so, because he's still horny."
[sniffle] "I guess that means that whatever I did last night, I wasn't very good."
"Buffy the Vampire Slayer goes to Planned Parenthood."
"Maybe someone was just hot."
"Oh my God, I can feel your ego from here."
"We should start a band."
"A vampire-killing band."
"The drummer would be really good, because he has his own stakes."
[Discussing whose fault the Naked Twister Incident is.]
"You were in the driver's seat. I was in the trunk."
"Yeah, well, I still wouldn't want to swim in poo in a wetsuit."
"I don't need a cell phone. I'm a creature of the night."
"My village's back door is so not being pillaged."
"I don't think I'd want to steal sewer candy."
[snore snore snore] "Mmmm, slime..."
"Well, whatever he is, he can't stay here tonight, because this is my bed."
"I read Cosmo, something about 100 ways to give a better blowjob...while I'm
on a treadmill."
"You can let Miguel out of the closet, and he can give you a cucumber so you can practice."
"And then you can slice it up and put it on a salad."
"Actually, I prefer celery."
"I think you have a problem with anatomy."
"It's like a channel, and it just drips down it."
"It's like maple syrup."
"Sounds like an evolutionary dead end, to me."
"Did you say cucumber because I'm supposed to practice? I meant a cucumber for my eyes."
"Shut up. I am not a coat rack."
"It might just be a case of demonic influence inserting itself, I mean asserting itself. Heh, yeah. Inserting itself like a stalk of celery."
"You fed your demon, you BAD, BAD boy!"
"You already have fucking horns. Just accept it and go save innocents or something."
"I hope if I get horns, they at least make me look sexy."
"How do you not have chemistry with someone like that?"
"Maybe because you can't remember her name."
"What does Alerion feed on, exactly?"
"[Emma the Watcher] is like our social worker."
[Discussing sending Jake to talk to vampires.]
"Maybe they'll appreciate you, seeing as how you have no morals."
"We're not hunting vampires tonight. We're hunting..."
"Maybe he's just a very serious LARPer, who lights himself on fire whenever the sun shines on him."
"When you were up there, did you happen to see Peter Pan anywhere?"
"You know why we can see [Neverland] and she can't, don't you? She's a teacher. Her job is to get rid of imaginations."
"Have fun being a grown-up."
"You ran away from an imaginary crocodile!"
"Ah, teasing the asshole. His famous trick."
"Maybe your flaunting of federal law caused your horn problem in the first
"It's okay. She's English!"
"My God. I'm going to be a twelve-point buck by the morning."
"Fritzie's like my breast, I mean, my best friend around here."
"Fritzie would rather be anywhere in the world than this apartment right now,
including inside a live volcano."
"But the problem is that your Livejournal apartment *IS* a live volcano!"
"I remember hell. I remember Sardis."
"Heh. Jake/Fritzie/Chris. OT3. Omigodtheirloveissopure."
"I disbelieve my own hotness!"
"What if I don't want to know the truth?"
"Then we could be in the box for a LONG time."
"...Because, really, a demon-spawn baby is not what I want to have right now."
"He's playing a character with an Appearance of -3."
"I hope you don't think he was part of our group in high school."
"I've never had a boyfriend. I've only had dates."
"I've never had a girlfriend. I've only had sex."
"You could take the Love flaw for our mom!"
"We could do Mambo Number 5 with vampire names. A little bit of Dracula in the sun. A little bit of Louis all night long. A little bit of Caine when I'm in the mood..."
"Are you ready to get busy, yet?"
"[Fritzie] is like a booby trap for guys."
"Did you bring the wood?
"Yes." [dumps lumber on floor]
"What are you guys doing?"
"We're going to build a Trojan Emma and use her to infiltrate the Watchers Council."
"What are you building?"
"A Trojan Slayer."
"I can TOO say 'penis!'"
"You elbowed a guy with cancer for putting his arm around you?"
"He deserved it."
"Did he survive?"
"No. I mean the cancer, not being elbowed."
"We'll send Miguel out on patrol. If you run into any trouble, call us. We'll be there in ten minutes."
"She's English, not foreign."
"She's 17. She's not even legal."
"But she's English."
"Do you know where we can get an over-aged Watcher?"
"...The sexual tension chimichanga..."
"Who watches the Watcher? Apparently, I do."
"I don't want that one. It's evil. It's inbred. Give it to Jack."
"I put on my arm candy outfit..."
"We should find a way to carbonate holy water."
[shaking motions, opening can motion]
"How is drinking at Angela's house different from drinking at my house?"
"He doesn't know where the liquor cabinet is at your house."
"Okay. Fine. You can have a personal trainer who speaks English."
"Can I take a shower, first."
"It might be more urgent than that. It's a cougar stalking a trombonist."
"Barfing in a sink does not equal $2,000."
"I dunno. Maybe it's a British custom or something."
"I cannot be penetrated, so I will penetrate."
"And how did you get the vampire *out* of the suit?"
"If it's Monday, it must be time to practice blowjobs."
"No, if you drink holy water, you won't piss it out. Your kidneys clean out the holy."
[While fighting vampires dressed up in sheep costumes.]
"Time for lamb chops."
"So you pick yourself up off the astroturf."
"All this killing's made me hungry."
"Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Right, Jake?"
"I really need to reorganize this. Half these people are dead."
"I don't carry around the dead ones."
"Otherwise, I'll just molest them."
"More margarita for the GM."
"On the contrary - MORE margarita for the GM."
"That's what I said."
"We'll see what random things you stick in your mouth this session."
"Here's a whole page of ugly people. Find yourself!"
"You gotta invite him in. He's a vampire."
"If I took a cushion and moved it to the other side of the room, would it be like a school voucher?"
"Are they being loud?"
"Is there any tequilla?"
"He's getting a little gropy."
"Can I see the diamagram?"
[Cranky Chris, to an evil kitten being given to Whisper.]
"You're demon food, now."
"Hack your way into value!"
"You should name [the kitten] Jay. And make it wear the jacket. And make out with it."
"Then we can seduce him AND beat him up."
"The family that buys drugs together, gets high together."
"It's not Chris's pants I want."
"It's what's IN his pants."
"If you see an ugly person, follow them."
"You're going to have to stick your eyeballs in your pocket or something."
"How are you talking if your eyeballs are in your mouth?"
"Come and help me pure the infidels."
"I'm not a demon, and she isn't either."
"Alright, cat, there's two ways we can do this..."
"Joey, I'm about to twist your testicles so hard..."
"My name is Carmac, Carmac du Bois. And you will not touch my testicles, young maiden!"
"Why are you assaulting me?"
"Because you're annoying!"
"Control your young maiden."
"She's not a maiden, for one thing."
"You're now a dog."
"I bite her."
"Whatever you say, don't say anything!"
"With forty vikings, you could definitely make a basement."
"What would arouse a giant penis?"
"So you're taking a crap in the summoning circle."
"Are you buggering the demon?"
"Yes. Yes I am."
"It's like Buffy has been resurrected on HBO."
"So. You ram your head up that demon's ass, and you see some things no one was ever meant to see inside that demon's colon."
"Can he get himself off?"
"Yes, please grab the big penis."
"So, does this mean that the demon was higher on the fuckability hierarchy than anyone else?"
"So, you are getting drunk?"
"That and doing very hetero activities like looking at porn."
"I still think Jenna Jameson is hot, so I've got to be straight, right? I mean, it's not like the demon fucked me..."
"Oh my gosh, grab me!"
"You're making out!"
"We're doing it in the name of busting a drug ring."
"Can I spend a drama point to have two stories split off?"
"No Scheherazade the roleplaying game."
"Are they gone?"
"Yes. They just left."
"I couldn't make much out."
"Actually, you did just fine."
"No. I mean, did you hear anything?"
"It's a book about demon-summoning - the what, the how, what demons to do."
"What kind of demon is Whisper?"
"Con queso demon."
"Can I buy a quickie?"
"I can't be bruised for Halloween."
"What, you're not going as an abused housewife? Sorry. Domestic abuse is not funny."
"There's a band called Francesca's Fingers.
"We should get them and Finger 11."
"And finger sandwiches and lady fingers..."
"And have a Finger Fest!"
"That chair is a size 6, and you're like a size 14."
"We need a tank."
"If they're sensing demons, they might sense the demon in us."
"It's kind of like a fake ID."
"How much is a spectacular amount of money?"
"Two million dollars."
"Damn it, that's like two months' allowance!"
"So if you like eating kittens, how would a lion cub taste?"
"Don't ever talk."
"Is there a Slayers' Union where we can get health insurance?"
"Hi, my name is Angela, and I'm from the Buffy the Vampire Slayer 401(k) plan..."
"We don't have time to drink anymore. It's really pathetic."
"Pets with clothing are just wrong."
"But kitchen appliances with clothing are just fine."
"Fritzie just wants to hide in the cash register. Preferably in the 10 slot,
because it has the least amount of bills."
"Truthfully, she just wants to be a 10."
"Okay, I think I've got it. Do not put my tarantula in my eye."
"I'm trying to make a user friendly tarantula."
"Hi, Jay. I have your coat. I sniff it every night. I turned it into a teddy bear."
"I have your jacket. It's in my car."
"It's a little sticky, but..."
"I need an acne gun."
"Artistic people are pretty artistic about everything, aren't they?"
"How about Knocking on Heaven's Door? It's easy to sing and it's about heaven."
"We should call our band Fragments of Alerion."
"Do we have demon puppet pirates? That would be bad."
"That is true. You guys were all on drugs."
"How are you going to blow up a car?"
"Shoot it in the gas tank."
"With a crossbow?"
"Hey, demon. Leave my favorite student alone."
[to the tune of Pink Floyd's "Another Brick In The Wall"] "Hey! demon! Leave that kid alone!"
"Yay! Jack rolled balls!"
"Operation: Get Behind Jake."
"It's his Achilles' asshole. Apparently, that's where his mom held him when she dipped him."
"I put his Pixie Dust in my bulging pack of Pixie Dust."
"Sorry I buggered your daughter."
Chris to Captain Hook, who has just lost his daughter, his friends, and
everything he stood for:
"Well, if you'd like a pet or something, I can get you a discount."
"I call in sick. No, wait. I call in car accident."
"Your mom is stalking you."
"Well, now we know who got the self-righteous part of the Slayer..."
"Let's play name the new web comic."
"Slayers, spelled with a Z."
"Slumber party in hell's castle."
"Sleeping in the Devil's mouth."
"You get demons stoned. You stroke your katana and think about how cool you
"And how much you need a girlfriend."
"To stroke your katana for you."
"Chicks dig the long ball."
"I don't think it's long balls that they go for."
"I don't think anyone has ever been scared of me before."
"It turns him on." *sexy growl*
"Oh, be terrified of me again."
"No one ever sees that side of me."
"Usually, all they see is his backside - running away."
Season 2: Storytelling
"So, you guys are having a sex grooming party."
"Let me have someone analyze my vergina the next time I get aroused."
"He can express himself through his ring tone - 'I am independent.'"
"The Tefflesburg sound? Is that like the Innsmouth look?"
"I would like to say that Fritzie got more success levels on writing this song than Rachel did."
"[Demons] have to poop something out. Otherwise they'd just be full of kittens."
"See, I need to upstage Jake. If he's taking home two girls, I'm taking home two, no, three guys. And a girl."
"I order a Long Island Iced Tea. Long on the island, short on the iced tea."
"What did you hear?"
"Something like, 6 orbs of Har-Rahman."
"To go, please."
"Demon size it!"
"I'm going to spend a Drama Point now, because I don't like people being chewed on unless it's me. And that's the wrong kind of chewing anyway."
"It's extremely refreshing to no longer be the only neurotic person at a gathering. We should encourage this more often."
"It would be horrible if we woke up and Jack was part of the couch. We'd never
be able to wash him out."
"Bleach! Bleach would get him out!"
"I can see d4s on the nipples being sexy."
"It sounds like a choking hazard, to me."
"Especially for Eric, since the only way he will look at a nipple is if he can suck on it."
In a pouty voice: "Dammit, if there's one person who isn't going to get groped, it's going to me."
"Maybe the reason Joey out-played the entire girls' team is because no one
wanted to touch him."
"And the reason Jake got out-played by everyone was that every time he had the ball, all the girls would pounce on him."
"Wait. Do you seriously have a mullet?"
"George W. Bush is your mom in bed."
"Pretty hot underpants ate your mom."
"If phat has a completely different connotation than fat, than maybe phuk has a different meaning than fuck."
"There's a holy water vending machine?"
"Sulfur is a hell smell."
"When was the last time you smelled an angel?"
"Tell us where the priest keeps his giant owl."
"Next time we make a band, we have to call it 'Indignant Glottal Stopping.'"
"The lightning says 'The love of God.'"
"Please don't jump without Jesus."
"The guy who played Jesus in the Passion of Christ was struck by lightning
not once, but twice. You'd think that would be a sign."
"That God loves him?"
"See, this priest paid this ninja..."
"It's been two sessions since we've had sexual tension and awkward silences."
"Out of character, she'll sleep with you if you don't tell in character."
"You end up making out with the bellboy in the linen closet."
"So, the ninja guy ninja-ed away?"
"I really want to see their insides."
"You want to dissect them?"
"Enough about Jack. Let's talk about me."
"What did the church look like inside?"
"It had architecture."
"Soliciting a priest? I guess I'm actually not above that."
"What were you doing hiring that ninja from the Order of the Star?"
"The Order of the Star? I heard about him through..."
"Please never say stony boner again."
"We work for those who tell us we're good."
"If a drug addict is a druggie, is a magic addict a maggie?"
"Or a magi?"
"Lucky for you. You set the church on fire."
"I think that your cellphone has been possessed by an R&B artist. That or a 12-year-old girl."
"Yes, but how do you know that Satan only has one phone line?"
"I'm just going to have fun watching Fritzie twitch."
"You can call me Nokia, dawg."
"Wow. You really did sell your soul."
"I just loaned my cellphone to pirates. I didn't give it to Satan."
