Best of Buffy the Vampire Slayer Quotes

In Character (IC)

[After the PCs' five-year class reunion is attacked by pirates and a tentacle demon:]
Ally: At our ten year reunion, you we're going to look back on this and laugh.
I don't think I'm going.

Fritzie, forlornly: I got a piece of a demon in me.
Jake, waving a bottle of rum: I've got a little Captain in me.
Rachel, OOC:
I can't believe I'm in love with you.

Jake: A house divided against itself cannot serve two masters.

Angela: Check this out. I thought you might be full of shit. Then I thought you might just be stupid. But then I found this.
Ooh, is it our SAT scores?

Angela, about Jake: He doesn't know whether you had sex last night, either, but he doesn't think so, because he's still horny.
Fritzie: [sniffle] I guess that means that whatever I did last night, I wasn't very good.

Ally, to Jake: You fed your demon, you BAD, BAD boy!

Fritzie, about Emma: Who watches the Watcher? Apparently, I do.

Sabrina: And how did you get the vampire *out* of the suit?

Angela: Joey, I'm about to twist your testicles so hard...
Joey, under the influence of magic: My name is Carmac, Carmac du Bois. And you will not touch my testicles, young maiden!

Joey, as Carmac du Bois: Control your young maiden!
Jake: She's not a maiden, for one thing...

[Fritzie and Chris make out "as a cover story" while spying on drug dealers.]
Are they gone?
Fritzie: Yes. They just left.
Chris: I couldn't make much out.
Fritzie: Actually, you did just fine.
Chris: No. I mean, did you hear anything?

[to Captain Hook, who has just lost his daughter, his friends, and everything he stood for]
Chris: Well, if you'd like a pet or something, I can get you a discount.

Fritzie: I think that your cellphone has been possessed by an R&B artist. That or a 12-year-old girl.

Thornton: Is there anything else you are pursuing that the Watcher's Council should be aware of?
Nikki, OOC: Jake has a fuckability hierarchy.
Eric Z, OOC: And your niece is third on the list.

[The brothers discussing Chris's illegitimate parentage.]
Chris: I feel like I should say something to Mom.
I don't know. It was a long time ago, and she's been through a lot of hard times lately.
Chris: Well, if she wants to get laid, he's in town.

Angela: She is a bitch. I can attest. I know bitches.

Angela, to some vampires: We have a very aggressive marketing campaign. We figure that if you're not a part of our target demographic, you shouldn't be allowed to be a part of any demographic.

[Jack drinks a little bit of his own blood.]
Fritzie: ...Did you just swallow that?
Jack, defensively:
Yeah. Why? Do you have a problem with that?
Fritzie: No. It's just interesting. It's like you're your own biodome.

Ally, about Jake and Mirabella: I don't think they were intimate. I think they were just having sex.

Ally: What cover story did you give your mom about Thornton?
Jake: I told her he was a college buddy of mine...'s dad.

Shinobi: You are still fraternizing with that vampire. Why is that?
Jake: I am simply getting into her confidence to better fight demons.
Shinobi: Is that what they call it these days?
Jake: I was using our secret clan technique, master.

Jake, getting philosophical with Mirabella: You see...darkness has a hunger that's insatiable. And lightness has a call that's hard to hear.

Jake: Again, I cannot speak of it directly. Because someone's probably listening, because they are pervs.

Ally: Joey has a sword. That's a plan?

Chris, to Elena: I'm a 21-year-old virgin, and you have no power over me.

Angela: Psychics are people, too. Thank you for that bold statement, Fritzie.

Mook Vampire: What did you do that for?
Angela: Because you're a vampire!
Mook Vampire: Hey, that's discrimination! [Dusts.]

[About Norma Rossi, Chris and Jake's mom.]
Ally: So instead of making her turn into an evil fish, we can turn her into someone who turns other people into evil fish. Is that any better?
Chris and Jake, in unison: Yes.

Angela: We can just pretend that the money for the house came from the ethical part of Dad's business.

Mirabella/Cathy: I was trapped in a horrible illusion until Jake saved me.
Ally: ...Good for Jake?

Ally, about Nokia: That's like having Burger King in your phone when you're fighting McDonalds.
Fritzie: ...Do we have pieces of McDonalds in us?

Angela: Before you go defiling the graves of my ancestors, could you please explain what you're looking for?
Fritzie, under her breath: ...It's only one.

Fritzie: I made you bleed more so we could win.
Angela: Yeah. Thank you. No wonder you don't have a boyfriend.

Chris: Like his usual interactions with women, it ended with Joey hurt and crying.

Flirtatious Dryad Women: You should stay here among the trees.
Jake: I can't. I have to run a roleplaying game. Wait, what am I saying!?

