New Hunter Campaign Quotes
A lesson from Joe:
"I just spent $300 to get a fortune teller to call me a bigot."
A lesson from Ben:
"Ode to Joy is really fucking long."
"Do they actually refer to themselves as vampires?"
"Do you ever actually refer to yourself as human?"
"All the time."
"Do the people look like bugs, Iain?"
"And then the Messengers stabbed you?"
"Yes. Right in the face."
"I have a superpower too! My superpower is that I can't sleep!"
"In some countries, being hot is illegal."
"We need an exorcist! Quickly, get on the Vat-Phone!"
"...You know, just in case I've developed some contagious brain cancer that leaps from ear to ear."
"It's a little wiggly but you can't get it up at all."
"Dude, if you respond to my Hunter-Net thread with 'first post,' I'm so going to kick your ass."
"What symbol are you?"
"Heh. This is like astrology, only true."
"Avengers, you will have a four-star day!"
"Hey, Joe? I need you to do something to me after you get off for me."
[reads Hunter-Net post from Charlotte, the player's former character]
"...Fuck you, me."
"Yes. I am the great and powerful Boner13."
"When you wake up, there's a throbbing pain in your foot."
"Yes, because I'm missing a lot of it."
"Dude, I used to be a nurse. People scraping poo off of things with their fingers is like the antithesis of my existence."
"All right. You're going to need to defecate sometime within the next
"Great! Anybody got a pizza?"
"Did you have any naked drunk guys arrested last night? Because if so, we need to get them out of jail and put them back in the recycling plant."
"Technically it's legal to just go around chewing on an adrenal gland if you want to."
"Do you feel like defecating yet?"
"Just let us know when you do."
"There was pooing involved. I distinctly remember the pooing."
"I'm the kind of doctor who only deals with her patients after they're dead."
"If you fuck this up, Noel, that would be awesome!"
"Well, I guess we pay our three dollar murder fee and leave."
"You were brought in because you were found in the middle of a park, naked."
"What the hell? They never picked me up for that before."
"Crap! I still have drugged bread in my pocket!"
"She out-talls Mavenne, 'cause Mavenne's really short."
[The dumbest thing about this quote is that Maven is almost 6 feet tall.]
"Incestual premarital lovemaking! Tsk, tsk!"
"Dude, I'm sure there's something in the Bible that says, 'Do not fuck your sister.'"
"They were part doggie. Froggie! I mean, froggie. Yes. They were French."
"Brie, close the window! It might keep our smell in!"
"Nikki, if you were a guy, you would have a huge dick."
"Subjects are armed and dangerous."
"Admit it, you've always wanted to say that."
"I said that I wanted to baptize all the heathens, but what I really meant
was drown them!"
"Throw 'em all in the pool and let God sort 'em out!"
"Iain, if this guy wasn't carrying a meat cleaver, would I still be afraid of him?"
"Congratulations, Joe - you blew up the car I was standing on."
"See, if you think about the randomity of it all..."
"Technically you're not even supposed to be able to soak lethal at all, but this is a high-powered game! We're twinks!"
"YES! I fail!"
"You can't even plead for your life with dice like that!"
"Do you have a permit for that weapon?"
"The Second Amendment is my permit!"
"Iain, do I have a bruised liver?"
"Dude! Rule Zero!"
"No, this is way better. This way we get goat jokes."
"Basically she put her mouth on me and gave me, like, inverted CPR and sucked all the bad stuff out, and it just felt right."
"RDFD: The Religious Deviant Finding Division."
"So you mosey on over to the Atlanta Museum of the War of Northern Aggression..."
The Storyteller speaks:
"It's not my fault. Entirely. I just designed the world. You fucked with it."
"I don't really have that many women friends. Yeah."
"That's the nice thing about Cleave. It doesn't care."
"You can Cleave your friends, you can Cleave your nose, but you can't Cleave your friend's nose."
"That would be really bad, to be a narcoleptic superhero."
"There's a knock at your door."
"It's the cops! Oh, wait, this time it really is."
"Mavenne's at your door."
"The first thing you see when you walk in is a really nice wall. The next thing you notice is a whole bunch of shitty walls."
"There was a hole in that sheetrock."
"I just won't mention that I put it there looking for a phone that doesn't exist."
"Mavenne's boobs are fake?!"
"Is that a merit or a flaw?"
"Depends on if you're looking or touching."
"...Little dishes of weird aesthetically pleasing niblets..."
"I order a vanilla milkshake."
[snickers] "Just like your personality."
"Hey, bitch. My milkshake is better than yours."
"This is the kind of stuff that stem cell research could have cured."
"Yeah, you better get on that."
"Actually, I talk to my corpses, so this is about normal."
"I keep on wanting to call you Brie, and it's really mean."
"Because I don't know their names, and they work in my office!"
"That's because you spend all your time talking to corpses!"
"No, this is my punishment for putting my life back together."
"Sylvia is coming over, and I'm going to do some experiments on her."
"After I call Joe, I go get gas."
"A lot of people get gas after calling Pizza Boy."
"Wow. Sounds like lycanthrophy is the new kissing disease."
"In other words, DO NOT FUCK A TRANSFORMED WEREWOLF."
"Extreme bestiality! The new World of Darkness reality show!"
"You know what's a really good way to make him fall over again? 'So, Kim, can you tell us who brainwashed you?'"
I no longer have any idea what this was about:
"Going to pass out?"
"Planning on it."
"Big fucking pea pod."
"So we're looking for the metaphorical canyon of death."
"Or the canyon of metaphorical death."
"Sweet! Now I just need to find a werewolf who will let me strap it down and peel off its skin."
"You'll notice Kim wasn't willing to go all the way with a vampire, unlike some of the people in this group."
"He just punked you so bad. I might even call it a burn. Or a lesion."
"No, that's okay. Dead rats can be dead."
"Little did you know, the rat now has superintelligence and is holding
your electron microscope hostage."
[sings] "Pinky and the Brain, Pinky and the Brain, one of them's a genius and the other's insane..."
"So here's the second rat. We'll call it R2."
"Too bad we don't have any dogs to stand next to them. Two of them, to be exact."
"We're already murderers. We might as well be liars, too."
"I don't think 'we' is quite the right term to use when we're talking about the murderer in this group."
"Everybody does love the urine."
"Whiskey and ketchup! Together at last!"
"Wow. If only I got explosive diarrhea every time I got surprised."
"The old lady with the fake boobs is hitting on the pizza guy. Our game is every porno ever made. "
"Yes, the difference of a day can make a difference."
"La la, I'm so chipper! And I also have a thirst for vengeance!"
[After learning that a massacre had taken place at the train station.]
"Your courier comes in with a bunch of assistants, which is unusual, because usually they only need one person to bring a corpse in."
"Oh, goddammit. It's gonna be a huge motherfucker."
"...And in Iain's World of Darkness, Beth, I think you're a necrophiliac."
"Wait. How does a zombie get a boner?"
"That's what I do. I spawn babies. They come out of a huge mucosal sac."
"Her father, once again, helped him out of a tough situation."
"A tough situation. A tough situation in his pants!"
"Problems. Heh. She's talking about impotence."
[Yelled through the wall at the neighbors.]
"Yes, that's right. I said erectile dysfunction!"
"I take you upstairs. It's very sterile."
[snort] "Just like Leah's husband."
"I sure hope you can explain this in such a way that we will believe it."
"So you guys know how I have that power?"
"The one where you can't sleep?"
"Two of the rats get hooked up with their disease. Yeah. They've got their sores on."
"It's like spitting in somebody's soup."
"Or more correctly, it's like having your rat spit in somebody's soup."
"You know, they've all got tons of credit. They're, like, Platinum Ultra Gold Mega Super Zord cardholders."
"It looks like his skin is made out of woman's butt! [pause] Is Sylvia hot?"
"I hope you guys get in a fight with him. I wanna see him pick up a car."
"Wait, are you the one that shot the hippo?"
"Explain lust to us, old lady. What is it? Can you teach us?"
"We need to show them that there's life after coins."
"And what's this one for? He turns into a dragon and molests some guy's ear?"
"You should clearly be a 16-year-old Asian kid."
"At least you didn't light him on fire like everything else you work with."
"He touched me a lot."
"Did you like it?"
"No. I'm smiling because it's funny."
"Apparently, if all four of them are together, then Keraptis shows up."
"You're gonna like Wave."
"'Cause he's a big pussy."
"Once upon a time we were gaming over here, until we heard that."
"And then you think about the fact that she's a hunter. And then you think
about the fact that she's a huge, rigid bitch."
"Heh. You just said rigid."