"What do you want?"
"Um, you invited me here."
"Why is everyone acting nice to me?"
"How are you doing, Ally?"
"Well, you got my name right. Things are looking up."
"He's lower on the fuckability hierarchy than your brother?"
"You should kill more people. It makes you nice."
"I like the demon Angela better."
"But I bought you a dress."
[The first explanation given to the head of the Watchers' Council.]
"It's all Jake's fault."
"We have very strong-willed friends who..."
"Throw bookcases on each other?"
"I spend my Experience how I want, bitch!"
"Are you Joey's secretary?"
"I'm kind of a side benefit from some of the stuff he's gotten himself into lately."
"He's a pimp, now."
"Today is the day everyone has girlfriends."
"Yes. Yes, it is."
"Is she your girlfriend, now? I think this is a bad relationship for you."
"It's a country club. You probably shouldn't wear ripped jeans or anything. They'd probably spit on you or something."
"I might be a bitch, but I'm not a racist."
"We're going to be in a private room, right?"
"Yes. Why? Is she going to make a scene?"
"If she tries, I can just turn her off."
"That's pretty easy. This is Joey we're talking about, here."
"I can't imagine a way to masturbate with a cellphone. That's all I have to say."
"I think virtual reality would happen before robot sex."
"Is there anything else you are pursuing that the Watcher's Council should
be aware of?"
"Jake has a fuckability hierarchy."
"Your niece is third on the list."
"I'm going to try to set the Watcher up with my mother."
"What's wrong with you?"
"I'm badly behaved and well-intentioned."
"Is she drunk?"
"Not at all."
"Is she Mormon."
"Oh no. Is it the thing? It's the thing!" (Girly squeal)
"Oh gosh. Your dad's the gypsy king."
[Spoken IC as a joke by two characters who had no idea that this was what was
"What are they doing?"
"Maybe Chris is going to meet his real dad."
"Shh. She's having sex."
"He's a sexual capitalist?"
[Chris's comment after he finds out that he's half-werewolf.]
"Hey Jake, I guess this explains why I kept all those animal suits."
[The brothers discussing Chris's illegitimate parentage.]
"I feel like I should say something to Mom."
"I don't know. It was a long time ago, and she's been through a lot of hard times lately."
"Well, if she wants to get laid, he's in town."
[about Professor Thornton]
"He's so stiff, I think you could drive him through your heart. He's probably made of wood, too."
"She is a bitch. I can attest. I know bitches."
"I understand it's kind of hard to understand that there's something furry in your family tree."
[sung to "Don't Cry for Me Argentina"] "Don't cry for me, BlUdSuKnN1nja!"
"How are we going to get tears of an enemy?"
"We could bring the body of their dead friend and throw it at their feet..."
"Maybe we could use Emma as a lawn ornament."
"Maybe we can make a new enemy and, in the process, make them cry."
[Finding out OOC that Slayer blood is an aphrodisiac]
"Does that mean that Jack is turned on by his own blood? Because that would be really gross."
"I keep wanting to call them the Orbs of Har Mar Superstar."
"I'll take the bunnies to him and just be an avatar of furry fun."
"I don't want sweat of a madman ice cubes."
"How do you make a vampire cry? That sounds like a really bad joke."
"Jack, is there any vampire in Teffelsburg who is known for being a wimp? Other than you."
"What kind of movie would make a vampire cry?"
"Interview with the Vampire?"
"Hey man, whatever you guys want, I'm sure we can work it out."
"Do you have a VCR?"
"We have a very aggressive marketing campaign. We figure that if you're not a part of our target demographic, you shouldn't be allowed to be a part of any demographic."
"Did you just swallow that?"
"Yeah. Why? Do you have a problem with that?"
"No. It's like you're your own biodome."
"Go in the freezer. I'm going to throw that away anyway."
"So, a dead, bloodless rabbit goes in a ziploc bag and goes into the freezer."
[guys, in unison, after Fritzie dances naked]
"Fritzie, that was awesome."
"Ew! He documented me dancing naked?"
"Of course. That's what the Watcher's Council does."
"Jake, I think you should grab her."
"I get all our ingredients out. You have any mixing bowls, Fritzie?"
"Yes. There's one I use for soup."
"I'm afraid of cave rot."
"Is [Interview With The Vampire] Watcher porn?"
"I just got hit on by a girl."
"Yeah. It's been an interesting night."
"I had alcohol, and I'm thinking of sex."
[Jake has just had sex with Mirabella.]
"The women here don't have good taste in men."
"You're right. They don't."
"Do you want to join in? No! You can't! You're a woman."
"I don't think they were intimate. I think they were just having sex."
"The fridge freaks me out, okay?"
"Can't you just replace the fridge?"
"And the mark on the floor. And the blood stains."
"So, are you putting the laptop down there so it doesn't shrink your nuts?"
"I don't know what yes and no mean, right now."
"He gives you the play-by-play of having sex with Mirabella."
"I think it's time for a rage roll."
"She had panties. See?"
"Poor Jake. He's dating a Mary Sue."
"What cover story did you give your mom about Thornton?"
"I told her he was a college buddy of mine...'s dad."
"So, this is how Angela is going to be getting her bitch back."
"We could learn something about what made them the way they are."
"Well, if they play a game where they play vampires called Ass Mites, I think we can kind of see what made them what they are?"
"Assamites. They're the sneaky ass vampires."
"Catholic priests are way different from nerds."
"They bathe, for one."
"Not all nerds are shy."
"What's that mean?"
"That you might end up saying 'no, no, no really no more' than once."
"We have to find alternate ways of dealing with them."
"Anal sex. That's the answer. That'll get the demon out. It worked before."
"Go wash 'em off."
"In a minute. I'm roleplaying."
"You want us to hold off on calling so you can have sex today when she's not sad?"
"This is going to be one big ambiguous sexuality thing."
"Snide comment ruined by inability to speak."
"We're making foofy blender drinks, with fruit, and rum, and foof."
"What's he doing in there? Is he sexually frustrating himself so he can better play his character?"
[Jake's Gary Stu background begins.]
"...And then there were times at school when people would just start dying."
[Jake's Gary Stu background continues.]
"And then you had sex with your mom?"
"I told you it wouldn't be as good if I didn't have time!"
"He said he would never go down without a fight, so since I haven't seen any apocalyptic signs, I think he's out there somewhere."
"He would draw circles in places where there shouldn't be circles."
"Bad CIRCLE!!! BAD CIRCLE!!!"
"She's turned on by angst! AHHH!"
"Mary Sue and Gary Stu are mating!"
"Fight the darkness!"
"This is the daddy cookie and this is the mommy cookie and this is their bastard son."
"How does he have AIM?"
"He has a computer."
"How does he have internet?"
[to Jack] "That's the only reason we let you into our group - for the tax break."
"Ben Stiller could so play Fritzie."
"After I'm done talking to the ice queen, I go over to Fritzie."
"What? I'm not the ice cream."
"Are we talking really forceful or Jack Chick crazy?"
"She has his real name."
"That's more than most girls get."
"If it makes you feel any better, I'd fuck you before I'd fuck Louie."
"Sorry, no. Even if you got that whole shapeshifting thing figured out."
"Do you have one of those toilets that sprays you with water?"
"I do not have an ascot."
"Interesting place you've got here."
"I was just thinking the same thing."
"So, really the fact that there are body parts in the freezer isn't weird. It's the fact that they're in Fritzie's freezer."
[Discussing how to get rid of a demon hand that won't stop moving.]
"We'll take it to the dump, and we'll watch it for awhile."
"I think my freezer made my apartment more evil."
"Maybe we just stuff them down in the garbage disposal. They can't animate
if they're in the garbage disposal."
"No, instead, they just animate into many more smaller versions."
[Fritzie's theory about why her fridge has sprouted demon parts.]
"Maybe the freon's gone bad..."
"Jake goes to the bathroom...and disappears."
"Can I be honest with you, dawg? The baldness is sexy."
"Nokia's right. It worked for Captain Picard."
"Yes, but Captain Picard wasn't a ninja."
"The player is a male. He's playing a lesbian."
"That's not what bothers me. What bothers me is the girl parts."
"Jack, you can be the badass vampire that can walk around in the day!"
"What if I don't want to be the badass vampire that can walk around in the day?"
"...And meanwhile, Fritzie got pregnant with a square baby."
"I just had this vision of Fritzie getting it on with Tyson."
"I didn't expect my apartment to get medieval."
[about ninja!Jake] "You'd think that if Fritzie hadn't gotten over him by now, this would do it, but no."
"Can we not call it Fritzie's apartment of evil anymore?"
"Have Angela pee on it."
"Do you really want to be electrocuted?"
[brainstorming excuses to talk to the parents of various Order of the Star
"Your loser-ass son knocked up my girlfriend!"
"You could be her ugly best friend who's always her best friend because he's ugly."
[after Nokia sends 20 anchovy and pineapple pizzas to Angela's house]
"Well, if she's trying to cripple me financially, she picked the wrong person."
"Joey, you stay out of this. This is between me and your cell phone."
"You keep her from doing shit like that, or me and your cell phone are going to have issues."
"What do you call a woman who makes you buy lots of bling bling? She's your
"Jehovah's Witnesses do not search people's rooms!"
"They do when they're concerned about someone's moral well-being."
"We'll let you in to look for it, if you tell us what it is."
"It's my vibrator."
"Angela has her first inkling of sad feelings for someone in years."
"Now you have bejeweled stakes with pearls and rubies on them."
"The only thing a demon is good for is buggering."
"Does Mirabella know your view on this?"
"Check this out, guys."
"What is it?"
"I don't know."
"We're all gonna die!"
"Anyone have a hamster?"
"So, you fill your pockets with hamsters..."
"...So basically, he was the penis of a eunuch."
"We're bored. It's dark. We have some reefer..."
"You can use your ninjitsu to drive a motorcycle."
"Jake, please never bugger anyone in my name."
"Abstinence is higher on the fuckability hierarchy than Joey."
"Jake's personality is the equivalent of a mullet."
"You know what we're going to have to do to beat Sam Damnation, don't you? One of us will have to give up our soul to bring back the digital web."
"...The butt-fucking ninja clan..."
"You are still fraternizing with that vampire. Why is that?"
"I am simply getting into her confidence to better fight demons."
"Is that what they call it these days?"
"I was using our secret clan technique, master."
[Jake tries to convince Shinobi that having sex with Mirabella is not clouding
his ninja judgment.]
"My head is clear."
[Moment of silence, then everyone bursts out laughing]
"Guys, so many weird things are happening today. Like the shattering tarantula. And the Q-Tip."
"Okay, so we're having sex. But I make him wear a condom, 'cause he slept with that skeezy whore."
[Angela offers Ecstasy to Ally.]
"They're safe. I promise. I tried one."
"This is sad. I'm betraying my friends and my lover for an imaginary ninja."
"By your powers combined, I am Captain Mullet!"
"Hey Fritzie, can you magic someone's penis so it doesn't work?"
"I'm starting to wonder whether or not this is a good idea."
"Having a penis, or not having a penis?"
"What are you interested in for dinner?"
"Penis would be a strange garnish."
"I'm a ninja, but I'm supposed to be secretive about it! I'm not supposed to use it to pick up chicks!"
"Are you going to visit Mirabella?"
"Fuck yeah. I'm sexually frustrated, and it's dark."
[Jake gets philosophical with Mirabella.]
"You see...darkness has a hunger that's insatiable. And lightness has a call that's hard to hear."
"Again, I cannot speak of it directly. Because someone's probably listening, because they are pervs."
"I'm not like most girls, Fritzie."
"I'm a man, baby!"
[Angela's reaction to waking up ugly and fat.]
"I immediately call a plastic surgeon."
"Unless you want to run around and taunt me with your nipples!" [Hocks a loogie.]
"Alright, I sit in the corner and jack off."
"Emma and Sabrina are still in the room!"
"Fuck 'em! If they want to join in, they can!"
"Angela is trying to get me to take Jake's penis away."
"Yes, go talk to the satyr! Just don't let on that we want to kill him."
"Why am I rolling like shit today?"
"Because you're fat."
"It's almost like your sodomy is making him stronger."
[After learning that Joey once had a fiancee.]
"How did you get someone to date you? Did you blindfold her?"
"This is like the Humvee of lawnmowers."
"Thank you very much for your pulsating love gun."
[Anorexic Angela, about the gaggle of geeks.]
"Good thing I'm starving myself, or I might start looking like them."
"That's twice you haven't gotten it up in this game."
"I'm having sex with her for her own good."
"Heh, First Baseman Joey. 'Cause that's as far as he ever gets."
"Where do you get a metal bikini on short notice?"
"Boobs don't have bones."
"I'm a player playing a character playing a character playing a character. This is so wrong."
"I need evil-looking, pointy, dainty, evil shoes."
"My doctor said 'Nalenta.'"
"My doctor said 'Placenta.'"
"We should make her a little computer-generated Depart-Mental thong."
"You're ex-lovers. You had a falling out."
"When I got hairy and she got evil?"
"The Ghost of Chirpric Past. The Ghost of Chirpric Present. And the Ghost of Chirpric Yet to Come."
"Fritzie's a dark sorceress."
"Yeah, well, what else is new?"
"What could be more noble than demon-slaying?"
"Hey, Chris? Once I get my dress on, can you help tie me up?"
"Jake and Joey are going to polish each others' swords."
"It's a syncopated blowjob."
"What's that word in geometry?"
"No. I want to be in them."
"Tyler's a little young for that."
"Joey has a sword. That's a plan?"
"I'm a 21-year-old virgin, and you have no power over me."
"Can I spend a Drama Point to have Samuel Haight show up in a Darth Vader outfit?"
"Lindsey gets shot. Lindsey gets shot a lot."
"No! Not Lindsey! We need her for this holiday season!"
[Jake's business card]
"Jake Rossi: Attorney at Law (and ninja)."
"If tentacle monsters were the good old days, I think we have a problem."