Ally: Jake's trying to bark up the wrong tree.
Chris: More like the tree's trying to bark up him.

Jake: I have to work in the morning. I can't spend all night making love to various wooden objects.

Fritzie: Hey, Joey? Do you and Nokia ever...share files?

Jack, about Iris: Would you go out of a club with a 14-year old vampire with bad taste in clothes?
Joey: Maybe.

Ally: So why are you so pissed off?
Joey: Fucking 18-year-old Mexicans.
Ally: Someone turn you down?

Ally: How long have you been playing baseball?
Joey: Five years.
Ally: Ever consider that maybe baseball isn't your thing?

Fritzie: Oh. I kind of killed all the sorority girls. But they were already dead, so it's okay.

Jake: My foot smells like demon poo.
Ally: I didn't think Fyarl demons liked to poo on things.
Chris: They don't. Jake likes to put his foot in things.
Ally: I think you've reached a new low, and for Jake, that's pretty impressive.

Fritzie: How do you see with the blindfold on?
Jake: Ancient Chinese secret.
Chris: Holes.

Jay: Why do you have a door in the basement?
Jake: It's for the vampire.
[horrified looks]
Jake: I can't keep track of who we've told about that...

Fritzie: Remember last year when we used to walk out of doors, and the outside was still there?

Bizarro Angela: Basically, we're going to restore all the things the United States stood for - civil liberties, democracy, eating food...

Ally: Jake's car fell through a roof.
Fritzie: How did that happen?
Jake: I don't know. They're calling it an act of God.
Ally, in a booming voice: "Jake, I exist. You're in big fucking trouble, mister!"

Weevin: Ally. I liked her. I taught her how to swear in my home tongue.
Jake: And I think she taught me how to swear in mine.

Ally: Jake?
Jake: Yes?
Ally: What the fuck are you doing?
Jake: Purifying myself.
[sucking sound]
Fritzie, under her breath: Don't ask any more questions.

Jake: Don't look at me for support. I've got a tube up my ass. I'm not a part of this conversation.

Fritzie: It's like this thing that if someone else's crow has five stones, Joey's crow has to have six stones.

Joey: I think there's plenty of fault to go around.
Fritzie: Yes, there sure is, you druggie.

Ally: Why are you looking at me when you talk about that? I've never been inside Jack.
Jake: I've *heard* of such things.
Chris: You've *done* such things.

Jake: Demons are only good for buggering.
Ally: You have a demon inside you.
Jake: Yes, but I don't talk to it. It's like the gay guy at the family reunion.

Fritzie: You should make up with Nokia. She could help you with this.
Jake: That's like saying, "Here's some crack. It'll help you kick your cocaine addiction."

Fritzie, tearfully: If I did something to really piss myself off, don't you think I'd know about it?

Fritzie, about being hit on by Bizarro Jake: It made me feel uncomfortable, and it made me want to be a guy.

Ally: The guy in the bar sold you a bomb. I know this, because it's mine.

Sabrina, finishing a long lecture: ...And now you're reaping the negative consequences of those actions.
Joey: Which means it's all uphill from here!

Fritzie: They are maybe sexy in an "I'm going to kill you" sort of way. Maybe that's hot.
Ally: I don't know. [to Jake] Is that hot?
Jake: I should be more minimalist in my speech.

Chris, telepathically to Fritzie: How did you get in my head?
Fritzie, telepathically: Maybe I've always been in your head.

Chris: Yes, that's right. Go there. Go to the haunted raft.

Fritzie: I'm going to teleport you now. I'm sorry if I leave half your head behind.
Chris: As long as it isn't the half with you in it.

Chris: Maybe our Jake could teach that Jake his special manuever.
Ally: ...Let's not ruin this world.

[Oh, the irony:]
Fritzie: I give Ally a hug. "I never want to be enemies!"
Ally: Then just don't ever become an evil magic-user.

Ally: What do you need me to do for you, Neil?
Bizarro Neil: ...Kill me.
Iain, OOC: ...Make me a taco.

Jake: I could have been a great martial artist up until last night.

[Fritzie's justification for altering everyone's minds to get Chris away from Lindsay:]
Fritzie: It's like you know your SUV could get over the pile of twigs at the end of the driveway, but why not just move them anyway.

Fritzie: They didn't sign you up with the majors because of your Slayer abilities. They did it because you swallowed a pill the size of Milwaukee.

[Why Ally is refusing to lend out her car:]
Ally: It's new. It has no scratches on it. It's never been to another dimension.

Fritzie, to the chaplain: I need you to bless some water so I can kill some demon slime, and then I need you to bless my boot because I stepped in it.

