D&D (Berran) Quotes

"He's the first barista."

"You live next door to the Face-Thrasher family."
"...Is this Mrs. Face-Thrasher?"

"We're going down the hard road to Yorkshaft."

"Roll your Profession: Digging-Man."

"It'll be like a cockhead pretzel."

"Damn, that's a fuckshit of money."

"Just remember, it's like an orc boner."

"Oh noes, it is sick. Now you must go to the chicken doctor and get a chicken potion."

"The Face-Thrashers are very knowledgeable in matters of religion."

"I'll roll my beast into your town anyday."

"Roll your Strength."
"I think that only a 1 will make me..." (rolls 1)

"I'm gonna yell to both of these guys to jump in the meat wagon."

"...And then I killed it and made love to its hide."

"You're attacked by three deserts: a mama, a papa, and a baby."
"This desert is too big."

"You're boppin' your cousin?"

"Tonight, you're not a half-giant. You're a stoned giant."

"If you get a really bad wiigii, your wiistring will break."

"Like he won't be eating and drinking his ass out. (pause) Off."

"Do they call it scat porn because when you find animal poop in the woods, it's called scat?"
"I suppose."
"No, it's because in every video they have someone in the background going Shoobadubopbopduuuuuu..."

(throws dice bag) "Goddammit! You can't tell he's screwing you up the ass because his penis is small!"

"They're both amorous and humpbacked."
"Brings a whole new meaning to the word 'humping.'"

"Dude, like, carrier pigeons, they're, like, the fantasy world cell phone."

"I tumble until it hurts."
"Ow, that's a cactus."

"I have to flex my nomad wiener."

"Dude, if we had a poor-quality camel, this wouldn't be a problem."

"There's a difference between shooting someone with a poison dart from the shadows and facing them in honorable combat."
"Yeah, one's really dangerous."

"I think it's bad manners to eat food from people you're going to kill."

"Again, a poor quality camel would solve our problems here."

"Sacrifice your jowls for the greater good!"

"It's Tem-Et-Tuesday!"

"I don't think that I address anyone as 'fucker.'"
"Not even Mr. Fucker!"

"Did you just say 'Lyle licks his boner?'"

"She watches you with her hideous eyes."

"It's a McTemple!"

"So we go in the room and there's like a giant freaking ogre in there or something?"
"...No, that's me."

"You're hiding behind the hobbitgoblin thing."

"It licked her boobsplosion."

"You may run at full speed if your ass is between your legs."

"I need my serving manch here shaking his thang."

"Chain mail is for summer."
"Especially when you don't wear anything under it."
"Imagine the sunburn."
"Imagine the pinching."

"It's like sweaty man-smell if he was, like, wearing carrion on his body."

"Now I picture your bald, obese, hobbit-child girlfriend."

"Fat bhuka girlfriend."

"All I'm picturing now is sand-colored folds."

"My nut sweat is a beautiful blessing."

"He's not a samurai, he's a samaroo."
"It's like a samurai/kangaroo hybrid."
"Or samurai underwear."

"He cussed you out in Thri-Keen. Ssssssssssssst!"

"They slide down into depression. Sigh."
"Emo attackers?"
"No, they cut you and not themselves."

"They could be pooping and find some way to screw you with it."
"They'd be hiding it in your dinner."

"Lyle, Lyle, crocodile."
"In the middle of the melee aisle."

"Your name is now Mike, and you are dead to me."

"So your attacker's sword goes flying out of his hand..."
"And you all sit down and have a tea party, because you all suck."

"I think we lose this combat."
"Quit being so defeatist."
"I'm not defeatist, I'm defeated."

"Checking the chickens at the chicken check-in."

"So, friends, what did this job pay?"
"For me, food, beer, and a chain shirt."

"There were those of us who were close to death, and those of us who couldn't do anything at all."
"I think I was both."

"Somebody took a shit in my bag."
"And left you literally holding the bag."

"I suppose you have some proof of this?"
"I have a T-shirt that says 'I survived the sacking of Grandhaven."

"This is the 'shaft' part of Yorkshaft."
"No, by now you're well into the taint."

"Sense Motive would be the defensive Obama-style gambling."

"If you're lying, it's Bluff. If you're telling the truth, it's Diplomacy."
"What if I don't know yet?"

"'Cause if there are any motives there I want to sense them."

"That was the only thing your grandfather was good for."
"Buying us food?"
"He stored it in his jowls."
"Like a chipmunk."

"I'm just not going to think about the logistics of half-giant wang."
"Well, he's only Large size when it would be beneficial."

"Soon you have the look of some dirty, dirty clowns."

"Yours has a stillborn calf stuck to it."

"If you absolutely, positively have to get away, wear a stillborn calf and watch 'em look the other way. [pause] That could be a jingle."

"Stillborn-Calves-R-Us."

"Rule 1: If you're going to sleep in our camp, you have to take a watch. Rule 2: If you want to drink water, you have to fight salt mephits."

"Hey! We found out all kinds of great stuff! And we hate you!"

"I don't have my chickens. They're back at the-"
"Dead."

"She chucked the chicken at the chicken check-in."

"I have two tents."
"And sometimes you have three."
"That third one would be a crude tent."

"I have to remember not to say 'I'm pitching a tent for Lyle.'"

"I take shelter in the lee of my giant cock."

"Looking at the fountain really did make you feel better!"

"There's been an awful lot of poles and masts that stick up in this game."

"You have found the clitoris of the shipwreck."
"I rub it."

"When you fall in a bottomless pit, you die of starvation!"
"In this case, you die of drowning."
"Or bottomless pit fiends."

"Kor, do you want to see what's in this chest?"
"No, I brought it up so we could throw it back in again."

"Did you just get a 1 again?"
"No, I got a -1."

"You and the other fighters are standing around polishing your swords..."
"Around a muffin?"

"You're gonna send us out to a tower in the desert. It used to the a flesh golem."
"The top looks like a mushroom."
"With white smoke coming out of it. In spurts."
"Like a cum chimney."

"He used his gift from the gods stick."

"...And then they get real close and poke you a new throat hole."

"I'm going wherever Lyle is going."
"I have to pitch my tent for him."

"Have some women, Durant. They're paid with money."
"...Did you just say paved with money?"

"I think that would be a big turnoff if a girl had a fetus grafted to her head."
"Just don't watch when she's giving you a blow job."

"Meet me at the Toasted Goose."
"Does that goose walk crookedly?"

"Lyle's eating for two these days."

"I'm going to spend most of the time that I have..."
"...Trying to get into her pants."

"I fuckin' Diplome."

"Fucking soft fuckers."
"What does that even mean?"
"It means they do it at half mast."

The Characters and Players (Prologue Campaign):
Dulzuka, a half-hobgoblin hunter. Played by Nikki.
Leonor Caminante, a human fighter. Played by Beth.
Lyle Anders, a human courtier. Played by Jake.
Kor, a half-giant inkyo. Played by Noel.
Shak'jaeed, a bhuka nomad. Played by Alex.
DM: Iain.

Back