"So, Fritzie - that's two days in a row you've been in the hospital."
"That's okay. They told me to come back later."
"That's good. The stormtroopers kept you honest."
"Nobody gets in the way of me hurting Jake."
"Omigod. My boob is bigger than my head."
"Anything else you're doing?"
[three players in unison] "Blast."
"Do you do a lot of antiquing?"
"No, but I do a lot of lying."
"Chris, can you build me a time machine?"
"Have you seen Napoleon Dynamite?"
"Then yeah. I can make you one."
[about Jake] "He's really excited about something, but I can't understand what."
"Jake is really freaking out about crazy stuff, and I need to get out of here.
What are you doing?"
"Building a time machine."
"She's doing magic. I'm building a time machine."
"Why are you building a time machine?"
"Jake wanted one. I thought it would be funny."
"Ouch, my crotch!"
"No, it's a funny joke, don't you get it?"
"No wonder Nokia hates you. You be hatin' on her dawg."
"Your cells are all going backward, Jake. Of course it's going to hurt."
"Whatcha got in the flask?"
"I don't know."
[after a gargoyle breaks through the window of Fritzie's apartment of evil]
"Dammit! My deposit!"
Season 3: Nightmares By The Sea
"So, you're engrossed in faking it..."
"I bet he voted for Bush. Wait, I bet *I* voted for Bush. Eww!"
"You chug your Long Island ice tea in a dignified manner."
[Chris to magic-addicted Fritzie, after she uses magic to make Cathy look better.]
"You really did a number on Cathy's dress. Do they teach that to everyone in Marshall Fields?"
"I don't think there are that many old military bases in downtown Teffelsburg."
"How would you know?"
"They respect me because I can cuss them out in their own language."
"...So basically, Sim!Eric humps your head."
"What did you do to Joey?"
"I want to make his penis not work."
"Does magic study biology?"
[Jack runs away.]
"We need to get him a ball and chain."
"That was supposed to be Ally's job, until she hooked up with Jay."
"How many tentacles do these things have?"
"I'm feinting on the guy next to me."
[Everyone pretends to swoon dramatically.]
"The fish tries to grapple you."
"Where did my fish go?"
"It says [hairball hacking noises]."
"It climbed out of a liquor bottle!"
"So, visions are like STDs or something?"
"There's a lot less violence in gaming than in real life."
"I need to do research, and I need to find a hippie."
"Those fish might be climbing out of that waste disposal site. That's why we need a tree-hugging hippie."
"I don't think fish can mutate like that, but it wouldn't be the weirdest thing
that's happened this year."
"Actually, it would be. It's New Year's, remember?"
"Your mom is definitely doomed to turn into a giant fish."
"Where are we going to find a psychic on short notice?"
"Why did you kill all the psychics?"
"Psychics are people, too. Thank you for that bold statement, Fritzie."
"It's easier to kill a live fish than to bring a dead fish back to life."
[About a psychic who's demanding a welcoming gift.]
"Can't I just bring him a gift certificate?"
"Who do you want me to communicate with?"
"Kind of a hundred angry spirits who want me dead."
"What happens when you purge a psychic taco?"
"He walks over to the tarp and studies the taco entrails."
"Wow. He's the Gallagher of psychics."
"Yes, I know. I call it tacomancy."
"If we want to be exact, there are 372 angry ghosts following you around."
"There is one thing you can do that will make them leave you alone."
"Sleep with the fish."
"I'm sure that I know some hippies. What kind of hippie do you want?"
"This is really good tacos."
"There's a little piece of Sardis in all of us."
"No, there's a lot of Sardis in Eric."
"Yes, the rest is missing. And we don't want to find it."
"One day it's going to turn up in somebody's chili."
"I need as many hippies as I can get."
"Oh my God! Can we do a seance? Please?"
"We're not doing a quickie seance."
"It wasn't my fault...per se..."
"Did you kiss him, again?"
"Did you have sex with him, again?"
"What did you do that for?"
"Because you're a vampire!"
"Your dad owns the evil empire."
"What's a fascist?"
"What's a Nazi?"
"From a philosophical standpoint, as they say in France."
"It never really bothered me before I had fish trying to molest me."
"There were fingerprints all over my window. Where did they come from?"
"We should nip this in the butt."
"The butt? I'm sure Jake can help you with that."
[About Norma Rossi]
"Instead of making her turn into an evil fish, we can turn her into someone
who turns other people into evil fish. Is that any better?"
"All you people who are supposed to care about things are supposed to care about things."
"Look on the bright side, Joey, you're so ugly that at least you won't have problems with butt sex in jail."
"Where have you been?"
"In a graveyard."
"Maybe it's because he keeps demons in his cellphone."
"He didn't do that in college."
"But he was the kind of guy who would."
"Us English majors sure love our demon-possessed cellphones."
"Just don't firebomb the factory while there are people in it."
"What are you trying to do?"
"Get my dad arrested, but don't tell anyone."
"It actually kind of does suck that people are dying, now that I think of it."
"We can just pretend that the money for the house came from the ethical part of Dad's business."
"Have you ever watched A Christmas Carol?"
"Yes, but I don't think that's going to happen to my dad."
"Everyone else has to work. You're the only one who's a member of the *leisure* class."
"Please make Ryan's penis fall off."
"Wow. Angela *does* have garden gnomes in her bedroom."
"Stonebridgeport is the new Alex."
"Even you aren't freakish enough to get freaked out about Jake's mom liking her job."
"I have cancer that makes me yell?"
"I get off whenever my sadistic coaches tell me I get off."
"Ah, men's sports..."
"Oh, that's right. He wasn't there when Angela was drunk."
"Once you do abstinence, then you can do Joey."
"How do you have sex with abstinence?"
"Plus I care, you know. And stuff."
"You know what they say. Shit runs downhill."
"Or down my blade!"
"I was trapped in a horrible illusion until Jake saved me."
"Good for Jake."
"You want anonymous sex in the bathroom?"
"I have money. I have contacts. I have influence."
"And I have three dots in Brawl."
"Let's just flood all of Teffelsburg with holy water."
"Better warn Jack."
[booming voice] "Jack. Build an ark."
"And save two of every kind of demon so that Ally may study them."
[about Jonah] "If he starts showing up in a purple cape, I quit."
"If you had to find him to kill him later, could you do it?"
"What special occasion are you dressing up for?"
"I don't know, but your mom seemed really happy."
"Penis goes into the box. Joey comes out of the box."
"You have a van?"
"It's in case the whole baseball thing falls through."
"So you can kidnap little girls?"
"You got one and a half success levels?"
"Maybe that's why we haven't heard from Angel in a while."
"Maybe we should try burning herbs and playing cards and see what happens."
"Picking up hitchhikers is usually not a good idea."
"Especially not in other dimensions!"
"In true heroic fashion, I don't know what he wants to do, but I'm going to wreck it because I don't like him."
"Jake, did we just run over a demon?"
"You just parked your car in an alternate dimension and walked away from it. Do you really expect to get it back?"
"I'm going to spawn camp Alerion."
"He has all of his limbs."
"Yes, all eight of them."
"What? We're in the interdimensional highway?"
[three players in sing in unison]"We're on the highway to hell."
"You are so bad for yourself."
"How much did that cost you to do?"
"Nothing. Magic is free. That's why it's so great."
"Next time I need car repairs, I'm taking it to you."
"What would the difficulty be to cast a spell that teleports us into a different game?"
"I'm sorry. The cellphone made me do it."
"The sofa made you do it?"
[about Nokia] "That's like having Burger King in your phone when your fighting
"Do we have pieces of McDonalds in us?"
"Do I look like the kind of person who gets up on a Sunday morning?"
"Demon 411. Would that be 666?"
"I don't want to be the gas!"
"How's your tarantula doing?"
"Well...I feed him."
"I've gotten some good art out of [the tarantula]. I paint him up and huck him against a wall."
"Can you unsummon a demon dimension?"
"The ground tells me things."
"The ground hurts my feelings."
"Yes, that was some serious mojo you used against yourself."
"Chris, what time of the month is it for you?"
"Can I stake Jake to save the group?"
"There's a difference between taking away the brains and taking away the fence around the piranha."
"Show her your ancient redwood, Jake."
"Don't ever say that again."
"So you can have really healthy extra arms and legs..."
"What's wrong with you?"
"Maybe that's why you can drink the water, Angela."
"I haven't robbed a grave in such a long time..."
[Breaking into a historic tomb.]
"It looks like there's something behind here."
"Maybe a body?"
"Before you go defiling the graves of my ancestors, could you please explain
what you're looking for?"
"It's only one."
"We need a CEO to replace this guy."
"Ooh! I have a back-up one of those."
"Dracula. I've heard of him. He has a cereal."
"As in make a good impression by not introducing him to Jack?"
"As in make a good impression by not letting him see the stinking hole that leads to the sewers."
"I can't wait until I'm in my own room with my own doors."
"Who wants to, like, kill random vampires who are defenseless?"
"The countryside is not a gaming module."
"Repeat after me. Sardis is the best character ever."
"She needs a special kind of socks."
"It's called a cock sock."
"Jake's penis to the rescue?"
"Just don't tie a cape to it."
"Maybe it will get sucked into a plane engine."
"How do you know my father?"
"He was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil."
"We have to help the people of Stoneport. They're mostly..."
"Are you in the turning people into fish industry?"
"I give you a look back that says 'Fritzie, know your place.'"
"There's a Joey hot tub for the parties so he doesn't feel left out but he isn't included."
"Penis is not a combat manuever."
"Fritzie has her own verb."
"I think we should send Jake to interesting school."
"If you see anything fishy...Ah ha ha."
"I need a second hippie opinion."
"I'm trying to appear credible, guys."
"My kneepits are so sweaty."
"What is that thing?"
"A unicorn of death, striped for your pleasure."
"You're killing my steal!"
"So, you shake the hand of your drug dealer and walk away."
"Jake's reality kind of messed up my apartment."
"I just realized I put my penis as a drawback."
"Hee. I got knocked up by the statue."
"We eat a lot of caviar here."
"Ironic, that. It's like eating the children of your workers."
"Hop in the tomb and poke yourself."
"How many success levels would it be to make Angela bleed faster?"
"Hey, you're unconscious. You should make coffee."
"I made you bleed more so we could win."
"Yeah. Thank you. No wonder you don't have a boyfriend."
"...And crabby Angela learns to care."
"If you don't get your hands dirty, nothing will be done."
"So get your hands dirty and give me a hand job!"
Sarah: "Angela needs to call me."
"One of them kicked you in the junk, but you managed to endure the pain."
"Just keep saying, 'I don't need it anyway.'"
"Don't you just want to spend a Drama Point and get your nuts back?"
"You could have just given him Dr. Easy's No Kitty Potion."
"Like his usual interactions with women, it ended with Joey hurt and crying."
"Dude. She's a girl. Trade her the shoes for your freedom."
"I make a giant snow fetus and suck my thumb."
"Ha! I have no life, and I'm dragging all of you with lives down with me."
"They bat their eyes at you and say, 'You should stay here among the trees.'"
"'I can't. I have to run a roleplaying game.' What am I saying!?"
"What are you saying? You're going to have sex with a tree?"
"They have breasts."
"Jake's trying to bark up the wrong tree."
"More like the tree's trying to bark up him."
"I have to work in the morning. I can't spend all night making love to various wooden objects."
[about having sex with a tree woman] "For Jack, that would be like having sex with a gun."
"Maybe frostbite gets him off."
"The handbags are getting along great. Too bad they broke up with the belt."
"He doesn't feel like a penis. He feels like a Ken doll."
[Fritzie buys up her Attractiveness.]
"My boobs just grew overnight. It's like a second adolescence."
"Hey, Joey? Do you and Nokia ever...share files?"
"We have homosexual initiatives."
"A danger condom! Oh. I just said condom."
"The mental patients are revolting."
"They're also flammable."
"Snap, crackle, pop. Rice grapple."
"He's made out of scalpels!"
"What's the plan, here - swirlie or wheelchair?"
"I like you all better now. Except for Jake. I like him about the same."
"On the other hand, having those two argue in front of the guard would provide a distraction."
"This isn't about me and Jake. This is about you and Jake."
"I'm dressed impecably. Well, not overly impeccably. Just Fritzy-ish."
"Please hold. I need to talk to the GM."
"My relationship with my wife is none of my business."
"If there's one thing drinking has taught me, it's that swords go through Cherries."
"We can sic thugs with bats on the cancer patients."
"Do you need someone to draw?"
"I draw Chris all the time."
"Yes, but you've never drawn anyone attractive."
"Jake is pretty art. Joey is art art."
"Jake's strange. He's just so..."
"The fact that there's an IV bar at the luncheon..."
"I want the steak!"
"Is there a certain kind of radius where we should be looking for exploding head?"
"I send Jack an IM asking him 'If a vampire's head explodes, is it the same as decapitation, or does it regrow?'"
"Your wife just died at the bottom of some horrible ick chemical. It was kind of cool."
Season 4: Home Again
"Insert name here apartment store."
[about a vampire named Iris] "She's a looker."
"Hey Iris, there are some people here who want to see you. They say they're vigilantes."
"Would you go out of a club with a 14-year old vampire with bad taste in clothes?"
"This is a pretty beat up alley."
"Actually, she only took 18 damage."
"That's a great idea - overload the nuclear reactor."
"I'm using a Drama Point."
"You still have those?"
"I don't write songs about arson, so you have nothing to worry about."
"Ever since Angela left, the big stress thing in my life has gone away."
"So why are you so pissed off?"
"Fucking 18-year-old Mexicans."
"Someone turn you down?"
"How long have you been playing baseball?"
"Ever consider that maybe baseball isn't your thing?"
"What's incumbent mean?"
"Aren't you an English teacher?"
"Do you know how much a box of tampons costs?"
"In fact, I'm really pleased to say that I don't."
"Government Agents Gone Wild."
"My crazy is coming out on the streets, now."
"Are you a Sidhe?"
"Of course she's a she."
