Best Of Prodigal Sorcerers (Mage) Quotes


Kenley: I’m in need of some gametes.

Saxon: [long pause] What?

Kenley: I need wolf sperm.


Jennifer: Why are you hell-bent on boinking the priest?


[After Saxon pokes Carlotta with a tree branch and she disintegrates it…]

Mike: Now she looks really pissed off.

Iain: Okay, I get a bigger branch.


Jennifer: Well, that’s like saying “take your paradigm and take a nice big fat shit on it.”


Rachel: I have a very high Perception.  Maybe I should’ve rolled it while I was having sex.


Gabriel: Are you pregnant?

Maria: No…

Gabriel: Would you like to be?


Nikki: How ‘bout if I break its legs?  Can I break its legs?

Andy: And you’re supposed to be a PRIEST!


Rachel: Tonight, I learned that there is more that I know than what I think I know, or that I know I know…you know?


Ripple: Can I talk to you?

Wan: Of course, what do you want?

Ripple: Do you know who I am?

Wan: [long pause] Is this a trick question?


Beth: Lesson of the night.  Don’t smoke pot or you’ll end up screwing a horse.


Paul: Dude, what’s up your ass?

Andy: Jim Henson.


Rachel: Nerds went down my bra!

Beth: Well, isn’t that just the curse of everyone who couldn’t get a date in high school.


Beth: Well, it’s good to know that the mouth I felt latch onto my ear was just Mike and not…wait, what am I saying?


Andy: Aim for Beth, Paul!  That way when you botch, you’ll hit the zombie!


Ripple: If I were you, I wouldn’t look under the bed.

Saxon: That’s what the stick is for!


Beth: First she sold her soul to Mike, then she sold her soul to Hecitus, then she sold her soul to Mike again in an attempt to buy it back from the first time she sold it.

Paul: Wow…three wrongs make a BIG wrong.


Wan: Hey, we’ve got days to burn on this planet.  Let’s just sit back and enjoy the sun.

Kyler, pointing to the newly vampiric Maria: Heh heh heh…days…burn…sun…


Mike: According to your religion, you just committed a cardinal sin.

[Long pause.]

Rachel: So…who wants to have a hot tub party?


Saxon: Quick!  Let’s ask another dumb question before they get away!


Missy: Yeah, because in my artificial womb nobody has to get hurt.


Saxon: Screw you and your kids.  I’m just gonna grow my steak apple trees.


Beth: Anne took out a mortgage on her soul!

Mike: And I’m the grim repo man.


Mike: With magic, anything is possible.

Paul: Even oral sex after marriage?


Andy: You know, Mike…only you would think something was cute that had been programmed to kill and maim.


Joe: You’re not in the compound yet.  You’re all making plans and creating hamsters.


Ripple: I ran into this giant thing, and now it’s transforming itself into some sort of…thing.


Missy: The love of her life just died a horrible, gruesome death and you immediately begin looting his corpse?  You are a hobo.


Julie Ann: Is it true what they say about Chinese men?

Wan: What do they say about Chinese men?

Julie Ann: I don’t know, but we could make something up.


Kenley, to Santa Claus: I just wanted to clone you.  I hope you understand that.


Mike: It does the typical Windows 98 thing…

Paul: Crashes?


Mike: You all notice that Marcus seems to have gotten a lot nicer over the past few days.

Iain: Oh, he spent his experience points on Charisma.


Iain: Well, maybe the stomach acid from your vomit will cauterize the bloody stump of my arm.


Bria: We need to work out who boots up Gabriel at the beginning of each combat.

Jennifer: Hey!  I turn him on!


Andy: In Mike’s World of Darkness, trees equal Nephandi.


Sadira: Ohhhhh, Saxon, you’re so good at smelling things.


Mike: Um, Ripple?  How attached were you to the lower half of your body?


Jennifer: Did something come back and smack Marcus upside the head and say, “Bad lich!  No biscuit?”


Rachel: Okay.  I want to enchant a unitard with Prime…

Mike: Unitard?  Oh.  For a minute there I thought you were being derogatory toward your kid.


Beth: My focus for Correspondence is not taking a dump.


Iain: What’s the difficulty?

Mike: Two.

Paul: Did you just say “sex?”


Mike, after Jennifer loses a leg in the haunted house: Is anyone going to stop the bleeding?

Caly: No, it’ll take care of itself.


Beth: No, I’m gimpy!  Don’t hurt me!


Beth: I was missing a leg, and I saved your life twice, and how do you thank me?  By throwing me into the killer wall of cheese.

Caly: No, I’m really sad about it!  I’m like, “Oh.  Shit.”