"I should've taught these guys some code speak before we came over here. You know. Like, 'Boy, one sure flew over the cuckoo's nest today.'"
[Joe's player explains the motivation behind his previous comment.]
"Because! Joe is fucking...conspiror!"
"Ohhh...I'm a tricky bastard."
"Hey, he was a Redeemer. He could have saved her with the healing light of his dick."
"Nothing in here is legal. They break the fire code, they break the murder code, they break the mind-control code..."
"Sorry, you must be at least this tall to be mind-controlled."
[said with a complete lack of irony] "But botching a gamble would be so
"We are the weirdest gamers ever."
"What if he gets pissed?"
"Then he gets pissed! I don't care! I just survived the deadliest of them!"
"Famous last words, Noel!"
"He's not dumb, he's just brainwashed."
"That's kind of like saying, 'She's not dumb, she's just a Mercy creed.'"
"You just kicked that guy in the deadly sin nuts."
[as the aerialist climbs onto the roof to do an ill-advised stunt]
"If he breaks his neck, grab the coins and run."
[thirty seconds later]
"So we leave poor Caspian George in a puddle of his own blood. And teeth. A puddle of his own teeth."
"It's all fun and games until somebody rolls a 1."
"Look at it this way - there are no weapon marks, so as far as forensics knows, the guy just tripped and fell onto his own meathook."
[recounting a poorly planned binge drinking session, in real life]
"...But, luckily for me, Paul gives a +1 to all rolls when drunk."
[Reads the flavor text under the Drive skill in the Hunter corebook.]
"That's Peleus. He's a bad dude."
"It's like Voltron when they come together, only horribly, horribly bad."
"That's right. Dogs lick their crotch because they can. Think about that one for awhile."
"Two doctors will always have a first-aid kit on hand, even if one of them is a doctor of the dead."
"...And none of those filthy supernatural are going to cut my purse today."
"I love dog ass."
"See, maybe I should try to get myself killed. At least then I won't take any damage."
"He's probably going to get it up this time."
"I guess that's my action. I run like a huge sissy boy. 'Cause that's what Joe is."
"Bwa-ha-ha. I am invincible!"
"Until he starts throwing concrete."
"I like my wound penalties. Well, I like yours, anyway."
[after tackling Damia] "This is probably the closest I've come to a woman in a long time."
"She's pretty hot. Trouble is, she's only 17. But when has that ever stopped a hunter named Joe before?"
"Healer still isn't there."
"Did you just say 'shazbat'?"
"Where do we want to meet her?"
"Somewhere enclosed. Somewhere attractive."
"Well, get your point of Conviction."
"For being a shit factory?"
"I couldn't Ward her away from me gently, could I?"
"I was never the wrong Creed for this! I've played two and a half Judges!"
"Are you two killing people again?"
[points] "...Leah started it!"
"I want to get him on record, admitting to controlling the clowns. It'll
be helpful later on for our persecution of him."
"...You mean prosecution?"
"Bit of a Freudian slip there, huh, Nikki?"
"So the basement of the nightclub smells like a concentration camp? Terrific!"
"Do you want us to wait?"
"What? Your name is Dwight?"
[while confronting the Big Nasty of this plot arc]
"I finally thought of who this guy reminds me of! Scrooge McDuck!"
"My D&D characters wear clothes, unlike many D&D characters."
"Joe looks disappointed knowing this guy won't get what he deserves. Because the justice system is frail and weak!"
"What is that, Brie?"
"I don't know. It's like a case file or something. And there's some weird stuff in here. Kim says it's out of his...homestyle chicken tenders? Yeah, like I said."
"Are there arrest warrants out for everyone who isn't Jeffrey Powell?"
"So, for the whole rest of the world?"
"She went to the club and got affianced. In the BUTT!"
"We've got, like, some kind of disease that's spreading through our roleplaying games and causing us all to burst into giggles."
"Yup, we make them Germans...I mean, we make them dragons good and nasty in Germany. Or we make them Germans good and nasty in Dragony, as the case may be."
"This would be a great place to waste a whole bunch of money."
"It's not a waste of money if it raises your Arsenal by two."
"Or if you've got a cartoon mouse problem!"
"You know what that cat's house looks like. It's like ten plants all in a row."
"This man seems to have a cartoon causality problem!"
"I mount my shield in my living room."
"Excellent. You will soon have shield babies."
"Just out of curiosity, Iain, am I me?"
"But I like going into the mystery hole!"
"Yeah, all of those other werewolves are bitches. Except for that one guy who chewed his own finger off."
"I'm gonna get back to my house and it's gonna be all lasers and conveyer
"And the mouse comes out of its hole and you'll be like, 'No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to DIE!'"
"Joe, are you all right?"
"What happened? Did you eat a bad taco?"
"No, I'm pretty sure that the only way a human being can die is by shotgun. [pause for thought] I don't know why they sell those things."
"You see, nothing gets a cartoon mouse in the air quite like an air raid siren."
"What does cartoon syphilis look like?"
"I don't know. It probably crawls around and has, like, little eyes and stuff."
"Cartoon mice sure love syphilis."
"Yup. They suck it down like mama's milk."
"How do you talk to the GM in character?"
[Spoken to a monster who is flexing his impressive muscles.]
"You should get a sponge tattoo on that, so when you do that, it gets all big."
[The character gets punched in the face.]
"I'm your mom. Fear me."
[About the 90-year-old draconologist getting to see the dragon be reborn.]
"This is his blaze of glory."
"This is the greatest day of his life."
"This is his Bon Jovi song."
[About a 30-foot-long green dragon flying over Atlanta toward Germany.]
"Sounds to me like a classic case of the Air Force's problem."
"No, in real life, being retarded totally makes you awesome at sports."
"Yeah, but if real life was like gaming, you'd only be able to make coffee like 20% of the time."
"...Cause whenever I get real aroused I just gotta rub my elbow on things."
"Now that I have some extra time..."
"I think I'll start controlling my roommate's life!"
"Sylvia doesn't really like to talk to me if I'm not Leah."
"Note the continuum of suggestions we have here, from bake sale to prostitution."
"Dude, we are the bomb shit. Together we get stuff done. And by that I mean we get stuff dead."
"No, man, we're seriously destructive. Everywhere we go, we leave a puddle of teeth in our wake."
"I explain to them that all the animals in the dead are park."
"Do the beetles look at all like clowns, Iain?"
"Do the beetles look at all like bugs, Iain?"
"Poison sumac! In the butt!"
[Trust me, this was hilarious in its proper context.]
"Aren't you supposed to be on a leave of absence?"
"Mavenne/Kim slash: It's not so much a sexual relationship as it is a photography class."
"What was ever opaque green that was healthy for you?"
"Dude. Fuck that!"
"God damn but Lock is awesome. You can eat my ass, Rejuvenate."
"I guess I could always Anathema the old lady. Then the bug will at least take a few bashing when it tries to eat her face off."
"Find the cute boy and save him! Then he'll be indebted to your old sexyness!"
"EMT spaghetti. With meatballs!"
"Atlanta does so have a flag! All of the states have a flag!"
[all three other players and the ST say in unison] "ATLANTA'S NOT A STATE!"
"Did I ever say what my Ward looks like."
"Like a muffin!"
"Mmm, white balls."
"You know, white balls. I'm gonna get it around the leg. With my handcuffs."
"Well, these 3 dots in Bug Riding are about to pay off..."
"See, I was thinking something totally different when he said, 'Its bulk slips through your energy.'"
"That's 9 damage."
"Stick that in your exoskeleton and soak it!"
"Sorry you got eviscerated."
"Meh. Better me than you."
"The sweet thing about 6 is, it's divisible by every number smaller than
"What about 5?"
"Aww, you got me."
"If she wasn't such a rancid bitch, we might almost feel sorry for her."
"Old people are where scarves come from!"
"Besides, she's from England. They wear ascots over there. [shakes head] Crazy, crazy ascots."
"Does Mavenne have unruly hair?"
"She's half black and half Latino. What do you think?"
"Wait, you're half black and half Latino and we haven't been making fun of you for it? [pounds table] This has to change!"
"It's like our original Hunter group had a threesome, and out popped Mavenne."
"Can we just change her name to Rancid Bitch and get it over with?"
"So you take her to the salon."
"They judge her."
"Hey, you're as good at being nice to people as I am at shooting things."
"Well, it's good to see that we both know our place."
"I'm gonna jump on Hunter-Net."
"Excellent. You will soon have Hunter-Net babies."
"I don't think he's actually a child molester. He just looks at child porn. So there's a difference."
"...Because I don't want to use the word 'evisceration' in public if I can help it."
"I like boring porn the best."