"I meant Sidhe with an i."
"You guys need to stop watching the pool."
"Especially since Joey is about to go to the showers."
"I think you've been hanging out at that martial arts school too much. You're starting to talk like an old movie."
"You know those Rossi brothers and the back door..."
"Now is the time to tell you how I feel about you, but you can't hear me, so ha ha ha ha ha."
"You're pretty trustworthy as skanks go."
"...And she stroked it."
"Which is weirder - Jake or the snot monster?"
"Do you like kittens?"
"Who *doesn't* like kittens?"
"Oh. I kind of killed all the sorority girls. But they were already dead, so it's okay."
"You haven't been borrowing your boyfriend's crackpipe, have you?"
"So, you met a guy in the woods who told you I was married to Jake?"
"So it was statuatory necrophilia."
"Out of character, I'd like to point out that an amulet is a little low on
the fuckability heirarchy."
"But still higher than Joey."
"My foot smells like demon poo."
"I didn't think Fyarl demons liked to poo on things."
"They don't. Jake likes to put his foot in things."
"I think you've reached a new low, and for Jake, that's pretty impressive."
"It was more apt to, like, Cheetos than to animal sacrifice."
"Next time I sleep with a dead person, I'm keeping her to myself."
"You don't have to be like Mom and Dad. You can talk about this."
"So, what does that mean?"
"If I take my shirt off, I fight better."
"You had sex with a zombie. Imagine the STDs."
"I'll have you know that Jake practices safe sex."
[much laughter ensues]
"Safe sex with incredibly dangerous women, but safe sex."
"I buy a very sharp filet knife."
"You're not invited to my shop opening."
"Crawl all over his steeple?"
"How do you see with the blindfold on?"
"Ancient Chinese secret."
"We've never gotten past the first save point."
"Artmental is the new art store / with art that's good and never bores. Grand
opening is April one, No April fool's - come on. It's fun!"
"Why don't you take those up to the music people?"
"I give Jake a high five."
"Jake, I'm going to use your poem and add a line to it: 'Are words not your medium?'"
"Why do you have a door in the basement?"
"It's for the vampire."
"I can't keep track of who we've told about that..."
"Maybe the other you, whose married to Jake, is trying to come out of the back of your head."
"I forgot Jay is a liability, too. I'm sorry, but he's going to have to die."
"I'm looking smug *and* guilty."
"Maybe you're getting mono."
"Maybe you're getting old."
"So the guy makes a scene because hey, he's on fire."
"Grape-flavored baseball peanuts."
"Because you do *not* insult the appearance of a woman who is pointing an assault rifle at you."
"Remember last year when we used to walk out of doors, and the outside was still there?"
"It saves his crotch from being ground zero."
"Oh man. You are the luckiest bastard...no, you're not."
"Jake and I are on the same side...I think."
"So obviously, my friends...are not on my side."
"I've stepped into a world of dumb, blonde idiots."
"Pot, kettle, BLACK!"
"This gun thing is kind of new. Was Tibet hard?"
"My God. I hope Jack didn't run into a mine."
"Your car is with you? Ally, maybe you should stop driving, because you keep driving into alternate dimensions."
"Is that the weird place where they made Fritzie marry Jake."
"Is it true that people who are bitten by a werewolf turn into one?"
"From what Lindsey told me, yes."
"About that stasis spell, Fritzie?"
"Where I come from, nobody pays for anything in kittens."
"You strap Emma to the roof with some bungee cords..."
"Yeah. We all get run over by a tank."
"You can't hear a goatee!"
"I just keep looking back and forth, back and forth."
"Two Chrises - the thoughts that I'm having..."
"I'll explain if we live through this."
"Basically, we're going to restore all the things the United States stood for - civil liberties, democracy, eating food..."
"I feel so guilty for something I didn't even do."
"I can't take off my clothes because it's technically magic."
"Don't stick that in an oyster!"
"That's what I was going to talk to Lindsey about."
"Are you expressing any preference on what team you want to join?"
"I just want to play football."
"But you're a baseball player."
"Did I say football? I meant baseball."
"Someday, a true demon will rise up and swallow the Yankees."
"You taunt her with your nipples?"
"Emma? I mean Fritzie?"
"You mean Lindsey."
"Maybe our house is trying to tell us it's a vegetarian."
"I stop off at the drug store on the way home and buy two do-it-yourself enema kits. Just in case."
"I offer you my meat."
"You're going to attempt to locate your meat?"
"This means Fritzie won't pop."
"Maybe we should vigil....ize."
"I mix traquilizers in a bowl."
"I write 'Joey's Bowl' on the side with a permanent marker."
"Can Iris do transmutation?"
"She can turn into a mist...and a bat...and a wolf..."
"But can she turn a chicken into a TV dinner? That's the important question."
"Are you saying that the spirit of Angela's stunt double is possessing our Watcher?"
"Everything I touch turns to wheat germ."
"Fritzie's hunting for herpes."
"Is she hot?"
"It's hard to tell in the dark."
"In the dark, they're all hot."
"If he rescued her, and she gave him a thank you blow job, would it spurt out cottage cheese?"
"I feel sorry for any woman giving birth, right now."
"Wah wah. Congratulations, you have a potato."
"Are you hurt?"
"I took 74 damage."
"I kind of give him a hug."
"Cottage cheese time."
"You can't buy off your penis flaw."
"Jake's car fell through a roof."
"How did that happen?"
"I don't know. They're calling it an act of God."
[in a booming voice] "Jake, I exist. You're in big fucking trouble, mister!"
"Well, I had sex and I didn't get eight hours of sleep, so I might as well break another taboo."
"Two fonts may be better than one."
"I remembered Emma last session. It's someone else's turn."
"Only one person needs to remember Emma at any given time for her to continue to exist."
"You're going to tie up a demon lawyer and make him give you legal advice?"
"You're not randomly sticking my hand in liquid nitrogen."
"Have you been cheating on her with another cellphone?"
"Let's have a moment of mourning for the assault rifle stuck to Fritzie's hand."
"Ally. I liked her. I taught her how to swear in my home tongue."
"And I think she taught me how to swear in mine."
[Spoken to four-foot-tall P'flug demons who get food by stalking snails for
days at a time.]
"I need to show you a trick with salt shakers. It'll revolutionize your entire civilization."
"They're snail-hunting, demonic Hobbits."
"This place looks like a dollar store exploded inside a double-wide trailer."
"Anything else you're bringing with you?"
"A snake in my waders. I mean a stake and my waders."
"I'm going to stake him in the heart so hard his head falls off."
"He stabs you in the..."
[chanting] "Go for the groin! Go for the groin!"
"That's one way to get rid of your penis flaw."
"Streets will run red with her blood. Yadda yadda."
"Okay, follow that puddle!"
"There was a puddle in your brain."
"Oh my gosh! You've been possessed by liquor!"
"New theory. She was attacked by the bottle and killed herself."
"Nasty hobbitses kicking your Precious."
"Justice can't wait for an enema, Jake."
"Just chopping the demon up isn't going to clear my name."
"I guess we'll need to torture it into confessing, first."
"Yes, but how would the demon deal with being sucked into a diaper?"
"They gave you hives? Where the hell did you touch them?"
"What the fuck are you doing?"
"Don't ask any more questions."
"We're attacking a big monster made of Jello."
"So we're just going to catch a demon in a bunch of diapers and leave him there?"
"Don't look at me for support. I've got a tube up my ass. I'm not a part of this conversation."
"That's not a goat. That's a kitten with horns."
"I have a singularity up my ass, aparently."
"So that's how we're going to catch the big bad - strap Jake's ass to the front of the car and use it for a vacuum cleaner."
"That would be a great idea - try to jump a powerful sorceress. 'Give me your
purse.'" (Force choke motion) "'I find your lack of customer service experience
on your resume disturbing.'"
"I am not Darth Vader."
"You weren't a penis at that point, were you?"
"No. That came later."
"They're going to the reservoir. We can't go there."
"Do you remember what the little head said when it came out of Jack's puke?"
(to the tune of "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing") "I'd like to teach the world to drink / and do just what I say."
"I think the back of my head is trying to get me to turn over to the Dark Side."
"It swallows the kitten whole and it mews in your head forever."
"The Telltale Kitten."
"Fritziespeak is a tone language."
"You hear your own voice through your cellphone, 'Hello, is this Alerion?'"
(immediately hangs up)
"You go to the reservoir, where dead things belong. You only have one dead
thing with you today, though."
"I just feel like this where I belong..."
"That would be a great name for a vampire dance club - The Reservoir."
"It's still a little too weird - kissing where eyes just were."
"I need to be the diaper gun."
"I spend a luck point to make them vomiting."
"He ate Buddha?"
"Two P'flug demons are grabbing Jake's legs."
"Your legs are being humped by Hobbits."
"You know, some Tolkein fangirls would kill to be in your position."
"Never violate anyone while I am holding them."
"Wookiees aren't demons."
"We can use Joey's blender. He doesn't mind having dangerous substances in his dishware."
"I call Jay."
"I definitely have to buy the lightning bolt deflecting spell so I have an excuse to be celibate."
"I didn't do it."
"As much as I'd like to have an all-day enema..."
"Joey, you know that episode of Saved by the Bell?"
"I think your being side-effected."
"Fritzie just went into full-on high school guidance councilor mode."
"Well, Ally isn't here, so somebody had to."
"He didn't have any demonic features."
"He *was* wearing a New York Yankees hat."
"When I took that pill, I got this real rush."
"Kind of like drugs?"
"Because all his internal organs also have Appearance minus 2. 'That's one fugly pancreas.'"
"Did you write a card or send him flowers?"
"I sent him flowers."
"With a card that said 'ha ha ha?'"
"Joltosensors to jolt your nervous system into place."
"Oh, I've kicked ass recently, haven't I?"
"It's like this thing that if someone else's crow has five stones, Joey's crow has to have six stones."
"Alerion in the Outfield."
"They're playing the Angels."
"How hot is Owen?"
"Wow, Fritzie. Trying to steal second with your foot on first."
"Your car exploded."
"It's alright. No one got hurt...not badly, at least."
"I told you you were doing cocaine, you shithead!"
"I think there's plenty of fault to go around."
"Yes, there sure is, you druggie."
"They were taking pictures of you, and that's why their car blew up."
"Why are you looking at me when you talk about that? I've never been inside
"I've *heard* of such things."
"You've *done* such things."
"I think it would be great if they had some vampire pellets. Then you could cut them apart and find out who they ate."
"Demons are only good for buggering."
"You have a demon inside you."
"Yes, but I don't talk to it. It's like the gay guy at the family reunion."
"I'm glad I don't play sports or practice martial arts. There's less buggery in my life because of it."
"Joey, you need an enema."
"Ah, male bonding."
"You should make up with Nokia. She could help you with this."
"That's like saying, 'Here's some crack. It'll help you kick your cocaine addiction.'"
"What was I doing when you found me?"
"Lines of cocaine."
"I should just annoy her until she comes out."
"That's a great idea - put her in a supercomputer and then piss her off."
"I think there's an internal penis inside you, now."
"When you puke, you puke alone."
"Paradise Lost, by Joey Rister's colon."
"I'm so upset I'm talking."
"You've been subpeonaed by a demon court. Again."
"I brought you a comic book."
"And I brought you this. It's a subpeona."
"So, it's Iris gets custody of him or the tough guys kill him? What are the
"Well, I wanted to bring a bomb..."
"I could build a bomb."
"Back on the bomb thing!"
"I could try my hand at torture."
"A girl blew up, and I got a part of her soul."
"I'm a little pooped."
"There's no rule against using magic in the Major League handbook."
"What do you mean, different? Is it like I've been split in half and have been doing television commercials without my knowledge."
"I don't think bunny tacos would work..."
"We have some kittens, if you want."
"We haven't jumped into an alternate dimension in like a week, now."
"Where did my soul go?"
"You killed it, Fritzie."
"It's in the reservoir."
"Your soul decided to leave because it thought it would be better off without you."
"Your soul isn't lost. Your soul divorced you."
"If I did something to really piss myself off, don't you think I'd know about it?"
"Your soul comes back. You break its legs and make sure they heal improperly. 'You're never running away from me again!'"
"We should attach a wheel to your ass. It would be like a source of perpetual energy."
"Making out with your brother doesn't count as sex, does it?"
"Be very careful. I might summon a demon to sodomize you."
"This Chi sounds really annoying."
"Maybe I should grow a goatee."
"So no one can tell you apart. Then you can wrestle each other and take off each other's shirts."
"There's another universe where we all have mullets and Joey is beautiful?"
"How can we use this to benefit justice?"
"Take off every zig."
"I never saw me. I only heard me."
"But other me said you looked different."
"It made me feel uncomfortable, and it made me want to be a guy."
"I have a question for you."
"Take me now."
"That's not a question."
"What is take me now?"
"If you stopped thinking of him as your ex-husband, you'd be better off."
"If there was a piece of Communist propaganda with your face on it, wouldn't you take it home with you?"
"You're invisible to drunks."
"I am assuming a false identity, though, so I can't tie my pants around my head anymore."
"I'm sorry. I'm just thinking about robot joints."
"Come with me if you want to...duuude..."
"I can't help it. I got evil."
"Just like you did earlier?"
"That's a great idea - make zombies and who go to Vegas and make money for me."
"Resistancetree.com - where resistances compete for your business."
Fritzie's excuse to the Communist soldiers for why she and Chris are climbing
a building under dead of night:
"I saw a wounded pigeon!"
"Heh. He drank bomb water."
"The guy in the bar sold you a bomb. I know this, because it's mine."
"I'm going to continue lounging while they chastise Joey."
"And now you're reaping the negative consequences of those actions."
"Which means it's all uphill from here!"
"They are maybe sexy in an 'I'm going to kill you' sort of way. Maybe that's
"I don't know. Is that hot?"
"I should be more minimalist in my speech."
"Emma is positively radiant."
"You got her pregnant with your Chi."
"And Hitler was like, 'No... Copyright!"
