Best of Firefly Quotes


[Oh, the irony of early seasons:]
Osiris: My name's not exactly the best one to have.
Jaya: Are you planning to propose to her or something?

Nicolas: I underestimated the wackiness of these hill folk.
Luke: So did I.

Quinn, about the father of Jaya's son: I'm takin' it it wasn't the guy you were to be married to?
Jaya: No, that was the problem.
Quinn: I understand.
Nicolas, looking pained: Please don't understand.

Nicolas, in a despondent, end-of-his-rope tone of voice: Gorram smelly fish!

Nicolas: I could be a character witness and tell them that Daisy isn't the type to steal and vandalize.
Birgitta: Captain, if somebody looked up your name in the database, what would they find?
Nicolas: Umm...better not pick me.

Archer: Unless someone is doing random burqa compliance tests, ain't no one gonna recognize you under all that.

Nicolas: We're not trained killers.
Birgitta and Osiris, simultaneously: I am.

Siqin: I've got some rather complicated news, captain. The professor we're looking for has disappeared, and someone has already searched her office.
Osiris: Also, half the philosophy majors on campus are Neo-Nietzcheans.
Nicolas: Is that some sort of food?
Osiris: Sort of.

Archer: Some legends turn out to be true. Some legends turn out to be false. Some legends turn out to be something completely different.
Osiris: What matters is whether this legend is edible.

Quinn, about Birgitta: She don't seem to know right from...beating people up.

Siqin: It was obviously done by someone with a seriously deranged personality.
Luke, to Osiris: Good thing you have an alibi.
Osiris: I was boning a hooker. Check my bank account.

Luke: It's my job to tell when someone's lying, and not to sound prejudiced, but you Browncoats are terrible at it.

Jaya: I think we should pose as two missionary couples. [points at Nicolas quickly] I get you.
Osiris, leering at Siqin: Anyone got a breath mint?

Nicolas, about Quinn and Osiris having sex on the ship: Anyone with ears heard you. The only person you didn't wake up is the deaf woman.
Osiris: Well, your sister's a talker.

Nicolas, to Osiris: I like you. That's why I kept you on my boat, despite your problem...your problems.
Eric Z, OOC: Good thing there's nothing after plurals.

Nicolas, about Osiris and Quinn: I don't want him to get too close to you.
Quinn: He lives in the same damned ship as me.
Iain, OOC: And we don't lock doors.

Osiris, drunkenly: I'm not a parasite!
Beth, OOC: He said, as he poured more beer into his bloated tick body.

[about a large saltwater crocodile being transported aboard the ship]
Birgitta: It's going to be fun being deaf.
Luke: Well, I understand you can't hear it coming anyway.

Jaya, about the kids: I don't know. I just don't feel like we're teaching them any valuable lessons about how life is hard.

Osiris, about Beatrice the crocodile eating two people: She'll be shitting shoes all week.

Luke: You know what I love about GCRS?
Prisoner Being Questioned By Luke: I don't really care.
Luke: There aren't any procedures for what to do with forceps.
[fade to black]

Quinn: Was it a real gorilla?
Nicolas: I think it was just a guy in a gorilla suit.
Iain, OOC: It's really expensive if you want a real gorilla to commit suicide.

Osiris: How do you get good at shootin' things? By shootin' things. How do you get good at diggin' holes? By diggin' holes. How do you get good at brewin' beer? By drinkin' beer.

Luke: Unfortunately, our war hero is off having a serious discussion, so she can't be here to tell us stories about murdering babies.

Luke:You know, Captain, if you do it right, the lady enjoys it, too.

Nicolas: We could talk about how the Chargers won the Cup. I don't really follow...whatever sport that is.

Osiris: I used the last of the medical supplies to break my Hippocratic oath.

Siqin: We might want to keep it on the down-low about us having valuable skills.
Nicolas: Too bad they're goin' off to talk about their having valuable skills.

Osiris: Do we get a penalty if we try to alarm the townsfolk?
Nicolas: Yes. I'm gonna write "penalty" on a bullet.

Siqin, talking about Osiris: We've never seen him in a state where he could cover up anything, and certainly not on a Core planet. Well, maybe with dirt.

Nicolas: Our long-term goals are pretty much find cargo and get paid. The distance between us and our long term goals is about the same as the distance between our plates and our mouths.

Siqin: So all those taxing missions Luke had us do had nothing to do with money?
Quinn: He was taxin'...their limbs.

Sekhmet: I know Angelo. I once picked up a person of interest from a Syndicate meeting concerning him.
Nicolas: Oh yeah, that's right. Whatever happened to Jennifer anyway?
Sekhmet: I don't think you really want to know, Captain.
Nicolas: You're probably right. Anyway...

Sekhmet: I want to be tested for an imaginary disease even less than you do.
Quinn: I believe it. At least I know I don't have it.

Elisa: Your brother and the rest of the crew are going to steal a catapult from the mutants and give it to the dwarves.
Siqin: Point of interest: your brother whacked his head really hard.

Nicolas: I find the doctor's story rather implausible.
Siqin: Which part?
Nicolas: The part where I died.
Siqin: Oh, that's true.

Siqin, to Nicolas: He seemed to think that if you died, it would be a clean slate for the ship, so I let you die.