"I've got Mavenne pictured so very white in my head."
"Mexican black necrophiliac and we're not making fun of her for it? Aaaaaaah!"
"E says something in a language you don't understand..."
"Does it sound like spellcaster?"
"Remind me again of why we just did that."
"We stopped those kids from getting hurt."
"Yeah, but if we hadn't gone there, we wouldn't have known about it!"
"I set my phaser to 'set on fire.'"
"Omigod. He likes me like a motherfucker."
"Maybe I won't be skullfucked! Wouldn't that be swell?!"
"Poo doesn't go in the chest hole."
"Yeah, its nuts are from the same genus. The rest of it is something totally different. It's, like, a clam with giant gorilla balls."
"Dude, I'm not sure I want to talk to you right now. You insult my religion, you bogart the Inspire..."
[about Kim] "He's like a dog. A dog with a camera."
"Damn the small talk! You're slowing down our plot Melvin!"
"So how much does a good exorcism kit set you back these days?"
"We need the Quick 'n' Dirty Exorcism Kit."
"'Morgue drawer' sounds like a really funny word."
"How many clowns can a peanut eat?"
"What have we came from?"
"Your shaft is generic."
"Just like the rest of me, baby."
"When God was hangin' out the dicks...Whoa. Freudian slip."
"That's why I don't roll my own dick."
"Yeah. You gotta have a girl roll your dick for you."
"Otherwise you might go blind."
"I'm sure we saw the small of her back, if not the small of the...small."
"You have a selective memory concerning your boyfriend's ass."
"Marta desires large cock! Wizard is about to die!"
"So it's got a soft knocker?"
"It's got a soft knocker."
[cracks up] "You said soft knocker."
"Since its body is already full of cheese holes..."
"I'm gonna go pin it in the corner just in case it has a second life bar."
"I'm glad that your friend has a huge-ass pistol with which to blow the heads off of toilet snakes."
"Actually, I have something else to do before I play with my snake."
"I didn't know that Mavenne had a snake."
"Yes, I do. It's old and cheeselike."
"Mavenne's old and busted."
"Ha ha, you bought a girly car!"
"Dude. He is a girl."
"Actually, pretty much the second she wakes up we gotta electrocute her to death."
"Brie, make sure she's breathing."
"I can't see her!"
"But you can feel her!"
"I feel her."
"About an hour later, the invisibility fades."
"Great! We kill her."
"But you're much better than I am at making people undead."
"It's warm in here."
"It's warm in my pants."
"It's warm in my pants, too."
"Must be a guy thing."
"Look at all this stuff that was in my pants!"
"All the more humiliating, to die fucking a corpse."
"Before they say amen, I shoot them all!"
"An underground satellite? What will they think of next?"
"You know what Keraptis sounds like? It sounds like crap cactus."
"What would a crap cactus look like, anyway?"
"I presume it would be brown and full of corn."
"Shh. Fireballs make evidence go away."
"Where do you think that he went?"
"Probably up to Park Wacka-Chicka-My-Weenie."
[sings] "Zombie got a gun..."
"You and me should go stand next to Toddle, so we'd be BLT."
"That can be your threesome slash name."
"Did you see that?! I just fucking cock-punched that guy!"
"I'm calling in going-off-to-fight-jihad."
"God's love will fuck you up."
"You just sounded like Bill Clinton."
"I give it a weird look, but trust in the will of God."
"God is very amused."
"Yeah, I would be the leader, if Mavenne weren't such a rancid bitch."
"Attack of the killer fetus army!"
"Let's just call the hospitals St. John's and St. Judas's. [pause] Wait a minute, Judas isn't a saint."
"Trident of Fetus Command!"
"If Toddle dies, I'm gonna fucking kill her."
"Toddle's not going to die."
"Yeah. Keraptis would have to get past me first."
"Yeah, well, if you die, I'm gonna fucking kill you."
"If you die, I'm gonna kill Toddle."
"Copy target Boob and immediately place it on the stack."
"Your gun does not seem to scare it in the slightest. Neither does its exploding comrade."
"Ones will kill you. I know that, guys."
"He's coming to save you even though you're a rancid bitch!"
"That would be a fun thing to have to explain to the Heralds: how you
got your tongue stuck to an evil sword."
"You see, I have Intelligence 4, but it was an Intelligence 1 moment."
"Yeah, I was only using one of them."
"Wound penalties. That's all I've got to say."
"That Communion messed me up!"
"How far is it to the city of Teffelsburg from the state of Atlanta, if I'm driving from here?"
"Who would wear sunglasses at night?"
"I can think of a few songs about that."
"Wow, I felt that one in the depths of my ass."
"What's up, Tall Tree? [pause, then under his breath] What's this guy's name again?"
"The wind blows up his loincloth, and it is clear that his name is Tall Tree."
"Dude, you guys just got punked!"
"Do you say that?"
[tons of laughter]
"Okay, because sometimes with Joe, you can't tell."
"Do you take off your shoes and socks?"
"Well, yeah. And I also took off my pants."
"Okay. Then I took off my shirt."
"Well I can't very well carry a gun around in my underwear!"
"Why not? You do it all the time at home."
"It's a scampering jelly!"
[This was a very serious conversation.]
"Is it like a hag or like a djinn?"
"More like a djinn."
"Before we go in, though, we wanna hit on his mom..."
"I have faith in my gizmo-shooting ability."
"You know, one could say that gun had been Jerry-rigged."
"My vision ate your vision! Humped it right in the ear!"
"I wanna go both ways, guys, if you know what I mean."
"We're straight with a bend. Terrific."
"The corridor ends, and you find yourselves in..."
"What would I have grabbed if I'd rolled a one? Wait, don't answer that."
"He's totally got a hard-on for this combat."
"This thing's for cuttin' tongues off, is what it's for!"
"You can always tell who studied what, in gaming."
"Did you just say who studded what?"
"He studded a bunch of engineers. In the butt!"
"I wonder what the hammer's Stamina is."
[chants] "Objects don't get Fortitude saves..."
[all together] "THIS ISN'T D&D!"
"If you didn't want us to treat your game like D&D, you shouldn't
have ripped off that module."
"Hey. I didn't rip it off. I borrowed it wholesale."
"Yeah, we're putting your mother's pearls in a blood-soaked pool."
"Isn't that where she got them in the first place?"
"I pistol-whip Keraptis in the heart!"
"Leah's taking it rough."
"The dead walked. Oh fuck."
[Spoken about a baby.]
"...We didn't really know what to do, so we backed over it with a pickup truck and drove off."
"He called me a lost soul!"
"Well, you kind of are."
"I didn't make it to church because...I have yarn on my head."
"Only YOU can prevent forest fires! And there's a picture of a guy torching a zombie with a flamethrower, with a big red X over it."
"Plumbers are assholes. And sometimes you can see them."
"You're what we would call the alignment of Sketchy Neutral."
"You would recognize the sedative as something that hospitals use on..."
"That's the polite way of saying it."
"Then I suppose that if I want to Cleave there's only one way I can do
"Take off your bra!"
"Can I roll Perception + Theology to see if the imp is alive or dead?"
"The Bible doesn't tell you about demon anatomy."
"How do you know?"
[sigh] "Okay, you can roll to try to figure out its anatomy."
"It's a boy."
"What are you doing?"
"It might still be alive."
"I know, that's the best part."
"So while they're vivisecting this demon in the bathroom, can I find out what French she was speaking?"
"So the new diary admits that he's madly in love with Brie, but the old one is more coy about it?"
"Kim, you're gonna be in a lot of trouble if Mavenne sees you like that."
"Because she doesn't like you with your pants off."
[to the tune of the Transformers theme] "Sex forest...more than meets the eye."
"It's like, ooh, look at me! I'm blood!"
"Mavenne never stops spraying."
"That could be your new motto."
"What's cheesier than cheese? Brie!"
"I'm thrusting into it trying to keep blood from spraying all over. That should work unless it's got like a pressurized blood sac, like one of Quentin Tarantino's humans."
"Why do you feel guilty?"
"Because you got your ass kicked by demons throwing macaroni sculptures."
"Can the student's name be Bogus McNugget?"
"Who was the professor he did the project for?"
"One has the symbol for Tormented, one's a Redeemer, one's a Visionary,
and one's a Judge."
"It's just like our group!"
"Noel, I love it when you hose me down with peppercorn ranch."
"We went to the basement."
"That's the one...0111001."
"Oh man. It's almost time for Joe's appressive congulsive disorder to show itself."
"I feel like I'm five years old today."
"So do we all, Alex. So do we all."
"Must handle the dickses correctly, precious! Nasty hobbitses and their nasty little dickses!"