"... and then they shot him."
"You know, Chris is getting really turned on."
"He's not the only one."
"How did you get in my head?"
"Maybe I've always been in your head."
"Go there. Go to the haunted raft."
Incomprehensible without context, but trust me, it was funny:
"You're a...good soldier."
"I'm sorry if I leave half your head behind."
"As long as it isn't the half with you in it."
"You trigger a small nuclear explosion in the middle of a riot?"
"Anything else would be suspicious."
"What could be safer than Teffelsburg?"
"Have you *seen* the mushroom cloud?"
[to the tune of "Do You Know The Muffin Man?"]"Oh, have you seen the mushroom cloud? The mushroom cloud. The mushroom cloud."
"Two bottles of vodka roll into your orgy."
"Seeing other naked people might make it hotter."
"Or it might just make Jack hungry."
"They can join the woods crowd."
"Woods are for making out. Tent is for sex."
"Well, everyone else is."
"A few minutes later, Joey comes out looking rather pleased with himself."
"Don't you give me that raised eyebrow!"
"Are both Jakes getting it on?"
"Maybe our Jake could teach that Jake his special manuever."
"...Let's not ruin this world."
"Your body is a crackhouse in a bad part of town."
"No, Ally is not horny."
"Shoot! I'm coming, aren't I?"
"They're able to track the residue."
"Stupid pixie dust."
"Sometimes I feel like Jake is played by Sardis."
"Shoot! You're here!"
"Fritzie face plants on a bomb."
"She exchanges Chi with tongue. It's the English way."
"Do you think it would help if I stuck my hand down your pants?"
"Jake is unconscious and lying in the street."
"It's just like college!"
"It's my baloney sword."
"We're spare parts."
"I don't want it in my stomach. I want it in my mouth."
"One of you can drive a submarine, can't you?"
"I can draw a pretty picture of one..."
"Sabrina and the rest of us get wood."
"I try to find something that is somewhat moist and rub it."
"The nuclear reactor is making noises like it's going to explode if you don't
"Fritzie, could you get down here?"
"You don't want to die a virgin, do you?"
"He's not drinking. He's not talking. He's wearing a dish towel. Something's
"He's turned into a house elf."
"Do all Watchers get Mental Problems: Mild Cruelty?."
"A flying submarine assault - they'd never see it coming."
"We can tell him we used his poker chip as a condom."
"C'mon Fritzie. I want to show you something."
"You know what the best part of this is? The captain can turn off the intercom."
"Here's your condom back."
"The good news is there won't be any troops at the goulash."
"The question is would Fritzie Rossi notice if Fritzie Rossi was using magic?"
"You mean Fritzie Berg?"
"Somebody set us up the spice."
"Maybe Joey thought his cellphone wasn't perfumed enough and maybe that would bring Nokia back."
"You see quite an attractive wooded area..."
"I doubt that you are who you think you are!"
"It has all the stuff you'd expect in a laboratory."
"Do they have anything good for summoning?"
"Do they have anything good for explosives?"
"You two. It's like the new 'Do they have any gold?'"
"All our licorice gives you diarrhea."
"I give Ally a hug. 'I never want to be enemies!'"
"'Then just don't ever become an evil magic-user."
"What do you need me to do for you, Neil?"
"...Make me a taco."
"Jack gave it to evil Ally?"
"He saw something in her that wasn't there."
"She has a soul."
"Is it opening up an art store, too?"
"You're working on a bra?"
"I could have been a great martial artist up until last night."
"Now is not the time to funk. Funk when we get back."
"He's taught us a very valuable lesson, though - it is possible to annoy Jack into bravery."
"Evil Fritzie is upstream."
"Actually, she's probably downstream, now..."
Fritzie's justification for altering everyone's minds to get Chris away
"It's like you know your SUV could get over the pile of twigs at the end of the driveway, but why not just move them anyway."
"She was using all the Chris up."
"I can't say I know what Chris is thinking right now..."
"Burn the witch, burn the witch?"
"Phenomenal cosmic power! Itty bitty high school complex."
"If you would have stopped with the maiming your teammate, you would have been fine."
"They didn't sign you up with the majors because of your Slayer abilities. They did it because you swallowed a pill the size of Milwaukee."
"I want to sit on the bench. I want to be a cheerleader."
"When our survival hinges on Joey making a seduction check..."
"I suggest you stick with trying to cast a spell in an anti-magic area."
"I call blah blah blah so-and-so right away."
"I'm not running away from home. I'm moving to the art store."
"There's a mirror me?"
"Nice bed. Wanna try it out? Oh yeah."
"This is the part when I'm in my after-sex daze."
"The part where he can't remember her name and is wishing real hard that she would go away."
"Hey, it worked this time! The Master was right about this whole mind over matter thing. The illusory world obeys my will."
"I disbelieve Sabrina."
"Nobody's trying to kill you, Fritzie. Come back and eat the goddamn soup!"
A random girl and two demons appear in the dining room:
"I don't know who you are, but I'm glad to see you!"
"I've got a feeling I'm going to be tabooing myself again soon."
"Aw. Was Sabrina that bad?"
"You guys are amazing!"
"I like your shirt."
"If I get kill stealed by Fritzie pouring soup in the demon's boot, I'm going to be pissed off. Jake hits, inflicts 30 damage. Fritzie pours hot soup in its boot. Demon dies."
"I was going to compliment you on your cool magic trick until you started freaking out."
"I get it. It's like gangsters and hippies both use pot, but they dress differently."
"For the last time - sage and not rosemary if you want Marshall Fields!"
"What are dromarrs? Are they alive? Are they cute?"
"They're made out of bone. Usually human."
"How much is a finger worth? I'm just asking?"
"Are you recasting me?"
"Yes. You're now listed as a Special Guest."
"Don't take me out of the opening credits! I need the paycheck!"
"Downstairs people, what are you doing?"
"Rearranging the fuckability hierarchy."
"I haven't done anything horrible to anyone in a long, long time."
"You just double-buggered a demon and ripped him in half."
"That was a good deed!"
"Jake, I got two words for you - electric shock."
"I *so* thought you were going to say electric slide."
"Oh, I get it, so it's like decrypting it."
"No! I'm not raising it from the dead."
"I never said anything about raising data from the dead."
"But you said you were de-crypting it!"
"The technomancer and the dumb monk. Great."
"I think you just broke religion."
"I flush my cellphone down the toilet."
"If you want to come by the store, great, but hoo-hoo, art is popular today."
"Not turn ON dead. Turn UNdead."
[Long description of subplot involving tracking down possessed scabs until
demon contract is negotiated.]
"Definitely not sweeps week at the fairy pool."
"That's why you don't play with crazy glue and then pick your butt."
"Jacob Rossi, rogue demon proctologist."
"He does gnome enemas?"
Why Ally is refusing to lend out her car:
"It's new. It has no scratches on it. It's never been to another dimension."
"I'm not a dirty fighter."
"But you fight in a dirty way - right up the butt."
"Please don't masturbate the tentacle."
"Joey masturbates the tentacle. Two success levels to masturbate the tentacle."
"We made a demon puke. I'll be in my bunk."
"You're worse than a spirit horse. You're like a spirit elephant with a big
howadah on your back, and all the demons climb inside..."
"And make you try to conquer Rome."
"Are you Mr. Prezinka?"
"Why does my quest log say 'Kill union leaders - completed'?"
"So, Jake and Fritzie are unconscious. Joey has armed a bomb. Teresa is screaming like a girl. And Sabrina is at least 20 miles under the Earth's crust."
"Will you take her back?"
[video game voice]"Alerion has joined the party."
"I check my pajamas for traps."
"See? She was right here - in the bedrock."
"Yeah. You can even see the Sabrina-shaped hole."
"Really? You can see that? Google maps has really improved."
"Satelite photos usually don't go underground.
"Neil's in trouble! He's sending us a message!"
"So, this means that our meal's free, right?"
"I am NOT hitting on someone who doesn't exist."
"Does the food work, Beth?"
"You go out the front door, you come in the back door. Not that I'm usually
opposed to that."
"TMI, Jake. TMI."
"They don't have Calvin Klein Sorceress."
"I've never heard of that."
"That's because you're a boy."
"I'm a girl, and I've never heard of that."
"Quiet, you! Go study something else."
"Was Whisper that nice horny guy that we met?"
"So, you randomly turn into a 1920s mobster that kills people with a baseball
"Next time, you should ask him to autograph your bat."
"I'm glad you don't like to crowd your demons when you incarcerate them in TUPPERWARE."
"She smuggles drugs in her cat."
"I haven't learned to block bullets, yet."
"How do you practice that?"
"Iris brought you here?"
"I didn't know she did pot."
"Pot allows vampires to walk around in the daylight?"
"If I yell 'I am the great Cornholio!' and take a bite out of a hamburger, I will have violated all my taboos in one night."
"Salvation through anal sex."
"Sacrificing KKK members is better than sacrificing kittens."
"I'm not really cool with killing someone who looks like me."
"How about turning her into a beetle and swallowing her?"
"Jake borrows a pen from Fritzie and writes 'Don't have sex' on his arm."
"Okay, I won't."
"No, it's not me! It's just me."
"Don't panic, but I just stepped in a puddle of Alerion."
"I need you to bless some water so I can kill some demon slime, and then I need you to bless my boot because I stepped in it."
"Sometimes you do things in order to accomplish things...and become evil."
"Ally, Ally, Ally! It's you and me and Jake, and we're surrendering."
"I have *a* luck point. I already spent most of them getting out of Jake."
"Between the cripple and the mauled person, they should be able to carry the guy trapped in his own personal hell."
"What are the advantages of a crooked penis?"
"It lets you get those hard-to-reach places?"
"I have an assignment for you. I'm a teacher."
"That sounds like a line from a porno."
[Incomprehensible ranting about having to give a speech]
"This reminds me of your speech final."
"Are you going to call the cops on us?"
"If you've learned a lesson that growing pot means vampires in your basement, we can call it good."
"I say a little prayer for Jake's hot fairy women that they don't die in the morning."
Season 5: First We Take Manhattan
"Joey, you're finally in the opening credits!"
"With a bag over his head."
"I'm just checking the links. All of them."
"I'm watching this DVD to make sure there aren't any glitches in it."
"I don't mind taking work home with me."
"Are you telling anyone that you work for a porn company?"
"I'm having trouble with the vegetable girls - stupid airplane food."
"It's like cutting off the legs of the frog and throwing it back in the aquarium."
"I think Jake is acting pretty much normal, just more successfully."
"I miss the way Emma used to puke in my sink."
"The lesson here is that if you're teleporting into weird dimensions, you might pick up a lobster along the way."
"Why would the Slugger have any reason to fuck with Jake's text messaging?"
"Obviously, this person didn't care about their leg enough to take it with them."
"That depends on if they went to the diner after they were de-leg-itated."
"It's common knowledge that zombies are immune to poison."
"So are Nazis summoned from beyond."
"So, I guess you guys got really hungry last night."
"You really do your detective work, don't you?"
"You leave a lot of footprints."
"I'm not eating gruel to save the world. I'm eating it to get real ultimate power."
"You need frequent hell mileage."
"He could just swab his dick with syphilis cultures."
"Not only is he checking every porno link. He's checking every one twice to make sure they're naughty, not nice."
"There's a rumor that there are factions of zombies getting ready to do battle
with each other."
"Sounds like West Side Story."
[singing to the tune of "When You're a Jet"] "Brains brains brains brains / brains brains brains brains brains brains / brains brains brains brains brains / brains brains brains brains brains brains."
"They all moan in the same key."
"The P'flug now worship a religious figure known as the Bringer of Salt."
"Great. I'm a horrible Buddhist AND a horrible Messiah."
"He's prophesied to return some day..."
"And bring pepper."
"I'm glad the only nocturnal problems I have are emissions."
"Joey gave Nokia some money to play the stock market, and she won the stock market. She owns the military, now."
"Emma felt guilty about the ritual going bad, so she grew tentacles."
"There's a lesson in this."
"Yes. Hentai is bad to have in real life."
"Confession is good for the soul. Especially mine, since it occassionally breaks up with me."
"I don't have horns. Anymore."
"You had horns?"
"He stole a bag of Hershey's Kisses."
"Jake is a monk. Fritzie uses magic. Angela kicks butt. I'm the research weasel. What is it that you do, Joey?"
"We had to rescue him from pot vampires."
"If you have something to say, whisper it to someone else who cares."
"Who is Nokia, apart from a phone company?"
"Nokia is far more than a phone company."
"I haven't tried to end the world."
"That's very good. Baby steps."
"Zombies are old school. They aren't trendy."
"What would happen if you threw a taco at the wall?"
"What if YOU threw a taco?"
"No, if YOU threw a taco."
"If I threw a taco."
"What would happen if you took a bite out of your taco and then asked your question and then ate the rest of your taco? Would you like eat your own future?"
"Even the high spirits don't speak Fritzie."
"Kind of like High Melnab?"
"Yeah. Everyone knows what it sounds like, but no one understands it."
"It depends. Do you call a place home or do you call a person home?"
"Or does someone call YOU home? Kind of like Joey."
"Wow. Usually, she's more subtle about being a slut."
"As long as you're invisible, I can grope for you and 'accidentally' grope you."
"People are acting weird in sexy ways, I guess."
"You have fun with your friend."
"I hope not."
"Your friend Fritzie has been kidnapped by that teleporter for some lesbian
sex adventure thingy."
"Hold on. Let me put you on speaker phone."
"Lesson of the night: Sorcery makes you gay."
"You probably get her off pretty easily."
"What the hell are you two doing over there?"
"She just kidnapped me and tried to seduce me in Egypt."
"What the hell? All of a sudden there's a penis in my ass. How did that happen?"
"Well, this just isn't Jack's lucky day."
"Well, it could be."
"Our friend said it looked fairy-ish, and not just Jake."
"Ally and Jake start making out."
[Fritzie to Angela] "I always wanted to be the person beneath you in the cheerleading pyramid."