Jake: I'm glad the only nocturnal problems I have are emissions.

Fritzie, to Simon: Joey gave Nokia some money to play the stock market, and she won the stock market. She owns the military, now.

Fritzie: Confession is good for the soul. Especially mine, since it occassionally breaks up with me.

Ally: Jake is a monk. Fritzie uses magic. Angela kicks butt. I'm the research weasel. What is it that you do, Joey?

Ally: I haven't tried to end the world.
Simon: That's very good. Baby steps.

Nokia: Your friend Fritzie has been kidnapped by that teleporter for some lesbian sex adventure thingy.
Joey: Hold on. Let me put you on speaker phone.

Fritzie, to Angela: I always wanted to be the person beneath you in the cheerleading pyramid.

Fritzie: Do you know how guys say don't call her, it makes you seem unobtailable?

Angela: If I hire you a butler, he's going to be a butler who sits around putting the smack down.

Ally: Jake, could you, like, tongue Joey back to life?
Jake: Mr. Miyagi himself could not tongue Joey back to life.

Fritzie: Your brain is like a day spa. I should vacation there more often.
Joey: I'm glad you enjoyed my brain.

Sabrina: Fritzie, I'm sure he only called you because he's the first person he thinks of when he thinks of mind control magic.

Fritzie: How many bad guys are like "Oo! I'm Insecure Man!"
Ally: ...You.

Sabrina: Who votes we kill it?
[Ally, Joey, and Sabrina raise their hands.]
Sabrina: Who votes we capture, dampen, or shrink it?
[Chris, Fritzie, and the Jake ninjas raise their hands.]
Chris: We win. 10 to 3.
Sabrina: Hey, only one vote for the ninjas.

Jack: Zombies took over the house! What's going on?
Ally: Well...Zombies took over the house.

Simon: [long rant about duty] I don't do this because it's fun!
Iain, OOC: I do it for the chicks.

Fritzie: So, you're Ally's soul?
Iain, OOC: I always imagined you a lot smaller, for some reason.

Fritzie: I hate to say this, but maybe Simon was right.
Beth, OOC: And somewhere somehow Simon feels better.
Eric Z, OOC: The Universe owes him a dollar.

Beth, narrating: His face is covered in blood. He opens his mouth, and you see he has no tongue.
I guess I'm not the only one who's had a shitty night.

Ally: Who are you here to fight, Tran?
Tran: The Nemesis - the Destroyer of Jake.
Fritzie: You mean himself?

Jack, about his friendship with Simon: Our relationship is new. It's on shaky ground.
Fritzie: And that's why you're learning 50 ways to pleasure your man?

Tran, about Tibet: There was an all-male monastary and an all-female ninja school.
Teresa: Did you ever have dances together?

Jack: What does a ninja wear to the prom?
Tran: It's always difficult to tell.

Beth, narrating: He looks at Simon and says, "I know you, as well."
Teresa: Simon! Someone KNOWS you!

Teresa, to Tran: You seem like something a little kid made up.

Simon: So, the fairies can watch us anywhere at anytime?
Teresa: Like those extra long showers, Simon.

Simon: When you said they watch us all the time, I thought you meant "all the time with tasteful fades to black."
Teresa: That's why they always have to mop the scrying room.

Ally: The last time we used handcuffs, horrible things happened.
Teresa: What, he couldn't get it up?

Tran: Ally is quite attractive naked.

Faeries: What about Simon? What do you think about him?
Ally: Simon is very close to our hearts.
Iain, OOC: As any good mascot should be.
Eric Z, OOC: Simon's fanboys are going to be quoting that forever, because that's all they've got.

Jack: Sometimes I think faeries scrying on me is cute, and other times, it's weird.
Teresa: You just gotta remember. They're going to do it no matter what.
Tran: Kind of like Simon and Ally.

Tran: Does it make the Snake uncomfortable when I speak of nakedness?

Ally: What's your favorite animal?
Tran: A crane is the least likely to eat me.
Joey: Don't be so sure.
Teresa: That sounded so slashable.

Tyler: What happened to Jack?
Teresa: He's, um, batting for the other team, now.
Tyler: He's gay? I knew it.
Ally: He's just got more Alerion in him.
Tyler: Did that make him gay?

Teresa: We don't need to clean this up. It's the Apocalypse.

Teresa: It's not like you can wash your werewolf. As soon as they transform into wolves, it's like they roll around in something dead in the process.

Louie: Chris was a real servant of the people. He's in the worker's paradise, now. Hallelujah!
Eric Z, singing OOC: Been spending most of life livin' in a worker's paradise...

Out Of Character (OOC)

Beth: I'm going to turn this explanation around and go home if you don't shut up.