"I rate his effectiveness poor, but his attitude zesty."
"The only good Amish is one who mixes me drinks!"
"I guess I'm going to leave, because there's nothing I can do. Well, nothing that's not suicidal."
"I just saw 10 people get thrown into a black vortex in the basement!"
"What a buzzkill!"
"Good thing you've got your brother to remember that you're sexy."
"Would you have made a large or a small bomb?"
"...I think you know."
"One's always better than none. Unless you're talking about, like, punches to the throat or something. Then I guess none would be better than one."
"They have slightly different personalities! The quiet one! The silly one! The edgy one! They're like a boy band, only filled with sand!"
"...'Cause you sucked them and they liked it."
"Yes, this is where we take ex-cult members and turn them into the next generation of country pop superstars."
"He was devastating, brutal, awesome?"
"He was a little Asian man."
"That's God sayin' keep your tongue in your mouth, girl!"
"This one lived off a steady diet of Jello and corn."
"Jello and porn?!"
"Guys, do you think it's weird that pennies fit perfectly up my nose?"
"Yup, that's right. She had sex once and now she has plants."
"So you go to your privately owned Perkins' equivalent..."
"Heh. You go to POPE's."
"You take your sword and get it re-blessed. Yeah, get a little back-room
"It could have been worse. It could have been a back-door blessing."
"It seems like George here is a really sharp biscuit."
"Why do I have 'Johnstown office building' and 'Johnstown warehouse' written
down on my to-do list?"
"It's probably a place where you wanted to do. It. With someone."
"Hey, quit juicin' the cumanis!"
"Yes, I look for anything suspicious that isn't us."
"Right, so you extricate yourself from Brie's bush..."
"Leah's really getting into the mindset of this whole thing."
"Yeah, I'm thinking a little too much like Beth."
"Leah might think like that."
"Yeah, well, the thing is that Beth thinks this could be the most fun thing she's done in gaming for several years."
"Like I said, you find plenty of barf and semen..."
"Are they being dumb about it or are they testing it intelligently?"
"Um, a little of both."
"Heh. They're being dumbtelligent."
"If I want to be bungie-corded to Healer, does that make me helpful or just gay?"
[while fighting a giant spider] "Give me a giant broom and a place to stand."
"That's priceless. Never again will you see a gigantic spider riding a roller coaster."
"Do you know anything about giant spiders, Jerry?"
"Well...was it a cartoon giant spider?"
"Man, I can't wait to hack some tongues."
"The housekeeper's not going to be very happy with us. First we stole her key card, and then we unleashed the baby powder of fury."
"I want to go get a feel for people in people-land."
"Um, this man was depositing cardboard boxes in potted plants...He should be interrogated about it."
"I fuck puppies! Teehee!"
[walks in on Joe freaking out on a captive] "Why is it that every time I go to the bathroom, something like this happens?"
"See, this is just like the sort of thing I used to do in Mage, except in Mage, I would've succeeded."
[to his sister] "Are you saying that I have a cold scrotum?"
"Who was the guy that you were banging?"
"This cheese tastes old and delicious."
"Alex was just quoting a song by Three Dog Night."
"No, the Traveling Wilburys. [pause] Tool."
"Your cucumber is waxy."
"Circumstances were not the same. [pause] Tool."
"I have some of the best blue cheese that exists."
"What, did you pull it directly from your anus?"
"Omigod, it's like dirty feet smeared with poo!"
"I think everything sounds better with 'tool' on the end. [pause] Tool."
"No, the difference is more different..."
"First he comes out in the sort of dignified manner you'd expect from
a powerful casino owner..."
"...And then he sees the monster and takes a big shit right in his pants."
"Can Leah bless things?"
"I don't know, I've never tried."
"Well, she is kind of priesterly."
"On how many dice?"
"Holy ballsack. It's like a Swiss ballsack."
"Add that to the list of things I never want to see my sister do again."
"Oh baby. Chicken tenders in the man-faucet."
"Do you dunk that in peppercorn ranch?"
"Yes, because Iain wants as many lesbians as possible in his games."
"They're kind of like crunked cars."
"What about lesbians in crunked cars?"
"Or lesbians crunking cars?"
"What a curd."
"You're giving an impromptu hand job to a disembodied wang. FANSERVICE!"
"So what, does he ejaculate dust or something?"
"I had this guy in a minivan following me yesterday, and he looked just
like Meat Loaf."
"What? How?...Oh, you mean the singer, not the food."
"Appropriate use of sex in the mouth has joined your party."
"I think you're just afraid of having fun with Leah and Steven."
"I think you're just afraid of sex in the mouth."
"No, girls go crazy for the Croats."
"He was going to see Carlos, and then we veered off into obscurity."
"We can't ever get Chipotle again, guys. It brings out the sex in the mouth."
"You guys are stealing my sex in the mouth, and I don't approve of it."
"Yes, now you have Drizzt Do'Urden in a bag in your basement."
"As far as I know, he's a mummy genie."
"As far as I know, he's some dude who blew up and we stuck him in a bag."
"She wasn't fat, she was just pregnant. With dragons."
"...And I was like, when did they fight a goat that was that big?"
"I am yours to command."
"There's some bad fanfic that starts out that way, let me tell you."
"If this puppy dies, so do you."
"You should fill me up with compost."
"'Bitch-slapping the cripple' totally sounds like a euphemism for whackin' it."
"Ahh! Even more smarter!"
"No, the fun would be in seducing the earth genie."
"Ooh, fill me with your loamy dirt!"
"We're not calling him FineGrind anymore. We're calling him LongGone."
"Yeah, I know, that's pretty typical."
"Typical of glonous hunter history and cultual."
"I'm OCD on crowbar."
"Crowbar to the bush? That doesn't sound very fun."
"I love your face. Your face look very pretty. For me to eat on!"
"Die under your chair!"
"...No, thank you."
"Are the keys in the limo?"
"Roll a ten-sider."
"To see if they're dumb!"
"So what do you yell as you bust through the wall?"
"No soul for you!"
"There's no way I'm going to take responsibility for this plan. Unless it gets me Conviction."
"Hey, Nikki, which name for it do you like better: Pinporn or Pornpoint?"
"Ooh, a hole in my body leading directly to my heart! I think I should stick a pencil up it!"
"That kills and a half more than two things."
"You should have this one little moment of amazing badassitude that nobody sees."
"I guess this is the point at which it becomes the man-faucet. So drink deeply."
"Quick, poison the refrigerator!"
"Wait a minute, did you just say I'm not your sister so you won't suck my face?"
"Incest equals teh hot."
"He's all like, 'oh, my pizza is so dainty.'"
"Oh yeah, it's pennies that fit perfectly up my nose."
"I wonder if a half-dollar would even be jammable-innable." (Yes, still talking about putting coins up his nose.)
"Who steals a limo, other than you?"
"Dude, if somebody stole that limo from you, they'd be doing you a favor."
"Dude! Giving yourself stitches in the face is a good way to ugly yourself up and lose that extra point of Appearance!"
"You want to shoot your egg at someone?"
"Arm the womb cannons!"
"And get the Trident of Fetus Command!"
"That was definitely one of my best quotes ever."
"Dude, that quote was mine."
"Ow, ow, ow, crowbar. Where is my Mexican sex slave?"
"We are becoming the pinnacle of humanity. We are the eggman. We are the walrus."
"Omigod, we're sucking up the souls, not sucking off the souls."
"The prostate is not a button, Iain. I'm pretty sure of that."
"I sucked a creepy crawler. And it was awesome."
"Okay. Remember what happened the last time you fired a gun in this neighborhood?"
"The police came!"
"And where did we have to go?"
"I Lock it from behind. Aww yeah."
"I love you, Curio. With all your lesions and your funny ears."
"The ambassador from Hell would like to speak with you..."
"How did your unit get disbanded again? Was it hellfire fire, or more like regular fire?"
"All them Asians is always drivin' in my driveway. Skee-daddle!"
"Besides appearing human, are you at all?"
"...Fill me with your loamy dirt?"
"I want to see what happens when the water demon and the earth demon get
in a fight."
"You get a mud demon."
"He looks like he's been in a fistfight with a puddle."
"It's not a date until I kill a man!"
"Or maybe I'm going on a date with Brie and Steven."
"But I can't fit it down my throat!"
"Is that anything like sex in the mouth?"
"I have a little Scottish in me."
"But I can't fit it down my throat!"
"Some of these things I have fought are made of poop."
"Tell the story about the longing in your loins."
"This means you guys will all die before you get another chance to go
"Yes. From syphilis."
"Not being able to fit things down your throat is the new gaming sensation!"