"I would just like to say that I was lying just to get you in bed."
"How many Experience Points to buy off Jake?"
"Fun with teleportation and the Dark Side."
"He gets employee discounts on lube."
"I was going to say his lube is tax deductable."
"Save your receipts."
"Can you imagine bringing that to your accountant?"
"You find a statue of a wolf. It's a proud-looking wolf."
"But it's ashamed on the inside."
"I want to have a Rossiway."
"It's the Rossiway or the highway."
"If it's the Rossiway, it's also the highway."
"The Hershey highway."
"I've never been so close to your ass."
"You obviously haven't spent much time around Rachel, then. I hadn't known her for more than a few minutes before she put her crotch on my face."
"Hey Joey, are you going to be a fluffer?"
"I go in the closet and paint my shirt."
"I'm drunk and I have cosmic powers to juggle."
"Phenomenal cosmic powers. Itty bitty liver."
"I don't think audiences shout 'burn,' but they should."
"Just because she doesn't know how to keep a guy doesn't mean she doesn't know how to keep a girl."
"You're your own worst enema."
"Do you know how guys say don't call her, it makes you seem unobtailable?"
"Do yourself. I mean, be yourself and do it."
"That's what I can spend my Experience Points on."
"Yes, I'd like Bunk Beds 4."
"If I hire you a butler, he's going to be a butler who sits around putting the smack down."
"Could you guys do me a favor and not tell Jake that you're cutting up his brother's ass to feed it to a demon?"
[about Slugger-possessed Joey] "Don't listen to him. He's an asshole. He's not a part of the negotiating process."
"It was the Slugger that popped out, and he wanted HIS Slugger to pop out."
"Jake's sword is loose in his scabbard."
"Chris! Your store is on fire! We've got to save the hedgehogs!"
"Your penis is now in micrometers. Actually, we can pole vault out on yours."
"Jack, could you pull me a staple?"
"I feel much better now."
"I need to get a mirror out."
"Because they'll see another kitten and attack it."
"Sounds like a drunken mission to me. Knock her out and throw her in the wagon."
"Why are you raining?"
"Can I reach my cellphone?"
"Yes, but you would just hit a button at random."
"Tarantula Care 101."
"So, You're About to Be Eaten by a Tarantula."
"Fritzie is walking toward the tarantula as she hums The Itsy Bitsy Spider while it tries to devour Joey."
"I jump on the tarantula's back and try skritching it behind the ears."
"I'm glad we're on Joey's clothes."
"And the cellphone says 'video done recording.'"
"We are so showing this at Christmas."
"How do you know so much about porn?"
"We could get a Barbie car."
"There's no way to propel them."
"Yes there is. Men."
"Guys, we're naked. Please don't flirt with Jake."
"I am a bush."
"You're a drunk bush."
"Do you feel like flying?"
"Sure. I've already done it once today."
"Pull her up by the phone cord."
"I don't want to come up vagina-first!"
"Press your knees together."
"I didn't mean to make it look like masturbating with a 10 foot dildo."
"Oh, Chris's marker!"
"You know why this is happening to you, don't you? Because Jake isn't around to scritch the scorpions behind the ears."
"So, Chris has just shifted into a tiny werewolf inside the scorpion's mouth."
"Chris, do you have any antivenin?"
"I whine and lick her."
"Would you let me do telekinetic CPR on myself?"
"I've got this really weird buzz, now."
"That's because you ate a scorpion."
[sings] "I see a Kleenex, and I want to paint it black."
"It's not Buffy-esque to die falling off a cash register."
"Jake, could you, like, tongue Joey back to life?"
"Mr. Miyagi himself could not tongue Joey back to life."
"Fine, I hope your penis inverts!"
"You don't want to here that from a witch."
"I was gonna say. My mouth isn't that big."
"I've got an idea. We need to make it really cold."
"Okay, Fritzie, you go for the air conditioner. I'm going to go for the python."
"This is going to be tough to explain to the Maytag repairman. 'How did your
fridge catch on fire?'"
"A very tiny witch."
"What the hell is a fire crab?"
"You'll find out next turn."
"Do you know why I have brought you here?"
"Are you with the SPCA?"
"If you abuse my followers again, it will be much worse."
"Next time, it will be a zoo."
"That's not what I expected my first encounter with a goddess to be like."
"What did you expect it to be like?"
"I shrug and pass out."
"It smells like Red Lobster, now."
"Oh my God, he's collecting phallic objects!"
"We're going to push this chopstick in slowly. If you start feeling a little dry, let us know."
"I am my own Super Soaker."
"Did they have boxers when the Slugger was...slugging?"
"Where do they kill cows in Tefflesburg?"
"You can read all the books you want, but buying more Occult is not going to teach you to ride a dragon."
"We need a place to tie you up."
"Meet us at a Best Western."
"You need to kiss him or blow him or something."
"I know that Chris is going to be naked and sleeping for a little while."
"Kick in the crotch. It's the gift for someone who has everything else."
"Strength sex helps to break grapples."
"Just because Jake is smart doesn't mean he's interested."
"This tommygun can be yours, if the price is right!"
"Joey gets that rare 'I have an idea' look in his eyes."
"Uh oh, guys. We'd better hide."
"Now that Jake kissed me, I'm perfect."
"Your brain is like a day spa. I should vacation there more often."
"I'm glad you enjoyed my brain."
"If a guy picks up on a vibe, it's usually a pretty big vibe."
"Why do we have to teleport? Why don't we just use a ladder?"
"Because the last time we did that, Joey fell down twice and knocked himself out."
"Actually, it was three times."
"How about if I sell my soul to the Girl Scouts? Can I poop out cookies?"
"Maybe you could tell her that we're big butterfly enthusiasts, and they decocooned
at the same time."
"I like big butterflies and I cannot lie."
"The zombie virgin."
"It's like American Pie meets Corpse Bride."
"Night of the living gigolos."
[while trying to pull Ally up onto the roof] "They've been feeding you well at the demon bar."
"I quietly apologize to the corpse I ordered shot."
"Why did you give Lindsey an orgasm?"
"I'm sorry, I can only hear you when you scream."
"Who was at the door?"
"The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints."
"Mormons came to your door?"
"Did you tell them we were already fighting demons?"
"I grapple the hydra's middle head."
"Skritch it behind the ears! Skritch it behind the ears!"
"Let's see if I can get it up..."
"I think I've had my sword in every demon's ass except one, so far."
"She got boned."
"How do you send software into the afterlife?"
"Feed it to Windows 95."
"You're like my own Cthulhu. You're slowly driving me mad because only I can understand you."
"Someone who is as horrible a speller as Jake is shouldn't be communicating only by writing."
"I don't know if he wants to resurrect Alerion. The band, not the demon."
"You hear that? I think Joey's date's going badly."
"Let's go help him!"
"Do you remember Lindsey and Chris going out?"
"Wait a minute. You will."
"Fritzie, I'm sure he only called you because he's the first person he thinks of when he thinks of mind control magic."
"You guys, you guys! My nipples are three inches long when they're erect!"
"When are you planning to have a chisel party?"
"Jack, we wanted to know something. Which of us tastes better?"
[A family of three shows up on the doorstep with plates full of cookies.]
"Where are the Slayer fragments? We wanted to thank them."
[whispers] "Get the holy water."
"Your mom makes a pot roast and mashed potatoes and carrots."
[sigh] "It's Mom. I'll violate taboos for her."
"So, you're standing in your shower, threatening your dick."
"I wear a pair of tighty whiteys as well as a pair of boxers just to make sure it's under control."
"I guess it's just not the same with Joey gone."
"Congratulations, you just said the first line of a slashfic."
"Great. Well, here's another one: 'Hey Jake, you want to come buy a bed?'"
"Oh my gosh! What did they do to you?"
"You're not pregnant, are you? I know that's not possible, but weirder things have happened, lately."
"The two of you are going to Mrs. Rossi's house. The other two of you are going to a car dealership and possibly Demonic Planned Parenthood."
"You poked me in my guilty place."
"Don't take this the wrong way, but I need you to take off your pants."
"Which way is the wrong way?"
"How much of a god do they think Jake is?"
"They're calling him the Saltbringer."
"Should I bring pepper?"
"When you're done, I need to check your Alerion levels."
"I can open an ice cream shop. It's the flavor of self-loathing."
"You want to know something weird? No, you really don't."
"Chris, did you take my Alerion?"
"Not all of it."
"I'm trying to look at the upside of having a tentacle for a penis."
"How did you get a D in history?"
"Because I did his homework."
"And he copied off my tests."
"How didn't you do better in history?"
"Oooh. Those were messy days."
"The tentacle is self-lubricating."
"No swimming in the holy water fountain as a douche."
"I just tied Jake up, spun him around in circles, and beat him, and now I feel much better."
"We're blaming Kentucky for this storm."
"I don't mean to be rude, but isn't Joey too ugly to be doing porn?"
"Did we go to high school with her?"
"I don't remember. Jake would know."
"From that angle, only Jake would know."
"So you're not a porn star?"
"Do you fluff?"
"I think it's a zombie train storm."
"The storm is undead?"
"No, but the train's packing zombies."
"How do you know?"
"I saw it. When Teresa and I exploded."
"Sacrifice a virgin over your computer or something."
"Sacrifice a n00b."
"Fritzie backed down pretty quickly when they said, 'We hate magic. Convert or die!'"
"The train has a giant penis sticking out of the front of it."
"It's the Jake train."
"Hey fairies? Remember that favor? We totally want Ally and Simon to do it. Make it be that way!"
[about Simon, to Ally] "Let him be your Riley."
"I will not fight them on the train. I will not let them eat my brain."
"How do zombies get from place to place? They take the traaaaaaaaaain."
"Our initiatives are all bunched up in defiance of Dispersion Theory."
"Why don't zombies lift weights? They don't like the straaaaaaaaaaain."
"No paaaaaaaaain, no gaaaaaaaaaaaaaain."
"Hmm. What would cheer Chris up? I take off my shirt and hang it up to dry."
"No electric enema! For sexual reasons only."
"Well, you could just swing the Edge of Twilight low."
"Swing low, sweet Edge of Twilight. Coming for to cut out my soul."
"If someone makes a deal with a demon, doesn't that mean he loves you?"
"How many bad guys are like 'Oo! I'm Insecure Man!'"
"Why has the necromancer come to Tefflesburg?"
"Yeah, I'm an authentic 14th Century necromancer."
"I'm keeping a dress bandanna and dress pants and a casual bandanna and casual pants."
"Jake's a religious figure, and it's funny."
"I have trouble remembering the success level chart, guys."
"You just have to remember 17 through 20, which is the magic number."
"And 21, which is the real magic number."
"Because then your success levels can drink."
[Jake makes 8 copies of himself.]
"Why did you do that?"
"Better question: Why did you do that now? We have to fit eight extra people in the car, now."
"Who votes we kill it?"
[Ally, Joey, and Sabrina raise their hands.]
"Who votes we capture, dampen, or shrink it?"
[Chris, Fritzie, and the Jake ninjas raise their hands.]
"We win. 10 to 3."
"Hey, only one vote for the ninjas."
"Do you think you could put hot pads on the thunderbird?"
"I think I may have done something incredibly stupid to Sauron's eye."
"You poked it."
"Zombies took over the house! What's going on?"
"Well...Zombies took over the house."
"I'm sure my inside is beautiful."
"I'm sure that's what your mother told you when she gutted you and exposed your spine."
"My gosh! We let loose a thunderzombie on the Amazon."
"He could do a minor illusion and do midget porn."
"That's not a minor illusion."
"You're right. A minor illusion would involve 17-year-olds."
"You sit in your shower."
"Watching your little tentacle do what it will."
"Flapping in the breeze."
"The breeze is from the peep hole Fritzie drilled in the wall."
"I'm just pondering tentacle sex."
"I need for you to be my friend."
"I can probably pull that off."
"Angela and Jedidiah Davis - who gets off on that kind of thing?"
"It's like getting laid by Mount Rushmore."
[about Henry Harter, the illusionist] "His ninjas are as fake as ours!"
"If we kill you now, we can't come back and beat you up later, if we need to."
"Ever consider becoming the drug lord of Teffelsburg, Henry?"
"Stupid zombies. Stop eating our books!"
"I guess since they want brains and books are full of knowledge, they're the next best thing."
"I wish I had steamy, sexy visions."
"Mine aren't like that."
"Maybe you should touch...nevermind."
[about the Patchwork King] "He's like a video game with all the cheats."
"Can't poop. Clown will eat me."
"You have a jock strap with 60 bullet holes in it?"
"Hey. You're not a chick!"
"I'm no longer aroused by what you type."
[about G'hanakh] "Gnocchi? It's a dumpling?"
"Maybe it's a sword that sucks you inside of it."
"Or maybe it's a really nasty dumpling."
"Are the sigils in G'hanakhian?"
"G'hanakh G'hanakh G'hanakhing on heaven's door."
"I don't have enough of an attention span to have a nervous breakdown."
"At least you're not making G'hanakh-G'hanakh jokes."
"I did. I was singing G'hanakhing on Heaven's Door earlier, but everyone ignored me."
"Yeah. We've learned to do that whenever you sing random songs during gaming."
"Is there any way we can just get this guy a hall pass?"
"You can't get him a hall pass. He'll eat it."
"To help us better understand who you are..."
"Can you eat this knife?"
"I don't do this because it's fun!"
"I do it for the chicks."
[after Lindsay dies] "Is there another train around that I can jump in front of?"
"Is Lindsay with you?"
"It's almost as if your own thoughts are being reflected back at you."
"It's a desolate landscape."
"Sorry Lindsay died. Have a card."
"Fed Ex my pink slip to the Watcher's Council."
"You're under the corn field."
"You'd fit in a Sabrina-shaped hole deep under the earth."
"Do you have anything on sale for experience?"
"Clearance on Sorcery. Everything must go!"
"Your lizard sounds gay."
"The other ones were green. Are these pink?"
"It's the green pride movement."