Osiris: On the bright side, if it activates, we'll die quickly.
Nicolas: That's not what I call a bright side, doctor. What about "on the bright side, it's easy to cure" or "on the bright side, it can never be activated?"
Osiris: Don't complain. It used to be "On the bright side, I'll kill all the children first."


Beth: Some of your height went into your penis.
Sarah: If you could actually do that, all the men in the world would be like 4'9".

Sarah: The number of things that Eric talks about that anyone else can even understand is getting smaller and smaller.

Beth: Somehow, you find a hand cart in Luke's shuttle.
Iain: That was a wild night.

Eric Z: Hey, Captain, when's payday? Do we have a 401(k) plan? Do you make matching contributions? How's our health plan?
Noel: Dude, you are our health insurance.
Iain: Yeah, our medical and dental suck.

Eric Z: A painting of a representation of a solar flare? You're getting a bit away from your source material, don't you think?
Beth: A painting of an interpretive dance to music inspired about a poem inspired by a solar flare.

Eric O: I'm doing a painting of an interpretive dance about feeling the captain's penis in my back.

Eric Z: Crikey! Look at all these fundies!

Eric O: He was one of those Browncoats who didn't distinguish much between soldiers and civilians. It's not like he killed women and children, but he sometimes killed others.
Iain: Like shopkeepers.
Beth: He was an adventurer. He killed shopkeepers, city guards, and sometimes, when he got lucky, innkeepers.

[sarcastic response after Birgitta asks whether the ship has "its own inferno" - meaning incinerator, we think]
Iain: And on this deck, we have our inferno. And next to that is our shrine to Zeus and our licking wall.

Beth: Who's going to parties?
Eric O: I can go!
Iain: You sit down, murderer.

Nick: It's actually Sìqîn.
Eric Z: Your name seriously sounds like someone sheathing and unsheathing a sword?

Beth: So what are people doing when you land on Boros?
Eric Z: The clown.

Beth: The girl in tap shoes does a little dance as she sings a song about how it's your birthday, and the gorilla gives you a bunch of balloons.
Eric Z: And when they're done, they both commit suicide for your viewing pleasure.
Iain: That's how we do things here in the Core.

Iain: Anything I won't touch with a pole, Osiris gets.

Beth: Are you looking for a whore? You know the Companion Guild is on Sihnon, right?
Eric Z: I'm not the type of guy Companions want.
Nikki: Maybe they'll give you to a trainee.
Iain: Yeah. It'd be like going to a beauty college. It takes seven times as long, and every five minutes, the instructor comes over to offer advice.
Eric Z: I haven't seen anyone suck cock that bad since Luke Kano.
Iain: Cock-sucking was not my best subject in Companion school.

Beth: You encounter a super peanut. They have to put you in cryostasis until they find a cure.
Iain: That sounds expensive. You should just die.

Rache: What would I need to roll to vomit on command?
Beth: Vitality + Willpower, difficulty 11. It would be difficulty 15, but you DID just drink Good Deeds Wheat.

Beth: You know what's worse than doing a clown fast or doing a clown slow? Doing a clown twice.

Eric Z: Luke was telling the truth. If you do it right she does enjoy it!
Beth: Everything Nicolas learned about sex he learned from Harlequin romance novels.
Noel: Does it have to throb? I don't think it's ever throbbed in my life. I need to take a penis gymnastics course or something.

Various players, singing: Step one - put a hole in the doc. Step two - put the doc in the box. Step three - put the box in the ground. That's Doc's Christmas present.

Beth: You get two pairs of handcuffs; one for business, one for pleasure.
Eric O: Are the ones for pleasure covered in pink fluffiness?
Iain: No, but the business ones are.

Beth: Is this the new Team Makes the Captain Cry?
Iain: Mr. and Mrs. Makes the Captain Cry.

Noel: That's a great idea. Make Osiris call Sekhmet and ask for her help.
Iain: He's going to call her and ask her to sponsor his opening an ice cream shop on Hudson. Then he's going to come back to us and go, "Hey guys! Hey guys! I convinced Sekhmet to back our ice cream shop!" And then we'd have to space him.

Beth, about Osiris and Quinn: Honey, I love you so much, but this would be so much better if you'd just hit me in the face with a cream pie and spray me with seltzer water.

Noel: Hey Nick, did your parents have a spaceship when you were a kid?
Eric Z, impersonating Nick: It wasn't a very big spaceship. It didn't even have shields.

Eric Z, complaining about the Cortex system: For every foot you fall, take 5 bash. That's balanced.
Noel: For every five feet you fall, pay a mechanic 30 credits.

Beth, about Siqin: She's gonna need help. I mean more than just sitting in the cockpit, drinking tea and raising an eyebrow.

Noel, about trying to move Helen's Hope with a large number of small engines: It's like taking the wheels off your car and putting a million roller skates on it.

Beth: Siqin is drinking tea. She's not coming with you.
Noel: Siqin can fuck herself.

Beth: You notice he has 7 fingers on his right hand and 8 fingers on his left, for a total of 15 fingers.
Noel: I'm suddenly very thirsty for some anti-radiation drugs.

Nick, frustrated by his dice: Why the hell do I have a d12 in Willpower? To roll 4s?!?

Elisa: How do we stop you?
Noel, OOC: Generic device Angelo cannot be stopped now.