"You know, if you change the 'o' in 'Fox Network' to a 'u', you get 'Fux Network.'"
"You know, if you change the 'z's in 'fuzz' to 'x's, you get 'Fuxx.'"
"20th Century Fux."
"Yeah. Get out them sexy merits."
"I stayed late at work to fuck the corpses."
"But I can't fit it down my throat!"
"The Man moved your car."
"Two cocks in one go?!"
"...And, she died in a fatal horse sex accident..."
"Let's see, what did I learn?"
"Step one, unbutton blouse. Step two...step three, hot sexx0rz."
"Guys, I'm gonna get a complex 'cause I have the smallest candy."
"Good Judge Of Character! Best merit ever for a job recruiter."
"Wow. Great Liar. We'd be like Monkey vs. Robot."
"Where did I put my scrotum?"
"Yeah, your scrotum is nice and soft."
"Dude, your scrotum pinches down real nice. Look at that. Look at the necking on his scrotum."
"I wish my scrotum were that supple."
"Dude, we need to stick things in my scrotum."
"Harriet has two mommies."
"Two mommies and a daddy."
"Aw, I thought Steven was her other mommy."
"And that was through the scrotum, too!"
"What have you had to do for your rerolls yet? You got some mouth-to-mouth from a chick while you were sleeping. And it helped you."
"You know what I love about this game? It's like 1/3 actual gaming, 1/3 people saying horrible but hilarious things, and 1/3 people congratulating other people on how funny the horrible things they just said were."
"It's like your typical..."
"Oh, God. Oh, extra God."
"Please come over and help me punch an old lady in the face."
"Leah just finished exorcising Mavenne's hands."
"How do you deal with old ladies?"
"Well, don't punch them in the face, for starters."
"Dude, you've gotta use your discretion on this one."
"Didn't anybody ever tell you not to eat anything in Hell?"
"We could play a game."
"You can sleep in the guest room."
"...You've got pretty teeth."
"I wanna try to Balance her."
"Okay. What are you saying?"
"I cut you!"
"I squeeze his arm and say, 'Thank you, Dao. You are an asset.'"
"And by 'asset' I mean 'fill me with your loamy dirt.'"
"Lesbian loamy dirt? [clunk] Aw, you suck, Cool Pack."
"Fucking pronouns. I hate you so much."
"But fucking pronouns are the best kind! Such as 'you' and 'me'."
"..And there are two jizz ropes, one for each eye."
"Yes, the vagina brings us mirth as well."
"The system has a lot of flaws."
"But you'd let it do you in the butt if it was a guy, wouldn't you?"
"My name's Brie, and I have a giant labia!"
"For the love of God, get me a cheese grater!"
[sings to the tune of "Jesus Christ Superstar"] "Labia, what have you sacrificed?"
"Labia is the new penis."
"The People's Republic of Scrotabia."
"I don't think there's any right way to do a puppy with your disembodied genitalia."
"I was using his stick to Inspire him."
"Yeah, a lot of ladies do that."
"Shut up, atoll."
"You stupid pile of cigarettey sticks."
"So, when we last left off, you guys were all standing around a muffin jerking off..."
"He's like random angry white guy with a gun."
"Sorry, the bitch ward is only valid in Minnesota."
"Let's be honest about our burlesque house, guys."
"We're bringing the message of hope through vandalism."
"Road trip! Glug glug glug. That was the sound of your car going into the ocean."
"Roll Intelligence + Technocracy. I mean, Technology."
"They're everywhere! They're in my phone!"
"They're in my character sheet!"
"They're like Mormons with superpowers."
[while Mavenne is negotiating with the Sons of Gareth] "I think that if Joe was in this situation, he'd already be dead."
"So, wait, I'm in a box that's five feet by...Are you calling me an asshole?"
"Mavenne's bras are too huge. I could fit my whole self in one of the cups."
"Hopefully no one ever gets ahold of the Trident of Fetus Command, or Mavenne's boobs will turn on us all."
"Iain's like, 'I frontloaded this woman so much. Just like Mavenne.'"
"Oh, clown, strip for me."
"Oh, right, that was the time she went on a killing spree at the zoo."
"Werewolves don't count as acts of God. They're acts of dog."
"So I guess we're gonna..."
"Fool around in the dorm rooms?"
"Everybody in the bar adopts you."
"What if I don't want them to adopt me?"
"They adopt you anyway. In the butt."
"Just like the system."
"I'm the greatest aunt ever!"
"Who made you the aunt?"
"He won't have to know I carry a tranq gun between my boobs."
"'Cause they're so big you can fit a rifle in there."
"She's lopsided. She has one Mavenne boob and one Brie boob."
"That's not lopsided, that's a cyclops chest!"
"He's getting his grope on."
"And you know what he's saying? 'They're huge!'"
"I guess I'll do some topless dodging."
"I love how everything you do is topless lately."
"He's run the gamut of all the felonies."
"That's not a felony."
"Oh hand, bringing me hope...stop bringing me hope!"
"When your evil alternate self is jerking you off, is that masturbation or rape?"
"'I promised myself I wouldn't have sex until I was married.' And so they get married and she's like, 'Psych! I'm taking half your stu-uff!'"
[singsong voice] "I have a head-ache."
"Tell me a story, Jerry."
"Wait. First let's establish who's black..."
"There is too much wind in your question again."
"I think he's telling me I'm full of hot air."
"So, Sunday morning. People go to church. Mavenne is a heathen. And now you're going to go kill a person."
"Bryans is too much of a southern gentleman to do me."
"I'm receiving a shipment of dirt."
"In the butt!"
[makes truck-backing-up noises]
"You represent the system in all its ass-raping glory. This is your job."
"God is good, right? Isn't He? Aww, somebody's not getting fed today."
"Chicken Soup For The Soul You Just Got Back."
"I would like to speak with him concerning matters of philosophy."
"He got it on with all sorts of nasty skanks?"
"Well, he almost got it on with you."
"Can we stop talking about the logistics of the poo nipple and play the game, please?"
"Do I have to roll for taking his catheter out?"
"No, nothing's gonna happen that would make it hard."
"What would we do without a Bruised health level? It's like cheating!"
"The dirt has been changing."
"He sculpted it into your breasts."
"No, he didn't have enough dirt."
"You could always take her to Club Tonic."
"And when you come back, she'll be under a truck wheel."
"...So six people could take a shit in my house all at once!"
"No, you could fit way more than that."
"Stewardess! I need someone to wrangle my cock."
"I go over to the thing."
"And wrangle it!"
"Bend over - here comes the system!"
"The wrongness isn't here right now."
"If you'd like to leave a message..."
"It's a good thing Discern doesn't work out your butthole, or else that would be all puffy and inflamed."
"Yeah, I ate something that didn't agree with my eye socket."
"I have to do janitorial work for a whole month? That's like longer than
this game is going to last."
"Fine, then you'll be doing janitorial work for the rest of your life."
"Do you lean on Steven?"
"Do you invade his personal space?"
"Do you touch him inappropriately?"
"Do you want to touch him inappropriately?"
"We should throw a naked party!"
"We should throw it right out the window!"
"So what kind of gay bar is Whelm taking us to?"
"The only time I ever felt like a part of a group is when they were trying to kill me."
"I'm such a LaBrea shipper."
"You could strap it down or something."
"Don't you have some rats that need torturing?"
"So did you use your chin as her vagina?"
"When your face is being compared to a vagina, it's time to shave."
"I get out my statue of Zeus..."
"And masturbate with it!"
"What's her name?"
"That's my grandma's name."
"It's your grandma. Surprise!"
"Yeah, let's not do surgery on a drunk person, even if it's the kind of surgery that kills him."
"Ever seen a skeleton in a gimp suit?"
"That's better than a skeleton in a fursuit."
"Charlton Heston leaves his message of hope."
"The Heralds are equal opportunity butt-screwers. Just like the system, right, Mavenne?"
"The system likes its ladies."
"Then why does it do so much butt-fucking?"
"That's right, I did up the ante. Take that, ante."
"And then you kissed him on the cheek. With tongue."
[about a skeleton in a fursuit]
"He's compensating for something."
"Like lack of skin."
"...And by 'developing years' we mean 'time before you spent your experience.'"
"I have a very odd thought."
"Don't forget to look up that Bible."
"How am I going to do that? Type in 'the Bible?'"
"I'm going to take this religious artifact and hump it with science."
"It's easy to believe in miracles when you've seen someone swallow the back end of a pickup truck."
"So, Kim thinks that a miracle involves eating something that shouldn't be eaten."
"Hope is for those who handle poop."
"This might be messy. It might cause a boobsplosion."