Nikki, about Buffy season 2: That's dirty! You're not supposed to fuck vampires in high school.

Rachel, about Fritzie: I've never had a boyfriend. I've only had dates.
Eric Z, about Jake: I've never had a girlfriend. I've only had sex.

Rachel: More margarita for the GM.
Beth, who is somewhat drunk:
On the contrary - MORE margarita for the GM.
Rachel: ...
That's what I said.

Beth: So, you ram your head up that demon's ass, and you see some things no one was ever meant to see inside that demon's colon.

Eric Z: I'm going to try to set the Watcher up with my mother.
Nikki: What's wrong with you?
Eric Z:
I'm badly behaved and well-intentioned.

Sarah, about Eric Z: What's he doing in there? Is he sexually frustrating himself so he can better play his character?

Rachel, about Angela's house: Do you have one of those toilets that sprays you with water?
Beth: A bidet?
Sarah: I bi-do.

Sarah: Okay, so we're having sex. But I make him wear a condom, 'cause he slept with that skeezy whore.

Eric Z: This is sad. I'm betraying my friends and my lover for an imaginary ninja.

Beth: Are you going to visit Mirabella?
Eric Z: Fuck yeah. I'm sexually frustrated, and it's dark.

Beth: It's almost like your sodomy is making him stronger.

Sarah, about Jake: That's twice you haven't gotten it up in this game.

Sarah: I bet he voted for Bush. Wait, I bet *I* voted for Bush. Eww!

Rachel: Let's just flood all of Teffelsburg with holy water.
Nikki: Better warn Jack.
Eric Z: [booming voice] "Jack. Build an ark."
Iain: "And save two of every kind of demon so that Ally may study them."

Beth: You just parked your car in an alternate dimension and walked away from it. Do you really expect to get it back?

Iain: I haven't robbed a grave in such a long time...

Rachel: If he rescued her, and she gave him a thank you blow job, would it spurt out cottage cheese?

Rachel: Are you hurt?
Iain: I took 74 damage.
Rachel: I kind of give him a hug.
Eric Z: Cottage cheese time.

Iain: Your soul comes back. You break its legs and make sure they heal improperly. "You're never running away from me again!"

Beth: When your survival hinges on Joey making a seduction check...
Iain: I suggest you stick with trying to cast a spell in an anti-magic area.

Eric Z: I'm not a dirty fighter.
Beth: But you fight in a dirty way - right up the butt.

Beth: So, Jake and Fritzie are unconscious. Joey has armed a bomb. Teresa is screaming like a girl. And Sabrina is at least 20 miles under the Earth's crust.

Rachel: Maybe you could tell her that we're big butterfly enthusiasts, and they decocooned at the same time.
Beth: I like big butterflies and I cannot lie.

Eric Z: How do zombies get from place to place? They take the traaaaaaaaaain.

Eric Z: Our initiatives are all bunched up in defiance of Dispersion Theory.

Eric Z: Why don't zombies lift weights? They don't like the straaaaaaaaaaain.
No paaaaaaaaain, no gaaaaaaaaaaaaaain.

Eric O: I'm sure my inside is beautiful.
Rachel: I'm sure that's what your mother told you when she gutted you and exposed your spine.

Beth: It's almost as if your own thoughts are being reflected back at you.
Iain: It's a desolate landscape.

[Summing up the entire game so far:]
Nikki: My life hurts.

Rachel: During downtime, I'm going to create Greg, go to Australia, and torture him.

Nikki: Did you say Simon slash?
Beth: Yeah, but who are you slashing him with?
Iain: G'hanakh.
Eric Z: Suck it, G'hanakh! Suck it!
Iain: I don't think I can fit it down my throat.

Rachel, about Chris and Fritzie's relationship: I won't sacrifice myself for you! I won't sacrifice myself for you! Well, that lasted two rounds.

Nikki: If Simon goes down, that gives me enough for Righteous Fury.
Beth: Ally often enjoys it when Simon goes down.
Iain: I don't think I can fit it down my throat!

Rachel: If she has an injured person fetish, that's the best thing that could ever happen to Joey.
Eric O: She thinks my spinal cord is sexy.
Iain: But I can't fit it down my throat!

Eric Z: Jake took Chris's place. There was a mix-up in the paperwork. Jake is in Wolf Heaven right now, very confused.

Eric Z: Must resist urge to set faeries on fire.
Eric O: Must resist urge to Whirling Sword.
Iain: You guys, stay away from my faeries. My faeries are giving me clothes.

Eric Z: You know it's a bad situation when a faerie says it's surreal.

Eric Z: Having a Death Star means never being wrong.