"Jake waves his sweaty chest around."
"You should see the female monks do this."
"Dammit. I forgot to have him take off his shirt before handcuffing him."
"My life hurts."
"The bastard took all my Occult!"
"Just so you know, we went to pick up Lindsay, and something bad happened."
"Fighter planes won against King Kong eventually, Sabrina!"
"So, you're Ally's soul?"
"I always imagined you a lot smaller, for some reason."
"I hate to say this, but maybe Simon was right."
"And somewhere somehow Simon feels better."
"The Universe owes him a dollar."
"Why am I holding Anthony's tongue?"
"There have always been two Allys - one that wanted to be with you, and one
that wanted to be with Simon."
"Ally had feelings for me?"
"Great. Spock and River had a baby, and it's sitting in a tree!"
"Do you have a baggie?"
"What happened to the elders?"
"Rocks fell, and everyone died."
"His face is covered in blood. He opens his mouth, and you see he has no tongue."
"I guess I'm not the only one who's had a shitty night."
"Oh, there's two Allys, again."
"Ally's body is currently populated by What's-his-face."
"A lobotomy would be really nice, but not very responsible, at the moment."
"Is there anything really important that anyone needs to say before the spell
"I love you guys."
"...As in, I have an octopus leg..."
"I've never had a girl end the world for me."
"During downtime, I'm going to create Greg, go to Australia, and torture him."
"He's getting hard underneath his robes."
"G'hanakh is going to spend his turn sucking."
"Telekinesis plus vacuum equals handy zombie receptacle."
"Hey! They can't take a turn yet. I'm in pose space, powering up."
"You can't gift Drama Points."
"I'm not gifting. I'm regifting."
"You spend a lot of time in things' mouths."
"They need your help, Fritzie."
"I love you."
"That's very cute. Get killing demons, bitch!"
"Did you say Simon slash?"
"Yeah, but who are you slashing him with?"
"Suck it, G'hanakh! Suck it!"
"I don't think I can fit it down my throat."
"Sometimes in relationships, you have to do the wrong thing in order to do the right thing."
"Let's see. What should I do - the greater good or Chris and Fritzie?"
"Three way! Three way!"
"I won't sacrifice myself for you! I won't sacrifice myself for you! Well, that lasted two rounds."
"None of my living spaces are clean anymore - neither my room or my body."
"We blame Angela for bringing the Edge of Twilight into this game."
"Let's mail it back to her and tell everyone she has it."
"If Simon goes down, that gives me enough for Righteous Fury."
"Ally often enjoys it when Simon goes down."
"I don't think I can fit it down my throat!"
"What do you want me to say? Die, leave, go away?"
[Fritzie, to dying!Chris] "Go find Lindsay. Make happy ghost werewolf babies together."
"I can't sit down!"
"She's got hemorrhoids."
"I gave you this moment. I can take it away!"
"If she has an injured person fetish, that's the best thing that could ever
happen to Joey."
"She thinks my spinal cord is sexy."
"But I can't fit it down my throat!"
"They're able to reattach Anthony's tongue, but he's always going to have a
"He's gay now. After what Nat did to him, that's not surprising."
"How do you prank a demon in a cellphone?"
"Crank call her?"
"I'm through with doing what Chris would want."
"I know what I should have said when you were dying."
"Well, you could yell it at his grave. We're in the neighborhood."
"What was that?"
"You're the only one who ever understood me."
"What is your name?"
"You can call me Tran. Doctor Tran."
"What are you a doctor of?"
"I have a PhD in kicking ass."
Season 6: Those Final Feet
"...And that was my story about incest."
"If I did my cousin, they'd die."
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
"I just lost a bet."
"Simon, why couldn't you have wanted porn?!?"
"You really shouldn't say 'so hard' like that. It's so slashable."
"Maybe if you punch him really hard in the stomach, he'll puke up Mr. Miyagi."
"Who are you here to fight, Tran?"
"The Nemesis - the Destroyer of Jake."
"You mean himself?"
"Does being a monk give you a license to be annoying."
"When did he become a Magic 8 Ball?"
"Do want me to shake you and ask you later?"
"Is that a threat or an offer?"
"Like a polaroid picture I really don't like."
"When was the last time you tried to get information from a drunk, distraught snot demon?"
"It's Big Bird's goth twin."
"What are you implying, here?"
"'It's okay. I'm a doctor.' And I give her Chi."
"Who would be least likely to think me crazy?"
"No, I don't hate myself that much."
"What food says 'Chris?' Ground beef."
"Does the Tiger wrestle with the Snake often?"
"There is more physical contact than is strictly necessary."
"The Locust. The Locust seeks to spread."
"No peeing in Iraq. It's against the law."
"I can't wait to have a real fight."
"Did you say you can't wait to have a foot?"
"Oh, I thought maybe that's why you hover around everywhere."
"Yeah. Doctor Tran is lame."
"In more ways than one."
"What happens in the river stays in the river."
"I am here to train the Snake."
"After training the Snake and achieving enlightenment, then we have to do laundry."
"I think I shall call you the Magpie."
"Because you fly around, steal shiny things, and make them disappear."
"Okay, but don't tell the others."
"You know, that has a lot of Yellow 5 in it."
"Yellow 5? Is that the name of a gang of ninjas?"
"The Tiger's home."
"Don't call me that."
"I learned something really useful. I don't think it works on you."
"My to-do list is 'get upset with Jack and Simon.'"
"I'll be with you in spirit."
"Maybe I will not be with you in spirit."
"I'll be with you in spirit - bored."
"A flying monk in a skirt is nobody's friend."
"Fishsticks for Jack. That sounds like a really bad kids book."
"What should our story be?"
"How about 'We don't know. We just got shot with arrows?'"
"Hello. My name is Doctor Tran. You killed some guy. Prepare to die."
"Hey Ally, do you want to have a nine-some with me?"
"Wow, I have to bite people more often."
"And then he checks out of his hotel...[hits self in head with Buffy book]
HOSPITAL room. I really need to stop doing that."
"Maybe hitting yourself in the head wouldn't help with that problem."
"How do you know? It could work..."
"More beatings for the GM!"
"What can I do to make it up to you?"
"Give me some time."
"I'll let you know."
"I'm glad I could be your after-school special."
"There's a lot of those in this group."
"What kind of violence is the good kind of violence?"
"The kind that ends in orgasm."
[sings] "Burninating my dead boyfriend..."
"You know the Titanic? How when it went down it made like a big suction and sucked all the survivors down with it? I'm afraid that's what happened to Chris. And there's no door for him to freeze on."
"Pour Code Red on my grave so I can rest in peace."
"You love Simon, right?"
"You'd kill for him, right?"
"And you'd die for him, right?"
"I already tried."
"Her parents are rich and foppish?"
"Well, look how she turned out!"
"The police don't go around aresting you just because you're a person."
"Unless you're a black person."
"That's what he gets for having Fritzie for a girlfriend."
"No, that would be hell on Earth."
(After Fritzie reveals to Mrs. Rossi that Chris is in hell)
"Jake took Chris's place. There was a mix-up in the paperwork. Jake is in Wolf Heaven, right now, very confused."
"I'm sorry. I just broke your Mom."
"Whatever. We're dead. We don't care."
"Actually, there was a motorcycle gang. They died."
"You gave the car to Mrs. Rossi for good?"
(vaguely affirmative mumbling)
"At least it wasn't for evil."
"That's why I'm calling Tranny, now."
(sings) "My Tranny. My Tranny. Wherever I go, he goes!"
"It's almost Zen..."
"When a man hits on you?"
"His door swings both ways. He likes girls and revenge."
"I am willing to learn. I just don't want to be made to look like a fool."
"I have no intention of making a fool."
"That's why I'm training you. So you don't do that anymore."
"Tries to protect you. Steals you XP."
"I don't know."
"Jake never talked, but you always do. Why is that?"
"Jake never reached the level of enlightenment where we let him talk."
"The Tran where Teresa was disappears."
"You're in Tran-sit."
"There's Yuk Foo, the Chinese restaurant."
"Man, I wish I had the Slugger, right now."
"Don't say that."
"I undo my computer and throw it to the floor."
"Joey cries. Real tears."
"This is my computer."
"Given unto thee."
"Do this in rememberence of me."
"I have some balls in my wine."
"They don't let you have the internet in Hell. That's why it's Hell."
"I won't be here."
"Where are you going?"
"Fritzie, Indiana isn't that far away."
"It's kind of a semi that's grown car barnacles. We kind of spooked it."
"How did you spook a semi?"
"We were sneaking up on it, and it woke up and chased after Joey."
"Is the semi sentient?"
"It's Optimus Prime! He's the big bad!"
"Let's hope it doesn't transform into something with a gun."
(singing) "Transformers, demons in disguise."
(Fritzie gives Tran a folded up note. The outside says,"You will know when the time is right to open this." He unfolds it one step, and the next part says, "No. Not yet." Tran folds the note back closed.)
"Little Locust, it's time to train."
"I just went to bed five hours ago."
"Then you'll sleep even better tomorrow night."
"What about tonight?"
"We'll see how things go today."
"Tran eventually breaks down and puts some sugar on Simon's gruel."
"Since you're going to die today, would you like to come with me to help summon the Corvharis?"
"Nokia owes Joey. He's her first."
"You took away the book I was using. I'm doing the work of the Lord, now."
"I'm sending my friend to Hell and summoning the Angel of Death. Can I use your bell?"
"I'm fucking this owl. I just need you to hold the head."
"So Ally's going to have a quick fuck 'n pluck."
"Look, Ally, we picked up a yard gnome. Two of them."
"I'm sitting there watching them, eating a popsicle.
"If Chris was here, she'd give it to Chris."
"If Chris was here, she wouldn't be doing this."
"Our relationship is new. It's on shaky ground."
"And that's why you're learning 50 ways to pleasure your man?"
"We're going to do a little running."
"He's already doing that."
"Are you going to clean that?"
"I'm not going to clean that."
"Ally can clean that."
"I write a note on the bulletin board: 'Your turn to clean the bathroom.'"
"It's happened, hasn't it?"
"What? The bathroom?"
"Ally, do you have a few bucks?"
"People in New York know Joey."
"Yeah. They know him as the guy who washed out after two days."
(in singsong voice) "I'm going to enjoy the kata, while you go chase the plot."
"I don't know exactly when I stopped sensing Marie."
"Maybe you should summon the Corvharis and ask it."
"So, they're gonna get some."
"Mine is Catholic. It doesn't want some."
"I'm a cosmetologist. What do you do?"
"I rearrange faces."
"So, are you a plastic surgeon?"
"I'm a doctor."
"Couldn't you just lop something off and let it grow back?"
"There are a lot of demons who like women who understand demons but look
like hot chicks. It's kind of a fetish in the demon world."
"Kind of the opposite of the Japanese."
(about the protective runes drawn on Fritzie) "It's an old witch's joke. All the runes say 'penis.'"
"Tell me some more about this semi."
"It turns me on."
"How did it go?"
"It went well."
"We continued the same kata."
"What did Jake say about Emma?"
"Deposit that one in the Spank Bank."
"Do we have any friends that are girls?"
"There's always Cathy poop."
(Jack looks freaked out by what the love divination tells him)
"What happened? Was it a gay bar?"
"No. I don't want to have another one of those experiences."
"It's always hard when your parent's have one plan for you and you're
on the other side..."
"And your souls are entwined..."
"There was an all-male monastary and an all-female ninja school."
"Did you ever have dances together?"
"What does a ninja wear to the prom?"
"It's always difficult to tell."
"He loved the poop and the rape and the tying young boys down."
"Watch her go all misty and get in anyway."
"At least that way, no windows would get broken."
"Zombies like to hump glass."
"Getting vamped could be the best thing that could happen to Simon."
"The vampires look very pleased with themselves."
"And they ejaculate on your body like a muffin."
"Joey, summon us a barracks and some firebats."
"This is what happens when you let your opponents get more bases than
"All their base must belong to us."
"Shit, there's a fuck of them."
"We just spent 10 minutes playing video games when we were supposed to
be saving people."
"That was fun. Just saying..."
"A clunk of Slayers - a group of Slayers."
"I think our plan has been to ignore the bird. That's what I've been getting, anyway."
"Yes, it's cold."
"How about a hot dicking?"
"A porn of Kung Fu."
"Now I'm thinking of a cross between a Kung Fu movie and a porno, and that's just wrong."
"Your Kung Fu is weak. Let me stiffen it for you."
"Never say 'stiffen it' in reference to Joey or Tran again."
"You're cleaning this up. You have a ninja maid army."
"Hopefully she'll still be on a lot of drugs when we get there."
"I'm sorry I burned your exorcism victim."
"She wasn't a victim of the exorcism, Tran."
"From the perspective of the demon, she was."
"If I teleport things in, it doesn't cost me any money."
"It's the mind finger discount."
"I'm going to take on the powers of one of the X-Men. I summon..."
"The angst of Rogue...D'oh!"
"Hey Ally. What do you want to do? All the boys are gone."
"How about sit in the hot tub?"
"A bunch of girls come up and start rubbing up against you."
"Ooh, your ear is so...torn."
"We're going to spend two hours on the Corvaris clock watching Goonies."
"I take him in my arms and tell him it's okay and that I love him."
"And then stake him in the heart."
"Don't drink homemade water."
"Do you have a visa, Tranny?"
"I find a notecard and write 'Visa' on it. I spell it V-E-E-S-A."
"Ally concentrates on keeping her eyes on Joey's face."
"It's pretty bad when women want to look at your face."
"On the Internet, I found a spell called 'Midas's Marshmallow Touch.'"
"I put the key on the keyring of random buildings I've been given access to since I joined this group."
"Who said stealth was any part of this? Ramming speed!"
"Time to learn your new form - Little Locust Drives a Boat."
"Since when does Tran have a tail?"
"Since I pulled it out of his pocket."
"He looks at Simon and says, 'I know you, as well.'"
"Simon! Someone KNOWS you!"