"I take some holy water squirt guns and my manservant."
"This is your mind, and this is me fucking it!"
"Mavenne! We have some heathen holy symbols for you and your manservant."
"You're gonna give them the Care Bear Stare."
"You're gonna get your legs broken."
"I like big butts and I cannot lie. You other spiders can't deny."
"Right up the spinneret."
"Jerry, make me a silly hat."
"How long is the shaft?"
"About nine inches."
"Defenders never die. Until they're dead."
"I try to spread out without getting too far outside of Brie's Ward."
"That shouldn't be too hard seeing as how I'm following you."
"It's like, 'Spread out! But I am spread out!'"
"Six inches is as far as Brie spreads."
"Then that might be a problem in more ways than one."
"Before being deep-throated by Ajboh, it's alwasy a good idea to Pinpoint the tongue."
"Brie, what are you gonna do?"
"What do you think I'm gonna do?"
"Scream and charge?"
"Well, of course."
"I'm gonna go back to swatting the birds in the hopes that if Mavenne picks up the rest of the bells, it'll give her something to do and keep her from Pinpointing."
"This is me deep-throating Ajboh!"
"You do believe that the beak could make your life shorter..."
"Can't talk! Barfing!"
"Yeah, you thought you could eat light, didn't you?"
"Actually, most of the time, I can."
"I don't know what would be in Brie's closet."
"Except for Brie."
"Ain't I a woman?" [makes Cleave noise]
"Dude, I think we're gonna bag a dragon tonight."
"We're gonna score with some non-profit-organization skanks."
"Have you tried not being a vampire?"
"Yeah, but...we're good vampires."
"Well, obviously the Espin people were going about it all wrong in that they were planning to hire a bunch of hobos to take part in their ritual..."
"May I make an interjection?"
"Darryl evolved into Darryl-mon."
"We love your store so much."
"We love it to rubble."
"...Damn cartoon storks."
"Things are getting poison-er!"
"How could Dennis administer physical therapy from a wheelchair?"
"He'd chase them with his flaming sword."
"I believe in Jesus."
"Yes, but what kind of Jesus?"
"New Jesus? Classic Jesus? Diet Jesus?"
"My church definitely goes in for Diet Jesus."
"More like Diet Jesus with a side of fries."
"What's wrong with her legs?"
"She's not a doll!"
"She's an action figure!"
"It looks like I have pinkeye, except aggravated pinkeye."
"You need Quintessence to heal this pinkeye."
"We're the fucking pinnacle of humanity, and here we are dealing with campus rent-a-cops."
"My mommy covered me with ichor."
"My mommy had daddy parts."
"The RDFD is gonna be like, 'Fuck, why do we have a rent-a-cop up our ass?'"
"That jerk! I bet his name is Cocksuuker."
"What are you gonna do if you see the dragon, scream and leap off the roof?"
"Mavenne, do your cop."
"Do not jerk off the satellite."
"Yes, he's known as Fangdick."
"This may surprise you, Alex, but gay people do have sex. In fact, that's
kind of what makes them gay."
"I thought they just preferred the company of men, like to talk and stuff."
"Oh, I see, this is the kind of chiropractor where you fuck a horse, not the kind where you get your back fixed."
"I've got her down on a table..."
"Could you have made that sound any dirtier?"
"Supernaturals know not to go into Pope's because they're all blessed."
"By the Pancake Pope, maybe."
"Maybe if I go to church, they'll teach me how to eat a station wagon."
"Just listen for the parts about letting Jesus into your heart."
"The last thing I tried to let into my heart died on its way in."
"What if water, like, froze around a boat? Then would it sink?"
"Yeah, but what if there was, like, whales and rocks and other punctured ships inside? What if the water brought friends?"
"You can find a stupid thesis about almost anything."
"Well, not anything. Otherwise, no one would ever get a Ph.D."
"...Only an unborn puppy."
"And the mother dog is, like, the size of a house."
"Why are you jerking off my pencil?"
"My lungs are kind of like two extra stomachs."
"You know what else is a large empty sack?"
"Because God hates dwarves."
"So he gave them hairy boobs."
"It gets caught in their sequin dresses."
"No, I wanna Witness the one who keeps getting the weird contusions on
"I guess that would stop if you could stop hitting him, huh?"
"Just like women who are lesbians like to do man stuff. Like ride motorcycles. And break things."
"You know, bad in the olden days gay guys used to get married. And then be gay."
"...Because harvesting makes you want to bone things."
"Demons probably bathe in, like, vats of oil and blood and fecal matter."
"I wanna go clean his pool."
"And then sleep with his wife."
"And make a porno out of it."
"I don't have any friends. I ate them all. It was a miracle."
"Gauge's dad was a pedophile."
"Then where did Gauge come from?"
[sings] "Gauge's mom has got it going on..."
"It's like feeding a very hungry dog a very sharp biscuit."
"Heh. You got nuts on your nuts."
"...And he just whips out whatever equipment makes you the most uncomfortable."
"One boob, one nut, and half a choad."
"You just broke your sensitive bit off in a lock!"
"I have a gay cousin named Donald! Well, actually, he's more like my uncle."
"What, is he your uncle-cousin? Family tree didn't branch when it should have?"
"Uncle-cousin, you've got such purdy eyes..."
"Harry Potter and Donald Duck: gay for each other since, um, now."
"Harry Duck? Is that like a furry turkey?"
"Do we have a black light?"
"What, are you seeing if someone jizzed on the kimono?"
"It's pretty easy to overact when you can open your mouth wide enough to fit an entire person."
"I saw lots of dudes swallowing other dudes in the middle of the night, if you know what I mean."
"We'll find her a cock if she needs one."
"Just so long as she doesn't grow up and want to be called Harry."
"Eh, that's fine too, as long as she doesn't grow up to be an agent of evil."
"Martyrs like to watch."
"Can't die now, gotta die later!"
"What's white and square and goes in your mouth?"
"We're not just religious fanatics. We also have a purpose."
"I love you, science. I love you too, Mavenne."
"Feel him up!...Wait, I thought you were gay."
"Too many holes and tubes involved."
"And that's why you should never have sex with a robot."
"Or the Internet."
"It looks like Satan from South Park."
"With a really hairy crotch."
"...And then I'm going to ravage him."
"Demons gave me cancer!"
"Thank you, Al-Qaeda, for giving the Technocracy an excuse to blow anything up. The planes hit the World Trade Center and they were like, 'Christmas!'"
"Dude, in his normal form, Gary Coleman out-talls Curio."
"What does hellfire do again?"
"Can we see demon ball?"
"Demon Ball Z!"
"And now he goes into his second boss form..."
"...And the only fatality was Joe Pesci."
[sings] "The tongue bone's connected to the leg bone..."
"We have an apologizing fight, just like the Japanese."
"Yes, dial the red phone. The red phone in my pants!"
"You better make sure to answer that before it becomes a blue phone."
"When is the Apocalypse supposed to happen?"
"You guys are so gay, you're straight."
"Dirk Benedict. It's my knife and my breakfast."
"Hey, you go up in there dressed in holy stuff and tossing jewelry and cat grenades around..."
"...So if I went over to that end of town and asked for Carlos, I could get my face punched in!"
"You get this tremendous sense of being, uh..."
"It was spent or frittled away."
[whimpers] "He just touched me and then he died."
"You feel rushing wind like you're, you know...somewhere windy."
"Someone must be watching over you."
"And every time he sees you, he beats you."
"If I had Discern, I would totally have an aural helmet."
"A helmet is when they go in your hair."
"Screwdriver does not equal dildo."
"Depends on which end you use."
"If I'd want anyone to handle my non-existent dildos, it would be Brie."
"Yeah. That's 'cause your husband didn't love you."
"I have a screwdriver, but not a flashlight?"
"A flashlight just doesn't do it for her."
"Yes, we've been bad, naughty girls who deserve to be punished."
"And meanwhile the Martyr is like, 'Punish meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!'"
"Dude, if I heard a zombie, like, shredding on a guitar from behind a locked door, I'd be even more sure to check it out."
"Mine is the kind of forgiveness that comes with a boomstick attached."
"Walk softly on the bones of your enemies."
"After you've smote them with your big stick."
"I check his pockets for the crystal."
"It's not there."
"But Leah knows about it because of her Empathy specialty."
"Sweet astral boner."
"It's jaggablessed. Or bleeged."
"This is definitely woody dirt."
"The kind that fills you with more loamy dirt."
"No, that's a dirt woody."
"I'm distracted by the majesty of Brie's ass, I guess."
"It's small and bony."
"Because failing to activate an Edge totally makes you poop."
"...Wait, does it?"