Mike: There are all sorts of different heads on the people-headed tree.  They have different races and different genders.  Some of them are geniuses.  The one you have is of moderate intelligence.

Beth: And some of them are unitards.


Jennifer: I think my offer is much better.  With a planimal, this guy could take over the world.  Whereas with the services of this cabal, he won’t be able to accomplish jack shit.


Bria: I need to ask you something.

Porthos: I’m flattered, but I’m much too old for you.


Jennifer: It’s not a question of better sex.  It’s a question of sex versus no sex.

Michael: Yes, but the fact remains that you’re having sex because he’s dead.


Jennifer: What did you do?  Start at the beginning.

Michael: Well, when I was five years old I fell down the stairs…


Mike: It’s like, people will know the name of Michael What’s-His-Face.


Jennifer: So what happened?

Ripple: Well, I’m not sure if I impressed him or pissed him off.


Jennifer: Gabriel isn’t dead!  He’s just digitally remastered!


Michael: Fine then!  Now I have a house in the British Isles!  And you can’t come!


Jennifer: Tell me you did not just proposition your ex-boyfriend in Enochian.

Ripple: Oh, he ain’t my ex no more.


Iain: I say we go straight to the main tomb.

Paul: What?  No foreplay?


Ripple, leaving a phone message for Marcus: I need you to call me back as soon as is magely possible.  ‘Cause that’s faster than humanly possible.


Rachel: …And then, I leave him Jennifer’s cell phone number.  In Enochian.


Takahashi: We seem to be trying to save the universe in the most roundabout way possible.


Ripple: I just don’t want the cute little kid to die!

Takahashi: If you don’t want him to die, get him as far away from us as possible.


Rachel: I bring him some Turkish Delight.  The good kind, not the sucky kind.  No sucky Turkish Delight for this vampire!


Caly: Pi-cha, pi-cha!  I’m from Japan.  I have to take pictures.


Ra Lei: I’m so tired of dealing with creepy people.


Caly: Right now, Mike, you represent evil shadowy cloudy smoky guy, and it makes me want to shoot you.


Mike: Seven rounds?  He’ll be, like, on top of you humping you in seven rounds.


Mike: Well, the plus side is, you’re alive.  The downside is, ten years from now you’re promised to a large Russian man.


Sean: So, yeah, I transported in my gargantuan form.  Is there anything there for me to club?


Josh, in reference to Jennifer: Do I recognize this woman?

Mike: Well, you’d probably recognize her better if she was naked.


Jennifer: She said we’d protect him.  That means he’s screwed.


Michael: …And, if all goes well, things will basically be the same way they are now.  Without the sense of impending doom.


Beth: Turing-mon digivolve into Digital-Web-mon!


Mike: Essentially, the contents of the data bass…I mean…database…


Rachel: Can I sit on his shoulders?

Mike: No, it’s very streamlined.

Rachel: His shoulders?

Mike: No, the ship.

Paul: He’s got those streamlined shoulders.  That’s what women look for.

Mike: So you can slip in and out of the water like a fish!

Beth: Like a data bass?


Mike: You exit the ship?  30 HIT Marks jump you!  No, just kidding.

Andy: They’re bearing gifts!  Frankincense and myrrh!  And motor oil!


Rachel: Are there any single Technocrats walking around?

Josh: You looking for a date?


Rachel: It’s not my fault that dead people just flock to me!


Beth: Did you just tell her that she sucks at being a Nephandi?


Ahreen: Why don’t you drop the circle and we’ll talk.

Takahashi: Why don’t we just talk first?

Ahreen: Why don’t you drop the circle first?

Takahashi: Because you’re in there, and we’re out here, so we can just wait until you rot.  And then we wouldn’t have anything to talk about, would we?


Rachel: Are you saying I’m a sex geek?


Ripple: We’re looking for a guy who’s seven feet tall.  [pause, then with great certainty]  And seven feet wide.


Iain: I say we wait outside his office, gather successes, and then knock on the door.


Iain: I like babies.  They make good pot roast.


Defense Attorney: Would you consider Marcus to be a good example of a member of the Order of Hermes?

Ra Lei: Oh, yeah.  He’s a damn fine asshole.


Rachel: It’s socially acceptable for you to be a slut.  You’re a computer geek.


Takahashi: No, she wouldn’t go to hell if she died.  She’d have to do something really bad first, like robbing a liquor store.


Michael: Hey, there’s nothing keeping you from going around wearing a banner that says “Queen Of Hell” and teaching illiterate children to read!


Ra Lei: Who the hell is in our house?

Ripple: Alan Turing.

Ra Lei: [pause] Bitch.


Jennifer: Alan Turing just insulted me!  But in Bizarro-World, that means that he likes me!