[to Tran] "You seem like something a little kid made up."
"Do you intend to do something with your degree?"
"I might be overqualified."
"So, you burn up in the sun, now. I see you've mastered the blanket technique."
"It's time for the student to teach the master."
"The white side will be representations of us, and the pawns will be people we know that are pawns."
"All the pawns are Simon."
"Some were made by unsavory means. Some were made by more savory means."
"Some were made with oregano and pepper."
"I almost got eaten by a giant frog. It ate my shoe. Those were my favorite shoes."
"Only one powerful artifact per centerpiece, please."
"So, the fairies can watch us anywhere at anytime?"
"Like those extra long showers, Simon."
"I take Simon's hand and whisper, 'Where's my security?'"
"Must resist urge to set faeries on fire."
"Must resist urge to Whirling Sword."
"You guys, stay away from my faeries. My faeries are giving me clothes."
"You know it's a bad situation when a faerie says it's surreal."
"Why aren't we getting any royalties for all this?"
"Who cares? They'd just pay us in froufrou and money that turns into leaves."
"I don't care if we get paid in froufrou and leaves. I want a cut of this!"
"When you said they watch us 'all the time,' I thought you meant 'all the time with tasteful fades to black.'"
"That's why they always have to mop the scrying room."
"Rent a Tran for an hour. He'll do whatever you ask him to."
"If you pop your Tran, the deal is off."
"If you pop your Tran or drive him to commit suicide, the deal is off. No refunds."
"Eight little Trannies jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Pop!"
"The last time we used handcuffs, horrible things happened."
"What, he couldn't get it up?"
"Simon stays behind."
"He's masturbating to your portfolio."
[in reference to Simon's penis] "I call him the Executioner."
"Did you just make a sabertooth vampire?"
"Maybe if we're lucky, her mouth was shut at the time, and now her mouth is stuck shut."
"I'm like a chandelier that wiggles."
"Ally is quite attractive naked."
"What about Simon? What do you think about him?"
"Simon is very close to our hearts."
"As any good mascot should be."
"Simon's fanboys are going to be quoting that forever, because that's all they've got."
"Sometimes I think faeries scrying on me is cute, and other times, it's weird."
"You just gotta remember. They're going to do it no matter what."
"Kind of like Simon and Ally."
"Does it make the Snake uncomfortable when I speak of nakedness?"
"If you want to spend eight hours furiously masturbating for great justice to save someone's life, I'll let you."
"We do NOT need a video recording of Joey masturbating for eight hours."
"It'd be like the opposite of that guy beating Mario 3 in eight minutes."
"They'd have to have the Halo 2 music in the background."
"What rhymes with Simon?"
"I'd like to help him if I could, but all I have is this piece of wood."
"Wow. Ally has wood for Joey."
"I'm feeling a little weak, and it's hard for me to speak."
"I think a nice faerie cataclysm would be the perfect ending to this day."
"Doctor Tran. Doctor Tran."
"Please come to the operating room."
"I bampf in the Bribery basket."
"You bitch, that's mine!"
"Not anymore it isn't. Magpie'd! Ow, my treasure!"
"There are two deep tire tracks in the front yard."
"Look! Two very large snakes must have come this way."
"Tran. Those are tire tracks."
"Oh good. I'm glad there are no snakes in the house."
"I want these motherfucking snakes out of this motherfucking house!"
"We are not going to fight the Big Bad until you touch Leonardo."
"This is what it means to be one of the good guys - to perpetually have an Asian guy's tongue in your ear."
"Oops! I just pissed in your magic."
"Tran, where are you going?"
"I have a sudden urge to urinate."
"You cannot fight without your diploma."
"There is a new initiate named Tran, but he is only five years old and is not a doctor."
"If Jake did something, it's not monk-y."
"Find anything out?"
"Well, Jake's not in his coffin."
"Are you coming back?"
"I actually have a date with Kirsten in 40 minutes."
"Well, have fun on your DATE."
"What's your favorite animal?"
"A crane is the least likely to eat me."
"Don't be so sure."
"That sounded so slashable."
"Advanced monasterying theory."
"Do you have any Jake in you? Do you want to?"
"Lucky you, Jack. It looks like you're the poster boy for self-loathing, this year."
"Great. Another reason to hate myself."
"Okay, Jack, you have to carry Chewbacca with you everywhere you go."
"Wow, this is great. This is the first nightclub we've gone to in a long time where they didn't pat us down for weapons or talk about cocaine or warn us about marakak."
"That's because they don't know us, yet.'
"I wish Jane was alive again."
"Oh great. Monkey paw, monkey paw, monkey paw."
"Joey would be a great teacher."
"He teaches his students what not to do."
"Bejeweled is a tough game for me, because I can't just make the jewels be where I want them to be."
"Grandma, watch out for your cornhole."
"What kind of person would put corn in a hole? Oh my!"
"I go back to the nursing home."
"Careful, Ally. Simon's going to get jealous."
"Just take me to the golf store. We can get you some clothes."
"I could use some clothes."
"Yeah, Joey doesn't have the best tastes in clothes."
"At least I'll fit in at the golf store."
"What did it do? Did it try to smite you?"
"Did Kirsten dump you?"
"No. I'm working on that."
[everyone else in unison] "What? Trying to get her to dump you?"
"Do they make flesh-colored shoe polish?"
"Want some Yuk Fu? Over the course of college, I developed an immunity to food poisoning."
"Maybe a bug was more inconspicuous?"
"Those bugs are NOT inconspicuous."
"Why does there have to be fire involved?"
"Is there any way you can defrost my bed?"
"Well, I'm pretty good at setting things on fire..."
"Anyone have a credit card I card I can borrow? I maxed mine out in Switzerland."
"Time to play Self-Loathing Hot or Cold."
"We need a wooden dildo."
"Why does our house smell like the inside of a dryer?"
"Because Joey was doing magic."
"I love it when our definition of 'neutral' is 'it feeds on despair, but at least it doesn't kill anyone.'"
"Here, taboos. I'll treat you like a demon."
"So we have a short bus bug."
"May I ask why you were guarding an extremely powerful dark artifact?"
"The Little Mermaid is not a documentary."
"Having a Death Star means never being wrong."
"Joey's phone got eaten out."
"With Drama Points, I can be a breeder."
[Teresa to Ally, while Simon is throwing evil statues out a window] "By the way, Simon's really pissed at you."
"I found it in the rejected fruit section. Here's fruit you've never even heard of before! Buy it, and find out why."
"It's not canibalism, because it's dead."
"I am sick of these motherfucking Slayer fragments on my motherfucking plane!"
"I need three ounces of Joey's blood."
"Jeez. Now I'm spell components."
"What happened to Jack?"
"He's, um, batting for the other team, now."
"He's gay? I knew it."
"He's just got more Alerion in him."
"Did that make him gay?"
"I get magic healing sex."
"Slayer victory preserves."
"And we're going to spread it on our toast."
"Which seems odd because it has scrap metal in it."
"But it would also have pixie dust in it, so we might not care if it had scrap metal in it."
"You got to see a clip show of your life?"
"Man, I'm glad we didn't see that episode."
"It did give us cool codenames to fool the Initiative with."
"Buddhism didn't do that. Tran did."
"Lindsay's dead. We let her get hit by a train. It was all Joey's fault."
"The tentacles are coming out of a cloud?"
"No, that's supposed to be a picture of a chasm with tentacles coming out of it."
"It's the Flying Spaghetti Monster!"
"Sweet! Picture windows are rockin'!"
"He tries to jump the chasm."
"Is that like jumping the shark?"
"Please don't talk about jumping the shark in my game. It hurts my feelings."
"Guys, you realize we're going to make a Hellmouth, don't you?"
"We should make the hole to Alerion's dimension in Yuk Fu. That way, no one will care."
"No one will notice."
"The lingering smell of fried food and salmonella still hangs in the air."
"It looks like he's projecting."
"What else is new?"
"I pick him up and put him in a booth."
"No compromising positions. If I wake up with my dick in my mouth, I'm going to be very upset."
"We put Jake's hand in warm water and balance soy sauce packets on him.
"I'm not against getting Angela. I just want to put her in the crevice."
"She writes your name in fiery letters using the Edge."
"Cool! Show me how to do it."
"This is not the purpose for which the Edge should be used."
"But you just did it!"
"That's because I needed you to show you the first step."
"What? Writing my name in fiery letters?"
"That's it. You're fired from saving the world."
"The doctor who was formerly known as Tran."
"I hate to say it, but I'm calling myself Shinobi."
"I think he's trying to tell us something. What is it, Jake? Little Timmy fall down the crevice?"
"We don't need to clean this up. It's the Apocalypse."
"It's not like you can wash your werewolf. As soon as they transform into wolves, it's like they roll around in something dead in the process."
"Chris was a real servant of the people. He's in the worker's paradise, now. Hallelujah!"
[singing]"Been spending most of life livin' in a worker's paradise."
"We're going to Alerion's dimension. We want you to come to Tefflesburg."
"We're fucking this dog. We just need you to hold the head."
"Yeah. That's a great thing to say to a werewolf."
"I brought you salt before. I bring you MSG, this time. It'll kill you in more ways than one."
[about Felipe] "Didn't Fritzie blow him up?"
"You got a Tijuana resurrection, Joey."
"If Joey doesn't keep me safe, he rots. Once I'm safe, he dies."
"Good, then I hope you stay in danger for as long as possible."
"My messengers have been having trouble getting past the tentacles."
"Told you should have gotten a cellphone."
"The fairy army is yelling various battle cries."
"For the slash!"
"If you had a tequila body shot resurrection, that means someone sucked a shot of tequila out of your belly button, Joey."
"...And he said, 'Through technology, I will whoop this beaver.'"
"How would you like it if someone from another dimension showed up and said, 'There's someone trying to take over a dimension you've never even heard of. Do you want to help save it?'"
"Do I get any experience?"
"Maybe Angela's the pit, and we have to bury her in the crevice so she'll become a tree."
"So you're basically doing Home Alone: the War Version."
"Fritzieberg is probably a scary place in Technicolor."
"I love how we're all fighting the alternate Jacks for his soul and ignoring the tentacles completely. Alerion's all like, 'Hello. True Demon over here! I'm your nemesis, remember?' And we're like, 'Whatever. You're not important.'"
"I feel my back to make sure my kidneys aren't missing."
"I've never been used for my body before."
"What about Jake in the first session?"
"Okay, I've only been used for my body once."
"I know that Joey's not dead but he was, and I know that Jake's not dead but he wasn't."
"Be a good boy and set it down."
"But I can't fit it down my throat!"
"Your dead brother sent you a message from Heaven: 'Asshole.'""You realize that if you try to go out that way you'll have to contend with the Army and the National Guard and stuff."
"The non-evil, living contingent is here, plus Joey."
"Just like high school."
"I think your dignity dropped down over there along with your finger."
"We grill someone who seems knowledgeable."
"And who seems tasty."
"That's what you could do with the Edge - cut all the suck out of the Star
"There'd be nothing left. Episode 1 would be 2 minutes long."
"I'm trying to make OnStar for Alerion."
"It's easy. You give us the bomb, and we'll set him it up."
"Where is half of my foot?"
"I think it would be awesome to take a shit in Alerion."
"Oh my gosh! We're having a group shit in Alerion."
"Is everyone really taking a poo in Alerion?"
"Hey, I have't taken a poo in three weeks."
"I never realized the depth of your sphincter."
"I am my own ball of light. Follow me."
"I make Jack come with me."
"Over and over and..."
"I've given up telling people what to feel."
"I'm glad to know you've stopped doing that, Fritzie."
"Dionysus is for the weekends. You need a different god to carry you through the rest of the week."
"I'm so resisting the urge to say 'Your mom.'"
"That's not a person..."
"Is it a sperm?"
"A sperm with a hemi?"
"Well, the penis had an exhaust pipe."
"I'll Care Bear fuck you up!"
"I teleport Jake in, slap him, and say, 'Stop doing that!'"
The Characters and Players:
Fritzie Berg, the owner of the Art-Mental art store and a powerful witch. Currently battling an addiction to magic that led her to mind control the rest of the group briefly, causing a significant amount of mistrust towards her. Was dating Chris before he died. Played by Rachel.
Ally Preator, a high school English teacher who moonlights as a demon bartender, summoner, and occult investigator. Has a strong drive to get what she wants, which occasionally puts her at odds with her friends. Currently dating Simon the formerly immortal demon hunter. Played by Nikki.
Joey Rister, the nerdy, ugly former star first baseman for the Teffelsburg Tigers. Currently working in the porn industry after being kicked off the team in drug and demon-possession-related disgrace. Does technomagic with the help of his demon-possessed cell phone. Dating Kirsten. Played by Eric O.
Jake Rossi, Chris's perfect older brother, who delighted in hitting on girls and buggering demons with swords before he decided to work towards true enlightenment as a martial artist and monk. This process did not always go smoothly. Faked his own death to pose as Dr. Tran. Played by Eric Z.
Teresa, the trusty assistant manager of Art-Mental and a sorceress specializing in teleportation. She's mostly a fun-loving girl who will do anything to make sure her friends are having a good time, although this sometimes gets her into trouble. Is apparently an enemy of Alerion for some reason. Played by Iain.
Angela Davis, a stuck-up, snarky rich girl whose only concerns were staying pretty and thin. However, she eventually developed a conscience, brought down her father's evil corporation, and relocated to Tibet with her CEO significant other, Jonah. Played by Sarah.
Chris Rossi, a half-werewolf and latent psychic who managed Jopper's Jungle, an exotic pet store. Had a close relationship with both the Slayer and Alerion, and learned to channel their power. Loved both Fritzie and Lindsay. Sacrificed himself to save the world. Played by Iain.
Dr. Tran, a Tibetan monk who came to Teffelsburg to avenge Jake's death at the hands of Alerion. Had a backstory that was full of holes and acted with borderline sadism to some of the Slayer fragments. Vanished from existence when it was revealed that he had been Jake all along. Played by Eric Z.