"Alex, I'm totally fingering your scrotum. Speaking of Australia."
"Iain and Alex both have scrotums, and sometimes they compare them."
"I've only ever killed one person, and that was homicidal."
"And this wouldn't be?"
"Is there a verb form of 'John Adams?'"
"His knife got stuck in your shirt."
"His knife got stuck in your massive labia."
"If we wreck the cougar's house, he can come and live at mine."
"You should dual-wield your presidents next round."
"I love how we're all rolling around on the floor with cougars and sledgehammers, and she's playing Metal Gear Solid."
"I'm gonna start calling my fists John Adams and George Washington."
"So El shoots him and he clump...clump...clump...falls over."
"You jump on the cougar's back as it's running away."
"What a mighty steed."
"If you had a sword right now, I would totally say you should yell, 'By
the power of Greyskull!'"
"Never mind, you're too young."
"Dude, I feel like He-Man, only weaker."
"Well, you look more like Orko."
"Thanks a lot, dickweed."
"She should have terminal Seasonal Affective Disorder."
"Dude, are we playing Zelda: Link's Awakening now?"
"Yes, and you have to find the nine pieces of the Tri-Force."
"Do you guys think it's weird that I blow up my sack?"
"We go back and throw the ladder down the hole."
"Take that, hole!"
"A couple hundred more ladders and we'll have you all filled in."
"We should call him JoeGauge."
"He's just like a gay version of Joe."
"Super! Time to punch things!"
"Where did he get the chair from?"
"From mannequin ass space?"
"We're playing supernatural dress-up. We thought you'd be qualified."
"What are we doing?"
"We were calling Jimmy Saint."
"Dude, you volunteered."
"..And you're like, 'Sucker, mold! You just cleaned that for me!'"
"Now you can French properly."
"No, Leah, really, you're good at it."
"Just don't forget the cheese grater."
"Four is always safer than three. Unless you're talking about werewolves, in which case you only want one."
"Thursday's coming. Did you bring your apocalypse?"
"You had twice as much sleep, but it was only a quarter as good as hers."
"So does Trogdor have Cleave then?"
"No, Trogdor's level 1 Dragon edge is Belch."
"I go poke Leah."
"...In the vagina?"
"One finger or two?"
"Or is it three?"
"What was Leah's satisfaction threshold?"
"Um, I think lots."
"So, like two fists and a foot then?"
"Is it like double fistory with a footnote?"
"Leah's not a horse."
"No, she just has horse parts."
"I could show these girls a trick or two."
"With your toothed anus and your boobsplosion."
"No, she's too old for that. All the teeth fell out. It gums you now."
"She speaks fake boob."
"She speaks boobsplosion."
"It was a porcu-man."
"I kind of prefer man-pine."
"I'll show you my man-pine."
"He was running that line between hot guy and ugly chick."
"That's cool. We're way underground."
"It totally sounded like you just said, 'I made grapes under pressure.'"
"In my ass!"
"Wouldn't that be a raising?"
"Less goading of the nads is a good thing."
"Exotic weapon proficiency: Friends in a bag."
"What's the floor made out of?"
"Rock. You're not gonna get very far, unless you have some surprise."
"We have to follow this mouse to the armory."
"Look at this. It's all covered in pomegranate juice. It's all coming back to me now."
"Oh, communing with the crystals in my pocket? Is that what they call
"It is even possible to jerk off inside a giant black dome?"
"If anyone could do it, it would be Joe."
"She's still flat as a board, but now it's for a different reason."
"No, it's still for the same reason - she has no boobs."
"Now we can have GaugeJoe slash."
"...And that's when the boss button gets pushed."
"Here come the cockbiters again."
"Are you calling me not an asshole?"
"No, I'm saying your asshole is huge."
"No, I'm just saying you're a pussy because you got the pussy job."
"...Oh, now I recognize you."
"Are you just gonna stand here and talk, or are we gonna fight?"
[Mavenne and Leah both say] "Joe!"
"His Willpower went up because he learned not to jizz on himself."
"Why are there so many stains on your carpet?"
"Because sometimes I poo."
[about why we didn't get to play the previous week]
"I started gouting from all orifices. It was bad."
[after Joe realizes that he's the only one on the outside of the Ward]
"...Suddenly my position doesn't look so good."
"17 dice to hit with my sword."
"I would go so far as to call that redonkulous."
"God gave us these gifts for a reason, and if not to save my gay lover, then what are they for?"
"If she fails both times, we'll finally know God's stance on gays."
"Soak 6.3 repeating damage."
"Well, Nikki, on the bright side, you're not gay."
"Be a rock, you motherfucker!"
"I'm not gambling. It's Joe, dude!"
"Yeah, Joe is gonna stand back and yell at the fire until it turns off."
"Mages must have hours of foreplay and then have sex for like three seconds."
"I'm jerking off a rock-man's cone-foot. Not many people can say that."
"Okay, fear of slime it is then."
"No K-Y Jelly for your man!"
"Hell yeah I'm gonna reverse John Adams him!"
"Heh. You're only half-cocked because you only got it in partway."
"That sounds like it wouldn't be very enjoyable."
(sings) "Hit it in the face. Hit it in the face. Hi-ho the dairy-o, hit it in the face."
(sings) "Just don't miss its face..."
"No, you can shatter all your crystals simultaneously and summon, like, Hunter Planet."
"I would join the Brie and Leah camp for Wendy Manastorm."
"You're just saying that because she gave you free Conviction."
"What's the fourth-level Visionary edge again?"
"...Did you just say missionary edge?"
"You remember when we were gonna make cat grenades?"
"Ooh, Leah, you're so...crafty."
"I should have, like, dismembered body fugue."
"Wait, so do you go into a fugue when you see dismembered bodies, or you go into fugue and dismember bodies?"
"Or you go into fugue when your body is dismembered?"
"Speaking of 50 dkp minus..."
"So, Brie, Joe fired ineffectually, Mavenne fell over...that's pretty much the way your fights have been going lately."
"Well, either she automatically succeeds because she's so involved in her seizure..."
"Apparently, nutsacks act as Gareth anchors."
"Damn, I forgot my strap-on."
"She had to get the strap-on with the balls because Leah likes the feel
"Yeah, when it's all slapping up against your-"
"Stop talking now."
"I should have bought Feat Of Strength."
"No offense, but I hope you die, so I can do my best idea."
"Our strategy is to walk over, have a seizure all over it, and then come back and obliterate it."
"You guys are seizure buddies."
"Giant labia seizure buddies."
"That sounds like the title of a hentai."
"That would be a story for the ages: The time Gauge punched a fallen angel so hard, it fell again."
"This plan disintegrated so fast, it was kind of epic, in its way."
"Nice. He probably admires the lance really goodly."
"Charisma + Metallurgy to admire the lance properly."
"Wendy Manastorm in a ball is a pretty good weapon."
"It's like Vicks VapoRub, only fatal to demons."
"She's in a hamster ball of supernatural energy."
"Faux-Gareth is terrible. No wonder Gareth fell. 'My body doubles suck.'"
"Musty, crusty, trusty trenchcoat."
"How stupid do you have to be to take your own archangel and stick it in a box?"
"Hey Mavenne, by the way, I had this great idea: Fuck you!"
"You won't be a werewolf anymore, but you'll be on a mad quest to become a werewolf."
"No lesbian shower tonight."
"Bending down sure is hard when you're a zombie."
[in groaning zombie voice] "It's a partial action."
"You need like a white sheet to wrap him in. A shroud, as it were."
"Gauge is not Jesus."
"Like John Adams."
"Like gay Jesus."
"I have notes on a lot of these things. Like 'murdered by Mavenne.'"
"You're the one who healed him, so shurt your damn whinyhole, whiny lady."
"It's mechanical and organic."
"Okay, lest we completely destroy all the dramatic tension here..."
"Done and done."
"If your background has the word 'Olympian' in it, you might be a munchkin."
"Wait, what if your background has the words 'Special Olympian' in it?"
"So you can Bluster masturbation?"
"Those boobs aren't human!"
"Dude, you've probably been maced before."
"In real life?"
"Now all your shoes are brown! Aah!"
"So you're saying my old Hunter character was whiny and obnoxious?"
"Well, she was a Visionary."
"There's a cash symbol in hunter code?"
"Yes, and another one for bling."
[sings] "Happy glow, happy glow. You have been imbued. Happy glow, happy glow. It's not your fault..."
"How can we turn Ajboh back into Johab?"
"We will tell you."
[cell phone rings, perfectly interrupting one of the moments of greatest dramatic tension in the game thus far]
"It's coming from the audience!"
"Is there any way I can talk to Ajboh?"
"Yeah, that's easy."
"Step one, touch your tongue to mine."
"It's like the quest for the willing wench, version depressing."
"Are you gonna be okay?"
"I kind of don't sleep anymore."
"I got a 10."
"Lesbians suck. Or lick, as the case may be."
"I was wondering how long it would take for that to start."
"Well, we've been playing for 3 1/2 minutes."
"Whatever, I'm not on fire yet."
"Wait. You wear booties?"
"I wear footie pajamas under my trenchcoat."
"Step one: Get knife. Step two: Puncture boob. Step three: Save Nascar."
"Ha ha, suckers, I'm incorporeal!"
"...giving you some semi-traumatic flashbacks to the Arcatraz, but in a good way, I guess."
[sings] "Hatching man, hatching man..."
"Doing whatever a hatchling can oh God we're fucked."
"Only the best throw-up for our queen!"
"You're sure you're going to need new shoes after this. And new pants."
"And footie pajamas."
"It's like walking in warm frosting."
"It's like you put a microwave full of silverware in another microwave and then turned them both on."
"No, my next derangement is not going to be bestiality."
"That's not a derangement, that's a lifestyle!"
"What's a money sh-?"
[Brainstorming slogans for National Hope Day.]
"Spread hope, not dope."
"Hope on a rope, and there's a picture of a noose on it."
"Don't drop the hope."
"What's kind of funny is that your hand grenade dealer and your cat dealer are the same guy."
"Hey fucker, no balls!"
"Spreading hope in the form of bullets."
"Spreading hope one body at a time."
"Hunters fight like mages have sex."
"Have we ever tried to grab their balls?"
"You've only ever grabbed your own balls."
"Just remember, your balls always glue with a happy glow."
"I wonder if I could grab a supernatural's balls and absorb them."
"Nightstands are the best."
"They make little blood poops. Droppin' a blood sausage."
"Dude, that would be awesome if you were a vampire and were addicted to pooping."
[phone rings] "Hi, Alex...The tongue thing?...No, not with each other."
"Going 50 years forward in this game is kind of like a DC/Marvel crossover."
"Nah, it's more like Crisis On Infinite RPGs."
"You wanna do that thing you can do where you keep us from setting off
"What, you mean leaving?"
"No, we're just two flowers. Chillin'."
"I want to lick your pollen."
"I don't know, it just seems like wherever we go, Denu is there fucking
us in the ass."
"Denu is a Paul character."
"Perhaps when all is said and done..."
"...Your dad could fall down the stairs and it won't matter."
"Hey, if you give Brie one of your symbols, you intuitively know how committed
she is to your vision."
"How committed is Brie to Mavenne's vision?"
"You also get kind of a gay sense."
"She's gayly committed to your mission."
"And what kind of impression are you getting from this?"
"A gay one."
"And then what I'm doing is I'm closeting myself - no pun intended..."
"Did you just say to roll Steven's fertility?"
"Always remember to spay or neuter your werewolf."
"Says Big Chief Bob Barker!"
"When I see you, I exclaim something in French."
"It's like Popeye. [sings] Doo-doo-doo-dee-doot-doo-doo." [mimes drinking blood]
"Whatever, you don't even know their names."
"Yes, I do! Jay, Karissa, Michael, and Brie! [pause, points] That's Brie."
"If you had a dragon writing your business proposal, man."
"Come on, Bryans, do me like the system!"
"Everything is bad wrong. I guess I'm gonna die now."
"You're prettier than Leah is. But I would never tell her that."
"I think that between the three of you, you could manipulate any group of guys. Because she's all hot and stuff, and the two of you could just make out."
"I'm going to take the vampires for a walk."
"The Mormons? They're all Technocrats?"
"Instead of having a conversation, let's hang up and go watch the news."
"We could go over to Tonic's."
"And run over some babies."
"...And by 'one shot' I mean 'a vodka bong.'"
"Now that you have derangements, you'll never be loose again."
"...That could have been taken in a lot of wrong ways."
"...And if you bring it back and all your gold stars are there, we'll pay off your credit card."
"This feels worse than when God punishes me for using tongue."
"Blessings don't expire."
"But sometimes faith does."
"...That was deep."
"Will you secret-society-sit for us?"
"Hey, you're in there painting the ceiling. Don't talk to me about crazy."
"...Okay, now you're thinking with portals and it's scary."
"I think my butterflies were gay."
"I need him to take the place of my loamy man."
"The city has a good date."
"The city is totally like the system: It puts out."
"Atlanta was doomed by two tiny imps. This is their story."
"We decided that the best way to foster hope is to watch ourselves have
"If it worked for Christianity, it'll work for us!"
"You could have three three-night one-night stands."
"Once she's asleep..."
"Then the real fun begins."
"You spray it and 1's and 0's come out."
"So I guess we're just kind of coasting to the apocalypse now."
[Iain is looking over old campaign notes, perplexed.]
"What the hell? F F F F F F F D D D?"
"Maybe it's music."
"No, it's your grades as hunters. You'd better do well on the final, or you're screwed."
"We were paying too much attention in lesbian class and not enough attention in hunter class."
"I didn't blow up a car. I started a bush on fire."
"How very Biblical of you."
"God says you're on fire!"
"Conga Line of Death formation. We'll call it the CLOD for short."
"We could conquer this primitive society and set ourselves up as gods!"
"Until we ran out of gas."
"...How many dots in Science do you have?"
"What are you doing?"
"We're breaking the rules."
"...giving you a really gross morphing-up-the-skirt view..."
"How come all the cool hunters are sucking?...Including us."
"So we're falling down the hole. Again. Just so you know, Iain, I'm going to be really upset if we don't get to do this in D&D."
"Johab's got to be out here somewhere."
"Now is the time when we cut to Tonic running over a baby."
"The Warrior is like a battle condom."
"Mavenne hasn't gotten wet yet."
"That's because the system isn't here."
"Is her vagina full of sand?"
"Well, she does have a loamy man."
"No, the frogs just got obliterated."
"It was a deathy, deathy frog death."
"Remember, we're basically fighting a puddle."
"At least this puddle doesn't have teeth."
"Whelm is doing everything he can to provoke and agitate the water."
"What, is he sticking his dick in it?"
"You gather them. You're a hunter and a gatherer."
"How do you like your water now?"
"I'm lubed and ready for battle."
"If it causes you to recoil, it should probably go in the quote book."
"'Cause I feel so bad if evil is traumatized."
"The lindworm is going to penis its way over here now."
"'Penis' is a verb now?"
"When you look like that, it is."
"Steven would want me to run like a little girl here."
"Yes, because our standard for realism is clearly Titus Pullo."
"I'm not going to drink out of a glass that had kangaroo sack in it."
"Is my water gonna taste like ball sweat now?"
"I don't know, his water did just get teabagged."
"So it's like Iron Will plus ho-bagging."
"I'm gonna do what I did for Leah before, you know, when I was..."
"Roll your Douche + Fucktardery."
"She looks over at Ajboh and the two Ajboh-lets who are having this kind
of painful twisted..."
"Ménage a trois?"
[while fighting Ajboh] "Dammit, he's doing the blinky red thing now."
"Leah's the backwards L because she's facing the other way."
"Or because I'm illiterate."
"Or it's for lesbian."
"BJ is offscreen."
"You would definitely have to get a BJ offscreen."
"Yeah, this is a network show."
"I still have more guns to throw."
"I manifest Demand and bring a curb over specifically so I can stomp Ajboh's head on it."
"Helping Johab around is a lot like helping a newborn moose."
"Sympathy Puker is not a flaw."
"But it should be."
"...And then he was laying on the floor gurgling for about five seconds before he died."
"So I guess as planned, in the morning we go to the spinoff."
"Yeah, Healer and Whelm move up to Canada so they can get married."
The Characters and Players:
Leah Conway, a Redeemer housewife from a sheltered evangelical Christian background. Brie's partner, although deeply closeted. Played by Beth.
Mavenne Rochel, a Visionary, overworked county medical examiner, recovering alcoholic, and the director of Common Hope. Played by Nikki.
Joe Smith, an overly paranoid Judge and pizza delivery boy/convenience store clerk formerly held captive by the Sons of Gareth. Played by Alex.
Brie Steinberg, an ex-nurse Defender now working full-time at Common Hope. Leah's slightly-less-closeted partner. Played by Noel.
Gauge, a Minneapolis-based Martyr sent to help the Atlanta group confront the Cult of Ajboh. Sacrificed himself to defeat Gareth. Played by Alex.
Ben Romano, a disgustingly rich and handsome Redeemer. Skipped town with his family. Played by Eric Z.